Go with your gut... and tell the others, "Thank you, fuck you!"
I keep meaning to one day type up RL shit but then I never do because I don't want it polluting one of my safer spaces. Except that RL pollutes my safer spaces anyway so why bother trying anything.
I'm feeling pretty angry right now. I'll probably regret what I type in the morning but right now? I'm not seeing a way out of this life and I don't think I have the fortitude to make that way happen, so.
Let's talk about that one giant pornfic-in-progress of mine, "Howl", and the last third of this LJ post about it.
Actually, I have a gdoc that was originally gonna be a real quick Sam/Tron manifesto that I kept starting over because I had way too many things to say about why Sam/Tron is so different from all my other ships and OTPs. Then I decided to make the manifesto a response to a Tumblr tag - "#I PROMISE SOME OF US READ YOUR FICS FOR THE COMMENTARY ON SEXUALITY BB" - and, uh, I got really angry.
I'm not angry that most people don't read or see my commentary on sexuality. I'm angry about what I ended up doing because my commentary got too uncomfortable.
I generally dislike going back and editing already-posted fics because of the embarrassment factor, like "oh god it's out there on the Internet and everyone and their grandmother's read it so how can I go back and change them words knowing that they'll always carry with them what they read". I have never gone back and edited in a whole mini-scene to create a "foreshadowing" to something that happens in a later fic.
I told myself it was for the best. I shouldn't ambush my readers. This is something they should have an inkling about. This is something Sam should've noticed and addressed much earlier in the series.
This is what really happened.
I knew what part was going to throw readers off (if they cared for it at all). That's why I attached a footnote. I braced myself for the comments because I knew I'll get them. I knew what the fuck I was doing. It was a calculated risk.
In the end I still wasn't prepared because I assumed too much about people. And after discussing, hemming, and hawing, I went ahead and modified one of the chapters in Pilots to "foreshadow" the "reveal" in Howl Pt. 1. Who foreshadows for things in pornfic?
You can tell me to just change it back if I hate it that much. That's not the issue here. The issue is that I was convinced that editing that chapter was better.
You know why it's not better? It wasn't a thing that needed foreshadowing. It wasn't a thing that needed pointing out. It wasn't necessary with the fully revised version of Pilots, the one I went through and rewrote entirely after I decided to characterize Sam as a demisexual.
I never said anything in the fic. I never made a point about having Sam explicitly identify as a demisexual. If I really was making a commentary on sexuality then it wasn't a good choice. But this isn't a commentary on sexuality. It's a story that just happens to also be a commentary on sexuality. I'm writing a character who's also a demisexual, not a demisexual character.
What does Sam being a demisexual have to do with what happened with Howl Pt. 1? Let's just say that a large part of Sam's characterization is based on a growing collection of personal and second-hand thoughts and experiences. Sex organs, genitals, those pesky bits between our legs, they're just there. They're secondary, tertiary, or nonexistent unless absolutely necessary. And what's a better way to make that more "real" than to remove those bits for all things in-Grid? I headcanon that Users are translated, not transplanted, through the digitizer onto the Grid to adapt them to the system, therefore the differences between them and the inhabitants are deeper in the code/DNA and not physically distinct. Everyone on the Grid is as anatomically impaired as a Ken or Barbie doll and Kevin Flynn never bothered to fix it because he cared way more about playing around with code than making sure he still had a dick.
The majority of the fics - and all of Pilots - is from Sam's POV. His identity isn't tied that strongly to sex and the how of it. If I could I would probably mention somewhere, offhand, that he rarely masturbates. The urge isn't there unless Tron's around and he really doesn't think about the existence of his dick. And you know what? I can do that. I can do that and I can write him just going with not having on in-Grid. I don't have add a paragraph or two about him noticing it not being there and then shaking that thought out of his head. And that would be okay. That should be okay.
Hey, everyone - surprise, Pilots!verse is also a commentary on sexuality and will feature such concepts and ideas like no peen, no insertive sex, and shades of gray-A. If you don't like it, if you're uncomfortable or weirded out by it, then don't read "Howl". If you're curious, learning, or connecting with what I'm tinkering with, then keep reading. I got 5000 words of Howl Pt. 2 and I'm not done writing.
I'm feeling pretty angry right now. I'll probably regret what I type in the morning but right now? I'm not seeing a way out of this life and I don't think I have the fortitude to make that way happen, so.
Let's talk about that one giant pornfic-in-progress of mine, "Howl", and the last third of this LJ post about it.
Actually, I have a gdoc that was originally gonna be a real quick Sam/Tron manifesto that I kept starting over because I had way too many things to say about why Sam/Tron is so different from all my other ships and OTPs. Then I decided to make the manifesto a response to a Tumblr tag - "#I PROMISE SOME OF US READ YOUR FICS FOR THE COMMENTARY ON SEXUALITY BB" - and, uh, I got really angry.
I'm not angry that most people don't read or see my commentary on sexuality. I'm angry about what I ended up doing because my commentary got too uncomfortable.
I generally dislike going back and editing already-posted fics because of the embarrassment factor, like "oh god it's out there on the Internet and everyone and their grandmother's read it so how can I go back and change them words knowing that they'll always carry with them what they read". I have never gone back and edited in a whole mini-scene to create a "foreshadowing" to something that happens in a later fic.
I told myself it was for the best. I shouldn't ambush my readers. This is something they should have an inkling about. This is something Sam should've noticed and addressed much earlier in the series.
This is what really happened.
- Back when I wrote Pilots in January/February 2011 I still had massive hangups with regard to writing porn (this is in spite of writing a bunch for SPN). Actually, I still do. Point is, writing porn. I'm not comfortable with it. Never have been and never will be.
- I purposefully obfuscated the language I used in the sex scenes in Pilots to give myself some space to figure out how exactly I want to write it.
- I started writing Sam as a demisexual. That changed everything.
- I stopped obfuscating the language because now I knew what the hell I was doing.
- I got bold enough to write "Howl".
I knew what part was going to throw readers off (if they cared for it at all). That's why I attached a footnote. I braced myself for the comments because I knew I'll get them. I knew what the fuck I was doing. It was a calculated risk.
In the end I still wasn't prepared because I assumed too much about people. And after discussing, hemming, and hawing, I went ahead and modified one of the chapters in Pilots to "foreshadow" the "reveal" in Howl Pt. 1. Who foreshadows for things in pornfic?
You can tell me to just change it back if I hate it that much. That's not the issue here. The issue is that I was convinced that editing that chapter was better.
You know why it's not better? It wasn't a thing that needed foreshadowing. It wasn't a thing that needed pointing out. It wasn't necessary with the fully revised version of Pilots, the one I went through and rewrote entirely after I decided to characterize Sam as a demisexual.
I never said anything in the fic. I never made a point about having Sam explicitly identify as a demisexual. If I really was making a commentary on sexuality then it wasn't a good choice. But this isn't a commentary on sexuality. It's a story that just happens to also be a commentary on sexuality. I'm writing a character who's also a demisexual, not a demisexual character.
What does Sam being a demisexual have to do with what happened with Howl Pt. 1? Let's just say that a large part of Sam's characterization is based on a growing collection of personal and second-hand thoughts and experiences. Sex organs, genitals, those pesky bits between our legs, they're just there. They're secondary, tertiary, or nonexistent unless absolutely necessary. And what's a better way to make that more "real" than to remove those bits for all things in-Grid? I headcanon that Users are translated, not transplanted, through the digitizer onto the Grid to adapt them to the system, therefore the differences between them and the inhabitants are deeper in the code/DNA and not physically distinct. Everyone on the Grid is as anatomically impaired as a Ken or Barbie doll and Kevin Flynn never bothered to fix it because he cared way more about playing around with code than making sure he still had a dick.
The majority of the fics - and all of Pilots - is from Sam's POV. His identity isn't tied that strongly to sex and the how of it. If I could I would probably mention somewhere, offhand, that he rarely masturbates. The urge isn't there unless Tron's around and he really doesn't think about the existence of his dick. And you know what? I can do that. I can do that and I can write him just going with not having on in-Grid. I don't have add a paragraph or two about him noticing it not being there and then shaking that thought out of his head. And that would be okay. That should be okay.
Hey, everyone - surprise, Pilots!verse is also a commentary on sexuality and will feature such concepts and ideas like no peen, no insertive sex, and shades of gray-A. If you don't like it, if you're uncomfortable or weirded out by it, then don't read "Howl". If you're curious, learning, or connecting with what I'm tinkering with, then keep reading. I got 5000 words of Howl Pt. 2 and I'm not done writing.