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[__visiongal]

It was light when I awoke the next morning. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, hadn't even meant to stay the night, not really, but... Wes had needed me, had asked me to stay, offered me a shoulder to cry on - a place I could cry, without ever feeling guilty about doing it

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[__visiongal]

I didn't mean to sound flippant when he started talking about his Dad - didn't mean to make little, I guess, on what he was saying. To say that Wes needs to start talking about his father? An understatement.

Whether he needs to talk about it with me or thrash it out with a therapist? Who knows, although God knows I'd be cheaper. I don't say it but I squeeze his hand, let him know without a doubt that I'm there, if he needs me.

And then, he asks it. "I'm not alone." Said with so much uncertainty that it makes a lump rise up in my throat.

"Of course you're not alone, Wes, look at me." He looks up, finally, and I squeeze his hand again, "We're family, remember? And if you need reminding of that then... Then I guess I'd better just stick around to kick your butt 'til you remember."

Suddenly, I'm wishing the vision had come sooner. I could have stopped all this maybe, if it had. Could have seen that Wesley needed help, someone to turn to - could have seen what would happen to Connor, what it would do to us all, "I don't know how much this hurts for you, Wes. I can imagine, but I'd probably never come close. All I can say is that yeah, you're not alone. You're pretty much stuck with me..."

[wesley_w_pryce_]

I can't believe she's worried about me. So much happening to her, all of our demands on her and she's still trying to fix me.

I want to tell her everything, tell her about my family, my fears, my memories of holding that warm, slightly damp bundle that was Connor in my arms. I want to just open up and let her see everything inside of me.

"I may need frequent kicking to remind me, I don't seem to be that good at this sort of thing. I think it's that British thing. We only show emotions over dogs and horses and the queen."

I squeeze her hand back and place it over my heart.

"I am glad to have you still part of my family Cordelia. If you hated me I don't think I'd be doing very well."

[__visiongal]

"That stiff upper lip working overtime, huh?" I smile, thinking that maybe, just maybe this is going to be okay. "So, you get emotional over Queens, horses and dogs-- Check. Since you opened up that much? I'll offer up uh... Shoes, Barney sales and my current penchance for any movie starring Adam Sandler - those are my basket cases." I grin, pleased to see his lips quirk up in a smile.

He places my hand over his heart and I look at him for a long moment, unsure what to say. Our breakfast has gone forgotten. "I can do a lot of things, Wes, but turning my back on the people I love? Not one of them."

I can't look at him any more. That statement has left something between us - this whole conversation has and I'm not sure what to do with that. "I... Uh, maybe I should clean up..." I offer, lamely.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

Realizing I may have overstepped bounds I let her hand go. I have definitely lost my appetite again. My mind flashes back to the two times we kissed. The first time so awkward and with zero chemistry for all our trying. The second time she was trying to give me the visions that Doyle had given her. I never forgot that kiss.

"Don't worry about the mess. It's not like the rest of the place is that much tidier."

The visions, Skip, Cordelia... it hits with a blinding flash.

"Skip had something to do with all of this? With starting it? But the visions were killing you, he took advantage of that to start all this?" I feel a stab of alarm in my chest and I put my hands on her shoulders. "If this all started then... oh God Cordelia." For all my supposed watcher knowlege I don't know how to get out of this if it means we have to seperate the demon from Cordelia.

[__visiongal]

With an 'Oh God Cordelia' I can feel the morning spiralling out of control. He wasn't supposed to realise that. He wasn't supposed to put two and two together and come up with four!

He was supposed to sit there and let me be there for him and-- Damnit. Damnit, damnit, damnit!

I shrug his hands off my shoulders and stand up, avoiding his gaze. "Wes, it's not... Look, just leave it, okay? I know." I say, collecting the plates.

Of course I know. How couldn't I? If the Powers want me to change this then I have to face up to-- Well, what'll happen if we do, if we take back what Skip did.

"I knew back then. Maybe this whole demoness was just an-- Extended life warranty or something." Wow, I sound calm about that.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

No! For a horrible blinding moment all I can see is what a future without Cordelia would be like. I can't bear it.

"There has to be something we can do, I won't accept losing you."

She ignores me, trying to clean up our breakfast dishes, trying to make me stop talking about it.

"Cordelia, please stop for a moment." I have to finally cut her off and take the things out of her hands.

I don't know if it's the threat of her dying, the terrible things of the last few days or some combination of it all but I can't not let what I feel stay guarded away.

"I will not accept that, I won't let you die Cordelia, I will not lose you..." My voice is the strongest it has been in days. I can't help it, brushing her hair away from her face I kiss her.

[__visiongal]

Now see, this was the reason I didn't tell them last time. It would have been just like this, them looking at me like that, pleading with me to let them make it right, take the visions away...

"There has to be something we can do..."

I don't look at him when he says that. What can I say? That there's nothing, short of taking my visions, that they can do for me? Sure, that'll go down a treat.

He stops me from cleaning up, taking the things out of my hands and putting them back on the table. When I look down, I realise my hands are shaking.

"Wesley--" I'm about to tell him it's okay, that I know and that I'm okay with it, but he says those words with such conviction, I can't help but look up. Maybe it's what happened these last few days, maybe it's just that little tidbit of information he just figured out or maybe it's just all of it. Suddenly? Wesley's kissing me.

It's not like the first kiss. Not fumbled and saliva, way too much saliva. It's not our second kiss - me, kissing him to get rid of the visions. We've come a long way since then, together, we've been through so much... And without knowing how or why or even thinking, I'm ashamed to say, about things I should be thinking about?

I'm kissing him back.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be kissing her. But this time there's no awkward inability to mesh, no trying to give me visions. There is just warmth and softness and the wanting it to never stop.

There's so many things that I should be doing, thinking of Groo, of Angel of Fred and Wes and Connor and Holtz and what were we going to do to make things right.

Instead I am kissing her, smelling the scent of her shampoo and feeling how soft the back of her neck is with my hands. Until it finally occurs to me that maybe I really should stop before I take this too far and I break off the kiss to look at her.

[__visiongal]

He pulled away.

I don't know if he wants this at all. I don't know why he kissed me or why I even let him I just know it felt right. It was a reason not to talk, not to thrash out every decision, every little thing that's going to happen in these next few weeks.

"Wesley..." I pause, searching his eyes, "You... You don't want this?" All of a sudden, I'm not so sure any more. Not sure of myself or him or this feeling I have that's fluttering around inside of me.

I don't wait for an answer. I can't. If he says no then God help me, I think something inside me will cave in so I just kiss him again, the stubble on his chin scratching my cheek, his lips soft against mine. I bring my hands up, cup his face, praying - more than anything right now - that he doesn't push me away.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

She asks me if I don't want this. Oh god how can she think I don't want this? But before I can open my mouth to defend my stopping she kisses me again.

It's so right, so perfect, something I never thought I would feel after this last week, not something I ever expected to find in Cordelia.

I put my arms around her waist and pull her close to me, almost dizzy with relief she didn't hit me for this.

"of course I wanted this." I have to murmer the words in between kisses, half the time speaking against her lips. "I want this more than anything."

[__visiongal]

Me and Wesley. Wesley and me. Once, a long time ago, I actually doodled that on a notebook of mine. It was AX, of course, (After Xander) so I could be forgiven of being a total simpering idiot back then, but-- Who'd have thought we'd end up like this?

He does want it, he tells me, more than anything - and I can't help but feel my heart do this flip. Maybe... Maybe this was supposed to happen. Not Connor, not us all hurting like this but... If everything happens for a reason then...

I close my eyes, push all thoughts away and walk us backwards until my legs hit the couch, pulling Wesley down with me. "I want this too." I murmur and, because I don't think he knows just how much, I wrap my arms around him, holding him as close as I can get as we kiss.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

She pulls us down on the couch and we sink into it till entwined with each other. Cordelia wraps herself around me and holds me as close as she can. I actually start to feel the numbness subside.

I find myself believing again that someone could like me, that maybe what I did and chose didn't make me a complete outsider.

I tangled my fingers in Cordelia's hair and as we kissed we breathed softly in and out of each others mouths. I was drowning in the taste of her lips and the scent of her skin.

All those horrible things that had happened to us in the last few days, this could have been a reaction to that, clinging to each other for comfort and a little time to forget. But somehow it wasn't, this was something that was meant to be, something that maybe would help me and Cordelia and every one else off that path we were on.

Lightly my hands traced her neck and shoulders and I held her close.

[__visiongal]

I keep telling myself to stop this now, while I can, that everything I have can go away in a second if this goes further but-- See, I've always had this problem.

The part of me that's ruled with my heart? Pretty much always outweighs my head. I can be sensible and logical and even half-way normal sometimes, I can be all those things, but when it feels like if I don't do something I'm gonna lose anyway? My heart steps in.

"Wes?" He pulls back to look at me, his hands running almost reverantly over my skin. This is right, he wanted this... I do too, but I'm not sure I should be asking why. Gently, I place my hand against his cheek. "Are we-- We're kissing." And okay, that sounds stupid, I think, rolling my eyes.

[wesley_w_pryce_]

Cordelia says my name and I pull back and look at her, my hands still exploring her arms and shoulders and the column of her neck.

"Are we--We're kissing." she says.

I smile. "Yes I think this qualifies as kissing." I am trying to figure out what it is she is trying to say or ask me.

"Do you want to stop kissing? We still can you know." I trace her lip with my thumb and hope she doesn't want me to stop. But then I think Of Groo and the way Angel looks at her and I know that's selfish of me.

[__visiongal]

Do I want to stop kissing? First, is he crazy? Four years ago, I wanted this guy so much it was hard to be around him without wanting to kiss him senseless.

Okay, so all that changed.

But now... Now what? Now it's different? Sure it is. Wes and I are friends, almost like brother and sister, I tell myself, only- Well, eww, not, because that'd be icky.

He's nothing like my brother. He's my friend, too, but-- "I don't want to stop." And yeah, that makes me the awful, evil kind of person who I hate. The person who has a boyfriend, a dear sweet and is currently--

Shut up. He's tracing my lip with his thumb and the only thing I can think to do is kiss that. Then him. Again. Like maybe if I stop, Skip's gonna declare me braindead and-- Bad thoughts, Cordy, bad thoughts.