Paper and pen journal
The following was written in Jun's personal journal. You can read it, but your character can't. Not even Jinpei should be able to figure out where Jun secrets it.
I love like love Ken Washio.
I do.
He is a good and loyal friend. But some days? Some days I want to kill him. He doesn't listen. If I talk too much about something he doesn't want to hear, he walks away. He might be pushing me out the door ahead of him, or dragging me along behind him, but if I'm feeling bad about something, unless it's something permanent and major, like Joe, Dr. Nambu, or an ally being dead. He doesn't want to hear it.
He is rude and crude that way. Or wiser than I feel like being.
But the reason I put up with it is being I know I can count on him to watch out for me. Up to a point.
Joe is angry with Dinah.
Dinah is...rude. And she's a bit too free with other people's business and feelings. That she'd go to Joe and tell him that she wants to take a man into her bed?
Idiot. She's playing 'deep games' with him, trying to make him jealous. She and Joe met and there was an instant attraction and she's impulsive and fiery. I wouldn't put it past her to throw Joe's dead loves in his face. Just to weep at him about a fling she didn't have because that playmate found some other pretty that he wants to bed? She's got some nerve.
But then again? Joe isn't the only person that suffers. Joe's pain isn't the measure of ultimate pain. Because someone hasn't suffered like he's suffered -- and oh, he has suffered -- that doesn't make somebody else's pain nothing.
Loving him and not having him is hard.
So hard.
Dinah is an ally. I will endeavour to be polite because even if she does know better she doesn't care. She really doesn't. I was thoughtless and was rude to her -- she took deep offense. And she neglected to bring that to my attention. When I became aware of the trouble and moved to make amends...she...And when I gave her a suitable and elegant gift after her attack? She was not particularly appreciative. As if I'm nothing. But, she has tried to encourage me to take pride in myself -- as if I don't -- and I appreciate that gesture.
But I don't like that he's about to cut her off. She deserves something harsh because of wanting to bed one man and complain to Joe about it. Horrible girl to be cruel that way. But again...Ken has offered to ease me in ways that in the past I've very much liked. And, I have resisted because, well, Ken is the most beautiful man in my world but I'd feel dirty. And while feeling dirty is part of the fun -- as he somewhat delicately puts it -- it wouldn't be fun dirty. Anyway, I know I'd be calling Joe's name. And I don't know what would be nastier. Ken laughing at me or Ken not caring. He's rather single-minded in his pursuits. But for me, I cannot pillow with anyone without wishing they were Joe. And I'm not going to tell Joe about my desire for others -- even if to forget...because I want him eager to touch me, be with me, be in me. Not mark me so I don't even think about any other men, or frightened because he'll lose me. Or angry because my body welcomes someone else's.
I don't like what kind of woman she is, but, for the most part, in terms of Joe's life, she's been a good friend to him. Maybe once, we could have become friends but no longer. I won't forget her deliberate threat (and anyway, she's no killer). I won't forgive the trouble she's caused me.
Dinah is not...I don't like her. And I'm sure that if she hadn't insulted me by dictating terms of peace when I was being humble I wouldn't despise her. I also despise that she directly contributed to one of the worst fights I've ever had with Joe. Because of her crying to him that I'd threatened her -- perversity!! He believed her. Twice. When he had the choice between giving me the benefit of the doubt and believing the worst of me, he entertained the worst. And it's her fault. No, it's not all her fault. It's in him not to believe in me and she...she has enough influence on him that for a while he did.
She's no enemy. We love the same man. At least, I thought we loved the same man. But, if Joe can misjudge me so badly -- and he has and does and, I've faced it, will continue to do so -- and he's known me for years, maybe he's misjudging her too.
I'll be so mad if they end up together.
Gods and all their discarded lovers, I'd be furious.
I am the better woman. But that's not the point. What is, is.
She's not being smart about this. She responded to the thread about the kitchen stadium dinner. She's acting like his pain is nothing. She looks very bad. But, she's rather stupid herself and she's just making it worse for him. Her too if she loves him. If she doesn't love him? Ah...she deserves what he's going to say to her and how. But if she doesn't love him, it'll be her pride -- does she have pride? Of course she does. She's a human being -- it'll be her pride and not her heart that suffers.
But he's hurt me that way too -- thinking I'd kill someone he loves. Fool. As if once I realized I loved him -- once I saw how much he yearned and how crazy-stupid he can get by suspecting someone as close as familia as betraying him -- I'd risk losing him the same way.
And here comes Ken in swim trunks.
He is the most beautiful man in the world. A talented and demanding lover.
And I still want Joe.
Ken asked me, two days in, if I was any more in love with him than when we broke up. I said no. He was cruel -- even he saw it, but he then asked me, "Then what makes you think that two days later he'd love Dinah any less?"
That's another thing...Joe's given many excuses for why he's not with me. For him to throw over Dinah...so coldly? With reason...but is she really so, so, so, putana sucia to mock him for his history? Joe's aims are true. But his fears make him crazy.
Too crazy.
I love like love Ken Washio.
I do.
He is a good and loyal friend. But some days? Some days I want to kill him. He doesn't listen. If I talk too much about something he doesn't want to hear, he walks away. He might be pushing me out the door ahead of him, or dragging me along behind him, but if I'm feeling bad about something, unless it's something permanent and major, like Joe, Dr. Nambu, or an ally being dead. He doesn't want to hear it.
He is rude and crude that way. Or wiser than I feel like being.
But the reason I put up with it is being I know I can count on him to watch out for me. Up to a point.
Joe is angry with Dinah.
Dinah is...rude. And she's a bit too free with other people's business and feelings. That she'd go to Joe and tell him that she wants to take a man into her bed?
Idiot. She's playing 'deep games' with him, trying to make him jealous. She and Joe met and there was an instant attraction and she's impulsive and fiery. I wouldn't put it past her to throw Joe's dead loves in his face. Just to weep at him about a fling she didn't have because that playmate found some other pretty that he wants to bed? She's got some nerve.
But then again? Joe isn't the only person that suffers. Joe's pain isn't the measure of ultimate pain. Because someone hasn't suffered like he's suffered -- and oh, he has suffered -- that doesn't make somebody else's pain nothing.
Loving him and not having him is hard.
So hard.
Dinah is an ally. I will endeavour to be polite because even if she does know better she doesn't care. She really doesn't. I was thoughtless and was rude to her -- she took deep offense. And she neglected to bring that to my attention. When I became aware of the trouble and moved to make amends...she...And when I gave her a suitable and elegant gift after her attack? She was not particularly appreciative. As if I'm nothing. But, she has tried to encourage me to take pride in myself -- as if I don't -- and I appreciate that gesture.
But I don't like that he's about to cut her off. She deserves something harsh because of wanting to bed one man and complain to Joe about it. Horrible girl to be cruel that way. But again...Ken has offered to ease me in ways that in the past I've very much liked. And, I have resisted because, well, Ken is the most beautiful man in my world but I'd feel dirty. And while feeling dirty is part of the fun -- as he somewhat delicately puts it -- it wouldn't be fun dirty. Anyway, I know I'd be calling Joe's name. And I don't know what would be nastier. Ken laughing at me or Ken not caring. He's rather single-minded in his pursuits. But for me, I cannot pillow with anyone without wishing they were Joe. And I'm not going to tell Joe about my desire for others -- even if to forget...because I want him eager to touch me, be with me, be in me. Not mark me so I don't even think about any other men, or frightened because he'll lose me. Or angry because my body welcomes someone else's.
I don't like what kind of woman she is, but, for the most part, in terms of Joe's life, she's been a good friend to him. Maybe once, we could have become friends but no longer. I won't forget her deliberate threat (and anyway, she's no killer). I won't forgive the trouble she's caused me.
Dinah is not...I don't like her. And I'm sure that if she hadn't insulted me by dictating terms of peace when I was being humble I wouldn't despise her. I also despise that she directly contributed to one of the worst fights I've ever had with Joe. Because of her crying to him that I'd threatened her -- perversity!! He believed her. Twice. When he had the choice between giving me the benefit of the doubt and believing the worst of me, he entertained the worst. And it's her fault. No, it's not all her fault. It's in him not to believe in me and she...she has enough influence on him that for a while he did.
She's no enemy. We love the same man. At least, I thought we loved the same man. But, if Joe can misjudge me so badly -- and he has and does and, I've faced it, will continue to do so -- and he's known me for years, maybe he's misjudging her too.
I'll be so mad if they end up together.
Gods and all their discarded lovers, I'd be furious.
I am the better woman. But that's not the point. What is, is.
She's not being smart about this. She responded to the thread about the kitchen stadium dinner. She's acting like his pain is nothing. She looks very bad. But, she's rather stupid herself and she's just making it worse for him. Her too if she loves him. If she doesn't love him? Ah...she deserves what he's going to say to her and how. But if she doesn't love him, it'll be her pride -- does she have pride? Of course she does. She's a human being -- it'll be her pride and not her heart that suffers.
But he's hurt me that way too -- thinking I'd kill someone he loves. Fool. As if once I realized I loved him -- once I saw how much he yearned and how crazy-stupid he can get by suspecting someone as close as familia as betraying him -- I'd risk losing him the same way.
And here comes Ken in swim trunks.
He is the most beautiful man in the world. A talented and demanding lover.
And I still want Joe.
Ken asked me, two days in, if I was any more in love with him than when we broke up. I said no. He was cruel -- even he saw it, but he then asked me, "Then what makes you think that two days later he'd love Dinah any less?"
That's another thing...Joe's given many excuses for why he's not with me. For him to throw over Dinah...so coldly? With reason...but is she really so, so, so, putana sucia to mock him for his history? Joe's aims are true. But his fears make him crazy.
Too crazy.