(no subject)
sometimes it feels like there is no place for me in this world.
sometimes i want to die so badly, so immediately it almost feels physical, the need, the overwhelming need to just end it all. people have said, at various times, that if i really wanted to die i would have done so already, and to a degree yeah, ok, point, but on the other hand...i don't think they realize, how much I really, utterly WANT TO, sometimes.
but of course, a person can want many things. even if i decided on it now, i wouldn't be able to, not for a while. to go there, now, would be incredibly inappropriate and messed up and unfair, much moreso than normally, due to circumstances. the timing would just be...very clearly crossing the line into wrong, and i will not go there. my morals, my ethics, my ongoing efforts to educate myself and examine my thoughts and beliefs to try to be a better person where it concerns others, in my head and my words if nothing else due to my uselessness in everyday life...that is one of the very few things I still like and respect about myself. i will not let go of that, i will not do something i think is unfair and wrong, not even in pain or desperation.
in which case, what can i do, on the nights i just want to die so badly? wait, wait. the intensity will dull in a day or two. some days i do feel like i can maybe do something, change something, take some steps, try. so stand it, wait, maybe pick at ruined and scarred skin some more, maybe puke anything i might have eaten until i feel sick and tired and numb, maybe do one of those more stupid/self-destructive than usual things i tend to do occasionally, every so often, playing with danger, that i don't mention anywhere or to anyone anymore because some things its best no one know, and i am trying to be less of a burden to those around me than i already am, the things i can help, small, and silence is useful.
i miss writing, those feelings of creativity, inspiration, possibility.
i miss learning, studying, the intellectual engagement of it all.
a person can want many things...
(but what place can there be for someone who feels like they cannot stand to exist anymore?)
sometimes i want to die so badly, so immediately it almost feels physical, the need, the overwhelming need to just end it all. people have said, at various times, that if i really wanted to die i would have done so already, and to a degree yeah, ok, point, but on the other hand...i don't think they realize, how much I really, utterly WANT TO, sometimes.
but of course, a person can want many things. even if i decided on it now, i wouldn't be able to, not for a while. to go there, now, would be incredibly inappropriate and messed up and unfair, much moreso than normally, due to circumstances. the timing would just be...very clearly crossing the line into wrong, and i will not go there. my morals, my ethics, my ongoing efforts to educate myself and examine my thoughts and beliefs to try to be a better person where it concerns others, in my head and my words if nothing else due to my uselessness in everyday life...that is one of the very few things I still like and respect about myself. i will not let go of that, i will not do something i think is unfair and wrong, not even in pain or desperation.
in which case, what can i do, on the nights i just want to die so badly? wait, wait. the intensity will dull in a day or two. some days i do feel like i can maybe do something, change something, take some steps, try. so stand it, wait, maybe pick at ruined and scarred skin some more, maybe puke anything i might have eaten until i feel sick and tired and numb, maybe do one of those more stupid/self-destructive than usual things i tend to do occasionally, every so often, playing with danger, that i don't mention anywhere or to anyone anymore because some things its best no one know, and i am trying to be less of a burden to those around me than i already am, the things i can help, small, and silence is useful.
i miss writing, those feelings of creativity, inspiration, possibility.
i miss learning, studying, the intellectual engagement of it all.
a person can want many things...
(but what place can there be for someone who feels like they cannot stand to exist anymore?)