future is black...
wow it's been awhile since i've done this.... but i really think i need it.... I am hating the process for grad skool SO MUCH, i like don't want to go n e more..... what if i just work for a few years and then try again when i'm older? This is all so crappy....... this has got to be the most stressed time of my life ever... nothing can compare! i'm wondering if i should look at other options besides academics... I am clearly not suited for it at this point of my life. Why can't i get a nice office job associated with culture like the museum? that way i'm a part of it yet not having to do all the academic stuff.... maybe i should just whore myself out to various companies... hopefully one of those will eventually amount to something. I'm so pissed about all this other stuff for LATER, that I'm having a hard time focusing on the stuff i have to do now. I think what I reallly want to do right now is finish school.
I had my grad photos today, that was meh. I hope i don't look heinous. I think i just reallly want to work after i'm done all this school. I think i've reached a point where I need a change from this. For 4 years i've been doing uni, it's been like 17 years of school period! I've been at the pool for 5 years, my god, i need a change! I need an out but i don't know where to go. I am just so tired of all this... maybe that's the word i'm looking for... i'm tired and all i want to do is curl up in a corner and put my head down. There has been so much stress these past 6 months, even when i'm on a "break", i'm not really free b/c there's so much crap hanging over my head in the background just waiting for the chance to harrass me. I think i'm looking for security as well. Just that reassurance that everything will be ok. that even tho things are crappy now, there's something to look forward to. I can't see anything in the future rite now and it scares the hell out of me! I used to have so much direction, confidence. Now there are so many gaps and pits in the future and i'm afraid to step forward. i think i need some soul-searching. I'm losing myself in all this shit and i hate it. I need to make a change and i gotta do it soon. Unfortunately I don't think the powers that be are willing to let me go that easily or so soon and time ain't in my corner either. Fuck this shit.... see! i've resorted to swearing and that's always a sign that "hell has unleashed its fury on alvina". Fuck fuck fuck! altho i do have to admit there is a sense of twisted release when one is in a foul mood.
There was one good highlite of my day: Puppies! There were a group of ppl clustered around this little field and i thought " Hmm, what are they all looking at?" and as the ppl parted b4 my eyes, i saw one of the most joyous sights known to mankind: pomeranian puppies! and there were like at least 6-8 of them and some guy was taking some serious pictures of them. They were so cuuute! i am totally getting a pom in the future, hopefully that'll be a certainty. They were cute and they gave me a spark of happy today. I definitely need a pom... hehehe
I had my grad photos today, that was meh. I hope i don't look heinous. I think i just reallly want to work after i'm done all this school. I think i've reached a point where I need a change from this. For 4 years i've been doing uni, it's been like 17 years of school period! I've been at the pool for 5 years, my god, i need a change! I need an out but i don't know where to go. I am just so tired of all this... maybe that's the word i'm looking for... i'm tired and all i want to do is curl up in a corner and put my head down. There has been so much stress these past 6 months, even when i'm on a "break", i'm not really free b/c there's so much crap hanging over my head in the background just waiting for the chance to harrass me. I think i'm looking for security as well. Just that reassurance that everything will be ok. that even tho things are crappy now, there's something to look forward to. I can't see anything in the future rite now and it scares the hell out of me! I used to have so much direction, confidence. Now there are so many gaps and pits in the future and i'm afraid to step forward. i think i need some soul-searching. I'm losing myself in all this shit and i hate it. I need to make a change and i gotta do it soon. Unfortunately I don't think the powers that be are willing to let me go that easily or so soon and time ain't in my corner either. Fuck this shit.... see! i've resorted to swearing and that's always a sign that "hell has unleashed its fury on alvina". Fuck fuck fuck! altho i do have to admit there is a sense of twisted release when one is in a foul mood.
There was one good highlite of my day: Puppies! There were a group of ppl clustered around this little field and i thought " Hmm, what are they all looking at?" and as the ppl parted b4 my eyes, i saw one of the most joyous sights known to mankind: pomeranian puppies! and there were like at least 6-8 of them and some guy was taking some serious pictures of them. They were so cuuute! i am totally getting a pom in the future, hopefully that'll be a certainty. They were cute and they gave me a spark of happy today. I definitely need a pom... hehehe