Happy Monday
And today it is a happy Monday. It was a happy Sunday too.
So...Andy and I went to church last night, and it was a good service. The guest speaker was something that I think we both were encouraged by. And after dinner we went to Denny's (cause we got out of church at like 11!) but we talked. Well we talked the whole way to church, and then the way home too, but we really talked at Denny's. And I didn't lie, when he asked me about the week, I told him everything...that I cried...alot...how my roomies responded and how it hurt...and how you were the advice that I heard...how I finally on Sat came to see that if I had to let us go to let God find him then I would be ok with that...I didn't hold my feelings back...and he was honest in his responses too...he appreciated some of the time to himself....he thought about me, but his week was a lot less stressed because he wasn't consumed with me, well rather "us" and worrying about what was going on...he's still got a lot of random stresses and he's dealing with them on his own...like I am with mine...but it was good...and honest...and real. But we laughed and joked and it was only awkward from the house to the car...and then I had my best friend back...or at least the openess to tell it like it is with my best friend and be real aspect back.
We decided that we aren't really even going to call this a break. Cause that is just not the connotation that we really mean we are in. That it is definately not about other people, and we don't want it to be. But that we are just going to take this time to focus on Krystle and Andy as best friends in our relationship and opposed to Krystle and Andy the couple...and leave it at that. So we are still taking our time apart to do our thing and to really be who we are individually so that we can bring somthing new and better to us together. But we are still in a relationship, just a different phase than we were in, because we both still agree that we need something different. However all of the rules of a relationship are still in full effect and apply.
I came to realize that we are maybe a little bit too familiar and a little bit too comfortable for our own good. On a lot of levels. Verbally, physically, emoitionly....the old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is totally true. Andy and I lost a lot of who we were when we morphed into eachother and that's all we did. So we are going back to ourselves a little. And this is both of us...not just him and his time. I realized how much I need me and my time too. We kinda lost that element of fun and were starting to take everything a little too seriously.
But I really have a huge peace about the whole situation. I mean we are really still taking this whole thing one week at a time. We might just need to be best friends for a month. And hang out on the weekends....I don't know. But the part that I do know is that it's the best friend part of our RELATIONSHIP, and we decided that together, and I know he is not going to go looking for fulfillment in other ways other places.
I was proud though...I did tell him that I am not going to let him have his cake and eat it too, and that I would not and am not going to just let myself get carried away and walk back into the place we were just beacause the opportunity presents itself. I am speaking mostly physically...but also just in a togetherness term...but that we both have to respect where we are. And that nothing is going to be fixed by the minute we decide we need a little love, or the opportunity presents itself for us to be ultra comfortable we take advantage of it and abuse it...because I told him that this sorta is a selfish time on his part. And that is obvious, and he agrees, but I assured him that this last week I saw my opportunity to be a little selfish as well...and I intend to do that. I am not going to show myself willing at everylast opportunity...and I might draw a line, and turn him down...and he has to accept that. And we did and it was ok. Last night was a perfect example. We left Denny's and went to his house...he asked me to come up and watch a movie and I did. (Part of me says maybe that was too much, but I felt it was ok) But even then...it was the perfect opportunity for us to slip right back into that place where it was so comfortable that it didn't matter, and where we almost lose respect for eachother in our expectations...but I really don't think we did. I mean he kissed me, and it was the first time in a long time that I felt the kiss in my whole body, but that was it. That was all we did, kissed a little and that was it. I honestly felt like I was 15 again, laying next to a boy I liked and had no idea what to do. It was great. And then we were getting tired and he was like you can just stay here. And I told him I couldn't, and I wouldn't. And he got up walked me out and I left. I didn't say I love you. I don't need to. He knows I do and I think that maybe I may have even become to familiar with that....so overall it was good. And I might not see him until next Sunday. And that is ok. And I am not worried about what is going to happen in his life between now and Sunday....and that might be our pattern for a bit.
I did tell him that no matter what I REFUSE to lose him like we lost Erin Hogan. I told him that no matter what happens to me and him as boyfriend and girlfriend, that I know that there is a greater responsibility I have in the kingdom for his name...and I am going to own up to that responsibility. And he agreed and said he wasn't done growing in the Lord alone, or together.
He did say that a week was enough to make him realize that he doesn't like to live without me and it was weird for him. He did open his phone several times to call me and then realized that he shouldn't. And he did say when I walked into the room last night he got that stomach dropping feeling when he saw me. And that it had been awhile for that feeling too. And that after feeling that he doesn't think that the break thing would ever be able to be that substantial....but the nice thing is....it doesn't have to be long. But I want it to be long enough that I feel like I am my best for myself, and then for him.
So overall I have a huge peace about it all. I know that God is really working on both of us right now...independently...before he is working on us together. My only obstacle is going to be not falling back into the familiar and just letting myself go when the opportunity presents itself. But I really feel like I can say its enough about me and I was up front about things enough that I won't do it. And I know it will be respected. That's something that we were missing, we let our comfort override our respect in some aspects...and we are starting again as best friends...and you have a lot of respect for you best friend...and their heart.
So...Andy and I went to church last night, and it was a good service. The guest speaker was something that I think we both were encouraged by. And after dinner we went to Denny's (cause we got out of church at like 11!) but we talked. Well we talked the whole way to church, and then the way home too, but we really talked at Denny's. And I didn't lie, when he asked me about the week, I told him everything...that I cried...alot...how my roomies responded and how it hurt...and how you were the advice that I heard...how I finally on Sat came to see that if I had to let us go to let God find him then I would be ok with that...I didn't hold my feelings back...and he was honest in his responses too...he appreciated some of the time to himself....he thought about me, but his week was a lot less stressed because he wasn't consumed with me, well rather "us" and worrying about what was going on...he's still got a lot of random stresses and he's dealing with them on his own...like I am with mine...but it was good...and honest...and real. But we laughed and joked and it was only awkward from the house to the car...and then I had my best friend back...or at least the openess to tell it like it is with my best friend and be real aspect back.
We decided that we aren't really even going to call this a break. Cause that is just not the connotation that we really mean we are in. That it is definately not about other people, and we don't want it to be. But that we are just going to take this time to focus on Krystle and Andy as best friends in our relationship and opposed to Krystle and Andy the couple...and leave it at that. So we are still taking our time apart to do our thing and to really be who we are individually so that we can bring somthing new and better to us together. But we are still in a relationship, just a different phase than we were in, because we both still agree that we need something different. However all of the rules of a relationship are still in full effect and apply.
I came to realize that we are maybe a little bit too familiar and a little bit too comfortable for our own good. On a lot of levels. Verbally, physically, emoitionly....the old saying that familiarity breeds contempt is totally true. Andy and I lost a lot of who we were when we morphed into eachother and that's all we did. So we are going back to ourselves a little. And this is both of us...not just him and his time. I realized how much I need me and my time too. We kinda lost that element of fun and were starting to take everything a little too seriously.
But I really have a huge peace about the whole situation. I mean we are really still taking this whole thing one week at a time. We might just need to be best friends for a month. And hang out on the weekends....I don't know. But the part that I do know is that it's the best friend part of our RELATIONSHIP, and we decided that together, and I know he is not going to go looking for fulfillment in other ways other places.
I was proud though...I did tell him that I am not going to let him have his cake and eat it too, and that I would not and am not going to just let myself get carried away and walk back into the place we were just beacause the opportunity presents itself. I am speaking mostly physically...but also just in a togetherness term...but that we both have to respect where we are. And that nothing is going to be fixed by the minute we decide we need a little love, or the opportunity presents itself for us to be ultra comfortable we take advantage of it and abuse it...because I told him that this sorta is a selfish time on his part. And that is obvious, and he agrees, but I assured him that this last week I saw my opportunity to be a little selfish as well...and I intend to do that. I am not going to show myself willing at everylast opportunity...and I might draw a line, and turn him down...and he has to accept that. And we did and it was ok. Last night was a perfect example. We left Denny's and went to his house...he asked me to come up and watch a movie and I did. (Part of me says maybe that was too much, but I felt it was ok) But even then...it was the perfect opportunity for us to slip right back into that place where it was so comfortable that it didn't matter, and where we almost lose respect for eachother in our expectations...but I really don't think we did. I mean he kissed me, and it was the first time in a long time that I felt the kiss in my whole body, but that was it. That was all we did, kissed a little and that was it. I honestly felt like I was 15 again, laying next to a boy I liked and had no idea what to do. It was great. And then we were getting tired and he was like you can just stay here. And I told him I couldn't, and I wouldn't. And he got up walked me out and I left. I didn't say I love you. I don't need to. He knows I do and I think that maybe I may have even become to familiar with that....so overall it was good. And I might not see him until next Sunday. And that is ok. And I am not worried about what is going to happen in his life between now and Sunday....and that might be our pattern for a bit.
I did tell him that no matter what I REFUSE to lose him like we lost Erin Hogan. I told him that no matter what happens to me and him as boyfriend and girlfriend, that I know that there is a greater responsibility I have in the kingdom for his name...and I am going to own up to that responsibility. And he agreed and said he wasn't done growing in the Lord alone, or together.
He did say that a week was enough to make him realize that he doesn't like to live without me and it was weird for him. He did open his phone several times to call me and then realized that he shouldn't. And he did say when I walked into the room last night he got that stomach dropping feeling when he saw me. And that it had been awhile for that feeling too. And that after feeling that he doesn't think that the break thing would ever be able to be that substantial....but the nice thing is....it doesn't have to be long. But I want it to be long enough that I feel like I am my best for myself, and then for him.
So overall I have a huge peace about it all. I know that God is really working on both of us right now...independently...before he is working on us together. My only obstacle is going to be not falling back into the familiar and just letting myself go when the opportunity presents itself. But I really feel like I can say its enough about me and I was up front about things enough that I won't do it. And I know it will be respected. That's something that we were missing, we let our comfort override our respect in some aspects...and we are starting again as best friends...and you have a lot of respect for you best friend...and their heart.