{ FIC } She Who Must Not Be Loved : Chapter 25
{ FIC } She Who Must Not Be Loved : Chapter 25
Feat. TVXQ
Rating: NC-17 for violence, cursing, some sexuality
T W E N T Y - F I V E
ChangMin stared at the CD he had made for his sister as a Christmas gift and tucked it away inside his drawer, along with the coloring book pages - the ones they colored together - that he took off from his walls one by one. When he finished clearing all of them, he sat down on his bed and turned the TV on. The silence was killing him, he needed some distraction.
It was then that he noticed his videocamera on the tripod standing beside the TV set. It wasn’t where he had left it, he was sure. He stood back up, took the camera and switched it on.
“ChangMin-ah! How have you been doing? It seems like forever since we talked…”
ChangMin was at a loss for words as he watched the tape he rewound. He couldn’t remember taking the video. SolMin must have done this herself.
“I saw your Christmas present to me… although I know it’s a surprise. I left it where I found it so you could still wrap it in pretty Christmas wrapping,” SolMin said and laughed. He smiled amidst tears brimming in his eyes. The dress SolMin was wearing in the video was the same dress she wore to the restaurant where they were supposed to have dinner before she was attacked.
SolMin’s face lost its glow suddenly, “ChangMin-ah… I’m sorry.” She had tears in her eyes as well. “You know I always want only the best for you, right? This was bound to happen anyway… what with how smart you are and all…”
“I will miss you though. I actually miss you so much already,” she said. “But don’t worry. I will follow you as soon as I get things fixed here. It’s not easy to just quit, you know. I will follow you, I promise.”
But you went away first, noona…
“I’m sorry if I’ve treated you like a baby when you’ve already grown up to be a fine young man. I just find the need to protect you when I don’t really need to.”
No, you did need to.
“I just didn’t want you to be like me.”
Noona… you’re crying.
“Anyway…” SolMin wiped away her tears. “I didn’t know you could sing so well! You could be a singer, Piggie!” she giggled one moment, and then sighed on the next. “Ahhh… let me see… I don’t know how to sing.”
ChangMin let out a laugh and wiped his tears as well. He smiled even more when SolMin started singing and acting out the Three Bears Song and covering her face afterwards in shame. “You really should delete this video after you see it, Piggie…” she said. Her face turned solemn again, “I wish I could give you something more… for Christmas and always. You’ve been the best little brother anybody could ask for… and you’ve made it so easy for me - to smile even though I don’t feel like smiling, to wake up everyday, to feel love and give love - because you were there. You are the reason I survive.”
And you are mine...
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
“I love you too, noona,” ChangMin sobbed, rewinding and re-rewinding the last part of the video over and over.
You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you. He closed his eyes and imagined SolMin saying it in his ear. She seemed so near. You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.
You are my happiness, Piggie.
I love you.
YooChun placed a bouquet on top of his piano and sat down in front of it. He closed his eyes and lay his fingers on the piano keys again, after a long time. He started to play like before, fluidly and beautifully, imagining SolMin listening intently beside him.
He remembered the first time she came to the shop. She wanted flowers and picked the ones she liked for him to wrap up. Never once had she picked roses, because she said the thorns would hurt YooChun’s hands. She had always been pleasant and gave generous tips, the last one he had refused because he had felt bad. He wondered if she felt bad as well.
He continued playing even as his tears fell. He felt a pair of hands hold his. “YooChun-ah…” AiLing whispered and took him in her arms.
“I miss her,” YooChun said, embracing AiLing tightly. “She was pretty, wasn’t she? Like her voice…”
“Like her heart,” AiLing replied, her hand smoothing YooChun’s back.
“Her poor brother ChangMin must be so devastated,” he said, tears falling from his eyes. “She loved him so much.”
AiLing released him from her embrace, “And she loved you too,” she said, smiling. She looked into his eyes, “I can see two beautiful people now, every time I look at you.”
YooChun smiled in return, “And every time I look at you… I want to kiss you.” He held her face in his hands and leaned forward, his lips touching hers. Her lips parted slowly to receive him, letting his tongue taste the sweetness of hers. When they finished, YooChun buried his face on AiLing’s neck, finding peace in her embrace again.
“I love you, Park YooChun.”
“I love you too…”
Kim JunSu had been staring at the portrait he drew for quite a while already. He made sure it looked impeccably beautiful, like the SolMin he had known. It took him a long time to finish the sketch with his injured hand, but he was pleased at how it looked, nonetheless.
SolMin’s eyes looked so alive, and yet so lonely even when she was smiling in the portrait. To him, she had always been beautiful because of her tears. He knew she was crying for someone she loved, like his own mother did, and he wished he could’ve made her happy even for a moment.
He had overheard his classmates gossiping about SolMin again, and he looked to his left to find an empty seat. He had been meaning to hand the portrait to ChangMin when he comes inside the room, but it seemed that he was late for class that day. JunSu sighed and took out a piece of paper, scribbled furiously on it, and then stuck the note on the portrait with a paper clip.
Standing up, he placed the portrait on ChangMin’s table and left the room without a word. He couldn’t stand hearing gossips about SolMin, and he was afraid he’d just hurt someone once he gets fired up. Walking away is his best solution.
His classmates went to look at the portrait he left on ChangMin’s table and read the note he left:
I’m sad that she had to go too. I can’t believe that she’s now just a beautiful memory. My condolences. - Kim JunSu
The portrait stayed on ChangMin’s table the whole day.
“You are so unfair.”
YunHo took the picture of him and SolMin in his hand and traced SolMin’s face with his finger. “Why’d you make me promise? You knew this was coming, didn’t you?” He buried his face in his palms. He could hear SolMin’s voice in his head.
“Be a father, YunHo. Be a father and make your child feel and know what a real father should be like. I want ChangMin to do the same, that’s why I’ve been protecting him all this time.”
“I promise, SolMin. I will be a father.”
“You are so unfair…” he mumbled. “…to make me promise to be a father when the only father I want to be is of your child.”
He thought of the night they made love, how he wanted her so much, how he needed her. What if he had kept her in sight? What if he had forced her out of her plans? What if it never happened? Would that night have given him a chance to be a father?
There were so many “what ifs” that thinking about it made him dizzy and miserable. He knew he would never be able to fulfill the one and only promise he made to SolMin.
And then he thought of ChangMin.
Right. If I can’t be a father, I might as well be his brother.
You would want that, wouldn’t you?
He rang the bell once, twice, several times until he decided there probably was no one home. He waited until nightfall, until ChangMin came home from school. He drove through Seoul, thinking ChangMin must be in some noisy place trying to drive away his tears. He didn’t find him.
It was near midnight when YunHo returned to the Shim house, and he then got worried that something bad must’ve happened to SolMin’s little brother. He scaled the gates and broke inside the house, looking for ChangMin.
“ChangMin? Are you here?” he called out. “ChangMin, it’s me. Jung YunHo…”
YunHo walked up the stairs to the bedrooms and heard a familiar voice. SolMin’s.
“ChangMin?” he knocked at the door of the room where the voice came from. “ChangMin are you there? It’s YunHo, I just want to talk.”
No reply.
He leaned on the door and listened to the voice.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
It was the same line over and over.
“ChangMin! I’m going to break the door down!” YunHo said. There was still no reply. He pulled up his sleeve a bit, stepped back and then kicked the door off its hinges. Walking inside the room, he saw a video of SolMin on TV, set to loop so that it would repeat again and again.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
YunHo looked at the bed and saw ChangMin sleeping. “ChangMin, wake up,” he said, sitting on the bed and nudging ChangMin awake. There was, however, something wrong with how ChangMin’s skin felt like.
It was cold. And stiff.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
YunHo switched the lights on and stared at ChangMin’s body lying there. There were no traces of struggle or illness, poisoning, or anything suspicious leading to his death. ChangMin only looked as if he were sleeping.
Shaking his head, YunHo took out his phone and was about to call an ambulance when he saw a piece of paper underneath ChangMin’s arm. He walked over, took it and read what was written:
To whoever finds me…
My sister promised to follow me wherever I go. It’s my turn now.
ChangMin
END.
05.21.07
Feat. TVXQ
Rating: NC-17 for violence, cursing, some sexuality
T W E N T Y - F I V E
ChangMin stared at the CD he had made for his sister as a Christmas gift and tucked it away inside his drawer, along with the coloring book pages - the ones they colored together - that he took off from his walls one by one. When he finished clearing all of them, he sat down on his bed and turned the TV on. The silence was killing him, he needed some distraction.
It was then that he noticed his videocamera on the tripod standing beside the TV set. It wasn’t where he had left it, he was sure. He stood back up, took the camera and switched it on.
“ChangMin-ah! How have you been doing? It seems like forever since we talked…”
ChangMin was at a loss for words as he watched the tape he rewound. He couldn’t remember taking the video. SolMin must have done this herself.
“I saw your Christmas present to me… although I know it’s a surprise. I left it where I found it so you could still wrap it in pretty Christmas wrapping,” SolMin said and laughed. He smiled amidst tears brimming in his eyes. The dress SolMin was wearing in the video was the same dress she wore to the restaurant where they were supposed to have dinner before she was attacked.
SolMin’s face lost its glow suddenly, “ChangMin-ah… I’m sorry.” She had tears in her eyes as well. “You know I always want only the best for you, right? This was bound to happen anyway… what with how smart you are and all…”
“I will miss you though. I actually miss you so much already,” she said. “But don’t worry. I will follow you as soon as I get things fixed here. It’s not easy to just quit, you know. I will follow you, I promise.”
But you went away first, noona…
“I’m sorry if I’ve treated you like a baby when you’ve already grown up to be a fine young man. I just find the need to protect you when I don’t really need to.”
No, you did need to.
“I just didn’t want you to be like me.”
Noona… you’re crying.
“Anyway…” SolMin wiped away her tears. “I didn’t know you could sing so well! You could be a singer, Piggie!” she giggled one moment, and then sighed on the next. “Ahhh… let me see… I don’t know how to sing.”
ChangMin let out a laugh and wiped his tears as well. He smiled even more when SolMin started singing and acting out the Three Bears Song and covering her face afterwards in shame. “You really should delete this video after you see it, Piggie…” she said. Her face turned solemn again, “I wish I could give you something more… for Christmas and always. You’ve been the best little brother anybody could ask for… and you’ve made it so easy for me - to smile even though I don’t feel like smiling, to wake up everyday, to feel love and give love - because you were there. You are the reason I survive.”
And you are mine...
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
“I love you too, noona,” ChangMin sobbed, rewinding and re-rewinding the last part of the video over and over.
You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you. He closed his eyes and imagined SolMin saying it in his ear. She seemed so near. You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.
You are my happiness, Piggie.
I love you.
YooChun placed a bouquet on top of his piano and sat down in front of it. He closed his eyes and lay his fingers on the piano keys again, after a long time. He started to play like before, fluidly and beautifully, imagining SolMin listening intently beside him.
He remembered the first time she came to the shop. She wanted flowers and picked the ones she liked for him to wrap up. Never once had she picked roses, because she said the thorns would hurt YooChun’s hands. She had always been pleasant and gave generous tips, the last one he had refused because he had felt bad. He wondered if she felt bad as well.
He continued playing even as his tears fell. He felt a pair of hands hold his. “YooChun-ah…” AiLing whispered and took him in her arms.
“I miss her,” YooChun said, embracing AiLing tightly. “She was pretty, wasn’t she? Like her voice…”
“Like her heart,” AiLing replied, her hand smoothing YooChun’s back.
“Her poor brother ChangMin must be so devastated,” he said, tears falling from his eyes. “She loved him so much.”
AiLing released him from her embrace, “And she loved you too,” she said, smiling. She looked into his eyes, “I can see two beautiful people now, every time I look at you.”
YooChun smiled in return, “And every time I look at you… I want to kiss you.” He held her face in his hands and leaned forward, his lips touching hers. Her lips parted slowly to receive him, letting his tongue taste the sweetness of hers. When they finished, YooChun buried his face on AiLing’s neck, finding peace in her embrace again.
“I love you, Park YooChun.”
“I love you too…”
Kim JunSu had been staring at the portrait he drew for quite a while already. He made sure it looked impeccably beautiful, like the SolMin he had known. It took him a long time to finish the sketch with his injured hand, but he was pleased at how it looked, nonetheless.
SolMin’s eyes looked so alive, and yet so lonely even when she was smiling in the portrait. To him, she had always been beautiful because of her tears. He knew she was crying for someone she loved, like his own mother did, and he wished he could’ve made her happy even for a moment.
He had overheard his classmates gossiping about SolMin again, and he looked to his left to find an empty seat. He had been meaning to hand the portrait to ChangMin when he comes inside the room, but it seemed that he was late for class that day. JunSu sighed and took out a piece of paper, scribbled furiously on it, and then stuck the note on the portrait with a paper clip.
Standing up, he placed the portrait on ChangMin’s table and left the room without a word. He couldn’t stand hearing gossips about SolMin, and he was afraid he’d just hurt someone once he gets fired up. Walking away is his best solution.
His classmates went to look at the portrait he left on ChangMin’s table and read the note he left:
I’m sad that she had to go too. I can’t believe that she’s now just a beautiful memory. My condolences. - Kim JunSu
The portrait stayed on ChangMin’s table the whole day.
“You are so unfair.”
YunHo took the picture of him and SolMin in his hand and traced SolMin’s face with his finger. “Why’d you make me promise? You knew this was coming, didn’t you?” He buried his face in his palms. He could hear SolMin’s voice in his head.
“Be a father, YunHo. Be a father and make your child feel and know what a real father should be like. I want ChangMin to do the same, that’s why I’ve been protecting him all this time.”
“I promise, SolMin. I will be a father.”
“You are so unfair…” he mumbled. “…to make me promise to be a father when the only father I want to be is of your child.”
He thought of the night they made love, how he wanted her so much, how he needed her. What if he had kept her in sight? What if he had forced her out of her plans? What if it never happened? Would that night have given him a chance to be a father?
There were so many “what ifs” that thinking about it made him dizzy and miserable. He knew he would never be able to fulfill the one and only promise he made to SolMin.
And then he thought of ChangMin.
Right. If I can’t be a father, I might as well be his brother.
You would want that, wouldn’t you?
He rang the bell once, twice, several times until he decided there probably was no one home. He waited until nightfall, until ChangMin came home from school. He drove through Seoul, thinking ChangMin must be in some noisy place trying to drive away his tears. He didn’t find him.
It was near midnight when YunHo returned to the Shim house, and he then got worried that something bad must’ve happened to SolMin’s little brother. He scaled the gates and broke inside the house, looking for ChangMin.
“ChangMin? Are you here?” he called out. “ChangMin, it’s me. Jung YunHo…”
YunHo walked up the stairs to the bedrooms and heard a familiar voice. SolMin’s.
“ChangMin?” he knocked at the door of the room where the voice came from. “ChangMin are you there? It’s YunHo, I just want to talk.”
No reply.
He leaned on the door and listened to the voice.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
It was the same line over and over.
“ChangMin! I’m going to break the door down!” YunHo said. There was still no reply. He pulled up his sleeve a bit, stepped back and then kicked the door off its hinges. Walking inside the room, he saw a video of SolMin on TV, set to loop so that it would repeat again and again.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
YunHo looked at the bed and saw ChangMin sleeping. “ChangMin, wake up,” he said, sitting on the bed and nudging ChangMin awake. There was, however, something wrong with how ChangMin’s skin felt like.
It was cold. And stiff.
“You are my happiness, Piggie. I love you.”
YunHo switched the lights on and stared at ChangMin’s body lying there. There were no traces of struggle or illness, poisoning, or anything suspicious leading to his death. ChangMin only looked as if he were sleeping.
Shaking his head, YunHo took out his phone and was about to call an ambulance when he saw a piece of paper underneath ChangMin’s arm. He walked over, took it and read what was written:
To whoever finds me…
My sister promised to follow me wherever I go. It’s my turn now.
ChangMin
END.
05.21.07