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5. The Lie: Time Heals All Wounds
The Adoption Truth: The truth is there are losses you never get over. They break you to pieces and you can never go back to the original shape you once were, and so you will grieve to your own death with that of which you will never get back.
Adoption relinquishment is not a onetime loss. Yes, at first it is just a baby that is gone, but then you lose the first smile, the first tooth, the first step, the first day of school. Years go by and realize that you have often also lost the right to be called “grandma” or to see your child get married or even to be invited or told about their death.
Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so consuming. When your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no bounds.
Grief teaches us about who we are, and any attempt to crush it, to bury it with the body is an act of vengeance against your own nature as a mother.
Yesterday was a good day. I stayed in the now, took care of myself, and didn't compare my life to people better or worse off than me.
Today is not. I woke up tired, went back to sleep, and now all the petty things I'm feeling down about (weight, shoes that hurt, the hear, rude people) have teamed up with the grief and loss I feel whenever I see babies, children with loving parents, hear things about how Clara and William are doing, and I just feel so lost.
I have to take care of myself if I want to be part of their lives, or spend time with anyone else I care about. Experiencing grief, accepting it, and then doing the next right thing, is all I can do.
The Adoption Truth: The truth is there are losses you never get over. They break you to pieces and you can never go back to the original shape you once were, and so you will grieve to your own death with that of which you will never get back.
Adoption relinquishment is not a onetime loss. Yes, at first it is just a baby that is gone, but then you lose the first smile, the first tooth, the first step, the first day of school. Years go by and realize that you have often also lost the right to be called “grandma” or to see your child get married or even to be invited or told about their death.
Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so consuming. When your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no bounds.
Grief teaches us about who we are, and any attempt to crush it, to bury it with the body is an act of vengeance against your own nature as a mother.
Yesterday was a good day. I stayed in the now, took care of myself, and didn't compare my life to people better or worse off than me.
Today is not. I woke up tired, went back to sleep, and now all the petty things I'm feeling down about (weight, shoes that hurt, the hear, rude people) have teamed up with the grief and loss I feel whenever I see babies, children with loving parents, hear things about how Clara and William are doing, and I just feel so lost.
I have to take care of myself if I want to be part of their lives, or spend time with anyone else I care about. Experiencing grief, accepting it, and then doing the next right thing, is all I can do.