chat log - Swan to Condor
Session Start (justjuns:Joji):
justjuns: Joe?
justjuns: I'm helping Derek out for a bit.
Joji: ::no response::
justjuns: Shouldn't be too long.
justjuns: I'll check in come morning. Thank you.
Joji: ...Jun, what do you want from me? I don't know what you want. I can never do the right thing where you're concerned.
justjuns: That's not fair to you to think that way.
justjuns: And never isn't a good word.
justjuns: You do a lot of things right.
justjuns: *thinks about that*
justjuns: yeah.
Joji: I don't know.
Joji: and I'm tired of not knowing.
justjuns: *takes a deep breath*
justjuns: I hear it in your voice.
justjuns: How can I help you not be tired?
justjuns: *She's so tired herself but she's going to ask because maybe, if she asks there'll be an answer*
Joji: Tell me what it is that makes me make you crazy and mad at me all the time and look at me like I'm kiling you when I haven't laid a hand on you.
justjuns: Like the last time I yelled at you?
Joji: Every time.
justjuns: Every time I yell at you?
Joji: And look at me.
justjuns: Every time I look at you??
Joji: You don't want me to love you. You want me to want you? Is that it?
justjuns: No.
justjuns: That's not it.
justjuns: What I used to want from you is that you'd love me and want me.
justjuns: *words come slowly*
Joji: ::sigh::
justjuns: I...thought...that...once upon a time...you loved and wanted me.
justjuns: I thought for sure...that for some of this January and February *sighs* and maybe March, you did.
justjuns: And then I found out...that for um...much of that when I thought ...you did...you didn't.
justjuns: *picks up speed*
justjuns: That was disappointing.
justjuns: Um...but that wouldn't be so bad...or at least, that's not why I've been angry when I'm angry?
justjuns: I...th-ink, that you've got it in your head....that....I'm...turning into a monster -- as you put it.
Joji: You used to be merciful.
justjuns: That, um, I've changed...and that...I've changed because I want you and I thought that was the way to get you. *is nodding*
Joji: Now you're not.
justjuns: That's...yeah.
justjuns: *considers this*
justjuns: *is seriously considering telling him to fuck himself -- but she loves him and, he's entitled to his thoughts*
justjuns: That's your opinion.
Joji: Fine. You're still merciful and Joe's said the wrong fucking thing again.
justjuns: You've got your reasons for that to make sense to you.
justjuns: I-I, look, it's your opinion. It's your truth.
Joji: But it's wrong.
Joji: Or your voice wouldn't be cold. You wouldn't be stammering.
justjuns: If that's what it takes for you to make sense of us.
justjuns: Cold?
justjuns: *sighs*
justjuns: Look, you're really upset. You're *really* hurting...I can't afford to be hot right now.
Joji: Fine. G2 out. *click*
justjuns: *huffs*
justjuns: *opens channel*
justjuns: Joe?
justjuns: That's really unfair.
Joji: All I'm doing is pissing you off.
justjuns: This cutting communication.
Joji: You can't afford to be pissed off.
Joji: What the hell, Jun?
justjuns: No, actually, not really.
justjuns: I'm not mad.
justjuns: *her voice is very soft*
justjuns: *little huff*
justjuns: And I'm not a fan of pain.
Joji: despite what you believe, neither am I.
justjuns: But you're not alone.
justjuns: Okay, that's fair.
justjuns: I can't, I can't really address the mercy issue.
justjuns: Because...
justjuns: You judge me.
justjuns: I've accepted it.
justjuns: You used to think I was better than you when it came to killing and now you don't.
Joji: No. I still do. I just don't understand why you changed.
Joji: Why you no longer belive in mercy.
Joji: In life being a chance to do right.
justjuns: ...
justjuns: I think I still do.
justjuns: I don't recall actually discussing this with you.
justjuns: The quality of mercy.
Joji: ::sullen silence::
justjuns: *So has somewhere to be. So is giving this the time it needs*
justjuns: Have we?
Joji: What's to discuss?
Joji: You were merciful once, you're not now.
justjuns: There's always something to discuss.
Joji: I just have to accept it because no, youre not really becoming like me.
Joji: Go do whatever you have to do.
justjuns: Hey, listen.
justjuns: Long term? I don't necessarily always want to hear what I think I want to hear.
justjuns: Joe...
justjuns: This is the first time we're talking about mercy.
justjuns: I think... it used to make me angry, that you'd think whatever you had to tell me to explain something really simple that it hurt you to state plainly because you do love me...and you don't want to hurt me.
justjuns: You don't want me anymore.
justjuns: That can't be undone.
justjuns: Or it can be.
Joji: I don't know.
Joji: I don't know, all right?!
justjuns: Well, that's okay.
justjuns: I'm not...mad.
Joji: No?
justjuns: But...it's not exactly fun to be told different reasons for why you're not good enough for someone you hold in very high esteem...while also being told that you're too good for someone you ....*she wants to say adore* hold in very high esteem.
Joji: ::his voice lost all its energy::
Joji: Yeah, well it's not any fun to be told you're better than you are. I know what I am. And you look past it, like it doesn't matter.
justjuns: You believe in you your way.
justjuns: I think...you're harder on yourself than I would have been in the past.
justjuns: But a man does have final say on he who is.
justjuns: As for merciful, Joe?
justjuns: *sigh*
justjuns: It's a job.
justjuns: And I don't like killing.
justjuns: And I don't enjoy it.
justjuns: And I don't think it's my privilege.
justjuns: And I make it quick.
Joji: Neither do I.
justjuns: And I'll always make it quick.
justjuns: And I don't ask other people to do what I'm not willing to do myself, whether it's for me or for the world.
justjuns: *a little teary*
justjuns: And I think...
Joji: I did it so you wouldn't have to.
justjuns: Well...I had to anyway.
justjuns: Okay?
Joji: No. You didn't.
justjuns: Your kill ratio was so high.
justjuns: No, Joe, I kill and I've killed.
Joji: Every life was one more bastard who couldn't help Galactor tomorrow.
justjuns: Well, there you go.
justjuns: For me, that was an enemy soldier.
justjuns: A galactor enemy.
Joji: ...one...one more life ...that would never go home to his wife and kids or brothers or...
justjuns: Yep.
justjuns: Still is.
justjuns: But that's one of the many sordid reasons that war is hell.
justjuns: But if you want to think...that being good at my job...and paying the costs of being good, is not having mercy?
justjuns: I don't care what you think
Joji: Fine.
justjuns: Because I don't need anybody to feel sorry for me or absolve me or praise me for doing what is ....
justjuns: *sniffs*
Joji: I wasn't praising you.
Joji: I respected you.
Joji: Admired you.
Joji: For having the strength to remember they were people.
justjuns: Who the hell told you I don't anymore?
justjuns: Who told you that?
Joji: Maybe you still think they're people.
Joji: But you kill easier now.
justjuns: That's right Joe.
justjuns: I kill easier.
justjuns: But still doesn't mean anything, right?
justjuns: Because I don't sleep, and I don't rest until my body *makes* me, It's easier?
Joji: ...what?
justjuns: I haven't killed anybody in how long?
justjuns: It's been so quiet, but, Jun kills easier. Easier compared to who?
justjuns: There's a multiverse...even before we knew the Armada was coming, Joker became a god and took out the universe and there's more than one of him out there.
justjuns: And you ...
justjuns: I'm soldier. I'm a ninja.
Joji: ::very very softly:: And I what?
justjuns: You think I kill easier.
justjuns: I really shouldn't take this personally.
Joji: Fine, wrong again. Got it.
Joji: Now you know why I've been avoiding you.
justjuns: Because I feel responsible for not killing the Joker when I had the chance, I lack mercy?
Joji: No matter what I say, it's wrong.
justjuns: See, this may come out of a fashion magazine...but maybe it's that...I made it really plain that I adore you.
justjuns: But I didn't know...that you ...looked in the mirror and saw something horrible.
justjuns: So, psychologically speaking, it makes snese, that because I adored you, I'd lower in your estimation.
justjuns: It's okay.
Joji: And I didn't know you adored me until ...fuck it.
Joji: I've said it again.
Joji: and all it does is hurt you and piss you off.
Joji: because I believed the worst of you.
Joji: for five minutes.
Joji: when I was in pain and scared and relieved and weak.
justjuns: I'm not pissed it off right now.
justjuns: I'm not going to kick you out of my life.
justjuns: And I won't always take your negative opinions to heart.
Joji: My opinion of you isn't negative.
Joji: You hate that I think you're the heart.
Joji: You want me to think of you differently, but I can't make myself anymore.
justjuns: Hey, I don't hate that you think I'm the heart.
justjuns: I think that's...really sweet actually.
justjuns: That you think I used to be merciful?
justjuns: And now I'm not?
Joji: ::groaning sigh:: We're going in circles.
justjuns: Later on I'll be happy that you don't think I'm becoming a monster.
justjuns: No. Um...you told me that you think I'm the heart of the team.
justjuns: That's really pretty.
Joji: You are.
Joji: You always have been.
justjuns: .....
justjuns: .....
justjuns: *is getting her crying under control*
justjuns: Well...okay.
Joji: Why is that wrong? I ...damn it.
Joji: I didn't ...you're crying and....::voice breaks:;
justjuns: ...It's not wrong.
justjuns: It's a beautifull thought.
justjuns: *sniffles*
Joji: ::his own voice is still broken:: yeah?
justjuns: Yes.
Joji: All right.
justjuns: Eventually.
justjuns: *she has no doubts, even if her voice is soft*
Joji: ...what?
justjuns: Eventually, it'll be all right.
justjuns: Better than year one of Katse's war.
justjuns: Better than the day you came back.
justjuns: Better than when we woke up and Jinpei was blowing spitballs in our hair.
justjuns: Definitely, better than right now.
Joji: You always say that. You're always right.
justjuns: Yep.
justjuns: And it's not just because I'm the one saying it.
justjuns: You do know that, right?
Joji: Right...I guess.
justjuns: *chuckles*
justjuns: Are you agreeing with me because you don't want me to be angry and upset?
Joji: No.
Joji: I'm agreeing because I'm not sure, and it sounds like ...something to strive for.
justjuns: Doesn't it though?
Joji: This having a life is hard, Jun.
justjuns: Yep.
Joji: Does everybody fuck it up like this?
justjuns: ...No.
justjuns: Some people do real well with some things.
Joji: ::humorless laughter::
justjuns: *winces*
justjuns: I have to get going...
Joji: Go.
Joji: Fly safe, Swan.
Joji: Angelina
justjuns: But...if you're up to it...you might want to ask yourself what behaviors of mine in terms of killing people you've actually seen.
justjuns: Of course.
justjuns: Swan out.