The only grudges I hold are against me.
I can't hold grudges against people. It is nigh impossible. I will fume and froth and brood for a day, go to bed, wake up the next morning/afternoon, and act like nothing ever happened. I am impervious to grudges.
Except me.
It is almost impossible for me to forgive myself. If I make the slightest misstep, if I accidentally blurt out the wrong word, if I just barely offend someone, I hate myself for days and days. I keep asking myself, "Why did I do that? What is wrong with me? What was I thinking?" I don't know why my self-confidence is so severely lacking, so I try to overcompensate for it or I pretend I don't care, and then I hate myself even more.
My desire to feel wanted and acknowledged and respected is why I haven't touched my Photoshop files this past week. I keep trying to figure out if something in the past is to blame for how I think and behave now. I can't remember if my parents ever tried to suppress my apparently innate desire to draw like there's no tomorrow. I know my mother's been exasperated with my writing, I know she asked me why I never finish anything, but is that really one of the reasons why I just can't let loose? Sometimes I feel like a pent up storm of ideas and emotions, and I don't know where to vent it. It's taken my mom years to accept that I'm not the extrovert she wants me to be, but now I'm starting to think that she's right, that she did in some way ruin me. She went crying to my dad over my inability to make friends when I was young and he always told her, "Be patient, be patient. Just give her time. Let her grow up and mature."
But who am I to label myself a victim of typical family drama? I'm just a face in 6 billion.
You know what the point is?
I can't forgive myself for suggesting that people should shut up about the Obama administration until after at least a hundred days pass by. That's not how democracy works. You're the one who ultimately decides whether they stay in office or not, and if they ever stray from the pathway you're supposed to raise a ruckus and let them know that no, you will not stand for this bullshit, and if they don't and/or won't clean up their act you will vote them out and bring someone else in.
But maybe it's because there was next to nothing about the Bush administration for at least six years. Maybe I'm just stinging from the fact that it seems like people aren't letting the change happen. Maybe I'm just mad that the GOP decided they were the Party of No. Maybe it's because we are literally not giving some people a chance to actually do something before calling for their heads. Should we be so viciously critical before the ball makes one full roll?
I want to say yes and I want to say no. Am I being blinded by the fangirlism? Do I just want them to have a chance to try something? Am I just being too hopeful and naive?
I still can't believe I said that. It was simmering in the back of my mind until I looked up at the scrolling text on the wall today and spotted a quote about democracy. Will I ever forgive myself?
I really don't know.
Except me.
It is almost impossible for me to forgive myself. If I make the slightest misstep, if I accidentally blurt out the wrong word, if I just barely offend someone, I hate myself for days and days. I keep asking myself, "Why did I do that? What is wrong with me? What was I thinking?" I don't know why my self-confidence is so severely lacking, so I try to overcompensate for it or I pretend I don't care, and then I hate myself even more.
My desire to feel wanted and acknowledged and respected is why I haven't touched my Photoshop files this past week. I keep trying to figure out if something in the past is to blame for how I think and behave now. I can't remember if my parents ever tried to suppress my apparently innate desire to draw like there's no tomorrow. I know my mother's been exasperated with my writing, I know she asked me why I never finish anything, but is that really one of the reasons why I just can't let loose? Sometimes I feel like a pent up storm of ideas and emotions, and I don't know where to vent it. It's taken my mom years to accept that I'm not the extrovert she wants me to be, but now I'm starting to think that she's right, that she did in some way ruin me. She went crying to my dad over my inability to make friends when I was young and he always told her, "Be patient, be patient. Just give her time. Let her grow up and mature."
But who am I to label myself a victim of typical family drama? I'm just a face in 6 billion.
You know what the point is?
I can't forgive myself for suggesting that people should shut up about the Obama administration until after at least a hundred days pass by. That's not how democracy works. You're the one who ultimately decides whether they stay in office or not, and if they ever stray from the pathway you're supposed to raise a ruckus and let them know that no, you will not stand for this bullshit, and if they don't and/or won't clean up their act you will vote them out and bring someone else in.
But maybe it's because there was next to nothing about the Bush administration for at least six years. Maybe I'm just stinging from the fact that it seems like people aren't letting the change happen. Maybe I'm just mad that the GOP decided they were the Party of No. Maybe it's because we are literally not giving some people a chance to actually do something before calling for their heads. Should we be so viciously critical before the ball makes one full roll?
I want to say yes and I want to say no. Am I being blinded by the fangirlism? Do I just want them to have a chance to try something? Am I just being too hopeful and naive?
I still can't believe I said that. It was simmering in the back of my mind until I looked up at the scrolling text on the wall today and spotted a quote about democracy. Will I ever forgive myself?
I really don't know.