Matchmaker Matchmaker (or Brides for Barter)

[shipshapeshipco]

There are three constants to be expected when walking on a brisk Corsican afternoon: a warm breeze at your tail, an impassioned support (or contentious rebuttal) of the radical new chestnut-tree tax, and an unprovoked invitation to wed a charming if not slightly bemused local girl

Comments

[heavyweaponsbot]

... You are... selling females?

[shipshapeshipco]

Mercy, no! Not selling. I'm merely transferring them to you in exchange for goods or services rendered!

[heavyweaponsbot]

... That sounds like the same thing.

[shipshapeshipco]

No no, a common misconception. My version had quite a few more syllables, you see.

May I suggest the Mimmi to you, sir? You seem a man of distinguished taste- by which I mean "a man who enjoys young foreign girls." Now that sounds the same!

[heavyweaponsbot]

[What is the sound of one old alien robot having a mild heart attack? Something like the noise he just made.]

Wh--No! No! I do not--I do not want any of your females!

[shipshapeshipco]

No? None of them? Are you certain?

Well, some men are just more comfortable in the platonic company of other men. I can understand that dearly, and sympathize! If you'd allow me to represent you in your search for companionship, I'm sure you'll find what you need!

[And the pimp brings on another girl to his paddock!]

[heavyweaponsbot]

I want no human female!

I--what? I do not need--whatever it is you are doing, stop it! Fine as I am!

[Just... what happened here?]

[shipshapeshipco]

[Samuel got under his skin, that's what!]

Now now, my little lamb. Be silent. Let Samuel do what's best for you.

[He's a good man, isn't he?]

[heavyweaponsbot]

Wha--No! No humans! No females!

Look. I am not human. I do not want a human. Or any other organic. Do I make myself clear?

[He has not had nearly enough alcohol for this.]

[shipshapeshipco]

Of course! And I happen to have one celestial being to spare! She may need a bit of talking down, though.

One winged woman coming up! Or down, as it were.

[heavyweaponsbot]

... What? What winged female?

You are not listening.

[shipshapeshipco]

I'm sorry, what was that you said? I was preoccupied.

Ah, by the by: would you describe yourself better as 'rugged' or 'urbane'?

[heavyweaponsbot]

[Noise of frustration goes here.]

I do not describe myself as either! I am not human! I am Cybertronian! Mechanical!

[shipshapeshipco]

I'll put down "driven" and "hard-working." It makes you sound less cold and cursory.

[heavyweaponsbot]

What... do I have to say... to make you understand... Must I say I am... unavailable? Will that make you be quiet?

[shipshapeshipco]

It couldn't hurt. But that's hardly a guarantee, is it?