Aro/ace mess
I haven't updated this journal in a long time because I was supposed to start using another one under my real name more often. But there's some personal stuff that I'd rather not have, for example, my potential future employers read, so... Hi LJ?
Maybe a couple of years ago now I finally came to the conclusion that I'm asexual - more specifically aegosexual. Basically, sex is great in theory, in stories and fantasies, but I don't actually desire to touch anyone's bits or be touched. It took me this long to figure it out (even if I've considered the option before) exactly because I thought that since pretty much all my stories included sex, it meant that I wanted it for myself, too. (Nevermind the fact that I was never a character in my stories.) In my case, there's a huge difference between fantasy and real desire. I should've known better already from the fact that my Sims pop out babies like rabbits and I've never wanted to have kids.
The attraction that I feel for other people could be considered aesthetic and sensual. Aesthetic attraction means I can be attracted by how a person looks, sounds or smells, for example, without desiring anything sexual to come out of it. To me, the voice is especially important. If I really like a person AND they have a voice I like, it feels super comfortable, safe, and warm to just listen to them. And if they say my name or talk to me especially, it gives me an irrational boost of happiness. It's like being noticed by someone incredible, although they are just ordinary people.
Sensual attraction means that I still long to touch people in some ways, like hugs or cuddles or even some chaste kisses (not much different from how I smooch my cats, which I know sounds weird, but basically it's just a way of showing affection). This is the part that I've never really had in my life much since I was a kid. As a teen I had a crush on a friend (in hindsight, likely a combo of aesthetic and sensual attraction) who allowed me to stroke her hand, hold her hand, sit close next to her and be physical in these innocent ways that made me so happy... But I haven't experienced that since because this kind of physical affection is typically considered romantic and of course, I haven't had any romantic relationships. I think this is the void in my life that only my cats are there to help me with. I just want to be held by someone I like.
So this all leads to the question of romance. I think the fact that in the past I've become incredibly uncomfortable, or just been utterly confused when anyone's tried to make romantic advances in my direction already shows that I might not be built like most people. And yet there's a voice nagging in the back of my head saying "maybe it just wasn't the right person". I think there's a lot about traditional romance that doesn't interest me, in any case. I'm not interested in "owning" anyone or being "owned". I don't necessarily see myself ever living with another person or otherwise making drastic life changes because of romance. I never want to be swept away by the kind of madness that makes people give up pets, friends, jobs, homes, or whatever, in pursuit of romance.
And yet I know there is some madness in me from the crushes I've had - I guess I'll still call them crushes even if they're not the same thing. When I have a crush, I miss them all the time. I would ideally like to know what they're doing at different times, not to spy on them, but because there's a sense of security in knowing they're out there, even if they're not with me. This is a nice way of saying there's elements of obsession in my interest. For some reason, this type of obsession is considered perfectly normal when you have a romantic interest in someone. But that's the HOLD IT! point. Is it then romantic attraction that I'm experiencing? Does the madness make it "romantic"? Or could it still "just" be aesthetic and sensual attraction, with some additional irrationality? This is where I stumble.
I know for sure that even if I had a romantic interest in someone, it wouldn't be the same as for other people. I think I would be happy with knowing that the relationship was "special" to both people involved. Some additional attention and time spent together, interest in each other's lives, but nothing suffocating. (My limit for "suffocating" is very easy to reach.)
Now when I have a crush I mostly try very hard not to overwhelm the other person... So I may actually end up talking less or not saying compliments that I would to another friend because the meanings of words like "cute" are so much different if it's someone you're actually drawn to. I can easily tell a friend that their laughter is the best. To a crush? No, never. It's probably not healthy to bottle things up, but every time I've pulled someone into my bs I've regretted it. If I didn't really even want anything to come out of it (or at least anything that people usually associate with romance), why did I have to tell them how I feel?
There are ways in which being ace/aro is a relief - a lot of societal nonsense becomes irrelevant and you're able to perceive certain things, like moral decisions, in a less clouded way because there's no sexual or romantic desire driving you. But holy shit can it be complex to simply figure out what you really want or how to manage attraction when it functions so differently from the majority. Do I want this because society tells me that's normal, or do I want this for myself?
One of my favourite things to think recently is "there is no rule that says I should/shouldn't ..." It's a cool mental relief when I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do at that time or ever. It's something I want to keep remembering as I try to make sense of my brain.