Voluntary vow of silence will probably become a very vocal flounce.
Granted I'm very tired and very pissed right now so I should probably sit on the temptation to ragequit.
I haven't felt very fandom-y for a while now, tbh. It's all about my three horse games - Final Furlong, Howrse, Equiverse - and irl horses. Right now I'm very keen on a rising SoCal turf star named Bright Thought, an incredible Sunday Silence grandson and therefore a horse that's definitely on my radar for the near future. Fingers crossed he stays healthy, happy, and sound.
I feel like I should get more invested in Elementary fandom or re-invested in NuTrek, but I'm quite content to just watch episodes, follow the tumblrs, take a poke at some comms, and look through the AO3 listings for fics (and remake my journal header to reflect the fandoms I'm quite happy with at the moment). I just don't want to interact with the people. That way lies horror, disgust, disillusionment, and anger. I have been witness to some truly appalling behavior by fandompeople I interacted with and thought of positively. Makes me wonder if my time and energy's best spent elsewhere (like with pixelated horses).
Delete, delete, delete, delete.
I don't want to flounce. I don't want to cut ties. I just don't know how to cut some ties and keep others. I don't know how to disengage from fandoms but stay with the people even though I'm really not that great a fandomperson. Never have been.
You know what's great? Having a huge fucking row with Mom about buying/eating candy.
You know what else is great? She asked if I felt guilty whenever I ate candy and I told her I felt most comfortable eating candy by myself; she had the fucking gall to say that meant I knew subconsciously that candy's bad for me, not that I've been conditioned to feel shameful about my sweet tooth.
Every time I buy candy, every time I eat candy, she gives me a fucking lecture about how unhealthy it is to eat candy and how she fears I'll die before her due to my "poor" diet. Today she went so far as to ask one of the kids why eating candy is bad. The whole thing flew over my head anyway because the kid responded in Korean with vocab I've never fucking heard of. And after I bought $10 worth of candy (which is really small when it comes to me buying candy in bulk) she fucking lectured me on how candy is unhealthy and how I'd better not eat all the candy in one sitting and if I want to buy candy I should do it while she's not there and hide it in my bag so she can't see it. What the fuck. Candy is not illegal, last I checked. The fuck can you do anyway - I always had a sweet tooth; just because you never bought us candy when we were kids doesn't mean I had the sweet tooth trained out of me.
In reality I went and binged on candy after I went to uni. Last I checked I'm still healthy. Why? Because I can regulate my candy consumption. I don't know why she ALWAYS assumes I can't control how much candy I eat. And I kept preemptively telling her I was buying candy because I didn't want her to catch me eating candy and giving me a fucking lecture on how unhealthy candy is and how she didn't want me dying before she does and all that other fucking bullshit she told me for twenty-four fucking years.
I'm so sick of being shamed for liking candy. It's candy for fuck's sake; fuck off and leave me alone to indulge whenever I feel like it.
I haven't felt very fandom-y for a while now, tbh. It's all about my three horse games - Final Furlong, Howrse, Equiverse - and irl horses. Right now I'm very keen on a rising SoCal turf star named Bright Thought, an incredible Sunday Silence grandson and therefore a horse that's definitely on my radar for the near future. Fingers crossed he stays healthy, happy, and sound.
I feel like I should get more invested in Elementary fandom or re-invested in NuTrek, but I'm quite content to just watch episodes, follow the tumblrs, take a poke at some comms, and look through the AO3 listings for fics (and remake my journal header to reflect the fandoms I'm quite happy with at the moment). I just don't want to interact with the people. That way lies horror, disgust, disillusionment, and anger. I have been witness to some truly appalling behavior by fandompeople I interacted with and thought of positively. Makes me wonder if my time and energy's best spent elsewhere (like with pixelated horses).
Delete, delete, delete, delete.
I don't want to flounce. I don't want to cut ties. I just don't know how to cut some ties and keep others. I don't know how to disengage from fandoms but stay with the people even though I'm really not that great a fandomperson. Never have been.
You know what's great? Having a huge fucking row with Mom about buying/eating candy.
You know what else is great? She asked if I felt guilty whenever I ate candy and I told her I felt most comfortable eating candy by myself; she had the fucking gall to say that meant I knew subconsciously that candy's bad for me, not that I've been conditioned to feel shameful about my sweet tooth.
Every time I buy candy, every time I eat candy, she gives me a fucking lecture about how unhealthy it is to eat candy and how she fears I'll die before her due to my "poor" diet. Today she went so far as to ask one of the kids why eating candy is bad. The whole thing flew over my head anyway because the kid responded in Korean with vocab I've never fucking heard of. And after I bought $10 worth of candy (which is really small when it comes to me buying candy in bulk) she fucking lectured me on how candy is unhealthy and how I'd better not eat all the candy in one sitting and if I want to buy candy I should do it while she's not there and hide it in my bag so she can't see it. What the fuck. Candy is not illegal, last I checked. The fuck can you do anyway - I always had a sweet tooth; just because you never bought us candy when we were kids doesn't mean I had the sweet tooth trained out of me.
In reality I went and binged on candy after I went to uni. Last I checked I'm still healthy. Why? Because I can regulate my candy consumption. I don't know why she ALWAYS assumes I can't control how much candy I eat. And I kept preemptively telling her I was buying candy because I didn't want her to catch me eating candy and giving me a fucking lecture on how unhealthy candy is and how she didn't want me dying before she does and all that other fucking bullshit she told me for twenty-four fucking years.
I'm so sick of being shamed for liking candy. It's candy for fuck's sake; fuck off and leave me alone to indulge whenever I feel like it.