book quote
When I fall in love, I am selfless to a fault.
When I fall out of love, I am selfish beyond reason.
Try as I may, I cannot find my middle ground. Perhaps this is why I have more trouble being friends with someone I have dated, post-breakup. I thought I was special; one of those people who could charm her enemies to dispel the negativity. If recent events have taught me anything, it's that I still have the blinders on. I think I'm over something, but I'm really not. I think I'm right, but I'm far off track. I thought I could be friends with Seth afterwards, & when that didn't happen, I could only think "well we -could-, but that's his choice not to.". No. For being such an empath, I'm lacking in skills when it comes to putting myself in someone else's shoes about how THEY feel. In reality.. nobody can. I can't feel for someone when they're knocked down. I couldn't be JJ on the other end of the phone when I broke up with her. I couldn't be Seth when our break didn't solve our problems. I can't be those people right now, not while they're finding happiness in places I do not exist in. Moving on is called that for a reason.
If I really want to move on, I need to stop living in the past so goddamned much. That's what I'm really, really struggling with. I can forgive, but I can't forget.
I am unstable in ways that aren't apparent unless someone gets close enough to know me well. I can give, give, & give myself away until I wear myself thin. Below is an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love that describes me so perfectly, I was moved to tears when the realisation hit me.
"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."
When I fall out of love, I am selfish beyond reason.
Try as I may, I cannot find my middle ground. Perhaps this is why I have more trouble being friends with someone I have dated, post-breakup. I thought I was special; one of those people who could charm her enemies to dispel the negativity. If recent events have taught me anything, it's that I still have the blinders on. I think I'm over something, but I'm really not. I think I'm right, but I'm far off track. I thought I could be friends with Seth afterwards, & when that didn't happen, I could only think "well we -could-, but that's his choice not to.". No. For being such an empath, I'm lacking in skills when it comes to putting myself in someone else's shoes about how THEY feel. In reality.. nobody can. I can't feel for someone when they're knocked down. I couldn't be JJ on the other end of the phone when I broke up with her. I couldn't be Seth when our break didn't solve our problems. I can't be those people right now, not while they're finding happiness in places I do not exist in. Moving on is called that for a reason.
If I really want to move on, I need to stop living in the past so goddamned much. That's what I'm really, really struggling with. I can forgive, but I can't forget.
I am unstable in ways that aren't apparent unless someone gets close enough to know me well. I can give, give, & give myself away until I wear myself thin. Below is an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love that describes me so perfectly, I was moved to tears when the realisation hit me.
"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self."