Did I pee myself?
Let me start with saying I'm a heavy sleeper.
Take the other day for example:
The night before work, I took my clothes out of the dryer and hung the shirt and pants up so I don't have to iron them.
I showered before going to bed, so I slept pretty well.
When I woke up I went to the sink and wet my hair so I could comb it, brushed my teeth and took my meds for the day.
Went back to the bedroom and got dressed and made sure to grab my bag and sketchbook. Almost never have the time to draw at work anymore, but you never know.
So I headed to the garage, got in the car and left for work.
That's when I first smelled it.
Cat urine.
AKA kitty squeazin's.
AKA How my cat tells me it's not happy, but not mad enough to make tootsie rolls under the couch.
I sniffed the air. It's not like it was a slap in the face smell, like when after a night of eating elephant shit and rotting cabbage an older brother might sit on their younger brother's chest, face their feet, and fart. (Ahem...Jason)
No, the smell fluctuated from subtle, like aftershave, to...not so subtle, like how an old man can smell like his own mouth if he’s not careful; then the smell shifted right back to subtle.
Thing is, I don't have the best sense of smell. Hell, sometimes I think I smell things that turn out really aren't there, so I don't always trust what I think I smell. Just like when you're on the toilet and your nose sort of "shuts off" so you don't stab your face from the smell, that's me normally. My wife on the other hand, has a very strong sense of smell.
One evening I was on the toilet giving man-birth to Sven the Unmentionable and his cousins Paco and the ChocoTacos. My wife accidentally walked into the restroom totally unprepared while I was knee-deep in toilet abuse. It was like watching one of those old WWII movies where they strung a steel wire across a road at night to garrote Nazi's riding motorcycles at night who have obviously never watched a WWII movie before. She walked in and it was like her head stopped but her body kept moving forward; her knees buckled and she fell to the floor screaming “OH MEIN GOTT SIE UNSCHONER SCHWEINE VON EINEN MANN! MEINE NASE SUCHT RACHE!! SIE GLUCK HABEN ZU FETT FIT IM OFEN!! 99 ROT BALLONS!!!”
In this case, being prepared means she wouldn't walk in to the restroom if I'm there. Even if she was being shot at.
Anyways, I digress.
The smell would fade and the air actually smelled good like...a scented candle. That's when I remembered the candle my wife got from her father's girlfriend for an early Christmas gift. It was left in my back seat and filled the car with a wonderful aroma...that was occassionally accented with the smell of cat piss.
I was so close to work at this point that going back would have made me really late, and I didn't trust my sense of smell anyways since the smell wasn't a constant strong thing, so I soldiered on.
It was while I was sitting at my desk that I noticed something was wrong.
I smelled it.
I sniffed the left collar. I sniffed the right collar. Nothing.
I smelled it again.
Now I'm wondering if it wasn't cat piss. I'm wondering if I woke up in the middle of the night and "sleep-peed" on my pants.
Remembering the effect my home made pudding has had on my wife's nose I figured this wasn't likely since no one else was falling down at work.
Then I thought, "It's gotta be the cat. But when did my cat learn how to open the dryer and piss on my shirt?"
Then I had a horrible thought. If the smell is always with me, but not on my clothes it's gotta be on me.
I didn't pee myself.
I think that bastard cat pissed on my face.
Take the other day for example:
The night before work, I took my clothes out of the dryer and hung the shirt and pants up so I don't have to iron them.
I showered before going to bed, so I slept pretty well.
When I woke up I went to the sink and wet my hair so I could comb it, brushed my teeth and took my meds for the day.
Went back to the bedroom and got dressed and made sure to grab my bag and sketchbook. Almost never have the time to draw at work anymore, but you never know.
So I headed to the garage, got in the car and left for work.
That's when I first smelled it.
Cat urine.
AKA kitty squeazin's.
AKA How my cat tells me it's not happy, but not mad enough to make tootsie rolls under the couch.
I sniffed the air. It's not like it was a slap in the face smell, like when after a night of eating elephant shit and rotting cabbage an older brother might sit on their younger brother's chest, face their feet, and fart. (Ahem...Jason)
No, the smell fluctuated from subtle, like aftershave, to...not so subtle, like how an old man can smell like his own mouth if he’s not careful; then the smell shifted right back to subtle.
Thing is, I don't have the best sense of smell. Hell, sometimes I think I smell things that turn out really aren't there, so I don't always trust what I think I smell. Just like when you're on the toilet and your nose sort of "shuts off" so you don't stab your face from the smell, that's me normally. My wife on the other hand, has a very strong sense of smell.
One evening I was on the toilet giving man-birth to Sven the Unmentionable and his cousins Paco and the ChocoTacos. My wife accidentally walked into the restroom totally unprepared while I was knee-deep in toilet abuse. It was like watching one of those old WWII movies where they strung a steel wire across a road at night to garrote Nazi's riding motorcycles at night who have obviously never watched a WWII movie before. She walked in and it was like her head stopped but her body kept moving forward; her knees buckled and she fell to the floor screaming “OH MEIN GOTT SIE UNSCHONER SCHWEINE VON EINEN MANN! MEINE NASE SUCHT RACHE!! SIE GLUCK HABEN ZU FETT FIT IM OFEN!! 99 ROT BALLONS!!!”
In this case, being prepared means she wouldn't walk in to the restroom if I'm there. Even if she was being shot at.
Anyways, I digress.
The smell would fade and the air actually smelled good like...a scented candle. That's when I remembered the candle my wife got from her father's girlfriend for an early Christmas gift. It was left in my back seat and filled the car with a wonderful aroma...that was occassionally accented with the smell of cat piss.
I was so close to work at this point that going back would have made me really late, and I didn't trust my sense of smell anyways since the smell wasn't a constant strong thing, so I soldiered on.
It was while I was sitting at my desk that I noticed something was wrong.
I smelled it.
I sniffed the left collar. I sniffed the right collar. Nothing.
I smelled it again.
Now I'm wondering if it wasn't cat piss. I'm wondering if I woke up in the middle of the night and "sleep-peed" on my pants.
Remembering the effect my home made pudding has had on my wife's nose I figured this wasn't likely since no one else was falling down at work.
Then I thought, "It's gotta be the cat. But when did my cat learn how to open the dryer and piss on my shirt?"
Then I had a horrible thought. If the smell is always with me, but not on my clothes it's gotta be on me.
I didn't pee myself.
I think that bastard cat pissed on my face.