Things to Do Only If You Want Me to Stab You In the Eyes
-Come in. Notice that I am watching television from my desk, but looking back and forth between computer and TV screens. Decide that the area between the television and me is the best place to take off your pants, or pick your nose and open to me a new world of disgust when I look up randomly and see your stupid cheapo granny panties.
-Wear not waterproof, and in fact absorbent sandals in the shower, and bring water back with you. And step on my blanket when you come in.
-Never, ever sweep the room or clean up your shit.
-Have a charger or electronic device that blinks with a blinding blue light when plugged in plugged in during the night...right next to my face so I feel the need to turn it over.
-Leave said charger plugged in the next night.......and pretend to be asleep and wait for me to attempt to turn it over again. I'M ONTO YOUR MIND GAMES.
-Have your cell phone ring (which is terrible stupid poppy something or other that makes me want to die) on full volume, all the time.
-Disappear at 11 PM until 230 AM. What the fuck. Then turn on at least 3 lights (one of which must be an overhead light, since you're too stupid to replace the lightbulb in your fucking desk lamp since OCTOBER when it EXPLODED in its Chinese lead filled glory) and make sure at least one lamp is pointed directly into my eyes.
-See me in the dining commons, sneak up behind me, shove me, wave and walk away. Without saying a word.
-Um, take pictures of me sleeping???
-Attempt to exit the room when I am getting naked or changed. I came in from my shower. I am behind my closet door. Leave me alone. You are not welcome in my naked time.
-Lock the door whenever you enter the room. I know how important it is to make sure we keep out the NO PEOPLE who come bursting into our room without warning. And if you're going to lock the door EVERY TIME YOU COME IN, don't fucking pull on the door when you go to leave 2 minutes later AS IF IT'S NOT STILL LOCKED.
-Leave your computer on at full volume all the time. Make sure MSN sounds are turned on, and make sure all your buddies have really annoying sounds and try to talk to you in the middle of the night.
-EAT ONLY ASIAN FOOD. WALK ACROSS CAMPUS IN THE COLD TO WARING COMMONS FOR THE SAKE OF EATING ONLY IMITATION DINING COMMONS ASIAN FOOD BY YOURSELF BECAUSE PANDA EXPRESS CLOSES AT 3. OR WHENEVER. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T EAT THERE EVERYDAY.
-Make faces at the beautiful aroma of an oily, vinegary, beefy, italiany sub. Maybe if you ate other kinds of food than ramen noodles and dining commons lo mein you would understand that food that smells different from artificial MSG butthole is DELICIOUS.
-Leave the room for 12 hour spans at a time only once a week. Please, feel free to do it more. That was the best Sunday of my life.
-Listen to music on your cell phone when you go to bed. Invest in a pair of headphones at the very least. I don't want to hear about "blah blah maybe i want heart to make you crazy" or whatever. HEADPHONES.
GRRRRRR. TWO MORE WEEKS AND THREE MORE DAYS TILL I AM HOME AGAIN AND CAN SEE MY KITTY AND EAT PASTA SIDES AND SLEEP WITHOUT FEAR OF BLINKING LIGHTS AND MID-NIGHT DOOR BURSTINGS AND TERRIBLE MUSIC LOOPS.
Sometimes I worry this is making me come off as a really terrible racist jerk. It's okay. Only to her. She is the only one who gets my ire. lolz