though I walk through the valley of shadows, I fear nothing
no, i take it back. i don't have anyone i like. i thought i did, but i was just being my stupid usual self.
i like everybody, pretty much. i just want to find someone who likes me, too.
i have such a different world view from my roommates. oh well.
things have really been looking up like never before though. living alone, while not preferable, is something that i can, and will, most likely, do.
but what i really wanted to say, is that i finally understand. why things didn't work out. it wasn't anything terrible, it was just the distance was too much for either of us to handle. i didn't handle things as well as i could've, but again, that was all do to the situation, and not really either of our faults. i realize now that she didn't hate me or anything, and that the things that she did that hurt, they weren't intentional. i have not heard a word from her in almost six months, so i don't know how much she is still keeping track of my life, if she reads this still or not, but i just wanted to say it, just in case.
i understand now.
i don't know if i'm completely over it yet. memories still come back, and i do think about her a lot, but it's getting there. it's no longer a situation of crying or panicing, just thinking.
on thursday i was able to spend 8 hours in the library, doing home work. i did not get distracted at all, and it was an amazingly awesome feeling to have that back.
i'm so glad i have such good friends around me. c1, paul, dave, ted, alivia, duncan, andy, amanda, joe (when he's not being an antisocial bum). things feel so good and so secure right now, like they haven't felt in a very long time. things are changing too, about myself. i've begun to take an active interest in how presentable i look. though my trusty grey sweatshirt is still my best friend, i've begun trying other things. button up shirts, sweaters, plain-old long sleeve shirts.
none of my pants even fit me any more. even the ones i bought at the start of last semester. in the last eight months or so, i've dropped close to sixty pounds off of what i used to weigh. my stomach, though not quite rock hard, is still at least flat, and i feel like i can wear things i never would have been comfortable in beforehand. my pants size has gone down from a 38 to a 36, and even those are too big now. i'll have to go shopping sometime, and see if i can fit into the next size down. hopefully :)
the real person i need to thank though, is jess, because without her help, i probably wouldn't have survived the first couple of months after the fact, and i hope she knows that.
and thanks again to all my other wonderful friends, for keeping me going, and keeping me company, and making everything so much better.
things will work out now, i think.
although, i wish i wasn't awake right now, considering i have early class tommorow.
but that is of small concern in the grand scheme of things.
i'm regaining my focus (if not my memory ^^', i'm ever forgetful), but enough is enough. i can already feel the sleeping medication taking effect, so i will leave this entry here, so that at least something is posted.
i like everybody, pretty much. i just want to find someone who likes me, too.
i have such a different world view from my roommates. oh well.
things have really been looking up like never before though. living alone, while not preferable, is something that i can, and will, most likely, do.
but what i really wanted to say, is that i finally understand. why things didn't work out. it wasn't anything terrible, it was just the distance was too much for either of us to handle. i didn't handle things as well as i could've, but again, that was all do to the situation, and not really either of our faults. i realize now that she didn't hate me or anything, and that the things that she did that hurt, they weren't intentional. i have not heard a word from her in almost six months, so i don't know how much she is still keeping track of my life, if she reads this still or not, but i just wanted to say it, just in case.
i understand now.
i don't know if i'm completely over it yet. memories still come back, and i do think about her a lot, but it's getting there. it's no longer a situation of crying or panicing, just thinking.
on thursday i was able to spend 8 hours in the library, doing home work. i did not get distracted at all, and it was an amazingly awesome feeling to have that back.
i'm so glad i have such good friends around me. c1, paul, dave, ted, alivia, duncan, andy, amanda, joe (when he's not being an antisocial bum). things feel so good and so secure right now, like they haven't felt in a very long time. things are changing too, about myself. i've begun to take an active interest in how presentable i look. though my trusty grey sweatshirt is still my best friend, i've begun trying other things. button up shirts, sweaters, plain-old long sleeve shirts.
none of my pants even fit me any more. even the ones i bought at the start of last semester. in the last eight months or so, i've dropped close to sixty pounds off of what i used to weigh. my stomach, though not quite rock hard, is still at least flat, and i feel like i can wear things i never would have been comfortable in beforehand. my pants size has gone down from a 38 to a 36, and even those are too big now. i'll have to go shopping sometime, and see if i can fit into the next size down. hopefully :)
the real person i need to thank though, is jess, because without her help, i probably wouldn't have survived the first couple of months after the fact, and i hope she knows that.
and thanks again to all my other wonderful friends, for keeping me going, and keeping me company, and making everything so much better.
things will work out now, i think.
although, i wish i wasn't awake right now, considering i have early class tommorow.
but that is of small concern in the grand scheme of things.
i'm regaining my focus (if not my memory ^^', i'm ever forgetful), but enough is enough. i can already feel the sleeping medication taking effect, so i will leave this entry here, so that at least something is posted.