I HAS NEW MERLIN U GUISE
Be vewwy vewwy quiet, Prince Arthur is hunting... actually, he doesn't know what it is but he sends Merlin to the prospective lion's den anyway, with the parting words "let's hope [it's dangerous]" and a totally manly slap on the shoulder. ARTHURRRR. He's never going to marry you if you insist on being like that.
It's a unicorn! Imagine my non-surprise. Merlin's little face! And then Arthur shoots the unicorn from behind the World's Most Phallic Tree, to Merlin's absolute horror, and THEN HE COMES AND MAKES GLEEFACES ABOUT HIS ACCOMPLISHMENT. ARTHUR, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON.
"DON'T BE SUCH A GIRL, MERLIN." VERBATIM. ARTHURRRR.
OMG, Merlin can see Saruman Gandalf That Dude Whose Name Is in This Week's Episode Title while no on else can.
Arthur takes the Big Phallic Object to his dad the king, who's no less excited about it. Merlin, who's being made to carry the thing on a velvet cushion, is considerably less excited. As is Gaius. And everyone who doesn't have 'Pendragon' tacked to the end of their name, looks like.
Merlin keeps moping about Arthur's insensitive ways to the point where Arthur gets in his face about it. Merlin won't pay attention to his needs! His chambers are infested by rats and Merlin just keeps staring out of the window and sighing! ONLY IN CAMELOT. IDK, to me this feels different from any of their disagreements so far, probably because of last week, and. Merlin tries so hard to understand why Arthur would do something like that! Merlin thought Arthur hung the moon and then he went and did this, as opposed to when Merlin thought Arthur was an ass and of course would do something like this. OH MY HEART.
Then shit starts going down: surprise crop failure! Surprise livestock death! Surprise empty grain storage! Surprise dried-up wells! It's sad but what's more, each of these scenes is really, really aesthetically pleasing.
I love that Gaius is totally chill about Merlin's magic these days--remember episode with Sir Undead and Gaius remarking how handy Merlin's torch-lighting powers were? My delight in their relationship, let me show you it! <3
Arthur catches Merlin breaking curfew and Merlin uses the rat hunt as his cover. "So you have been outwitted by a rat," Arthur concludes. "Go home, it would be embarrassing to have to lock up my own servant for breaking the curfew." THIS IS ACTIVELY BREAKING MY HEART.
But before Merlin can go, OH YAY ARTHUR SEES THIS GEDREF DUDE TOO AND THEY CHASE HIM THROUGH THE CASTLE IN THE DARK TOGETHERRRRR <3333
AND ARTHUR TRIES TO SIGN TO MERLIN THAT HE WANTS HIM TO GO LOOK IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND MERLIN'S NODDING LIKE HE GETS IT AND FOLLOWS ARTHUR ANYWAY BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOESN'T GET ARTHUR'S (REALLY OBVIOUS) KNIGHT CLUB SIGN LANGUAGE AND OR DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE ARTHUR ON HIS OWN. I VOTE FOR OPTION B. ANYWAY, THIS IS HILARIOUS.
Oh, so not-Saruman's name isn't actually Gedref? Maybe? He shows up and in plain English informs Arthur and Merlin that there's a curse and it's Arthur's fault. Arthur, being Arthur, tries to intimidate the old dude. It's not working very well. Merlin's only barely biting down on the I TOLD YOU SHOOTING UNICORNS WAS A BAD IDEA.
GAIUS SERVES TEA MADE INTO THE BATH MERLIN TOOK THE DAY BEFORE. AND LET ME REPEAT: GAIUS AND MERLIN'S UNCLASSIFIABLE THING WARMS MY HEART AND CURLS MY TOES. <3 "It's not so bad. Perhaps a little... soapy?"
Arthur's having a bad day. Not only is there a famine around the corner, but the rat has eaten a hole in his boot. And Merlin thinks it's funny. "Moderately." Arthur might be cranky because he's hungry or he might be cranky because secretly he does suspect this whole mess is his fault though he won't admit it; in any case, he's regressed to the bitch he was when we first met him. OH ARTHUR. He resorts to THROWING HIS BOOT AT MERLIN.
"You cannot trust a word a sorcerer says, you'd do well to remember that." Them fighting and Arthur's obliviousness make me want to cry.
...BUT THEN HE MAKES UP FOR IT BY TAKING MERLIN AND NOT A SINGLE KNIGHT ALONG ON A MIDNIGHT PATROL IN THE CASTLE. AND THEY CATCH A LOOTER AND INSTEAD OF EXECUTING THE MAN ARTHUR LETS HIM GO AND EVEN TELLS HIM TO TAKE THE BAG OF GRAIN HE WAS STEALING FOR HIS KIDS. ALL TOGETHER NOW: AWWWH. THE DUDE, OF COURSE, IS NO ORDINARY LOOTER. DUN DUN DUNNNN.
(By this point, I've spent an hour and a half watching the first twenty minutes of the ep. Simply because I have to pause all the time to squee, or skip back because MY EYES AND EARS MUST'VE BEEN LYING TO ME, and then squee again because NO THEY WEREN'T. And I'm capping and writing this, so. Makes a good thing last longer!)
Gwen and Morgana are feeding those worst off with food Gwen stole from the castle kitchens. Still acting coupley! <3
Meanwhile, Arthur is seeing the light. For some values of light, anyway. Yes, bb, Merlin was right all along WHY DO YOU EVER QUESTION HIM HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU.
...SOUP. AHAHAHAHA. MERLIN TAKES GREAT PLEASURE IN GETTING ARTHUR TO TASTE HIS DELICIOUS RAT SOUP. ARTHUR TAKES EVEN GREATER PLEASURE IN COURTEOUSLY FORCING MERLIN TO JOIN HIM. THEMMMMMM <3 <3 <3
SAVED BY MORGANA. \o/
They go hunting for the dude in white but get separated. Oh no. This won't end well. The looting peasant shows up again, but now he's a thief and a liar. And he insults Arthur's pride and honor and hits his daddy issue buttons kind of hard. Ow. At the end of all that, Arthur's decision to defend his rep with his sword has cost Camelot its survival. At home, Gaius and Merlin worry about Arthur's state of mind--and eat huge bugs. THIS IS WRONG, SHOW. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CRY AND LAUGH AT THE SAME TIME.
WHAT. UTHER HAS AN ATTACK OF THE CRAZY. Arthur tries to make a case for asking help from their neighboring kingdoms but Uther won't hear of it on the grounds that they'd attack the moment they realized the desperate bind Camelot is in (WTF, don't they have any sworn allies?). This goes against my faith in Uther being a fundamentally good king who cares for the greater good, sometimes at the expense of individuals, even if he is a completely unreasonable alarmist when it comes to magic. But I can roll with this, because Arthur has a moment and again, on a clear day, we can see the future. Sigh.
Arthur and Merlin watch the last of the food being handed out to the people before Uther will stop the distribution, and Arthur blames himself so hard it hurts. It hurts Merlin too, so he goes to the woods to plead with Old Sorcerer Dude.
YOU GUYS, HE IS SO PROUD THAT HE TRUSTS ARTHUR WITH HIS LIFE. I MEAN. PROUD OF ARTHUR. BECAUSE THAT CAME OUT WEIRD.
This ep has been so packed with awesome, I FORGOT ABOUT THE FATAL PICNIC AT THE BEACH IS GOING TO HAPPEN. MY BRAIN CAN'T PROCESS ALL THIS AWESOME.
Arthur tries to leave Merlin behind. Ahahaha, AS IF. SO MERLIN FOLLOWS HIM. MY HEARRRRTT. (P.S. COLIN MORGAN, PLEASE ALWAYS BE NEAR HORSES OKAY. <3)
Labyrinth blah blah, old guy (who apparently is Gedref supposing Gedref is a dude) kidnaps Merlin to be part of his devious test for Arthur, &c., &c.
They're at the beach of not very romantic dates. The test features two goblets, one of which is filled with poison. AND OF COURSE THEY'RE FALLING OVER THEMSELVES TO SAVE THE OTHER WITH NO REGARD FOR PERSONAL COST. Seeing this coming makes it no less fantastic and touching and OMG GET MARRIED ALREADY. <3 <3 <3 <3
"I had no idea you were so keen to die for me."
"Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself."
THEY'RE SO THEM BUT AT THE SAME TIME THERE'S OBVIOUSLY A DISTINCT ABSENCE OF THE USUAL BITE. I'M RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO SAY 'THIS BREAKS MY HEART'.
"I'm glad you are here, Merlin. Here at the end of all things." QUOTING LORD OF THE RINGS IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS MOMENT CALLS FOR FROM ME.
"You know me, Merlin. I never listen to you."
OH NO OH NO OH NO OH JESUS
NEVER MIND KNOWING IT'LL BE OKAY AND I BET THE TEST WAS TO SEE WHAT THEY'D DO AND THERE WAS NO ACTUAL POISON, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, ARTHURRRRRR NO NO NO
HEY AND HE JUST AS GOOD AS SAID 'I LOVE YOU'
THIS SHOW CAN'T GET ANY BETTER
<3333333333
OH GOD OH GOD THAT SCENE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS SHOW.
AND THEN THEY GO HOME AND AGREE NOT TO TELL UTHER WHAT REALLY WENT DOWN.
AND THEN THEY BUILD A GRAVE FOR THE UNICORN. EXCEPT THE UNICORN ISN'T DEAD BECAUSE THE MOMENT ARTHUR PROVED HIMSELF THE UNICORN WAS RESURRECTED. AND THEY DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE UNICORN BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE EITHER OF THEM WAS A VIRGIN BY ANY DEFINITION AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS EPISODE I AM NOT BUYING THAT THEY ARE ANYMORE, AND THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR THE SCRIPT TO EXPLAIN. SO THEY ADMIRE FROM AFAR AND IT'S VERY MAGICAL AND 'I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES, I DO, I DO' AND MY HEART CAN'T CONTAIN THIS, I WILL ACTUALLY DIE FROM JOY AND RAPTURE. <3 <3 <3
OH BUT HOLY FUCK THE ANGST FEST THAT WILL BE NEXT WEEK. MORGANA! MERLIN! And evidently it's useless to try and maintain that Uther's not all bad, really, because that way lies absolute and unnecessary heartbreak.
IN CONCLUSION: NO PREDICTIONS OF THIS EPISODE DARED ASSUME IT'D BE QUITE THIS AMAZING. LAST WEEK PALES IN COMPARISON YET AGAIN. AND MY HEART WON'T SETTLE DOWN FOR DAYS, OH MY GOD. <3
THREE CHEERS FOR THIS EP AND CAN I GET AN 'AWOOGAH'?