Family
I'm jealous of people who have them. Jealous to the point of breaking down, actually. My father died and my mother is...my mother. I don't know how to describe her any other way. I don't denounce her...I just can't stand her a lot of the time. I suppose I never really had a family growing up, and now more than ever, I see the result of that. My home has been broken for as long as I remember, from the very first time my father denied me. I was too young to really get it at the time, though. I even remember quoting Will Smith from the fresh prince of bel-air when he did it in front of the judge, but at the time I couldn't have known. I was never close to him anyway.
If you don't want to read this, you don't have to. I'm not looking for sympathy or a shoulder to cry on really. Just putting into words what's hard to keep inside is all. Don't mind this entry. It's more for me than anyone else. And I'm not cutting this so please don't ask. Just skip over to your next friend.
I'm envious of all my friends who have good relationships with their parents. Fathers in particular. I never had that father figure in my life to teach me things. My own father wouldn't even teach me how to shave or tie a tie. I still learned...though I admit I still am not good at either -_- I never got the chance to ask my father what he saw in my mother. And I don't think I want to know anymore. My mother always told me that my father wasn't always the way he was when I was born, but it doesn't change the fact that he was that way when I was born.
I think it really hit me while I was at Shiya's how depressed and sad I get when it comes to family. I'm not mexican or anything, not that I have to be to appreciate what I saw while I was there, before and after Andrew came over, but I just wish I had that kinda situation where my parents would sit down and discuss things the way hers did. She thinks her mom is too hard on her and overprotective...and to a point she's right, but I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. My mom lets me do whatever I want pretty much, so long as I am not hurting myself or others in the process. She doesn't call me or anything like that though; not nearly as much as Shiya's mom did. It's annoying ya...but she loves her daughter with all that she is. Sometimes she has the oddest way of showing it, but I saw it. Shiya knows it, too. I wish I had that, really. I wish I had siblings to protect like Liz does, or dogs that bug the hell out of me like Shiya's dogs do. No matter what they do, you know they love you and will always be happy to see you. I hate being on the outside of that. At the end of the day, I sit here typing on my computer to people who, while im typing to them, care about me, but when I'm gone, forget about me. It's just a matter of who's more important in their lives. I haven't heard from casual villain in so long i've forgotten her real name. I think highly of people who pretty much talk to me on a need to talk to basis or out of boredom. I guess there are just certain things that I've accepted and those are a few of them.
I wanna tell someone that I can't hang out with them that day because I have my little brothers and sisters to watch, or that it's a special occasion because my father got a promotion that will put our family into a much higher tax bracket. I wanna call off work because my mother is not feeling well and I have to take care of her. I want to feel like I'm actually part of a family. Of something that is meaningful and can't be bought. I want to call home and cry to my mother that I miss her. I can't because when I do, odds are she won't be here. No one would be here to answer my call. My mom wonders why i changed my flight back 4 times. She told me she didn't think I was gonna come back from california, and the reason is because of Shiya's family. For the first time in years...for the first time since i was 11 years old, ten years ago, I felt welcomed somewhere. I felt that from complete strangers who knew nothing about me at all, but allowed me to come into their home and treated me as if i was one of their own. I wanted to hold on to that as long as I can. Everyday that shiya told me she'd miss me, it made me want to stay that much longer. Everyday her mom asked me to help out with the dogs, I actually liked it. Her mom probably wouldn't get it nor would Shiya, but It meant a lot to me that she asked me to do something to help around the house. I cling to my friends for this reason. I cling to my friends because I want to belong somewhere. It hasn't worked yet, but I guess if I don't succeed, I'll just have to keep on trying. Hopefully one day I'll find those people who can accept me as I am, which is simply a broken person who's made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people in the process. A person who is paying for his mistakes and sins and betrayals by leading the life he does now and trying to be better. Meh...at least it seems to be working a little. But only time will tell, I suppose.
If you don't want to read this, you don't have to. I'm not looking for sympathy or a shoulder to cry on really. Just putting into words what's hard to keep inside is all. Don't mind this entry. It's more for me than anyone else. And I'm not cutting this so please don't ask. Just skip over to your next friend.
I'm envious of all my friends who have good relationships with their parents. Fathers in particular. I never had that father figure in my life to teach me things. My own father wouldn't even teach me how to shave or tie a tie. I still learned...though I admit I still am not good at either -_- I never got the chance to ask my father what he saw in my mother. And I don't think I want to know anymore. My mother always told me that my father wasn't always the way he was when I was born, but it doesn't change the fact that he was that way when I was born.
I think it really hit me while I was at Shiya's how depressed and sad I get when it comes to family. I'm not mexican or anything, not that I have to be to appreciate what I saw while I was there, before and after Andrew came over, but I just wish I had that kinda situation where my parents would sit down and discuss things the way hers did. She thinks her mom is too hard on her and overprotective...and to a point she's right, but I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. My mom lets me do whatever I want pretty much, so long as I am not hurting myself or others in the process. She doesn't call me or anything like that though; not nearly as much as Shiya's mom did. It's annoying ya...but she loves her daughter with all that she is. Sometimes she has the oddest way of showing it, but I saw it. Shiya knows it, too. I wish I had that, really. I wish I had siblings to protect like Liz does, or dogs that bug the hell out of me like Shiya's dogs do. No matter what they do, you know they love you and will always be happy to see you. I hate being on the outside of that. At the end of the day, I sit here typing on my computer to people who, while im typing to them, care about me, but when I'm gone, forget about me. It's just a matter of who's more important in their lives. I haven't heard from casual villain in so long i've forgotten her real name. I think highly of people who pretty much talk to me on a need to talk to basis or out of boredom. I guess there are just certain things that I've accepted and those are a few of them.
I wanna tell someone that I can't hang out with them that day because I have my little brothers and sisters to watch, or that it's a special occasion because my father got a promotion that will put our family into a much higher tax bracket. I wanna call off work because my mother is not feeling well and I have to take care of her. I want to feel like I'm actually part of a family. Of something that is meaningful and can't be bought. I want to call home and cry to my mother that I miss her. I can't because when I do, odds are she won't be here. No one would be here to answer my call. My mom wonders why i changed my flight back 4 times. She told me she didn't think I was gonna come back from california, and the reason is because of Shiya's family. For the first time in years...for the first time since i was 11 years old, ten years ago, I felt welcomed somewhere. I felt that from complete strangers who knew nothing about me at all, but allowed me to come into their home and treated me as if i was one of their own. I wanted to hold on to that as long as I can. Everyday that shiya told me she'd miss me, it made me want to stay that much longer. Everyday her mom asked me to help out with the dogs, I actually liked it. Her mom probably wouldn't get it nor would Shiya, but It meant a lot to me that she asked me to do something to help around the house. I cling to my friends for this reason. I cling to my friends because I want to belong somewhere. It hasn't worked yet, but I guess if I don't succeed, I'll just have to keep on trying. Hopefully one day I'll find those people who can accept me as I am, which is simply a broken person who's made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people in the process. A person who is paying for his mistakes and sins and betrayals by leading the life he does now and trying to be better. Meh...at least it seems to be working a little. But only time will tell, I suppose.