The Summer of Do
Today was the last official day of my Communications course. It didn't hit me until the drive home just how much I'll miss that class. I always looked forward to mondays and wednesdays, when I'd get to see my classmates. We talked and laughed and shared ourselves. For once I felt belonging in a group outside of my friends. Sure, they didn't really "know" me or understand who I "am", but they made me happy. I even went out to lunch with a couple of them. It felt like my first real "college student" experience.
I'm not sure what I'll do with myself now. I have the urge to simply pack some things and leave town for a while. Unfortunately classes aren't entirely over and I fear that once I'm truly free the dream of escape will lose its appeal. It's funny, but I'll miss school. I was a lazy, anxiety riddled student, but at least I was accomplishing something with my life - or doing something with my time.
I am the enigma of the empty vessel that floats just above the surface. Alone I am hollow and adrift, but fill me with the slightest weight and immediately I begin to sink. I have so many options available to me this summer. So many things I could do and places I could go. But I'm afraid that every day will become an excuse to wait for tomorrow. I really am adrift - pulled and pushed in all directions by my notions and my impulses. And no sooner has each dream crest the peak of my desire then it falls away, lost in doubt and complication.
I simply lack the determination to make up my mind about something and the discipline to follow through on it. Oddly enough that statement is especially true in matters of free will. I hate the things that I am forced to do, but I do them - often quite well. But when given a choice, I can't seem to find a reason that is more than the fleeting desire of envisioned dream. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to stop wishing everything were picture perfect and simply do something because I say I'm going to do it. ...Or maybe thinking it's that easy is yet another dream.
Everything requires some amount of effort. Everything has complications. But that doesn't make everything impossible. I have to try not to lose sight of that. Effort can be made. Complications can be mediated. I want this to be the summer of do. I know it's possible. I know I can. But I have to more than want it. I have to make it.
I'm not sure what I'll do with myself now. I have the urge to simply pack some things and leave town for a while. Unfortunately classes aren't entirely over and I fear that once I'm truly free the dream of escape will lose its appeal. It's funny, but I'll miss school. I was a lazy, anxiety riddled student, but at least I was accomplishing something with my life - or doing something with my time.
I am the enigma of the empty vessel that floats just above the surface. Alone I am hollow and adrift, but fill me with the slightest weight and immediately I begin to sink. I have so many options available to me this summer. So many things I could do and places I could go. But I'm afraid that every day will become an excuse to wait for tomorrow. I really am adrift - pulled and pushed in all directions by my notions and my impulses. And no sooner has each dream crest the peak of my desire then it falls away, lost in doubt and complication.
I simply lack the determination to make up my mind about something and the discipline to follow through on it. Oddly enough that statement is especially true in matters of free will. I hate the things that I am forced to do, but I do them - often quite well. But when given a choice, I can't seem to find a reason that is more than the fleeting desire of envisioned dream. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I need to stop wishing everything were picture perfect and simply do something because I say I'm going to do it. ...Or maybe thinking it's that easy is yet another dream.
Everything requires some amount of effort. Everything has complications. But that doesn't make everything impossible. I have to try not to lose sight of that. Effort can be made. Complications can be mediated. I want this to be the summer of do. I know it's possible. I know I can. But I have to more than want it. I have to make it.