(no subject)
Took off last post... couldn't sleep thinking about it. X_x;
I was laying awake all night, and it was just horrible. Right when Jay's alarm rang for him to go to work, I fell asleep. Mmmm. Not even sure if he said goodbye to me. He probably did, too tired to tell.
My dad was supposed to be here at 9 am, but he's running late. Apparently disney tired him out. He'll be here in an hour. I have to attempt to stay awake until then.
Jay gave me his cellphone. I feel a little uneasy about him not having a cellphone on him, but its not like him having one ever stopped him from getting into shit. I like knowing that I can call him at any time and see if he's alright. I'm always afraid one day he'll leave, and not come back. Whether it be an accident or running away with some random girl. Both will cause me to be equally upset.
Mmmm, I like Jay. He's so different now. Back in the "bad days" he used to push me away and mumble things in his sleep. Now, he's pretty quiet, and if he comes into contact with me, he instantly pulls me into a hug and then sighs. I like when he does that.
And how he always asks if I need anything when he's going out. Or how he's there for me if I'm having pains. How he rubs my stomach and talks about how great its going to be when the baby's born.
He does freak me out when he turns to me and like... "*points to my stomach* O_O I want it out NOW! *grumbles*" O.o Creepy.
Or how he always gives me a hug, even when he really doesn't want to. When we lay awake and just talk. I like talking to him. He's just got this odd view on life.
The only thing that upsets me about our relationship is that I think he sees me as just... someone who's along for the ride. Like I'm not contributing anything to staying together. The other day we were sitting there, and I said "Wow, I just realized we're gonna be a family." and then he said "What? Now that you finally stopped thinking about yourself, you realize that? Your selfish." and that hurt. How am I selfish?
I never ask him for anything. I always pick up after the numerous beer bottles he leaves around. I'm always waiting to hear how work was. If he wants to play Hockey, fine! Lets turn off whatever I'm watching so that he can play. I clean his shirts when I'm doing laundry (yet he wont clean mine unless I ask). I let him take my car everyday to work without a word. I encourage him to talk to the baby, and share in this experience I'm going through. I always offer him whatever I have.
I mean, I dont get it. What more does he want? I mean, sure, I've been kind of "MINE" about the baby. I can't help it. Its NOT growing inside of him. He hasn't felt this baby move, he didn't get to hear the first heart beats, he's not the one being changed by it. Ugh, I am selfish. This amazing thing is happening to me, and yeah... okay, I want it to stay mine. Once this baby is out, I'm going to be so jealous that I have to share him. That I can't hold him 24/7. That I can no longer feel his movements as if they were my own. That he's not attached to me anymore.
This is what I've been waiting for though. My reason to go on. As much as I love my family and friends, I just... I've never felt the need to live as much as I do now. I'm having a baby. Gosh, that is the most exciting thing ever.
I can just imagine his first word, and his first day of school! And dancing with him to music.. and singing to him, and telling him stories, and... in the words of Jay... "taking him to his first hockey game". lol... hm. I shouldn't be this way to Jay, but I'm so afraid that something will go wrong with us, and he'll take this baby away. Which is another reason I dont want to get married. Once this baby is born, NO ONE is taking him away. NO ONE.
I will never drink, smoke or anything again if I have to. I will work two jobs, I will sell my soul! Just as long as I know that for the next 18 years, this is my little boy. I want to see him grow up. I want to see his first girlfriend. I want to hear about how college is going.
I just, I want him to have the childhood I didn't. I want him to enjoy his life. To never say he went a day without food. I want him to have memories! I want him to have tons of pictures of all the places "mom and dad" took him. I want him to have the best education, clean clothes, and the latest hair style.
I want him to have everything I didn't. I dont want him to experience a divorce. I want him to always have a father nearby. To know his parents love him. I want him to not be afraid of life. To enjoy the good times.
I want him to be everything I'm not. I want him to be happy. I... need to stop wanting so much. X_x;
5 more months of this? gah, jays right, I want him out NOW!
I was laying awake all night, and it was just horrible. Right when Jay's alarm rang for him to go to work, I fell asleep. Mmmm. Not even sure if he said goodbye to me. He probably did, too tired to tell.
My dad was supposed to be here at 9 am, but he's running late. Apparently disney tired him out. He'll be here in an hour. I have to attempt to stay awake until then.
Jay gave me his cellphone. I feel a little uneasy about him not having a cellphone on him, but its not like him having one ever stopped him from getting into shit. I like knowing that I can call him at any time and see if he's alright. I'm always afraid one day he'll leave, and not come back. Whether it be an accident or running away with some random girl. Both will cause me to be equally upset.
Mmmm, I like Jay. He's so different now. Back in the "bad days" he used to push me away and mumble things in his sleep. Now, he's pretty quiet, and if he comes into contact with me, he instantly pulls me into a hug and then sighs. I like when he does that.
And how he always asks if I need anything when he's going out. Or how he's there for me if I'm having pains. How he rubs my stomach and talks about how great its going to be when the baby's born.
He does freak me out when he turns to me and like... "*points to my stomach* O_O I want it out NOW! *grumbles*" O.o Creepy.
Or how he always gives me a hug, even when he really doesn't want to. When we lay awake and just talk. I like talking to him. He's just got this odd view on life.
The only thing that upsets me about our relationship is that I think he sees me as just... someone who's along for the ride. Like I'm not contributing anything to staying together. The other day we were sitting there, and I said "Wow, I just realized we're gonna be a family." and then he said "What? Now that you finally stopped thinking about yourself, you realize that? Your selfish." and that hurt. How am I selfish?
I never ask him for anything. I always pick up after the numerous beer bottles he leaves around. I'm always waiting to hear how work was. If he wants to play Hockey, fine! Lets turn off whatever I'm watching so that he can play. I clean his shirts when I'm doing laundry (yet he wont clean mine unless I ask). I let him take my car everyday to work without a word. I encourage him to talk to the baby, and share in this experience I'm going through. I always offer him whatever I have.
I mean, I dont get it. What more does he want? I mean, sure, I've been kind of "MINE" about the baby. I can't help it. Its NOT growing inside of him. He hasn't felt this baby move, he didn't get to hear the first heart beats, he's not the one being changed by it. Ugh, I am selfish. This amazing thing is happening to me, and yeah... okay, I want it to stay mine. Once this baby is out, I'm going to be so jealous that I have to share him. That I can't hold him 24/7. That I can no longer feel his movements as if they were my own. That he's not attached to me anymore.
This is what I've been waiting for though. My reason to go on. As much as I love my family and friends, I just... I've never felt the need to live as much as I do now. I'm having a baby. Gosh, that is the most exciting thing ever.
I can just imagine his first word, and his first day of school! And dancing with him to music.. and singing to him, and telling him stories, and... in the words of Jay... "taking him to his first hockey game". lol... hm. I shouldn't be this way to Jay, but I'm so afraid that something will go wrong with us, and he'll take this baby away. Which is another reason I dont want to get married. Once this baby is born, NO ONE is taking him away. NO ONE.
I will never drink, smoke or anything again if I have to. I will work two jobs, I will sell my soul! Just as long as I know that for the next 18 years, this is my little boy. I want to see him grow up. I want to see his first girlfriend. I want to hear about how college is going.
I just, I want him to have the childhood I didn't. I want him to enjoy his life. To never say he went a day without food. I want him to have memories! I want him to have tons of pictures of all the places "mom and dad" took him. I want him to have the best education, clean clothes, and the latest hair style.
I want him to have everything I didn't. I dont want him to experience a divorce. I want him to always have a father nearby. To know his parents love him. I want him to not be afraid of life. To enjoy the good times.
I want him to be everything I'm not. I want him to be happy. I... need to stop wanting so much. X_x;
5 more months of this? gah, jays right, I want him out NOW!