The Edge
If I can't share my dreams, what were they for?
I thought our promise meant that we would never change and never part
I thought together we'd amaze the world
How can I live my dreams, or even start
When everything has come apart?
I thought home was all I'd ever want
My attic all I'd ever need
Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing
I have always said that song lyrics always say things better than I ever could, and the bonus involved is that you get to sing them.
Here's the deal. I've been running from this for too long and I am tired of running. After high school, when everyone left and I stayed behind... I changed. I became someone else. Not overnight, of course, but gradually and subtlely so that even I didn't really notice it. But it happened, slowly... and I'm just now realizing how extensive those changes were. Or maybe I just started becoming the person I thought I should be. Maybe I thought I was growing up, becoming more sophisticated... whatever. Maybe it's the fact that I've lost (not literally, in different sense of the word "lost") two of the most major influences in my life here recently. Maybe it's because I spend so much time on my own now, I have no outstanding influences anymore.
Whatever it is, I don't like it. Seriously, I don't like who I am right now. All I do is work and party.I haven't listened to ANYTHING Broadway in forever. I didn't know that some of the workers on Broadway were on strike. I honestly couldn't tell you the hot new show, and who the leads are, and who reviewed it well, like I used to.
What I'm saying is, I walked away from it. And other parts of me too. I have this HORRIBLE habit of changing who I am because I want to impress someone (usually a male someone...unfortunately because I am ridiculously insecure and am also thoroughly convinced that no one could ever appreciate me for who I am, plus I have such an ecclectic personality that it's easy to bring certain traits to the forefront, while simultaneously brushing other ones aside). So I just do stupid things I'm not proud of, like start smoking, and forget about that nagging voice whispering "hypocrite" in my ear.
I guess the thing is... I haven't been able to figure out why I've been so unhappy lately. My life is virtually the same as always, and even though that is definitely frustrating and I crave some dynamic changes (in the works, my friends) that doesn't explain why I've been unhappy.
I like to pin it on a lot of things that just aren't true. Boo hoo, I'm continuously single. Boo hoo, I'm not a size 2. Well, I have always been single, and thanks to genetics, I'll probably never be a size 2...
It has to be theatre. Onstage, I didn't care that I was single. Onstage, I NEVER ONCE felt fat. I feel more alive in one performance than I thought anyone ever could. Hell, I feel more alive hitting one clear, HUGE, beautifully belted note than I do in an 8 hour day at Speedway!
This all started when I was watching the Macy's parade Thanksgiving day. Sutton Foster (one of my all time faves) was on with the cast of Young Frankenstein, (of which I knew nothing about...sadly.) Anyway, I watched the number they did... and something ached, and pulled in me... something so fierce I thought I was going to burst.
Passion. I didn't recognize it then.. and I brushed it off as stupid girl emotion, and I hadn't really given it another thought... until today of course.
I am done pretending this isn't who I am. I am done brushing it aside, ignoring it and focusing on the "reality of life." Screw reality, I want the dream. And goddamn it all, I will kill myself trying to get it.
Amanda