Pigface / What am I doing with my life?
When I do bother to journal, all of my entries are uber long or just short and pointless. This is the biggest rant of my life. And most important.
Okay, the Pigface show in Ithaca last night was pretty fucking swell. I could go through and detail the whole thing, but I'm also dwelling on a bigger issue here. Anyhow: the show was great, and something I really needed. Just a blast, it's so awesome to see such a group of musicians and great showmen in a small venue so close to home. That's what a show should be like, they really have it down, and seem to be having a blast doing it. So fun. And afterwards, everyone's just hanging around the club, just very chill. Aaaaand I talked to Krztoff for a while, aaaaand we got to hang out on the tourbus. THAT was surreal. En Esch, Charles Levi, Krztoff and the lead guy from Sheep on Drugs (Rosie was in heaven). Curse Mackey came by briefly (and just to let you all know, I kinda want to marry him, just after seeing him on stage last night. He's impressive as hell). Anyhow, anyhow. It was just so funny and random, we were all just sitting around with these guys.. and I've been thinking so much lately about what I'm about, where I'm going, what I really want out of life, and I'm going to try and illuminate some of that massive confusion here. Because I really need some sorting out, and to get my ass in gear and get started on this.
Rant begins:
Ok. I need to be doing something inspiring, something that I really feel like I fit with. I can't do without it. I refuse to settle, in that regard. I can't let my whole life just be a lesson in growing up, losing that old stuff and moving on. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm utterly convinced that that's entirely the wrong way to go about it. Whatever it was that moved you growing up doesn't automatically have to get discounted, and fuck the rationality of that, I don't care. I don't care that it's not logical, I'm entirely logical and it's a somewhat vapid pursuit.
I'm completely aware of the need to be independent, particularly in my situation, as we simply don't have the money to be fucking around and just enjoying things without making ends meet. Photo supplies are $, car insurance and gas are $, food, housing, school, etc etc. $$$. I don't have the luxury to buy a bunch of supplies and hole up, immerse myself in artistic endeavors, and I know this; I know this while I know that life's too short to not do these things.
But okay, weighing it all out and knowing the improbability of being able to do what I dream of doing (whatever that is anymore).. still. Someone's got to do it. I am struggling- yes, as is everyone- with that never-ending tug-of-war: do i go to college for four-six-eight years, get a degree and thus perhaps more easily a secure job, pay back the big bills and then have life planned out doing something logical and functional... or do at least the four years of college (which I do love), and do everything i can with all the fiber of my being to get a job that blows my little mind and keeps me pretty poor? If I can even find a job doing that?? I feel like this decision is a selfish one, considering my familial circumstances, and I want to help. Everything I want to do is pretty much devoid of lucrative possibility, regardless.
It's really amazing to see/be around real, solid people who are doing their own thing, working tirelessly at it because it's what they love. It's somewhat new to me, and I eat it up. That's part of what going to shows means to me. Part. The rest is how much I fucking love the music and the whole energy of live shows.
So. To put it simply:
XviciouscabaretX: i wish i could be a roadie :-)
DJ Draven 6: you'd have to have the tech know-how
XviciouscabaretX: i have no know
XviciouscabaretX: i am lost and don't know what i want to do with my life
XviciouscabaretX: but i've got to stop putting things off to the side to be logical and get back to what makes me happy
XviciouscabaretX: and that's where i'm at this summer. i'm having a mid-mid-life crisis of sorts :-)
I used to dream of working at Spin. (No comments about the particular choice of magazine, corporate-ness, etc. It was what was available to me and what I grew up on). I wanted to be a part of that life where it was actually completely acceptible and necessary to listen to and see music all the time. What a concept. I wish I was one of those witty bastards writing those articles, which are on occasion still fucking great. So lucky. Or at least take pictures. I gave up on writing, for obvious reasons if you're reading this diatribe.
I'm wracking my brain about possible directions to take this in, because I feel like I've got to get some handle on it and get started already, instead of being utterly groundless and thus un-equipped.
I love being around people. Music. New-ness, I like things to be fresh and not dull, always want to keep doing new things, not just perfunctory, repetitive stuff.
Maybe something in regards to music & media stuff, publicity?
Umm.. I can't write but I can edit like a motherfucker, and have decent spelling/vocab.
I'm trying trying trying to be a good photographer, and I do think I have a good eye.. all I need to do is get some practice under my belt (don't we all) ;)
I flipping LOVE to travel, and in fact NEED to, so that I can find out where the hell I want to live the rest of my life. I'm not satisfied sticking around here.
I could be a roadie, if I wasn't a girl. I live to be busy, do things and not sit on my ass (really!) and love helping people. Fuck yes I'll help put away your sound shit. :) And I wouldn't mind moving around all the time, or the close quarters. I enjoy it.
I don't want to be rich, I just want to be happy and independent, hopefully somewhat secure, and feel like I'm right where I need to be.
I've always wanted to own my own place, probably some sort of amalgamation of nightclub/art space/cafe/club alternative where there's good music and a good scene. Just someplace really positive to spend time and be supportive of creativity in multiple forms.
I know I can't make music, but I don't want to be some kind of groupie. I truly, truly love it so much and want to make it part of my life, and want to add to it whatever I can. Reading about music and everything about the lives of those who create it, searching it out on college radio or Napster before it sucked, going to shows whenever possible and just the simple joy of watching the NIN tour videos.. it's simple, but no, I can't discount all that. That was my life, growing up. I'm not going to grow out of it. It is what has always made me happy and in fact, in lame-ass fact, is what has made me feel complete. It's always been an extention of self in a way, and that's that.
This is making my large ass get larger, and feel numb. I need to move myself about. I could go on about this for days. I'm impressed and inspired by some really dedicated people doing their thing, and I know it's possible. Maybe I'm just a chickenshit, or maybe I'm making sense and should be logical. Either way, that's enough for now.
Okay, the Pigface show in Ithaca last night was pretty fucking swell. I could go through and detail the whole thing, but I'm also dwelling on a bigger issue here. Anyhow: the show was great, and something I really needed. Just a blast, it's so awesome to see such a group of musicians and great showmen in a small venue so close to home. That's what a show should be like, they really have it down, and seem to be having a blast doing it. So fun. And afterwards, everyone's just hanging around the club, just very chill. Aaaaand I talked to Krztoff for a while, aaaaand we got to hang out on the tourbus. THAT was surreal. En Esch, Charles Levi, Krztoff and the lead guy from Sheep on Drugs (Rosie was in heaven). Curse Mackey came by briefly (and just to let you all know, I kinda want to marry him, just after seeing him on stage last night. He's impressive as hell). Anyhow, anyhow. It was just so funny and random, we were all just sitting around with these guys.. and I've been thinking so much lately about what I'm about, where I'm going, what I really want out of life, and I'm going to try and illuminate some of that massive confusion here. Because I really need some sorting out, and to get my ass in gear and get started on this.
Rant begins:
Ok. I need to be doing something inspiring, something that I really feel like I fit with. I can't do without it. I refuse to settle, in that regard. I can't let my whole life just be a lesson in growing up, losing that old stuff and moving on. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm utterly convinced that that's entirely the wrong way to go about it. Whatever it was that moved you growing up doesn't automatically have to get discounted, and fuck the rationality of that, I don't care. I don't care that it's not logical, I'm entirely logical and it's a somewhat vapid pursuit.
I'm completely aware of the need to be independent, particularly in my situation, as we simply don't have the money to be fucking around and just enjoying things without making ends meet. Photo supplies are $, car insurance and gas are $, food, housing, school, etc etc. $$$. I don't have the luxury to buy a bunch of supplies and hole up, immerse myself in artistic endeavors, and I know this; I know this while I know that life's too short to not do these things.
But okay, weighing it all out and knowing the improbability of being able to do what I dream of doing (whatever that is anymore).. still. Someone's got to do it. I am struggling- yes, as is everyone- with that never-ending tug-of-war: do i go to college for four-six-eight years, get a degree and thus perhaps more easily a secure job, pay back the big bills and then have life planned out doing something logical and functional... or do at least the four years of college (which I do love), and do everything i can with all the fiber of my being to get a job that blows my little mind and keeps me pretty poor? If I can even find a job doing that?? I feel like this decision is a selfish one, considering my familial circumstances, and I want to help. Everything I want to do is pretty much devoid of lucrative possibility, regardless.
It's really amazing to see/be around real, solid people who are doing their own thing, working tirelessly at it because it's what they love. It's somewhat new to me, and I eat it up. That's part of what going to shows means to me. Part. The rest is how much I fucking love the music and the whole energy of live shows.
So. To put it simply:
XviciouscabaretX: i wish i could be a roadie :-)
DJ Draven 6: you'd have to have the tech know-how
XviciouscabaretX: i have no know
XviciouscabaretX: i am lost and don't know what i want to do with my life
XviciouscabaretX: but i've got to stop putting things off to the side to be logical and get back to what makes me happy
XviciouscabaretX: and that's where i'm at this summer. i'm having a mid-mid-life crisis of sorts :-)
I used to dream of working at Spin. (No comments about the particular choice of magazine, corporate-ness, etc. It was what was available to me and what I grew up on). I wanted to be a part of that life where it was actually completely acceptible and necessary to listen to and see music all the time. What a concept. I wish I was one of those witty bastards writing those articles, which are on occasion still fucking great. So lucky. Or at least take pictures. I gave up on writing, for obvious reasons if you're reading this diatribe.
I'm wracking my brain about possible directions to take this in, because I feel like I've got to get some handle on it and get started already, instead of being utterly groundless and thus un-equipped.
I love being around people. Music. New-ness, I like things to be fresh and not dull, always want to keep doing new things, not just perfunctory, repetitive stuff.
Maybe something in regards to music & media stuff, publicity?
Umm.. I can't write but I can edit like a motherfucker, and have decent spelling/vocab.
I'm trying trying trying to be a good photographer, and I do think I have a good eye.. all I need to do is get some practice under my belt (don't we all) ;)
I flipping LOVE to travel, and in fact NEED to, so that I can find out where the hell I want to live the rest of my life. I'm not satisfied sticking around here.
I could be a roadie, if I wasn't a girl. I live to be busy, do things and not sit on my ass (really!) and love helping people. Fuck yes I'll help put away your sound shit. :) And I wouldn't mind moving around all the time, or the close quarters. I enjoy it.
I don't want to be rich, I just want to be happy and independent, hopefully somewhat secure, and feel like I'm right where I need to be.
I've always wanted to own my own place, probably some sort of amalgamation of nightclub/art space/cafe/club alternative where there's good music and a good scene. Just someplace really positive to spend time and be supportive of creativity in multiple forms.
I know I can't make music, but I don't want to be some kind of groupie. I truly, truly love it so much and want to make it part of my life, and want to add to it whatever I can. Reading about music and everything about the lives of those who create it, searching it out on college radio or Napster before it sucked, going to shows whenever possible and just the simple joy of watching the NIN tour videos.. it's simple, but no, I can't discount all that. That was my life, growing up. I'm not going to grow out of it. It is what has always made me happy and in fact, in lame-ass fact, is what has made me feel complete. It's always been an extention of self in a way, and that's that.
This is making my large ass get larger, and feel numb. I need to move myself about. I could go on about this for days. I'm impressed and inspired by some really dedicated people doing their thing, and I know it's possible. Maybe I'm just a chickenshit, or maybe I'm making sense and should be logical. Either way, that's enough for now.