Why is it so hard being a grown up?

[shirafuzzy]

Things aren't going that well right now. There's no money, there's no work, and we might have to move into my mom's after all. If things keep up like this, with only one or two shifts a week, then we're going to have to move and I don't want to do that. This is my home. This is my bubble, my safe place, the place I want to be when the rest of the world comes crashing down. And we might have to leave it. Growing up, nothing was ever stable. Nothing was ever calm and peaceful, and now that this place is, now that I have a place that I won't be yelled at for something stupid, or screamed at, or ordered to do things, it might be taken away. Marie's dad's been the one helping us pay for this apartment now, since I only make about $200 a month. And everything was going so good, too, at Best Buy -- I had hours there, good hours, we had money, we were getting ready to pay bills. And now I'm lucky to get 10 hours a week there, and I've only gotten 6 this week. And if there's no work before the holidays, what's going to happen once they're over? Later today, we're possibly going up to see my gram and my great aunt. I'm going to have to lie to them, tell them that everything's okay even though they're not so they don't worry about us. They worry enough, they send us money every month to try and help but they are on a very limited budget and I don't want them to worry about us. And it's hard enough to ask for help from Marie, let alone grandparents. And, in two months, we might have to go and live between my gram's house and my mom's house 100 miles from there as a way to have somewhere to stay. For someone who can barely cry when she needs to, and only cries out of necessity, I've been crying a lot these last few days. I don't want to leave. I don't want to have to worry about money any more. I want to be happy and annoy Marie by singing Christmas carols to her and joke around and bake up a storm. I want to walk the mall and poke fun at the crowds. I want to go to Wrigley Field and go ice skating and have fun. But, because of work, I'm depressed and crying a lot. I'm crying now. What a shit way to end 2009. I hope 2010 is better. I really hope it is.