you guys remember me? - transsexuality, status, what I've gone through.
so woooow, it's been what, almost a year since I've posted here. I'm sure you guys don't even remember me. I was that jrock-interested oshare kei/visual kei-inspired person, who adored cute stuff and wrote about light, happy things. while I wrote, I was severely depressed actually, and got hospitalized due to that. do you guys remember me?
anyway, I just wanted to update here. tell you guys how I am, and what I've been doing in the meantime I wasn't around here. also, the things I'm into now, and what kind of genres I like, both music-wise and fashion-wise.
the thing is... I don't know if you guys remember, but I never said what gender I was, because I was so afraid and felt horrible in my own body. but the thing is... I've come to terms with my gender. my identity. I am not female, despite what my body says.
I AM A BOY.
I'm transsexual. always been identifying as male, ever since I was 11 or so. I'm 18 now. I've gone through long phases of dressing girly, and I've realized that no matter what's inside the mind, it does not always show up on what's on the outside. a BOY can still dress girly, and still be completely comfortable in his own gender. but though, I was surpressing myself back then. I still like girly things, like decoden and I still love fabulous dresses and cotton candy-pink. I don't feel like I'm not allowed to dress in pink, because life's too short to care about things like that. it's what's inside your mind that matters. and I am SURE; I am indeed a BOY, and nothing else. I came out as a transsexual boy in soon two months ago. my closest friends knew it before, though.
and NO; being transsexual is not a fad, not a fashion, nor a mental disease. but it makes you suffer great dysphoria for sure... it has done that to me for years now, and I'm still not okay with my gender. I just wish I was born the way I should have meant to be born.
but I'm working on masculizing my body, through exercising, swimming and training. I can't wait to end up with the body I've wanted for so many years.
I'm starting on Tribulus this year, a natural testosteron booster, and hope to get the best out of it. in the next few years, I should be able to start up on testosteron injections, and getting top surgery (<- cut off my breasts, to achieve a flat chest).
but enough about that.
so last time I wrote, my boyfriend had just broken up with me. in more than a week, it's a year ago. in the meantime, I've had 2 other lovers - one who was also transsexual, a female-to-male (like the one I wrote about when I last was here), and then, my current boyfriend, whom I've been with for soon a month. I love him, and I live with him already, since we started out as roommates. <3 he's adorable, and supports me in every possible way he can. so YES, I am in a gay relationship, hahahah!
I've gone through phases of self-harm, weed-addiction, bulimia/anorexia periods, and psychotic periods. and now, I'm totally done with it all, or so I hope.
I'm being br00tally honest in everything I wrote here, I'm just as open as a book, and I'm not even afraid. :]
music-wise, I'm not really listening to Japanese rock and pop anymore. it sneaks in, occasionally, and happens from time to time. I listen to electronic music, like DJ CRACKRAT, Crystal Castles, and emo/rock. I especially like Saosin. hahahah.
fashion-wise.. I ADOOOOORE bright and colorful fashion, like new-rave-ish things. and retro. and 80's-like things. just anything bright and neon. I still love japanese fashion, but I don't really dress in it anymore. currently, my hair is black with a blue tone to it. I wear nerdy wayfarers/retro glasses everyday, and I'm mostly seen in neon colors and button-up shirts.
I hope you all are doing okay, and I have certainly not forgotten anyone of you. I really hope you will comment if you remember me, just saying "EY! I REMEMBER YOU!", hahahaha. :'D <3