[+001] [PRIVATE]
It’s not safe when you feel as though your brain is suddenly leaking out from your ears.
This is the second time that she's called, at least from what memory serves, that first time had been her, as she confirmed it herself.
The second time she called I had to explain that he was staying late at the school to help some of the students with a study group. I don't understand it right now and I honestly don't think I have for the past year and a half since he arrived and moved in with me. I hate this feeling (and I know it isn’t my illness either); tight chest, shortness of breath, lightheaded, confused, sexually frustrated.
And I'm writing to myself right now, but who cares! I really have to get this off my chest, gah. I’ve been practically ripping my hair out over this, over him; what’s wrong with me?
He doesn’t seem the type to be taken for long, it has to be his very laid-back attitude, but why does that ... disturb me? Why does the thought of him being with someone else or spending his time with someone else seem so threatening and vexing?
Shut up, brain, it isn’t jealousy. Or me being possessive.
Oh this is hard to get out even if no one has access to this; harhar, Jyuushiro, look at you, you're wibbling worse then a female. Maybe I should cut my hair; if I do that, Shunsui would skin me, I know it. That or else he'd force me into 1,000 hours of therapy. With him. Alone.
As comfortable as I am with the guy, I don't particularly think I'm that comfortable as to admit that I might just be possibly crushing (is that really what it is?) on my roommate.
First I miss a day of meds, then I get hit with an attack days later so severe it causes me to pass out, and before that my mornings are quite rough with symptoms that leave me feeling as though I should take sick days but I force myself to my classes anyways (I don't particularly like substitutes; they seem to know nothing at times... and really I hate making him work on his days off…). I don't want to mention the whole stint with the breakfasts he makes me when I'm ill. I appreciate everything he does for me, I really do, but there are times when it becomes … hard.
Hard to talk to him, to look at him, but I do it either way regardless.
...why is it hard again, Jyuushiro?
Oh come off it, you’re literally a walking hard-on everyday almost. For fuck sakes. I just want to smack my head on the desk, make the turmoil that’s taken over my mind disappear. And to know there seems to be someone with an interest in him who keeps calling here?
A good friend of mine who used to be a psychiatrist would always ask, “And how does that make you feel?”
Well I’ll tell you how that makes me feel; horrible. And at the same time, I feel as though I’m just overreacting. I need a smoke. I’m actually (just now) regretting having listened to the doctor when he said long, long ago, “If you keep smoking that smoke, you’ll be dead within the next twenty-four hours.”
Well my hat’s now off to you, Doc.
And even with this new medication my lungs haven't improved. It's making me worry, and I haven't told him; he doesn't know about the perscription change. There are some mornings that make me think, ‘I should’ve just kept on smoking that cigarette,’ as I lay in bed, feeling like Death Himself were at my feet.
I’ll deal with this; are you listening, Jyuushiro? You. Will. Deal. With. This. Just read that one line over and over and keep telling yourself that; it’ll work out for you in the end. When hasn’t it?
Oh, that’s right; the night you went to bed and woke up with white hair.