It's a mad world
So about last night... Well... thought about killing myself again. It was a miserable night. Not to go too much into it, but my dad was on my case again, and he wasn't listening to anything I was saying - even when I was answering his questions, he took my answers for talking in tangents - and went off on me. To make matters worse, when Ben came home, he argued with my mom about tax returns and claiming him as a dependent and whatnot. Ben was in the wrong, but that didn't stop him from calling 911 when my mom shoved him. So the cops came by and told him he has to leave as soon as he's able to. Smart move, Ben... smart move...
I've been dealing with a lot of shit lately. School's been stressing me out. I'm still figuring out what I'm doing for next fall - army if ISU doesn't pan through, I guess. Money's tighter than a thing that's... really... tight... yeah. Was gonna go with a 6-year old virgin, but stopped myself. That won't be the case over the summer, thank god. The lack of money, not the stopping myself. I had a falling out with Liz. She just causes so much frustration that it's not worth adding it to everything else. I'm gaining weight. Honestly. Like getting fat. I stopped working out because I don't have time anymore (crazy, never thought I'd say that). I'm not happy, and the worst part is I can't have what would make me happy. Not for awhile at least.
I also had a couple of weird dreams. The first involved Lyndsey. A big group of us were hanging out at this pizza place or something, and she was there. We were having a good time, actually. Nothing bad was said and you wouldn't have known we weren't friends in the dream. Then, as they left, I played the pinball machine, and as I came back, some old friends were having a party. People I haven't seen since like Lyle and junior high and also some high school pals. We had some drinks (I remember I had root beer), and then went to play some paintball. As soon as we got outside, it felt as though we were re-enacting WWII. Snow was on the ground, we were out in the woods, and I walked into a clearing after hearing someone fall. I grabbed them and helped carry them to safety as someone was shooting at me. They missed, but hit a tree next to me, and the paintball splattered on my arm, and I remember worrying whether they'd call me dead or not - and that if they had, I'd argue I didn't have a welt or bruise where the paint was. So as I'm walking with someone around my arm, it gets dark and I wake up. When I went back to sleep, I was walking Moe to her apt. at St. James. She was telling me how mad and upset she's been with me and everyone else, not saying anything close to an apology for when she last yelled at me. But then she turned around and gave me a hug, and with tears welled up told me she misses me. After that, I woke up again. End of dreams.
I miss being surrounded by loved ones who love me back.
This house is killing me.
I've been dealing with a lot of shit lately. School's been stressing me out. I'm still figuring out what I'm doing for next fall - army if ISU doesn't pan through, I guess. Money's tighter than a thing that's... really... tight... yeah. Was gonna go with a 6-year old virgin, but stopped myself. That won't be the case over the summer, thank god. The lack of money, not the stopping myself. I had a falling out with Liz. She just causes so much frustration that it's not worth adding it to everything else. I'm gaining weight. Honestly. Like getting fat. I stopped working out because I don't have time anymore (crazy, never thought I'd say that). I'm not happy, and the worst part is I can't have what would make me happy. Not for awhile at least.
I also had a couple of weird dreams. The first involved Lyndsey. A big group of us were hanging out at this pizza place or something, and she was there. We were having a good time, actually. Nothing bad was said and you wouldn't have known we weren't friends in the dream. Then, as they left, I played the pinball machine, and as I came back, some old friends were having a party. People I haven't seen since like Lyle and junior high and also some high school pals. We had some drinks (I remember I had root beer), and then went to play some paintball. As soon as we got outside, it felt as though we were re-enacting WWII. Snow was on the ground, we were out in the woods, and I walked into a clearing after hearing someone fall. I grabbed them and helped carry them to safety as someone was shooting at me. They missed, but hit a tree next to me, and the paintball splattered on my arm, and I remember worrying whether they'd call me dead or not - and that if they had, I'd argue I didn't have a welt or bruise where the paint was. So as I'm walking with someone around my arm, it gets dark and I wake up. When I went back to sleep, I was walking Moe to her apt. at St. James. She was telling me how mad and upset she's been with me and everyone else, not saying anything close to an apology for when she last yelled at me. But then she turned around and gave me a hug, and with tears welled up told me she misses me. After that, I woke up again. End of dreams.
I miss being surrounded by loved ones who love me back.
This house is killing me.