(no subject)
i did not sleep well and it´s fucking cold. i am in a bad mood because nobody´s here and i am having class alone now. because everybody allready went home for christmas except me. but i am going friday and it maked me quite happy to think about it, but again like in Nice it scares me for different reasons because i have to deal with people again and fix everything with alex so it is either fixed or ... well, either fixed or that we are friends i don´t know what he wants. i wrote him a ltetter and he asked me if he should answer since it might not reach me before i get home so i said no, but iam sacared of what he has to tell me. and maybe I am just too scared of everything.
And i realized that the longer i am going out with him the more i am scared of things. for example failing him, failing in finding a job, disappointing him, break with my life as i know it, not pleasing him or the whole population living on our planet...
etc.
I know i cannot please everyone but it´s just that i want it too much. I know i am not perfect but i am trying and disappoint myself because it´s not working. And i know that it will be the reason for arguements with alex because he wants me to be me and i want to be perfect and hide out behind a mask.
yeah, i could start crying again.
And i realized that the longer i am going out with him the more i am scared of things. for example failing him, failing in finding a job, disappointing him, break with my life as i know it, not pleasing him or the whole population living on our planet...
etc.
I know i cannot please everyone but it´s just that i want it too much. I know i am not perfect but i am trying and disappoint myself because it´s not working. And i know that it will be the reason for arguements with alex because he wants me to be me and i want to be perfect and hide out behind a mask.
yeah, i could start crying again.