"Barack" vs. "Obama".
Mr. President. President Obama. Obama 대통령.
I only started noticing it when I got into politifandom. I never felt comfortable referring to my president as "Barack" or the VP as "Joe", especially in ficcing. They may refer to each other by their first names but I always felt wrong whenever I typed them out.
The anxiety only grew as I moved on to NuTrek, Supernatural, South Park, and Tron. I have never, ever felt right about calling parental/authority figures by their first names (well, I never liked calling any of the characters in NuTrek by their first names anyway) but I always thought it would seem really off to refer to them all throughout the fics by their last names. It's worse when the POV character is a child of a parental figure. You have no idea how much I agonized over Dean referring to his father as "John", even if it's in prose and not dialogue or inner thoughts (I prefer "Sir" myself, >____>).
The South Park and Tron fics have been utter nightmares. I'm writing from the POVs of Stan Marsh and Sam Flynn and my soul dies a little each time I have to write their parents' names down. It's why halfway through the Tron fic I switched from "Kevin" to "Flynn".
It's why I cringe/freak out whenever a friend's parents tells me I can call them by their first names. I just don't do that. I grew up calling Mom and Dad 엄마 and 아빠; a first name is never attached. Even relatives closer to my age - or at least straddling the age/generation gap between me and my parents - get an honorific attached. For instance, I never call my dad's cousin "Sharon"; it's "Sharon 고모", because even if she's young enough for me to converse with comfortably she's still older, still an authority figure.
Fucking culture clash.
So far I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what happened over winter break for my brain to rewire itself. All of Fall 2010 I was more or less spinning out of control. I really did think I was losing myself. Winter 2011 starts and things start snapping into place. I'm still not making great waves in terms of a post-college life (grad school? teaching in Korea? move back home? what what?) but I'm paying way more attention to my academics/classes than the past two years. As a student this should be a given but considering the way I was going this is actually a BFD.
So what happened? I don't know. My sleeping pattern's changed drastically since I came back - I can't stay up as late as I did last year and I will wake up of my own accord anywhere from one to two hours before my alarm's set to go off. Even if I went to bed only three hours ago I will wake up, sit up, check my phone, and try not to throw it across the room. Anxiety, maybe?
I have no real good reason to compare Supernatural and Tron. It's just that with this new fandom I'm actually spending time reading published works of fiction. It's been months, if not over a year, since I finished a book (which happened to be Good Omens and, given which fandom I was in at the time, made a lot of sense); then the new year/fandom swings in and I'm on my second book. To be fair I'm only reading them when I'm too angry/distracted/stuck on fic but my god it does wonders for me.
I forgot how much I loved to read.
So I freaked out so badly while writing a scene that I forgot a sentence when posting the latest update to the prompt I claimed over at TKM. Luckily (and to my embarrassment) a reader who apparently developed a keen eye for the way I describe things pointed it out; unluckily I can't go back and edit. Or is that just on _political? Too late now.
Action scenes I can do (easily, very easily). Angst? Well it'll stress the hell out of me but I can write it. Fluff/UST/romance? Shoot me now.
How did I write The Bookshop again without losing it?
It's like this: when I was young(er) I put a self-imposed ban on writing romance as a genre. I found no joy in sap and fluff and the drama that follows. It might be the Korean dramas. It might be my general disinterest/dislike for rom coms (although there's more to the rom coms than just not being my preferred movie genre, like stereotypes and patriarchy). It might be Saturday morning cartoons (Fox Kids all the way across the sky~). Whatever it is, I bucked at the idea that because I'm a cisgender girl I'm supposed to like romances and shit. As someone who was quickly developing a habit of being contrary and going to the other extreme when pushed I decided that I will absolutely not write/read/watch all this stupid mindless romance bullshit.
Instead I will write plot.
I still wonder if this all started because I'm asexual. I say I believe in sexual fluidity (because my life philosophy consists of "you never know what's going to happen next" and "go with the flow") but my asexuality (and my atheism) is the most stable facet of my identity. I have bounced between heteroromantic, biromantic, panromantic, and aromantic but I was, am and will always be ace. Sex and sexual relationships were never important to me, and it might be why I just don't write porn. If I'm ever going to write it I need plot, I need an emotional connection with these characters in order to get into the groove of things. I need buildup, chemistry, character development, inner and outer forces, anything and everything that'll give me reason to write about fucking.
I wrote straight-up porn only twice - » 素敵だね « Ïsn˘t Ï W˚ndürf-l? [Kingdom Hearts II, Kairi/Roxas] and Darkfall [Supernatural, Dean/Castiel] (with a four year gap in between) - and they don't make me happy. I keep rereading Darkfall and all I can think is, "This is so cold."
(Halo of Flies only works because it's a coda, it follows SPN 514 "My Bloody Valentine", it already has plot)
Fluff, sap, schmoop, UST, romance, they all make me squirm. A part of my brain still berates me for writing such pointless, empty-headed things. It's why I start freaking out over twitter and giving myself panic attacks. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how they can write porn without flinching or flipping the fuck out. It boggles me.
It's why it's taking me over 27,000 words to get to the porn for a prompt at a kink meme (which seems to care as much about plot, mindless shenanigans, and angst as it does porn). Then again the prompt is asking for porn with characters who never interacted in the movie. Something has to happen for them to not just meet but also form a relationship between them, right? It's only natural.
And, well, the more I wrote the more I fell in love with the characters and the ship. It's why I call Sam Flynn/Tron my Dean/Castiel.
Otherwise I'd be forever happy writing an asexual!Sam. I just need a really good prompt for it, since the only one I found still asks for a romantic relationship.
I'm just a plot-driven person (and chemistry falls under that umbrella). Unless it's shiny. Then I don't give a fuck.
Does any of this even make sense? :\
Oh great, this is 1261 words. Good job,
shirozora. You just had to get wordy again, didn't you?
I only started noticing it when I got into politifandom. I never felt comfortable referring to my president as "Barack" or the VP as "Joe", especially in ficcing. They may refer to each other by their first names but I always felt wrong whenever I typed them out.
The anxiety only grew as I moved on to NuTrek, Supernatural, South Park, and Tron. I have never, ever felt right about calling parental/authority figures by their first names (well, I never liked calling any of the characters in NuTrek by their first names anyway) but I always thought it would seem really off to refer to them all throughout the fics by their last names. It's worse when the POV character is a child of a parental figure. You have no idea how much I agonized over Dean referring to his father as "John", even if it's in prose and not dialogue or inner thoughts (I prefer "Sir" myself, >____>).
The South Park and Tron fics have been utter nightmares. I'm writing from the POVs of Stan Marsh and Sam Flynn and my soul dies a little each time I have to write their parents' names down. It's why halfway through the Tron fic I switched from "Kevin" to "Flynn".
It's why I cringe/freak out whenever a friend's parents tells me I can call them by their first names. I just don't do that. I grew up calling Mom and Dad 엄마 and 아빠; a first name is never attached. Even relatives closer to my age - or at least straddling the age/generation gap between me and my parents - get an honorific attached. For instance, I never call my dad's cousin "Sharon"; it's "Sharon 고모", because even if she's young enough for me to converse with comfortably she's still older, still an authority figure.
Fucking culture clash.
So far I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what happened over winter break for my brain to rewire itself. All of Fall 2010 I was more or less spinning out of control. I really did think I was losing myself. Winter 2011 starts and things start snapping into place. I'm still not making great waves in terms of a post-college life (grad school? teaching in Korea? move back home? what what?) but I'm paying way more attention to my academics/classes than the past two years. As a student this should be a given but considering the way I was going this is actually a BFD.
So what happened? I don't know. My sleeping pattern's changed drastically since I came back - I can't stay up as late as I did last year and I will wake up of my own accord anywhere from one to two hours before my alarm's set to go off. Even if I went to bed only three hours ago I will wake up, sit up, check my phone, and try not to throw it across the room. Anxiety, maybe?
I have no real good reason to compare Supernatural and Tron. It's just that with this new fandom I'm actually spending time reading published works of fiction. It's been months, if not over a year, since I finished a book (which happened to be Good Omens and, given which fandom I was in at the time, made a lot of sense); then the new year/fandom swings in and I'm on my second book. To be fair I'm only reading them when I'm too angry/distracted/stuck on fic but my god it does wonders for me.
I forgot how much I loved to read.
So I freaked out so badly while writing a scene that I forgot a sentence when posting the latest update to the prompt I claimed over at TKM. Luckily (and to my embarrassment) a reader who apparently developed a keen eye for the way I describe things pointed it out; unluckily I can't go back and edit. Or is that just on _political? Too late now.
Action scenes I can do (easily, very easily). Angst? Well it'll stress the hell out of me but I can write it. Fluff/UST/romance? Shoot me now.
How did I write The Bookshop again without losing it?
It's like this: when I was young(er) I put a self-imposed ban on writing romance as a genre. I found no joy in sap and fluff and the drama that follows. It might be the Korean dramas. It might be my general disinterest/dislike for rom coms (although there's more to the rom coms than just not being my preferred movie genre, like stereotypes and patriarchy). It might be Saturday morning cartoons (Fox Kids all the way across the sky~). Whatever it is, I bucked at the idea that because I'm a cisgender girl I'm supposed to like romances and shit. As someone who was quickly developing a habit of being contrary and going to the other extreme when pushed I decided that I will absolutely not write/read/watch all this stupid mindless romance bullshit.
Instead I will write plot.
I still wonder if this all started because I'm asexual. I say I believe in sexual fluidity (because my life philosophy consists of "you never know what's going to happen next" and "go with the flow") but my asexuality (and my atheism) is the most stable facet of my identity. I have bounced between heteroromantic, biromantic, panromantic, and aromantic but I was, am and will always be ace. Sex and sexual relationships were never important to me, and it might be why I just don't write porn. If I'm ever going to write it I need plot, I need an emotional connection with these characters in order to get into the groove of things. I need buildup, chemistry, character development, inner and outer forces, anything and everything that'll give me reason to write about fucking.
I wrote straight-up porn only twice - » 素敵だね « Ïsn˘t Ï W˚ndürf-l? [Kingdom Hearts II, Kairi/Roxas] and Darkfall [Supernatural, Dean/Castiel] (with a four year gap in between) - and they don't make me happy. I keep rereading Darkfall and all I can think is, "This is so cold."
(Halo of Flies only works because it's a coda, it follows SPN 514 "My Bloody Valentine", it already has plot)
Fluff, sap, schmoop, UST, romance, they all make me squirm. A part of my brain still berates me for writing such pointless, empty-headed things. It's why I start freaking out over twitter and giving myself panic attacks. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know how they can write porn without flinching or flipping the fuck out. It boggles me.
It's why it's taking me over 27,000 words to get to the porn for a prompt at a kink meme (which seems to care as much about plot, mindless shenanigans, and angst as it does porn). Then again the prompt is asking for porn with characters who never interacted in the movie. Something has to happen for them to not just meet but also form a relationship between them, right? It's only natural.
And, well, the more I wrote the more I fell in love with the characters and the ship. It's why I call Sam Flynn/Tron my Dean/Castiel.
Otherwise I'd be forever happy writing an asexual!Sam. I just need a really good prompt for it, since the only one I found still asks for a romantic relationship.
I'm just a plot-driven person (and chemistry falls under that umbrella). Unless it's shiny. Then I don't give a fuck.
Does any of this even make sense? :\
Oh great, this is 1261 words. Good job,
shirozora. You just had to get wordy again, didn't you?