massive amounts of ambivalence! (and some bitterness too.)
The Sex Workers Art Show was last night. I'd been talking about it forever, I know, and it was indeed awesome. It's great that we got to bring them here, and that I helped out (in a minor way, to be sure, but still). It was funny, fun, wonderful, honest, interesting, somewhat inspiring, and so on. Like nothing else, I mean honestly, how often can you experience something like that? Well, only two of the people who might conceivably read this went, so the rest of you'll just have to imagine what you missed.
However, after it was all over, even though I was on a little high from how cool the whole thing was, I starting getting pissed (Nate can testify to that, sorry). I started thinking what I did to publicize it, all the posters, stuff in my info for weeks, how I talked to everyone, IMed them the day of and reminded to come, even said that it'd mean a lot and I'd really appreciate it if they'd come by.. And seriously, a couple bucks and a bit of your time on a Wednesday night to be entertained by something you might never get the chance to see again isn't really that much to ask, I say. So I didn't think I was asking for anyone to do too much, but nobody came anyhow (well not those that I asked to, we actually filled up a bit more than the center of Emerson Suites, overall we had a decent turnout).
My point: It kinda hurt my feelings. I try not to be moody, I am trying to be nicer, it seems that I've gotten less nice in the past couple years, and things generally don't get to me that much. But occasionally stuff really does hurt my feelings, and when it does it truly bothers me for a while. It's hard to shake, and sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't try to. I know it's stupid to hold grudges or unpleasant feelings because you're the only one who is affected by it, but... I don't know.
I hate being let down by my friends. That bothers me more than anything. I know I'm more sensitive than a lot of people I guess, things bother me that other people don't give a second thought (my mom tells me alllll the time), but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's a bad thing to be desensitized, just like it's bad to be overly emotional and melodramatic. Blah blah blah. I digress, as usual.
It just bothered me that I even put it in plain terms that I would really appreciate their coming, and people flat out didn't bother.
One thing in particular that really got to me was when I got home and found an IM from one of my more kind male friends saying he would have come but oh, I hadn't told him it was a "Feminist Thing" and he knows wouldn't enjoy that, so he wasn't coming. He made it my fault that I had mislead him and he almost came to something that would be utterly awful and uncomfortable, what a trickster I am, so he didn't have to apologize for not showing up. A Feminist Thing? What the hell is that? I'm a feminist, am I a bad thing?
That one hit me where it counts. People just don't know, and that ignorance hurts. There are some things I feel passionately about, and I don't try to push my values on other people, though I don't hide my views either.
I don't try to insult anyone.
Yet I feel like people can't appreciate where I'm coming from in some cases. It's particularly painful when I know I'm doing a good thing, I'm really busy but I'm making it happen anyhow.. and people just are lazy or apathetic or even rude to me. I'm trying to make things better, help out, etc. And people view me in a negative way because of it. It's frustrating, and makes me feel lonely sometimes.
Okay, end of that rant. C'mon, I don't write that often, and so when I do it's.. what's the opposite of brevity? Um, really long. Nobody reads this anyhow, I'm apologizing to thin air, in a journal I write to myself. Maybe that's crazy.
It's St Patricks Day.
Tonight I feel like I have to go up and party with all of the guys that didn't bother to come to the show last night, even though some of them said they would. Parties up at the Solars just sap my energy, it's pointless, I know. Last year it was fun, all cramming into Kahlil and Zac's room in Emerson, about 50 people rotating all evening. This year its in a big house though, and with all the same people that usually come to their parties, I'm sure. And nothing to do but breathe the same air as people with intelligence on the scale of some rocks. Okay, that was mean, but c'mon. Drunk, boring people, some of whom are flat out irritating. The guys will be playing hour long games of beer pong and pretty much ignoring us girls, while they drunkenly hit on the airheaded ones they aren't friends with. Yawn. I end up wishing I was home doing work, which is massively lame, but at least I wouldn't have it hanging over my head and making me feel shitty. If I was enjoying myself it'd be different, it's not that i'm anti-party by ANY means. They just haven't been any fun lately, and I've been busy. It's hard to find entertainment in vapid, disappointing people. Or maybe I'm just lame lately.
It's also a Thursday, which means I went to the Towers for dinner because it's my favorite dining hall, and also the place where I get to look at Adorable Dining Hall Boy once a week. I just think he has the best eyes ever, and looks super nice, and has since oh, last year. I guess it's nice to have someone to look at and think is lovely, who you then never ever talk to, because then they can remain great and not disappointing, or disappointed in you. Besides, I turn into a massive dork, and like, can't look him in the eye. If he notices me at all he probably thinks I'm a strange little girl with boy hair. Oh. Well. I have a sneaking feeling that I'm too weird for that sort of boy anyhow. He looks so *nice*. Meaningless, pointless crushes are so middle school and so fun. I'm the biggest lameass in the world at this very moment.
the.end.
why bother - weezer.
"
I know I should get next to you
You've got a look that made me think you're cool
But it's just sexual attraction
Not something real so I'd rather keep wackin' [eww.]
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
I've known a lot of girls before
What's the harm in knowing one more?
Maybe we could even get together
Maybe you could break my heart next summer
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone
Won't you knock me on my head?
Crack it open let me out of here
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
Why bother (why bother)
It's gonna hurt me (it's gonna hurt me)
It's gonna kill when (why bother)
You desert me (it's gonna hurt me)
Why bother (why bother)
It's gonna hurt me (it's gonna hurt me)
Why bother?
It's gonna hurt me
"
However, after it was all over, even though I was on a little high from how cool the whole thing was, I starting getting pissed (Nate can testify to that, sorry). I started thinking what I did to publicize it, all the posters, stuff in my info for weeks, how I talked to everyone, IMed them the day of and reminded to come, even said that it'd mean a lot and I'd really appreciate it if they'd come by.. And seriously, a couple bucks and a bit of your time on a Wednesday night to be entertained by something you might never get the chance to see again isn't really that much to ask, I say. So I didn't think I was asking for anyone to do too much, but nobody came anyhow (well not those that I asked to, we actually filled up a bit more than the center of Emerson Suites, overall we had a decent turnout).
My point: It kinda hurt my feelings. I try not to be moody, I am trying to be nicer, it seems that I've gotten less nice in the past couple years, and things generally don't get to me that much. But occasionally stuff really does hurt my feelings, and when it does it truly bothers me for a while. It's hard to shake, and sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't try to. I know it's stupid to hold grudges or unpleasant feelings because you're the only one who is affected by it, but... I don't know.
I hate being let down by my friends. That bothers me more than anything. I know I'm more sensitive than a lot of people I guess, things bother me that other people don't give a second thought (my mom tells me alllll the time), but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's a bad thing to be desensitized, just like it's bad to be overly emotional and melodramatic. Blah blah blah. I digress, as usual.
It just bothered me that I even put it in plain terms that I would really appreciate their coming, and people flat out didn't bother.
One thing in particular that really got to me was when I got home and found an IM from one of my more kind male friends saying he would have come but oh, I hadn't told him it was a "Feminist Thing" and he knows wouldn't enjoy that, so he wasn't coming. He made it my fault that I had mislead him and he almost came to something that would be utterly awful and uncomfortable, what a trickster I am, so he didn't have to apologize for not showing up. A Feminist Thing? What the hell is that? I'm a feminist, am I a bad thing?
That one hit me where it counts. People just don't know, and that ignorance hurts. There are some things I feel passionately about, and I don't try to push my values on other people, though I don't hide my views either.
I don't try to insult anyone.
Yet I feel like people can't appreciate where I'm coming from in some cases. It's particularly painful when I know I'm doing a good thing, I'm really busy but I'm making it happen anyhow.. and people just are lazy or apathetic or even rude to me. I'm trying to make things better, help out, etc. And people view me in a negative way because of it. It's frustrating, and makes me feel lonely sometimes.
Okay, end of that rant. C'mon, I don't write that often, and so when I do it's.. what's the opposite of brevity? Um, really long. Nobody reads this anyhow, I'm apologizing to thin air, in a journal I write to myself. Maybe that's crazy.
It's St Patricks Day.
Tonight I feel like I have to go up and party with all of the guys that didn't bother to come to the show last night, even though some of them said they would. Parties up at the Solars just sap my energy, it's pointless, I know. Last year it was fun, all cramming into Kahlil and Zac's room in Emerson, about 50 people rotating all evening. This year its in a big house though, and with all the same people that usually come to their parties, I'm sure. And nothing to do but breathe the same air as people with intelligence on the scale of some rocks. Okay, that was mean, but c'mon. Drunk, boring people, some of whom are flat out irritating. The guys will be playing hour long games of beer pong and pretty much ignoring us girls, while they drunkenly hit on the airheaded ones they aren't friends with. Yawn. I end up wishing I was home doing work, which is massively lame, but at least I wouldn't have it hanging over my head and making me feel shitty. If I was enjoying myself it'd be different, it's not that i'm anti-party by ANY means. They just haven't been any fun lately, and I've been busy. It's hard to find entertainment in vapid, disappointing people. Or maybe I'm just lame lately.
It's also a Thursday, which means I went to the Towers for dinner because it's my favorite dining hall, and also the place where I get to look at Adorable Dining Hall Boy once a week. I just think he has the best eyes ever, and looks super nice, and has since oh, last year. I guess it's nice to have someone to look at and think is lovely, who you then never ever talk to, because then they can remain great and not disappointing, or disappointed in you. Besides, I turn into a massive dork, and like, can't look him in the eye. If he notices me at all he probably thinks I'm a strange little girl with boy hair. Oh. Well. I have a sneaking feeling that I'm too weird for that sort of boy anyhow. He looks so *nice*. Meaningless, pointless crushes are so middle school and so fun. I'm the biggest lameass in the world at this very moment.
the.end.
why bother - weezer.
"
I know I should get next to you
You've got a look that made me think you're cool
But it's just sexual attraction
Not something real so I'd rather keep wackin' [eww.]
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
I've known a lot of girls before
What's the harm in knowing one more?
Maybe we could even get together
Maybe you could break my heart next summer
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
It's a crying shame I'm all alone
Not with you, nor her, nor anyone
Won't you knock me on my head?
Crack it open let me out of here
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore
Why bother (why bother)
It's gonna hurt me (it's gonna hurt me)
It's gonna kill when (why bother)
You desert me (it's gonna hurt me)
Why bother (why bother)
It's gonna hurt me (it's gonna hurt me)
Why bother?
It's gonna hurt me
"