An unmasking has occured
I can't say I have been entirely unfortunate. I do now get noticed... there are those who have some interest, but it does seem bothersome that I can only attract the ones who are of no interest to me...or have previous relationships. Though some may be cleared in the near future. But it wasn't okay before, now I will only feel slightly less guilty for being as interested as I was. Guilt is a hard feeling to run from. There are those that are forbidden, but I always feel the need to be involved in soemthing so wrong. I'm not sure of my intentions.. I'm not sure of his. I feel as though I'm a bloodworm being fed to the fish without a fighting chance my dead body exhumed for feeding. Floating down to the inevitable.
Tiger Army Geoff has been calling which makes me feel a little more like a person he cares about instead of flesh he wanted. That is something I tend to do as well...get in little less than serious 'relationships' with men who live too far away. Geoff (T.A.), Brandan (B.T.), Joel (D. of C.), Chris(Saosin) in Cali, Anthony(Bayside), Anthony(V.E.), Josh (LSF) in New York. Cody in Canada. Gene in Las Vegas. Do I honestly think those are ever going anywhere? I don't have the answer to that question even though it is my life. I fool myself. I need something real and closer to home. At least I have a place to stay when I travel... that's always nice.
Each day I come to a closer realization of what is. My fear and unreadiness to grow old is one I keep in the most front part of my mind. It's not the fear of getting less attractive, but as of right now there is nothing holding me back or tying me down to anything...I am young and free so to speak. Wrinkles are something I accept, but living enclosed indoors is something I refuse. Moving to New York will be refreshing.. perhaps something needed before I have to be that stay-at-home mom. I want to do things in my life, to have actual experiences instead of living through other people on reality t.v.
Ah what an outbreak of everyday norm.
Tiger Army Geoff has been calling which makes me feel a little more like a person he cares about instead of flesh he wanted. That is something I tend to do as well...get in little less than serious 'relationships' with men who live too far away. Geoff (T.A.), Brandan (B.T.), Joel (D. of C.), Chris(Saosin) in Cali, Anthony(Bayside), Anthony(V.E.), Josh (LSF) in New York. Cody in Canada. Gene in Las Vegas. Do I honestly think those are ever going anywhere? I don't have the answer to that question even though it is my life. I fool myself. I need something real and closer to home. At least I have a place to stay when I travel... that's always nice.
Each day I come to a closer realization of what is. My fear and unreadiness to grow old is one I keep in the most front part of my mind. It's not the fear of getting less attractive, but as of right now there is nothing holding me back or tying me down to anything...I am young and free so to speak. Wrinkles are something I accept, but living enclosed indoors is something I refuse. Moving to New York will be refreshing.. perhaps something needed before I have to be that stay-at-home mom. I want to do things in my life, to have actual experiences instead of living through other people on reality t.v.
Ah what an outbreak of everyday norm.