South of Happy..........
Pretty Unhappy.........
Yeah,
As the title states, things could be better. I just don't know what to do anymore. I ran into several folks from my past tonight, and I had the full intention to speak to them and at least mitigate the outstanding gulfs of difference currently separating us. Friendly, diplomatic, harmless, constructive. Where's the harm in mending blown up bridges?
The harm, it seems, lies within being blown off, ignored, taken for granted, disclaimed, discounted, not taken seriously, passed over, swept away in meaningless drivel. Why? Why Fuckin' Why? Why O Ever So Fuckin' Seriously Why?
Am I that bad a person? I don't think so.
I'm as patient as they come. I can put up with a ton of eccentricity. I can put up with numerous hangups. I'll admit I tend to get a little loopy when constantly and chronically bashed over the head with stupidity and delusion, but Dammit, who doesn't???
Tonight it happened, I was looked down upon. Time after brutal time, I was looked upon as an object of ridicule, of sarcasm, of lampoon, of belittlement, and it was so not deserved. So very, very undeserved.......
Leslie, where art thou? The only places you appear just happen to be places I chose to get intoxicated at. What happened to late nights at 24-hour restaurants when I actually proved to you I had a freakin brain? Christine, nice to see you, seriously, but did I show up at a bad time? You were totally different from the Christine I barely know.........so distant and apathetic.........then, later, so wrapped up with ignoring the world in your little corner. Perhaps it is too late and too little time n effort invested, but I am not ready to believe that....Miss Sasha, where the hell did you come from? As if I was ready for the afformentioned.......yeah, right........Your prescence came outta nowhere, and made the already weird positively surreal. Not that I was sad to see you well, quite the opposite. But If someone asked me to go up and talk to you, I'd have told em I hadn't the foggiest notion of how to go about it..........Or what your reaction would be.....for that matter, what any of your reactions would be.......
And N, no longer with that guy, yet still so crazy and frenetic!! I just...........I just don't know about square one or anything with you........more's the pity........
A sane person would take all this as evidence they should find a different place to imbibe cocktails. But no, not me.....I'm too far gone it seems for anything but this weekly masochistic boot-party in my honor we call City. Things really suck for me at this moment. I'm alone. I'm old. I'm stupid. I'm unambitious. I'm un-rich. I'm too corrupt for the bible-thumpers and too square for the above mentioned girls. I'm even afraid to type this out right now for fear of the response I might get back. Then, the next second, I beat myself up for thinking the last statement was an arrogant hubric statement. As if to say, "Who am I, to expect attention bad or good, for what a nobody like me has to say or think? Where do I get off?" Its extremely tough to find the proper line between selfish and selfless.
So, what to do? Easy.......First, stay out of thier business........that's #1
Second. Keep doing what your doing.......I'm not dead yet, nor in jail.....so I can't be doing too bad in the eyes of those that make the decisions.
Third, and final........This......
An open letter to all the above mentioned......communicate with me.........get in touch.......voice your feelings........the state of your union if you will...........Love, Hate, Indifferent........I'd really love to know whether I'm wasting my time or not approaching or avoiding you folks.
Some of you, I have been told to stay away from, whether from yourselves or from associated folks.......But all that information is quite old and dated. Its February 2006, and perhaps situations have changed. Its not like there are females beating down my door every day to be with me.......
Shit, and this is not even taking into accound the mysterious flocks of strangers who may or may not be out there.......something to expound upon in a future post, I suppose.............
Yeah,
As the title states, things could be better. I just don't know what to do anymore. I ran into several folks from my past tonight, and I had the full intention to speak to them and at least mitigate the outstanding gulfs of difference currently separating us. Friendly, diplomatic, harmless, constructive. Where's the harm in mending blown up bridges?
The harm, it seems, lies within being blown off, ignored, taken for granted, disclaimed, discounted, not taken seriously, passed over, swept away in meaningless drivel. Why? Why Fuckin' Why? Why O Ever So Fuckin' Seriously Why?
Am I that bad a person? I don't think so.
I'm as patient as they come. I can put up with a ton of eccentricity. I can put up with numerous hangups. I'll admit I tend to get a little loopy when constantly and chronically bashed over the head with stupidity and delusion, but Dammit, who doesn't???
Tonight it happened, I was looked down upon. Time after brutal time, I was looked upon as an object of ridicule, of sarcasm, of lampoon, of belittlement, and it was so not deserved. So very, very undeserved.......
Leslie, where art thou? The only places you appear just happen to be places I chose to get intoxicated at. What happened to late nights at 24-hour restaurants when I actually proved to you I had a freakin brain? Christine, nice to see you, seriously, but did I show up at a bad time? You were totally different from the Christine I barely know.........so distant and apathetic.........then, later, so wrapped up with ignoring the world in your little corner. Perhaps it is too late and too little time n effort invested, but I am not ready to believe that....Miss Sasha, where the hell did you come from? As if I was ready for the afformentioned.......yeah, right........Your prescence came outta nowhere, and made the already weird positively surreal. Not that I was sad to see you well, quite the opposite. But If someone asked me to go up and talk to you, I'd have told em I hadn't the foggiest notion of how to go about it..........Or what your reaction would be.....for that matter, what any of your reactions would be.......
And N, no longer with that guy, yet still so crazy and frenetic!! I just...........I just don't know about square one or anything with you........more's the pity........
A sane person would take all this as evidence they should find a different place to imbibe cocktails. But no, not me.....I'm too far gone it seems for anything but this weekly masochistic boot-party in my honor we call City. Things really suck for me at this moment. I'm alone. I'm old. I'm stupid. I'm unambitious. I'm un-rich. I'm too corrupt for the bible-thumpers and too square for the above mentioned girls. I'm even afraid to type this out right now for fear of the response I might get back. Then, the next second, I beat myself up for thinking the last statement was an arrogant hubric statement. As if to say, "Who am I, to expect attention bad or good, for what a nobody like me has to say or think? Where do I get off?" Its extremely tough to find the proper line between selfish and selfless.
So, what to do? Easy.......First, stay out of thier business........that's #1
Second. Keep doing what your doing.......I'm not dead yet, nor in jail.....so I can't be doing too bad in the eyes of those that make the decisions.
Third, and final........This......
An open letter to all the above mentioned......communicate with me.........get in touch.......voice your feelings........the state of your union if you will...........Love, Hate, Indifferent........I'd really love to know whether I'm wasting my time or not approaching or avoiding you folks.
Some of you, I have been told to stay away from, whether from yourselves or from associated folks.......But all that information is quite old and dated. Its February 2006, and perhaps situations have changed. Its not like there are females beating down my door every day to be with me.......
Shit, and this is not even taking into accound the mysterious flocks of strangers who may or may not be out there.......something to expound upon in a future post, I suppose.............