Phone Call
Fate - we gotta have a talk.
I can't believe I missed the date. I hope she's awake to answer.
She answers, "hey babe," and I can tell I woke her up but I know she wouldn't want me to say anything.
I answer, "Hey love," maybe been around Ex to much but I have to know how she will respond.
"There's a piece of you that's here with me"
"My beds empty." There it is; hanging in the air of our conversation - the question "why." And it stabs me in a way I've never felt before but accepting it, believing it can't get worse. I tell her that I am sorry and that I miss her. I try to explain, I but now it seems empty because we aren't together. Yet I still tell her I'm staying, tearing me in 2 even as all I long to do is go to her and pull her into a kiss.
I do tell her I am worried about being able to handle this challenge. If I have learned enough, smart enough do what is right here. She just tells me I'm being silly and I'll do fine but her phrasing makes me smile like an idiot, "you'll do fine love." This is our relationship. One of born out of desire but ruled by the principles that make us.
Then I mention Vit's reaction and I can hear a slight change in her tone, not sure what it is but something about it bothers her. And then I realize it. I called Vit but never called her, though out the entire thing I didn't call her, she had to call me. I am an Idiot.
"It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see"
She asks me if I need anything, I know she means to help with city but I say what I really need.- her. As I say it she goes quite for a bit and then says, "I i don't know that you're right though... being happy with me, I mean we're not even dating."
She doesn't want me to stay; she wants me to run and give her the reason but I won't. I tell her the truth, "You worry to much. Shouldn't I decided what makes me happy?"
"You can't be okay with that...although i suppose it will probably be a bit easier in Austin."
"…your right it's not what I want but it's what you are willing to give and that's all I need."
She keeps going on about how I'll eventually find someone else and care for another like I do her while I deny it she then she says something proves never say it can't be worse, "I never should have said i love you." It takes me by surprise and I have to bit my tongue so hard it bleeds for a moment to silence my reaction. I want to yell, I want to scream at the comment, beat it down with righteous rage. But I know that won't help, venom cannot heal wounds.
I take a moment to calm myself - Suiten, wherever the hell you are, thanks for teaching me to catch my mouth - and reply they only way I can from a phone, "You can keep saying it but that doesn't change how I feel about you okay. Push all you want, I'm not going to walk away from you and please don't ever say that again. Sure I'll be building a city but no matter what you make what I do mean something more than just to me…I love you plain and simple and I knew you loved me in your own way without saying it. Hearing it was like a dream. and thank you for that."
"When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by"
And then the damn of her breaks and she tells me everything. Finally. It's almost euphoric in it's hurt. How she hates the conflict I bring to her emotions in her life. That she hates the idea of me being with another but that she can't even do the same.; that she hates that she cares, and gets jealous, and loves me, that she hates that I'm not there with her. She even hates that she in fact hates those things.
I do my best to answer knowing I can’t give up, "I hate that I'm not in your bed. I hate that I brought you change when I said I wouldn't. I hate that I am the cause of the pain of that change. I hate that I made you love me when I said I wouldn't. But you know what? …We both love each other and no matter we do in our lives that truth will always be there. And while I get a bit jealous thinking of you with others I know that's just you. And I always miss when you aren't around me."
She apologizes for not being the girl she thinks I need, that she can't be tied to me like that; she isn't that way. And I reminder her I love her for her not for some abstract desire of what I think she should be.
And then the surprise, "what if... ,"she trails off but I continue to pester, "it was a thought...nothing i really mean..," and I still continue until she gives in again, "see, what if i wanted not to share you."
I then surprise her with my own, "Then I wouldn't and I haven't been with anyone for 2 months."
As she ponders and comments, I hum the 3rd song on that cd that she didn't give me. Heck I don't even realize it at first and all I can see as I start to drift in the silence is the cute little pout she wears when she sleeps as if trying to decide which shoes to wear for the day.
"You're stubborn you know that?" she tells me and it's all I can do but not to laugh, "you're sure you're not mastigos?" I tell it's a character flaw and that I am not.
"I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together"
And finally some light but serious banter about how we should be in the same bed and not leaving it, following an offer I don't think even she expected to say, "you don't have to if you don't want to." Followed by more comments of life vs desire, telling me she doesn't want anyone else to put their arms around me but hers and I wish my arms where around her right now. She again tells me that she cannot commit like that I shouldn't either, "It's okay. I'm not asking you to… And it's my love life and as you said my choice to do with it what I will. I choose to just be with you."
She tells me I am in a way and it's true but I tell her the possibility because it's her is worth the wait. That in time she will make the decision when she's ready.
By this point exhaustion from the day has fully asserted itself and I am barely able to stay awake, her final, "i love you," pushing me over the edge into dreams, falling asleep even as I tell her the same.
"Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"
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Within my dreams I catch a fleeting image of field full of green and trees and then she is there floating along in a warm blue sundress modest but sensual in it's cut and the light reflecting on something on her hand….her left and the lyrics of a song barely remember play.
"See a chance gotta take it wanna meet my fate
'Cause the last thing I ever wanted was to find out it's too late
No way out when you're in it deeper than the night
There's a light at the end of the tunnel and I see it burning bright"
I awake with a smile but I feel the wetness of tears left on my cheeks. Almost a bittersweet reminder that dreams and reality are never the same. But I refuse to accept that for…
"It don't matter where it takes me
Long as I can keep this feeling soarin' through, my soul"
I will walk this road.