(no subject)
I have seriously thought about everything in my life over the last few months. 2006 has gone by quicker then any year, and it probably seems that way because of all of time I wasted being hesitant to act on anything. I had many disappointments last year, I finished my 3 years of full-time education, which was a time that scared and excited me. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I finally had the time and freedom to do things that I'd wanted to do for years, like finding full-time work and moving to Nottingham. I applied for a lot of jobs, and I only managed to get one interview, which wasn't successful. I gave up applying for jobs, because I didn't feel like putting so much effort into an application when I knew I would be rejected. I was also going on holiday around October, which I used as an excuse to remain inactive, because I knew I would have difficulty getting a job when I had holidays booked. Everything that happened to me during that time left me feeling very depressed, and even towards the end of the year, I had difficulty recovering from it.
I had no work between the 20th of December and the 1st of January, which meant that after a few weeks of strugling to get used to have so less time, due to working, I had 2 weeks where I had a chance to rest and think. One thing that was glaringly obvious to me at the time, was that my life wasn't how I imagined it would be. I was too scared to talk to most people at work, and they all seemed to think I was a suicidal narcassist who despises human contact. There were a few people I could occassionally talk to comfortably, including one person who I used to go to college with, but I could tell they found me difficult to talk to, which made me feel uncomfortable. At the time we had our break rotas on the company's intranet, and I would often try to delay my break so that I wouldn't have to spend too much time on my own with them, because it was always easier with more people there, because there would be no awkward silences. During late december I decided that there were aspects of myself I need to improve, but I refused to label them new-years resolutions. I decided I had to become more sociable and open up to people more (as well as getting hair like a Hyper Techno Waros, but thats not important). To prove that they weren't new years resolutions, I decided I would spend the month of January being anti-social and short-tempered, but it actually turned out to be a month of quiet reflection, broken by occassional bouts of rushing to complete my college assignments, which ended up lasting to the end of Febuary. I also started reading the Taoist texts again. I read Chuang Tsu, and after over a year of having many doubts and being unable to understand Taoism, which I once felt a great connection with, I understood it all clearly. I was taking it too literally before, but I was able to see how it all applied to me. Through reading Chuang Tsu and everything else that had happened to me, I've realised been able to realise many things, the most important being that I have let Social Anxiety inhibit my life for far too long, and I've allowed myself to miss out on many things I shouldn't of.
I've been a Taoist for many years and one Taoist concept that I've always trusted in, but never really given much thought to is the concept of an innate nature (e.g. PU/The Uncarved Block). Taoists believe that if we can live by the simplicity of our nature, will we gain happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately external influences lead us to lose our nature, which prevents us from ever being happy with ourselves, and also robs the world of something great. Confucians also had a similar concept. Confucians believed that all people were good by nature. Most people forgot who they were, and strayed away from their nature, but by keeping within the rules of society, they remained good people, whilst others became merciless bandits. Many people believed that those bandits would one day wake up, remember who they were, and go back to being themselves. I had a very similar experience around January. I woke up and realised that I haven't been myself for a very long time, because I had let fear rule my life. I may not have been a merciless bandit, but I wasn't living the life I should of been. I was very unhappy, in a agency job that seemed to have no future, with people I was scared to approach, and I was still no closer to finding love. I had always hoped that when I was 22 I would be in an interesting job, surrounded by people I felt comfortable with, in a city more exciting then the tiny village I'm in now, with someone I love more then anything else. It really depressed me, but not for too long.
I could clearly see that very people knew the real me, mostly because I've been too scared to show it to anyone for years. I've always known that my fear of looking too vulnerable resulted in people viewing me as uncaring, cold and distant, but when you spend you entire life being rejected and hated, you eventually give up and settle for a comfortable, but joyless life without the thrill of new friendship or relationships. Without realising it I refuse to answer personal questions, or even trivial questions (e.g. what a did the night before/over the weekend), becasue I'm so scared of being judged. After seeing one of my main problems clearly I felt ecstatic for the first time in months, but it didn't last, because my way of thinking has become so deeply ingrained that I fall back into my Anxious habits with no control over it. I still can't get over my fear of appearing too vulnerable or standing out, and I can now see that there is no quick solution to it. I was hoping that I would of sorted everything out by spring, so that I could enjoy summer without any anxiety, but its going to take much longer then that.
As I mentioned in my previous post, my Social Anxiety has fluctuated madly, and I'm not much closer to overcoming it, but its not all that bad. I spent a long time thinking about my problems, and realised many things about myself, and I become depressed about a month ago, because there wasn't really anything else to learn at the time, and I had to start the difficult task of acting upon it. I've started following a CBT book, which has helped me recognise a lot of the destructive patterns of thinking and habits I've adopted over the years. And although I still don't know who I am, I have a better idea know then ever before.
I realise that the part behind the LJ Cut makes me sound like an Emo Girl, but I don't care, because I need to vent out all the frustrations I've felt over the last few years.
I was very happy for a while, because I had my friends and some at work to talk to regularly, and even though I was in a low paid job, just having time to think and enjoying have time off was enough to satisfy me, but everything changed last week. My friend from the Agency and I have worked at the same company since around November 05 and he left of Friday, to teach English in Italy. During that time we both managed to survive many waves of people being laid off. We stayed there so long that they had to renew our contracts with the Agency (and they didn't employ us directly for various reasons). Many times over the 7 month period there were times when work seemed to be dwindling, and we were scared of either being laid off, or transferred to the other building. Somehow we always got a new source of work (e.g. mail orders from news paper offers or mail that needed to be opened by us, because the main department in the south had too much work) shortly after we were prepared to go home, but by the 15th of June, there were no more mail orders to enter, and despite their attempts to find us more work to do, it never lasted long, and last Tuesday, the day we had been expecting for a long time had come. There was no work to do, other then going back on the phones. After a few hours the supervisor took me off the phones, and into the room where people get taken into when they are getting sacked/transferred. She asked me if I would be prepared to leave the Agency to work for them, because they refused me earlier after telling them I might move around this time. I'm in no position to turn down a steady source of income, so I accepted, but as I suspected they decided to transfer me to the other building until more work is available on my account. I hated being transferred, especially because of the timing, because the only real friend I have there was leaving a few days later, and I wouldn't be able to be there on his last day, and it seperated me from my crush, who I had only just started speaking to again, and who was leaving in just over a week (this Wednesday).
I've been there for almost a week, and everything about it is so differant. If it wasn't for the people who move between both buildings, e.g. the Technicians and response team, I would forget that I'm in the same part of the country, because the other building is unreachable. I also had 4 days of training with one person, which is quite an uncomfortable experience, because they're there at all times. Being moved scared me more then anyone will be able to understand. I had grown to feel attatched and comfortable at the last department, and I was placed into unfamilliar settings with very short notice. Being seperated from the people I felt comfortable with, really upset me. I spent Wednesday evening walking around the park feeling depressed about the move. My friend, who I give a lift home to left without waiting for me on the Tuesday and Wednesday, so I thought they left. When I was able to get a message to them, and got to see them again, I felt so relieved, and hearing about what happened in my old department made me miss it.
Theres also the issue of the man I really like in the old department. He's leaving in 2 days time, and I want to see him more then anything else. I realised if I didn't find out what he thinks of me, I'll find it very difficult to get over it, and view it as a missed oppertunity. Now there isn't anything I can do to talk to him without me looking like a stalker. I could wait outside work for him on night (he's working lates this week) but people don't do that for people they've hardly talked to. I really need some form of closure, even if its finding out that its all in my head and every he's ever done for me was just to be polite, because I'll spend the every waking minute for the next 2 months wondering about it. If I ever get the chance to talk to him again, I'll have to admit to it, but it looks very doubtful that I'll go back within the next month, let alone with the next day, especially since they gave me an extra 4 days of training. I haven't believed in God for years, but I felt compelled to at least try to pray to something, and let incense whilst giving an offering, because the situation is out of my hands.
Things don't look too great now, but I'm not too worried. I often look back on events with rose-tinted glasses, but there have truly been some very happy times over the last few months. It feels as if its an end of an Era, that being a short Era of working, gaining more confidence and feeling socially comfortable after years of insecurity, as well as laughing and joking with friend, worrying about my future employment and being intrigued by the great man who at the very least seemed to think that I was worth talking to. It almost felt like being at school again, but everythings changed now. My friends leaving, my crush, who was a permanent employee is leaving, I'm becoming a permanent employee, and I was moved. All those changes were too much for to take at once, and I was saddened at not being able to witness the former 2, so it depressed me, but I'll get over it.
When I started working in November, I couldn't of predicted the happy times I've had over the last 6 months, so those kinds of happy times could appear anytime without me realising it. Although I still want to see the man I like, I know I'll get over it eventually, I just need some closure in the short term. I have a bad habbit of developing crushes too easilly (as evident by the fact that my current crush dispelled the obsessive crush I had since September), but I won't be able to overcome that problem with the worries I have now. I may still be alone but I'm in a much better situation then I was last year, because I now know that I must live my life without compromises. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not for the sake of other people, or my own fear, and I'm not going to be with someone I shouldn't be with in order to appease my lonliness, because its not fair to any of us. It takes great strength to live a life like that, or to be yourself, or to be a Taoist, so I'm going to dedicate the rest of the year, and however long is necessary, to developing that strength. Even if I don't get over the crush, it will be dispelled by the next one, so I'll just have to try hard to develope a new obbsessive desire for another man who doesn't realise I exist.
I had no work between the 20th of December and the 1st of January, which meant that after a few weeks of strugling to get used to have so less time, due to working, I had 2 weeks where I had a chance to rest and think. One thing that was glaringly obvious to me at the time, was that my life wasn't how I imagined it would be. I was too scared to talk to most people at work, and they all seemed to think I was a suicidal narcassist who despises human contact. There were a few people I could occassionally talk to comfortably, including one person who I used to go to college with, but I could tell they found me difficult to talk to, which made me feel uncomfortable. At the time we had our break rotas on the company's intranet, and I would often try to delay my break so that I wouldn't have to spend too much time on my own with them, because it was always easier with more people there, because there would be no awkward silences. During late december I decided that there were aspects of myself I need to improve, but I refused to label them new-years resolutions. I decided I had to become more sociable and open up to people more (as well as getting hair like a Hyper Techno Waros, but thats not important). To prove that they weren't new years resolutions, I decided I would spend the month of January being anti-social and short-tempered, but it actually turned out to be a month of quiet reflection, broken by occassional bouts of rushing to complete my college assignments, which ended up lasting to the end of Febuary. I also started reading the Taoist texts again. I read Chuang Tsu, and after over a year of having many doubts and being unable to understand Taoism, which I once felt a great connection with, I understood it all clearly. I was taking it too literally before, but I was able to see how it all applied to me. Through reading Chuang Tsu and everything else that had happened to me, I've realised been able to realise many things, the most important being that I have let Social Anxiety inhibit my life for far too long, and I've allowed myself to miss out on many things I shouldn't of.
I've been a Taoist for many years and one Taoist concept that I've always trusted in, but never really given much thought to is the concept of an innate nature (e.g. PU/The Uncarved Block). Taoists believe that if we can live by the simplicity of our nature, will we gain happiness and fulfillment. Unfortunately external influences lead us to lose our nature, which prevents us from ever being happy with ourselves, and also robs the world of something great. Confucians also had a similar concept. Confucians believed that all people were good by nature. Most people forgot who they were, and strayed away from their nature, but by keeping within the rules of society, they remained good people, whilst others became merciless bandits. Many people believed that those bandits would one day wake up, remember who they were, and go back to being themselves. I had a very similar experience around January. I woke up and realised that I haven't been myself for a very long time, because I had let fear rule my life. I may not have been a merciless bandit, but I wasn't living the life I should of been. I was very unhappy, in a agency job that seemed to have no future, with people I was scared to approach, and I was still no closer to finding love. I had always hoped that when I was 22 I would be in an interesting job, surrounded by people I felt comfortable with, in a city more exciting then the tiny village I'm in now, with someone I love more then anything else. It really depressed me, but not for too long.
I could clearly see that very people knew the real me, mostly because I've been too scared to show it to anyone for years. I've always known that my fear of looking too vulnerable resulted in people viewing me as uncaring, cold and distant, but when you spend you entire life being rejected and hated, you eventually give up and settle for a comfortable, but joyless life without the thrill of new friendship or relationships. Without realising it I refuse to answer personal questions, or even trivial questions (e.g. what a did the night before/over the weekend), becasue I'm so scared of being judged. After seeing one of my main problems clearly I felt ecstatic for the first time in months, but it didn't last, because my way of thinking has become so deeply ingrained that I fall back into my Anxious habits with no control over it. I still can't get over my fear of appearing too vulnerable or standing out, and I can now see that there is no quick solution to it. I was hoping that I would of sorted everything out by spring, so that I could enjoy summer without any anxiety, but its going to take much longer then that.
As I mentioned in my previous post, my Social Anxiety has fluctuated madly, and I'm not much closer to overcoming it, but its not all that bad. I spent a long time thinking about my problems, and realised many things about myself, and I become depressed about a month ago, because there wasn't really anything else to learn at the time, and I had to start the difficult task of acting upon it. I've started following a CBT book, which has helped me recognise a lot of the destructive patterns of thinking and habits I've adopted over the years. And although I still don't know who I am, I have a better idea know then ever before.
I realise that the part behind the LJ Cut makes me sound like an Emo Girl, but I don't care, because I need to vent out all the frustrations I've felt over the last few years.
I was very happy for a while, because I had my friends and some at work to talk to regularly, and even though I was in a low paid job, just having time to think and enjoying have time off was enough to satisfy me, but everything changed last week. My friend from the Agency and I have worked at the same company since around November 05 and he left of Friday, to teach English in Italy. During that time we both managed to survive many waves of people being laid off. We stayed there so long that they had to renew our contracts with the Agency (and they didn't employ us directly for various reasons). Many times over the 7 month period there were times when work seemed to be dwindling, and we were scared of either being laid off, or transferred to the other building. Somehow we always got a new source of work (e.g. mail orders from news paper offers or mail that needed to be opened by us, because the main department in the south had too much work) shortly after we were prepared to go home, but by the 15th of June, there were no more mail orders to enter, and despite their attempts to find us more work to do, it never lasted long, and last Tuesday, the day we had been expecting for a long time had come. There was no work to do, other then going back on the phones. After a few hours the supervisor took me off the phones, and into the room where people get taken into when they are getting sacked/transferred. She asked me if I would be prepared to leave the Agency to work for them, because they refused me earlier after telling them I might move around this time. I'm in no position to turn down a steady source of income, so I accepted, but as I suspected they decided to transfer me to the other building until more work is available on my account. I hated being transferred, especially because of the timing, because the only real friend I have there was leaving a few days later, and I wouldn't be able to be there on his last day, and it seperated me from my crush, who I had only just started speaking to again, and who was leaving in just over a week (this Wednesday).
I've been there for almost a week, and everything about it is so differant. If it wasn't for the people who move between both buildings, e.g. the Technicians and response team, I would forget that I'm in the same part of the country, because the other building is unreachable. I also had 4 days of training with one person, which is quite an uncomfortable experience, because they're there at all times. Being moved scared me more then anyone will be able to understand. I had grown to feel attatched and comfortable at the last department, and I was placed into unfamilliar settings with very short notice. Being seperated from the people I felt comfortable with, really upset me. I spent Wednesday evening walking around the park feeling depressed about the move. My friend, who I give a lift home to left without waiting for me on the Tuesday and Wednesday, so I thought they left. When I was able to get a message to them, and got to see them again, I felt so relieved, and hearing about what happened in my old department made me miss it.
Theres also the issue of the man I really like in the old department. He's leaving in 2 days time, and I want to see him more then anything else. I realised if I didn't find out what he thinks of me, I'll find it very difficult to get over it, and view it as a missed oppertunity. Now there isn't anything I can do to talk to him without me looking like a stalker. I could wait outside work for him on night (he's working lates this week) but people don't do that for people they've hardly talked to. I really need some form of closure, even if its finding out that its all in my head and every he's ever done for me was just to be polite, because I'll spend the every waking minute for the next 2 months wondering about it. If I ever get the chance to talk to him again, I'll have to admit to it, but it looks very doubtful that I'll go back within the next month, let alone with the next day, especially since they gave me an extra 4 days of training. I haven't believed in God for years, but I felt compelled to at least try to pray to something, and let incense whilst giving an offering, because the situation is out of my hands.
Things don't look too great now, but I'm not too worried. I often look back on events with rose-tinted glasses, but there have truly been some very happy times over the last few months. It feels as if its an end of an Era, that being a short Era of working, gaining more confidence and feeling socially comfortable after years of insecurity, as well as laughing and joking with friend, worrying about my future employment and being intrigued by the great man who at the very least seemed to think that I was worth talking to. It almost felt like being at school again, but everythings changed now. My friends leaving, my crush, who was a permanent employee is leaving, I'm becoming a permanent employee, and I was moved. All those changes were too much for to take at once, and I was saddened at not being able to witness the former 2, so it depressed me, but I'll get over it.
When I started working in November, I couldn't of predicted the happy times I've had over the last 6 months, so those kinds of happy times could appear anytime without me realising it. Although I still want to see the man I like, I know I'll get over it eventually, I just need some closure in the short term. I have a bad habbit of developing crushes too easilly (as evident by the fact that my current crush dispelled the obsessive crush I had since September), but I won't be able to overcome that problem with the worries I have now. I may still be alone but I'm in a much better situation then I was last year, because I now know that I must live my life without compromises. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not for the sake of other people, or my own fear, and I'm not going to be with someone I shouldn't be with in order to appease my lonliness, because its not fair to any of us. It takes great strength to live a life like that, or to be yourself, or to be a Taoist, so I'm going to dedicate the rest of the year, and however long is necessary, to developing that strength. Even if I don't get over the crush, it will be dispelled by the next one, so I'll just have to try hard to develope a new obbsessive desire for another man who doesn't realise I exist.