Illness/Coming to terms
I spoke to my doctor yesterday.
The results of my cervical scrape came in.
The news was not good.
I had abnormal cells present the last time I had a pap smear. Due to not having health insurance, I could not afford to have a colposcopy done at the time.
This time, the cells are not merely abnormal. I now have atypical cells, indicative of the last stage before cervical cancer.
Now they not only have to take a tissue biopsy of the surface of my cervix, but they must take two deep tissue biopsies, one from each side, to determine whether or not there is malignancy present below the surface that is spreading.
The thought gives me chills.
I told two people about it yesterday, before I mentioned it to my kids and my husband. My sissy Amy and my fennid.
Then I told the kids when they got home.
Now, my two oldest just lost their grandmother last year to a cancer that attacks the sinuses, some form that is common in people of Asian descent. There is still no explanation as to why she got it, considering she was Caucasian, and had no Asian blood.
They have not yet gotten over that.
My son Shawn went so white, I could see the veins in his head. My daughter Stefanie fought valiantly to hold back her tears. The tears won.
Then I told my husband. His voice cracked when he said, "It's okay. We will make it through this. Then he got home, and he buried his face in my shoulder, nearly crying and admitting for the first time since all this began to being scared.
I'm scared too.
I had told my fennid that in a way, I had hoped they found something, so that when all was said and done, and I was standing in the midst of the rubble caused by the fight, that I could say I truly am a survivor. I have survived many times when death was knocking at my door, and I have had my lupus subside quietly and unobtrusively into the background, with nary a flicker of pain. I have always been a survivor.
But can I survive this?
I have already told my doctor that if a malignancy is found, the first thing that is being done is everything is coming out. It's not like I need my reproductive organs anyway. Then I will do the chemo and radiation route(by now, thanks to my stomach problems, I am used to throwing up, so that is not going to bother me so much.)
Losing my hair? Well frankly, my hair is so thick, it could use some thinning out. Besides, I hear headscarves are a great way to be trendy. I have never been trendy, so maybe I should give it a shot.
Losing weight? Already doing that, again, thanks to being so sick with my stomach problems. Losing 40 pounds in two months is a shocker, but hey, I still look healthy, so...(and yes, I am eating.)
But unfortunately, even when I try to assure my family, my friends. that I am going to survive this, I am still hearing a tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "And what if you don't?"
That is what gets to me.
That is what makes me cry.
Please, please, please, every woman who reads this, please, get some form of health insurance. Go and get your paps done, and for god's sake , if they find an abnormality, find some way of doing what they want you to in order to get rid of the abnormality.
Cervical cancer is sneaky. This whole time that this has been getting worse, I have felt perfectly fine. I have had no pain, no anything to indicate that there might be something there. If detected early enough, cervical abnormalities can be taken care of, before they get to the point of cancer. Before they get to the point of being afraid that the next word you are going to here is "malignancy." Before they get to the point at which you are thinking about your own mortality, and what is going to happen to those you will be leaving behind.
I also advise anyone who does not have a will, get one done. Make sure you know who your property and guardianship of your children will be going to.
Get a living will. In most states, once you are past the point of being able to speak on your own, doctors are powerless to abide by your own desires, even if that means that they can't pull the plug on the the machine you didn't want to be hooked up to in the first place.
Most important of all, take a moment each day and tell everyone that you love and care about how you feel. It can lift your spirits just hearing "I love you, too."
The results of my cervical scrape came in.
The news was not good.
I had abnormal cells present the last time I had a pap smear. Due to not having health insurance, I could not afford to have a colposcopy done at the time.
This time, the cells are not merely abnormal. I now have atypical cells, indicative of the last stage before cervical cancer.
Now they not only have to take a tissue biopsy of the surface of my cervix, but they must take two deep tissue biopsies, one from each side, to determine whether or not there is malignancy present below the surface that is spreading.
The thought gives me chills.
I told two people about it yesterday, before I mentioned it to my kids and my husband. My sissy Amy and my fennid.
Then I told the kids when they got home.
Now, my two oldest just lost their grandmother last year to a cancer that attacks the sinuses, some form that is common in people of Asian descent. There is still no explanation as to why she got it, considering she was Caucasian, and had no Asian blood.
They have not yet gotten over that.
My son Shawn went so white, I could see the veins in his head. My daughter Stefanie fought valiantly to hold back her tears. The tears won.
Then I told my husband. His voice cracked when he said, "It's okay. We will make it through this. Then he got home, and he buried his face in my shoulder, nearly crying and admitting for the first time since all this began to being scared.
I'm scared too.
I had told my fennid that in a way, I had hoped they found something, so that when all was said and done, and I was standing in the midst of the rubble caused by the fight, that I could say I truly am a survivor. I have survived many times when death was knocking at my door, and I have had my lupus subside quietly and unobtrusively into the background, with nary a flicker of pain. I have always been a survivor.
But can I survive this?
I have already told my doctor that if a malignancy is found, the first thing that is being done is everything is coming out. It's not like I need my reproductive organs anyway. Then I will do the chemo and radiation route(by now, thanks to my stomach problems, I am used to throwing up, so that is not going to bother me so much.)
Losing my hair? Well frankly, my hair is so thick, it could use some thinning out. Besides, I hear headscarves are a great way to be trendy. I have never been trendy, so maybe I should give it a shot.
Losing weight? Already doing that, again, thanks to being so sick with my stomach problems. Losing 40 pounds in two months is a shocker, but hey, I still look healthy, so...(and yes, I am eating.)
But unfortunately, even when I try to assure my family, my friends. that I am going to survive this, I am still hearing a tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "And what if you don't?"
That is what gets to me.
That is what makes me cry.
Please, please, please, every woman who reads this, please, get some form of health insurance. Go and get your paps done, and for god's sake , if they find an abnormality, find some way of doing what they want you to in order to get rid of the abnormality.
Cervical cancer is sneaky. This whole time that this has been getting worse, I have felt perfectly fine. I have had no pain, no anything to indicate that there might be something there. If detected early enough, cervical abnormalities can be taken care of, before they get to the point of cancer. Before they get to the point of being afraid that the next word you are going to here is "malignancy." Before they get to the point at which you are thinking about your own mortality, and what is going to happen to those you will be leaving behind.
I also advise anyone who does not have a will, get one done. Make sure you know who your property and guardianship of your children will be going to.
Get a living will. In most states, once you are past the point of being able to speak on your own, doctors are powerless to abide by your own desires, even if that means that they can't pull the plug on the the machine you didn't want to be hooked up to in the first place.
Most important of all, take a moment each day and tell everyone that you love and care about how you feel. It can lift your spirits just hearing "I love you, too."