Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living
I've been avoiding this thing for a while now, figure its about time to spill:
Lately-
My mood changes every 20 minutes. I feel alone but I want to push everyone away. I cry randomly; at home, work, wherever...
I smoke every night which has probably been bothering me the most. I used to occasionally smoke- at a party or something. Now, literally every night for around 3 weeks [I've lost all sense of time], I come home from work, call Kendra and whoever else, and we get high...realllly high. It used to be something I did for enjoyment, now, it's about the only enjoyment I have left. It puts me in a reallly good mood, my problems don't weigh so heavily, but I always wake up the next morning feeling worse than before. I'm a slacker, I rarely ever do anything even mildly productive. I signed up for school like 2 weeks ago [classes start in a week], I still haven't paid [I only have half the money I need], and I'm in no way prepared for it. I go to bed most nights anywhere between 3-5 a.m., wake up anywhere between 12:30-2:00 pm. My house gets dirty every single day and I can never keep it clean [which probably wouldn't upset most ppl but I'm a clean freak]. My job is slowly sucking the life out of me as well. There is no light @ the end of the tunnel there for me. All I have to look forward to is the same bullshit, day after day after day. I know it's just a job to pay the bills and sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy to get to where you want to be, but I've never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. All my money is gone. I have no more savings, which was always something I prided myself on. My money disappears to car bills, house bills, and all the useless shit I spend it on. I feel like I have no discipline anymore, nothing to keep me in line. I feel like I'm slowly crumbling apart, watching myself become nothing. Every day I have to force myself to see the good in things. I still have my family, one that cares for me very, very much. I feel distance between Allie and I. She's always gone, and I really don't blame her. This house used to feel like a haven to me, now it's just quiet, dark, and lonely [like it used to be]. Tears form in my eyes while I type this, thinking to myself...all of these things break my heart and hurt so bad, but what do I do? I need an instruction manual to life, "What To Do When You're Falling Apart From the Inside Out". Sometimes I get little bursts of optimism, but mostly I just convince myself to feel that way. I bought watercolor supplies and have yet to do anything w/ them. I feel inspired some days to do something great, or to even do something productive, but usually my laziness and Jerry Springer stop me. There is something gone but I don't feel like it's a person I'm missing, I feel like it's a piece of me that's gone and I'm so afraid I will never get it back. I comfort myself sometimes but convincing myself that "I'm just enjoying the last part of my summer, I'm living it up because once school starts, I will have no time for this"...and I'm sort of right. However, Allie brought this to my attention yesterday: Am I really going to be able to change my whole lifestyle in a week for the next 4 months? Am I really going to be able to resist having ppl over every night to smoke/drink, will I be able to wake up everyday at 7:00 a.m. instead of noon....I want to answer 'Yeah, no problem"...but I have always doubted myself and I feel like I'm watching a car wreck in slow motion, and it's only going to get worse.
"It's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it..."
Lately-
My mood changes every 20 minutes. I feel alone but I want to push everyone away. I cry randomly; at home, work, wherever...
I smoke every night which has probably been bothering me the most. I used to occasionally smoke- at a party or something. Now, literally every night for around 3 weeks [I've lost all sense of time], I come home from work, call Kendra and whoever else, and we get high...realllly high. It used to be something I did for enjoyment, now, it's about the only enjoyment I have left. It puts me in a reallly good mood, my problems don't weigh so heavily, but I always wake up the next morning feeling worse than before. I'm a slacker, I rarely ever do anything even mildly productive. I signed up for school like 2 weeks ago [classes start in a week], I still haven't paid [I only have half the money I need], and I'm in no way prepared for it. I go to bed most nights anywhere between 3-5 a.m., wake up anywhere between 12:30-2:00 pm. My house gets dirty every single day and I can never keep it clean [which probably wouldn't upset most ppl but I'm a clean freak]. My job is slowly sucking the life out of me as well. There is no light @ the end of the tunnel there for me. All I have to look forward to is the same bullshit, day after day after day. I know it's just a job to pay the bills and sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy to get to where you want to be, but I've never disliked a job as much as I dislike this one. All my money is gone. I have no more savings, which was always something I prided myself on. My money disappears to car bills, house bills, and all the useless shit I spend it on. I feel like I have no discipline anymore, nothing to keep me in line. I feel like I'm slowly crumbling apart, watching myself become nothing. Every day I have to force myself to see the good in things. I still have my family, one that cares for me very, very much. I feel distance between Allie and I. She's always gone, and I really don't blame her. This house used to feel like a haven to me, now it's just quiet, dark, and lonely [like it used to be]. Tears form in my eyes while I type this, thinking to myself...all of these things break my heart and hurt so bad, but what do I do? I need an instruction manual to life, "What To Do When You're Falling Apart From the Inside Out". Sometimes I get little bursts of optimism, but mostly I just convince myself to feel that way. I bought watercolor supplies and have yet to do anything w/ them. I feel inspired some days to do something great, or to even do something productive, but usually my laziness and Jerry Springer stop me. There is something gone but I don't feel like it's a person I'm missing, I feel like it's a piece of me that's gone and I'm so afraid I will never get it back. I comfort myself sometimes but convincing myself that "I'm just enjoying the last part of my summer, I'm living it up because once school starts, I will have no time for this"...and I'm sort of right. However, Allie brought this to my attention yesterday: Am I really going to be able to change my whole lifestyle in a week for the next 4 months? Am I really going to be able to resist having ppl over every night to smoke/drink, will I be able to wake up everyday at 7:00 a.m. instead of noon....I want to answer 'Yeah, no problem"...but I have always doubted myself and I feel like I'm watching a car wreck in slow motion, and it's only going to get worse.
"It's so painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it..."