Phone Etiquette
HOW TO DIAL OUT
1. Dial 9
2. Wait for beeping sound. Hang up.
3. When phone rings, pick up receiver.
4. Dial 1-800-555-1982. Listen to the sound of phone company solenoids switching. Relaxing isn't it?
5. When Shanghai operator answers, press phone cradle buttons.
6. Nothing will happen.
7. Face East, cross yourself thrice while muttering "jadoo, jadoo, jadoo." Then press them again, with feeling.
8. Dial 22-digit Satellite Code Number.
9. Dial your Social Security Number.
10. Multiply by your age and divide by 5. Dial resulting number.
11. Pray fervently to whatever Gods there be.
12. If a man answers, hang up and repeat steps 1-12.
13. A female voice will ask, "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" Your reply should be, "Do you have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can?"
14. You will be transferred to "Gustave". Ask no questions, but tell him anything he wants to know. (Do not let him know you are shocked.) Dial the number he gives you and hang up.
15. Your phone will ring. Ask for John Lennon. A voice will reply, "The Walrus was Paul." You reply, "Paul is dead." You will then be put on hold. Whatever you do, for Eris' sake don't hang up! It could be extremely dangerous!
16. A hallow, inflectionless, rather mechanical voice will come on the line and ask for your date of birth and favorite color. Do not answer truthfully. (Ignore the odd clicks and static while this information is being processed.)
17. You will be issued a 10-digit Universal Access Code. Write it down quickly, it will not be repeated.
18. Using your Universal Access Code, dial your own number. A voice will answer and ask for John Lennon. You say, "The Walrus was Paul." The voice will reply, "Paul is dead." Put the line on hold.
19. After a few minutes, imitate a hollow, inflectionless, rather mechanical-sounding voice and ask for date of birth and favorite color. Tap the receiver and crinkle cellophane paper nearby to imitate a few seconds of static. Then rattle off a 10-digit number and hang up.
20. Dial 9.
Are we clear so far? Good. Now that I've got that out of my system, I need to expel something else.
Have you ever thought twice about calling someone because you think for some reason that your call might inconvenience the person(s) you are trying to reach? Like, its 11 pm and the people you are calling have a kid or kids. Or you know there is some reason you shouldn't be calling this person at this particular hour because they might have told you they were going to be busy or didn't want to be disturbed. Or what if you call and the person is sleeping or just woke up to answer the phone? When do you realize that your call may be unwanted?
I'll tell you what, if you are being told that a baby needs to be tended to and you don't hear crying or your friend doesn't even have kids, you are probably being politely let go. I know, I've had to do it to several people. Especially when someone calls me and expects me to keep up the conversation. I have a friend who does this to me quite often. Yo, kids, I know you think I'm an interesting person, and I may make you laugh by saying funny things when I rant, but unless I called you, you had better be able to carry the bulk of the conversation. When you call me, I expect you to be the one with something to say.
And it drives me batshit nuts when someone doesn't get the hint! Like a big hint is when there is dead air on the phone for over 10 seconds. Its like bull riding; 8 seconds is a long time to be hanging on to a pissed-off bull when you"re counting. And I'll let the silence go on for as long as it takes. It's actually pretty amusing when it gets to the point of awkward. I'd love for someone to feel like it would be less embarrassing to hang up and call back like their phone just died than try and re-start the conversation after waiting that long.
I firmly believe in the "law of 3's". If you think that you may be calling at an inconvenient time and the person is being too polite to tell you off, then you ask at least three times if you should let them go. Once initially when you get the hint that they may be busy. Then a few minutes into the conversation when you hear they get distracted or post a bit of hesitation or the second yawn. Then the third when they interrupt the conversation with you to give a few seconds attention to whatever is keeping them from focusing on you or the fourth yawn (because if you haven't woken them up by now, its best to let them sleep and call back some other time). And I say if they aren't going to let you go by the third time you ask, all is fair in love and war kiddos.