{ FIC } She Who Must Not Be Loved : Chapter 23
{ FIC } She Who Must Not Be Loved : Chapter 23
Feat. TVXQ
Rating: NC-17 for violence, cursing, some sexuality
T W E N T Y - T H R E E
His eyes were too sore and tired that even closing them to try to catch some sleep hurt. It has been three days, and he had never felt so empty, even when friends came to console him with hugs and words and grand flower arrangements. No hug ever felt as warm, no words as comforting, and no flowers could ever remind him of the beauty he had known as SolMin.
It still pained him not to know a shadow of a motive behind his sister’s death. It pained him to think that she had been suffering all this time, when he was enclosed in her embrace.
The night came again, and he cursed under his breath, feeling his heart cramp at the thought of trying to sleep and feeling little needles in his eyes. Everyone had already left, bringing silence upon the room.
ChangMin stared at the photograph of his sister in the middle of the room. She was smiling widely at the person who took the photo. Him. She always smiled at him. That was the reason why he always wore a smile that never waivered. She taught him that.
Tonight will be the last night he’ll be wearing mourning clothes. Tomorrow, he’ll be holding what she’ll be reduced to after the ceremony is over. Ashes.
He turned his back at the picture and curled up like a fetus in a corner. He closed his eyes and took in all the little needles in his eyes. This is your punishment for being so ignorant, Shim ChangMin. How could you not know? How could you let her suffer?
“ChangMin,” a familiar voice echoed in his ear.
He curled up even more, “Get out of here. I’ve already mourned for you.”
“Your father wishes-”
“I do not have a father,” ChangMin said, looking up with swollen eyes that looked to YunHo as if they were on fire. “Now get out.”
YunHo bowed to him and stole a glance at SolMin’s photograph. “Your sister wouldn’t want you to be like this…”
“What would she want then? For me to rejoice at her passing?”
“What I mean is…”
“You don’t know what she is to me.”
“I know what you are to her,” YunHo said, suddenly shutting ChangMin’s defenses down. “And I know what she wants for you.”
Kim JaeJoong polished the last inch of his gun’s nozzle and stared at his reflection on it. There were still bruises on his face, but what hurt most were the wounds that he couldn’t see.
Kim JaeJoong, you loser… where were you when she needed you?
He wondered where Jung YunHo was too, at the moment of SolMin’s fall. He’d heard that SolMin fought alone, and there was no way in hell she could’ve survived that assault. Closing his eyes, he cringed at images of SolMin wearing her own blood against her skin, defeated and lifeless. He couldn’t decide whether he was lucky not to have been there to see how it all ended, or if he was such a useless bastard to have been absent at her time of need.
Never for an instant had he thought of anyone else who could’ve done this. It’s just Shim JungShin and no one else.
Clutching his gun against his chest, he whispered a prayer for his beloved SolMin, and decided that today will be the day JungShin got what he deserved. A bullet in between his cold, cruel eyes.
Tears escaped from YooChun’s eyes freely when the bandages were removed that day, not because of an irritation or pain, but because he already knew whose gift of light he received. He looked around and saw blurred faces that eventually grew a bit sharper as he blinked and let the tears stream down his cheeks.
“Oppa…” YooRi said, sobbing and holding his hand, “It’s me, YooRi.”
YooChun smiled, “God, look at how you’ve grown…” he said as his sister threw her arms around him and called out his name over and over. He embraced her tightly and sobbed, “I feel like I’ve been away for so long…”
A gentle hand held on to YooChun’s as he still locked YooRi in his arms, “YooChun-ah…”
I know that voice. YooChun closed his eyes and clutched her hand. It was warm and comforting as always.
“YooChun-ah… look at me…” AiLing said, her free hand touching YooChun’s face, wiping his tears gently. “Look at me...”
YooChun opened his eyes slowly and gazed at AiLing’s face. He smiled, his eyes sparkling with tears, “You’re as beautiful as I imagined you would be…”
“I will try to find her, YooChun. I promise…”
“SolMin-ah…” YooChun whispered, remembering his friend. He will be seeing the world with her eyes from now on, with eyes he always imagined as warm and loving, although sad.
Thank you, SolMin. I will never know why you chose to leave this world so soon, but I will promise you this: These eyes will see beautiful things from now on. Whatever you missed while you were living, I will gaze at them lovingly for you, so that you will feel joy in your heart while you are there, in heaven, waiting for us.
And don’t worry about ChangMin… these eyes will see to it that he will be happy and protected, like you always wanted him to be.
I will never never know what I did to deserve this gift, but thank you, my friend.
There had been two deaths JunSu had learned of in the past week, and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that he felt more bothered about SolMin’s sudden and violent demise. Almost everyone in campus had been gossiping about Shim ChangMin’s sister, speculating as to why she had died in such manner. He was disgusted at the rumors that she had been involved in an underground society selling drugs and weapons, that she had been an assassin, and that she deserved what had happened to her.
You all shut up.
“Poor ChangMin. He didn’t know what his sister has been up to all this time.”
“I wonder how he’s feeling now, knowing that his sister has been involved in illegal operations all this time!”
“I don’t think Shim ChangMin is innocent. I’m sure he knows something.”
I said, shut your mouths.
“What made you say that?”
“He’s always been living comfortably… and he doesn’t have a mother or a father. His sister’s probably supporting him with blood money, and it’s impossible for him not to know that!”
“Hmm… well, that’s possible.”
“Well it’s a good thing that she’s dead, somewhat.”
“Yeah. Criminals like her…”
“SHUT UP!” Kim JunSu yelled from the back of the room. The pencil he had been holding in his hand had snapped into two, and the sharp wood chips dug into his skin. Blood dripped on the paper he was drawing on.
“JunSu-yah! Your hand!”
You do not have the right to talk about her like that. You know nothing about her.
His classmates stared at him in horror as he wiped his bloodied hand on his shirt, picked up his things and walked out of the room without a word. The professor had called him back, but he didn’t so much as look back.
Hiding inside the men’s room, he took out a fresh pen and continued sketching furiously, crying silently because he couldn’t draw her the way he used to. It’s as if he had forgotten how she looked like so suddenly, and the pain in his hand wasn’t helping how it moved, either.
Noona… it’s not true, isn’t it? I believe in you. It’s not true.
“It’s not true,” JunSu said to himself. “It’s not true.”
YooChun was frustrated. He was not able to attend SolMin’s funeral because he had to stay in the hospital to recover after his operation. He had wanted to see SolMin’s face for the first and last time, but even that chance wasn’t given to him. Only AiLing had gone to SolMin’s wake to pay her last respects.
He groaned. He had been trying to create a flower arrangement fit for SolMin. He didn’t think the colors and sizes of the flowers matched, the plastic looked dreary, and the bow he had made didn’t look quite right.
“YooChun-ah… is everything alright?” AiLing asked. She had been watching him for the past hour and could feel the frustration in his movements.
YooChun sighed, “I’ve been blind for so long… I can’t function well now that I can see. Isn’t that funny?”
“No…” AiLing shook her head, “I understand.”
“I wanna make SolMin a nice bouquet… and I can’t get it right.”
AiLing smiled, “You’re too focused on your hands… and you’re to conscious of how things look like, unlike before, your hands moved freely.” She walked towards him and kissed YooChun’s cheek, “Why don’t you try doing this with your eyes closed?”
“You think that will work?”
“Just try…” AiLIng said, “Try to be blind again for a few minutes. You said SolMin loved what you made for her all the time.”
Sighing, YooChun closed his eyes and felt for the flowers on the counter in front of him. He remembered how he worked before, feeling the stems and the leaves and knowing which flower is which from their textures, from their smells. He worked on instinct, placing flowers at random and then wrapping them in plastic, afterwards tying it up with a ribbon.
“That was fast…” AiLing said with a smile. YooChun opened his eyes and stared at the bouquet he just made. He frowned and looked up at AiLing, “This was what I’ve been making for her all this time?”
“I guess so…”
“It’s not at all beautiful.”
“Who are you to say that she didn’t find it beautiful?”
YooChun shook his head, “I’m looking at it with her eyes now… and I don’t find it impressive.” He sighed, “I’ve been making her crap all this time.”
AiLing embraced him from behind and kissed a spot on his back. “Maybe it doesn’t matter to her… maybe it’s being around here with you that matters more.”
Feat. TVXQ
Rating: NC-17 for violence, cursing, some sexuality
T W E N T Y - T H R E E
His eyes were too sore and tired that even closing them to try to catch some sleep hurt. It has been three days, and he had never felt so empty, even when friends came to console him with hugs and words and grand flower arrangements. No hug ever felt as warm, no words as comforting, and no flowers could ever remind him of the beauty he had known as SolMin.
It still pained him not to know a shadow of a motive behind his sister’s death. It pained him to think that she had been suffering all this time, when he was enclosed in her embrace.
The night came again, and he cursed under his breath, feeling his heart cramp at the thought of trying to sleep and feeling little needles in his eyes. Everyone had already left, bringing silence upon the room.
ChangMin stared at the photograph of his sister in the middle of the room. She was smiling widely at the person who took the photo. Him. She always smiled at him. That was the reason why he always wore a smile that never waivered. She taught him that.
Tonight will be the last night he’ll be wearing mourning clothes. Tomorrow, he’ll be holding what she’ll be reduced to after the ceremony is over. Ashes.
He turned his back at the picture and curled up like a fetus in a corner. He closed his eyes and took in all the little needles in his eyes. This is your punishment for being so ignorant, Shim ChangMin. How could you not know? How could you let her suffer?
“ChangMin,” a familiar voice echoed in his ear.
He curled up even more, “Get out of here. I’ve already mourned for you.”
“Your father wishes-”
“I do not have a father,” ChangMin said, looking up with swollen eyes that looked to YunHo as if they were on fire. “Now get out.”
YunHo bowed to him and stole a glance at SolMin’s photograph. “Your sister wouldn’t want you to be like this…”
“What would she want then? For me to rejoice at her passing?”
“What I mean is…”
“You don’t know what she is to me.”
“I know what you are to her,” YunHo said, suddenly shutting ChangMin’s defenses down. “And I know what she wants for you.”
Kim JaeJoong polished the last inch of his gun’s nozzle and stared at his reflection on it. There were still bruises on his face, but what hurt most were the wounds that he couldn’t see.
Kim JaeJoong, you loser… where were you when she needed you?
He wondered where Jung YunHo was too, at the moment of SolMin’s fall. He’d heard that SolMin fought alone, and there was no way in hell she could’ve survived that assault. Closing his eyes, he cringed at images of SolMin wearing her own blood against her skin, defeated and lifeless. He couldn’t decide whether he was lucky not to have been there to see how it all ended, or if he was such a useless bastard to have been absent at her time of need.
Never for an instant had he thought of anyone else who could’ve done this. It’s just Shim JungShin and no one else.
Clutching his gun against his chest, he whispered a prayer for his beloved SolMin, and decided that today will be the day JungShin got what he deserved. A bullet in between his cold, cruel eyes.
Tears escaped from YooChun’s eyes freely when the bandages were removed that day, not because of an irritation or pain, but because he already knew whose gift of light he received. He looked around and saw blurred faces that eventually grew a bit sharper as he blinked and let the tears stream down his cheeks.
“Oppa…” YooRi said, sobbing and holding his hand, “It’s me, YooRi.”
YooChun smiled, “God, look at how you’ve grown…” he said as his sister threw her arms around him and called out his name over and over. He embraced her tightly and sobbed, “I feel like I’ve been away for so long…”
A gentle hand held on to YooChun’s as he still locked YooRi in his arms, “YooChun-ah…”
I know that voice. YooChun closed his eyes and clutched her hand. It was warm and comforting as always.
“YooChun-ah… look at me…” AiLing said, her free hand touching YooChun’s face, wiping his tears gently. “Look at me...”
YooChun opened his eyes slowly and gazed at AiLing’s face. He smiled, his eyes sparkling with tears, “You’re as beautiful as I imagined you would be…”
“I will try to find her, YooChun. I promise…”
“SolMin-ah…” YooChun whispered, remembering his friend. He will be seeing the world with her eyes from now on, with eyes he always imagined as warm and loving, although sad.
Thank you, SolMin. I will never know why you chose to leave this world so soon, but I will promise you this: These eyes will see beautiful things from now on. Whatever you missed while you were living, I will gaze at them lovingly for you, so that you will feel joy in your heart while you are there, in heaven, waiting for us.
And don’t worry about ChangMin… these eyes will see to it that he will be happy and protected, like you always wanted him to be.
I will never never know what I did to deserve this gift, but thank you, my friend.
There had been two deaths JunSu had learned of in the past week, and it didn’t come as a surprise to him that he felt more bothered about SolMin’s sudden and violent demise. Almost everyone in campus had been gossiping about Shim ChangMin’s sister, speculating as to why she had died in such manner. He was disgusted at the rumors that she had been involved in an underground society selling drugs and weapons, that she had been an assassin, and that she deserved what had happened to her.
You all shut up.
“Poor ChangMin. He didn’t know what his sister has been up to all this time.”
“I wonder how he’s feeling now, knowing that his sister has been involved in illegal operations all this time!”
“I don’t think Shim ChangMin is innocent. I’m sure he knows something.”
I said, shut your mouths.
“What made you say that?”
“He’s always been living comfortably… and he doesn’t have a mother or a father. His sister’s probably supporting him with blood money, and it’s impossible for him not to know that!”
“Hmm… well, that’s possible.”
“Well it’s a good thing that she’s dead, somewhat.”
“Yeah. Criminals like her…”
“SHUT UP!” Kim JunSu yelled from the back of the room. The pencil he had been holding in his hand had snapped into two, and the sharp wood chips dug into his skin. Blood dripped on the paper he was drawing on.
“JunSu-yah! Your hand!”
You do not have the right to talk about her like that. You know nothing about her.
His classmates stared at him in horror as he wiped his bloodied hand on his shirt, picked up his things and walked out of the room without a word. The professor had called him back, but he didn’t so much as look back.
Hiding inside the men’s room, he took out a fresh pen and continued sketching furiously, crying silently because he couldn’t draw her the way he used to. It’s as if he had forgotten how she looked like so suddenly, and the pain in his hand wasn’t helping how it moved, either.
Noona… it’s not true, isn’t it? I believe in you. It’s not true.
“It’s not true,” JunSu said to himself. “It’s not true.”
YooChun was frustrated. He was not able to attend SolMin’s funeral because he had to stay in the hospital to recover after his operation. He had wanted to see SolMin’s face for the first and last time, but even that chance wasn’t given to him. Only AiLing had gone to SolMin’s wake to pay her last respects.
He groaned. He had been trying to create a flower arrangement fit for SolMin. He didn’t think the colors and sizes of the flowers matched, the plastic looked dreary, and the bow he had made didn’t look quite right.
“YooChun-ah… is everything alright?” AiLing asked. She had been watching him for the past hour and could feel the frustration in his movements.
YooChun sighed, “I’ve been blind for so long… I can’t function well now that I can see. Isn’t that funny?”
“No…” AiLing shook her head, “I understand.”
“I wanna make SolMin a nice bouquet… and I can’t get it right.”
AiLing smiled, “You’re too focused on your hands… and you’re to conscious of how things look like, unlike before, your hands moved freely.” She walked towards him and kissed YooChun’s cheek, “Why don’t you try doing this with your eyes closed?”
“You think that will work?”
“Just try…” AiLIng said, “Try to be blind again for a few minutes. You said SolMin loved what you made for her all the time.”
Sighing, YooChun closed his eyes and felt for the flowers on the counter in front of him. He remembered how he worked before, feeling the stems and the leaves and knowing which flower is which from their textures, from their smells. He worked on instinct, placing flowers at random and then wrapping them in plastic, afterwards tying it up with a ribbon.
“That was fast…” AiLing said with a smile. YooChun opened his eyes and stared at the bouquet he just made. He frowned and looked up at AiLing, “This was what I’ve been making for her all this time?”
“I guess so…”
“It’s not at all beautiful.”
“Who are you to say that she didn’t find it beautiful?”
YooChun shook his head, “I’m looking at it with her eyes now… and I don’t find it impressive.” He sighed, “I’ve been making her crap all this time.”
AiLing embraced him from behind and kissed a spot on his back. “Maybe it doesn’t matter to her… maybe it’s being around here with you that matters more.”