(no subject)
A lot of things on my mind right now. I have been milling over all of this for a long time and it finally came out. read it if you want to, ignore it if you don't. It's all up to you, just please respect what I have said here.
Aaron: GET OVER YOURSELF. You have NO MORALS. YOU HAVE NO HONOR. I can't stand it. Until you change, I do not want you in my life. I saw you hit Jae in the head last year and we had words. That is over, I though you learned. You have repeated it this year. I am feeling very aggitated and very pissed off about it all again. I am so close to hating your actions, so close to kicking your ass so hard you feel it and lick the wounds for a week. A part of me wants to force him to accept that in his current state, very few people want to be near him. That his feeding off of other people and stepping all over them is unacceptable. The fact that he *challanges* others is alright, but to treat your friends like your enemies, and to comepletely disreguard your enemies is folly. You will lose in the end, because those who you *finally* treat with some GODDAMN RESPECT will stab you in the back and kill you. You disguest me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. I do not prize your type of character or your nonexistant moral code. I do not like your ego. I do not like your issues. I especially do not like your immaturity and your problem with having to be better than everyone by cheating or by disreguarding their wellbeing. That is why I can't stand you, because you disreguard others for YOURSELF. You are SELFISH and have no thoughts or concepts on why you SHOULD NOT DO SOMETHING.
I will tolerate your presence and I will be polite to you. I do not want to cause problems with our group of friends, however, that does not mean I will let you walk on me or others. I am stating a number one in three stirkes.
You wanted me to judge you based on who you were. I am doing that now.
Ray: Someone remind me again, why I can't get over him? What can I say about Ray? Truely, what is there for me to say? I know I am not over him. A part of it is because I see in his eyes everytime he looks at me, in his stiff and ackward manner, that I am a living reminder of the first year and all the shit that went on in it. Every moment I am near him he watches himself. He will listen and try to comfort but will never touch me or make a move to be near me. He keeps a distance specifically because he either does not trust himself or he does not trust me. Because of this, I feel like we have something unfinished. I feel like there is something I should do to make him feel at ease. In all truth, it is not my fault. He is making himself uncomfortable. It is his choice and he does it to punish himself for what he did and for hurting the people he hurt. He is tying to learn his lesson, but I do not see it working. All that is happening because of it is that he and I are suffering far beyond what needed to happen. I feel like because he will not let it die, that there is something I should stop. That I am to blame for his unease and that he is not really happy with Alex BECAUSE of me. When iheard about Ray forcing Alex to cahnge drivers on the freeway going 90, I felt to blame. I felt that I had not drifted far enough away from him and Alex, and that I should back off MORE to make them happy. I have been as far as I felt I could be from Alex, and reciently, I have begun to try to be her friend again. This only unsettles me more. What if everytime he sees me, he is comparing Alex to me? What if I am causing him to risk her life for some more cheap thrill? What if next time they die? Will it be my fault? How will I ever know? I can't take it, in all honesty. I can't take Ray doing this. It HURTS. It is a continuious thought that he took all that trust and just spit my emotions back in my face. He stabbed both me *and* Jae in the back, and then told people lies about it so that people wouldn't get angry with him anymore. "I like you more, but I want to date Alex so that she has some experience." I still wonder what he actually told Alex if that is what he told me. What is the truth? What is a lie? When can I trust him? I can't. And yet, a part of me still does. Because I trusted him with a lot that first round. I now have been attempting to trust him again, but I can not and will not. I am begining to refuse to trust him. I don't know what to do with myself. I no longer feel like I could be with him, nor do I feel like he is a good person for me, but I still get that system meltdown when he is in the room. That is why I avoid him. It really sucks because I really like being Alex's friend, as much as she is growning into more of an airhead, she is very fun and very cool to be around. I like her bubbly personality, and I love her artistic abilitys. But Ray is too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do.
I think I need a hug. After all of this, I feel like crying. Between Ray and Aaron, I could honestly sob my eyes out.
Both of those fuckers really made it much harder for me to trust males. I was doing okay, then they come along. Time to rebuild what I had.
Upon reviewing this, why is it always Aaron and Ray that seem to be upsettng me as far as this group of friends goes? I just want things to be smooth between us all.
Aaron: GET OVER YOURSELF. You have NO MORALS. YOU HAVE NO HONOR. I can't stand it. Until you change, I do not want you in my life. I saw you hit Jae in the head last year and we had words. That is over, I though you learned. You have repeated it this year. I am feeling very aggitated and very pissed off about it all again. I am so close to hating your actions, so close to kicking your ass so hard you feel it and lick the wounds for a week. A part of me wants to force him to accept that in his current state, very few people want to be near him. That his feeding off of other people and stepping all over them is unacceptable. The fact that he *challanges* others is alright, but to treat your friends like your enemies, and to comepletely disreguard your enemies is folly. You will lose in the end, because those who you *finally* treat with some GODDAMN RESPECT will stab you in the back and kill you. You disguest me. LEAVE ME ALONE. I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. I do not prize your type of character or your nonexistant moral code. I do not like your ego. I do not like your issues. I especially do not like your immaturity and your problem with having to be better than everyone by cheating or by disreguarding their wellbeing. That is why I can't stand you, because you disreguard others for YOURSELF. You are SELFISH and have no thoughts or concepts on why you SHOULD NOT DO SOMETHING.
I will tolerate your presence and I will be polite to you. I do not want to cause problems with our group of friends, however, that does not mean I will let you walk on me or others. I am stating a number one in three stirkes.
You wanted me to judge you based on who you were. I am doing that now.
Ray: Someone remind me again, why I can't get over him? What can I say about Ray? Truely, what is there for me to say? I know I am not over him. A part of it is because I see in his eyes everytime he looks at me, in his stiff and ackward manner, that I am a living reminder of the first year and all the shit that went on in it. Every moment I am near him he watches himself. He will listen and try to comfort but will never touch me or make a move to be near me. He keeps a distance specifically because he either does not trust himself or he does not trust me. Because of this, I feel like we have something unfinished. I feel like there is something I should do to make him feel at ease. In all truth, it is not my fault. He is making himself uncomfortable. It is his choice and he does it to punish himself for what he did and for hurting the people he hurt. He is tying to learn his lesson, but I do not see it working. All that is happening because of it is that he and I are suffering far beyond what needed to happen. I feel like because he will not let it die, that there is something I should stop. That I am to blame for his unease and that he is not really happy with Alex BECAUSE of me. When iheard about Ray forcing Alex to cahnge drivers on the freeway going 90, I felt to blame. I felt that I had not drifted far enough away from him and Alex, and that I should back off MORE to make them happy. I have been as far as I felt I could be from Alex, and reciently, I have begun to try to be her friend again. This only unsettles me more. What if everytime he sees me, he is comparing Alex to me? What if I am causing him to risk her life for some more cheap thrill? What if next time they die? Will it be my fault? How will I ever know? I can't take it, in all honesty. I can't take Ray doing this. It HURTS. It is a continuious thought that he took all that trust and just spit my emotions back in my face. He stabbed both me *and* Jae in the back, and then told people lies about it so that people wouldn't get angry with him anymore. "I like you more, but I want to date Alex so that she has some experience." I still wonder what he actually told Alex if that is what he told me. What is the truth? What is a lie? When can I trust him? I can't. And yet, a part of me still does. Because I trusted him with a lot that first round. I now have been attempting to trust him again, but I can not and will not. I am begining to refuse to trust him. I don't know what to do with myself. I no longer feel like I could be with him, nor do I feel like he is a good person for me, but I still get that system meltdown when he is in the room. That is why I avoid him. It really sucks because I really like being Alex's friend, as much as she is growning into more of an airhead, she is very fun and very cool to be around. I like her bubbly personality, and I love her artistic abilitys. But Ray is too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do.
I think I need a hug. After all of this, I feel like crying. Between Ray and Aaron, I could honestly sob my eyes out.
Both of those fuckers really made it much harder for me to trust males. I was doing okay, then they come along. Time to rebuild what I had.
Upon reviewing this, why is it always Aaron and Ray that seem to be upsettng me as far as this group of friends goes? I just want things to be smooth between us all.