Paul Project: HIGNFY Season 16 observation, quotes, and pic spam
Yes, I've been slacking off on posting these things, but here's the next season of the Paul Project.
Have I Got News For You
Season 16: Sooty hats, M*************n, and ties
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-01 23 Oct 1998 John Simpson Magnús Magnússon
My observations and notes:
This episode is notable both for the spoof Mastermind round in it, and the focus on the Blue Peter cocaine scandal - including the almost now ironic question from Angus "What's your take on TV presenters taking drugs then?".
The show is now being presented in wide screen.
Angus: Good evening and welcome to a brand new series of 'Have I Got News For You'. A new set, new rounds, new ideas - all utterly rejected.
Paul’s attire: brown jacket over red button up shirt. His hair has also began to grow out around the same length it was in season 14.
Ian: Is it 'Pinochet' or 'Peenochet'? Like the drink - Pina Colada-chet?
John: It's 'Peenochet', yes. Of course, I think somebody pointed out he was Irish and it's O'Shea.
Ian: I'm always worried about your foreign reports!
Angus: Why are they particularly friendly?
Ian: Because they're lunatics!
Paul: (after seeing the footage of Thatcher fainting) Amazing how it gets a spontaneous round of applause!
Ian: She's maintained her popularity over the years!
Paul: (after his and Magnus’s clips were played) I missed this one, didn't you? This is poor old Richard Bacon, is that his name?
Angus: That was his name.
Paul: He got caught, or - I don't know - did someone grass him up?
Magnus: I think he just happened to have some trouble with his nose.
Paul: Yes, and tried to cure it by taking loads of cocaine!
Angus: What's your take on television presenters taking drugs?
John: Why do you ask me?
Angus: I seem to recall the last time you were on this programme you admitted to taking hallucinogenic drugs in South America.
John: Er, well...that really...that really was in the course of duty. There were 14 people of restricted size with pieces of string tied round their willies...
Paul: No, you only THOUGHT there were!
Angus: Thousands of copies of this year's 'Blue Peter' annual have been hastily withdrawn to ensure that certain embarrassing headlines would never reach they viewing public. So here they are - first, on page 46, we have "STONE ME". Then it's Richard's smiling face under the words "POT IT!", and on page eight, the almost prophetic "BLUE PETER IN THE SNOW".
The talk about Blue Peter and TV presenters taking drugs was on the Very Best of special - Three guesses why ^_~ Even Ian and Paul couldn’t believe that the producers put it in and Paul jokingly says “What Angus does before a show is entirely a matter for him”.
Angus: That’s Germany the country and Jordan the topless model.
Paul: (the model is wearing a bra) Certainly not living up to her reputation.
Magnus: (after Paul thoroughly answered Ian’s Odd One Out) Where do you get all this?
Paul: Any French people here?
Guy: Yea!
Angus: Thank you, that’s actually my brother back there.
Paul: How come your brother’s French?
Angus: … He was pretending, Paul. Right, the answer is-
Paul: Is he pretending to be your brother or pretending to be French?
Ian: Angus was acting, a rare treat. (laughter)
Angus: I’m going to give you this answer if it’s the last thing I do! The answer is-
Paul: Well there’s always hope.
Third Round - MASTERBRAIN
Paul ("a former civil servant from Tooting") - specialist subject: the Starr report
Paul: (when asked how Monica greeted Clinton) She kissed him on both cheeks. He was tying his shoelaces at the time.
Paul: (when asked what Kenneth Starr does everyday at 4PM) He fucks a goat. (laughter, applause) Sorry, sorry, a horse.
Ian - ("a magazine salesman from Clapham") - specialist subject: the life of Rupert Murdoch
Magnus - ("a quiz show host from Rekjavik") - specialist subject: Mastermind
Magnus: (when asked which playwright married Marilyn Monroe - a question he has notoriously got wrong before) I had a problem with that, because all I could remember was the name of the surgeon who operated on my mother's kidneys.
John - ("John Cody Fiddler-Simpson, the BBC World Affairs Editor") - specialist subject: Christmas cracker jokes
John: Listen, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. Whatever it is, I confess. Colonel Gadaffi wasn’t farting at all!
The Mastermind Parody and John and Magnus’s questions were on the Very Best of Special.
Guest Publication: CIGAR OFFICIANADO
“Woman bit into chocolate bar and found *what*” Ian: Cliff Richard.
This is Paul’s 88th win
The Anne Widdecomb pic was on the Very best of DVD.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-02 30 Oct 1998 Ian McCaskill Michael Mansfield
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket, light turquoise button up shirt, and black and silver stripped tie. It appears that his tie was “an old Eutonian(?)”.
Ian: I would say no one has gotten to the bottom of it, but that isn’t true.
Angus: Someone’s sexuality has been called into question this week.
Ian M.: Not mine.
Ian: (on the Newsnight clip) You’re just waiting for him to say “I had him”.
Michael: (on General Pinochet) He has secretly gone to another address at RAF Lyneham.
Ian: “Sex it up a bit”. Is that a meteorological term?
The Diana book talk was on the Very Best of Special. The headline, however, was called “Did Chaz OK Di book”.
Paul: (on Willie Rushdan and celebrity cooks) There was another one he did on “I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue”, complete the phrase “Your knickers” and he completed it with “at a car boot sale”.
Angus: Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Paul: Give us the bad news.
Angus: The bad news is that there are three parts to this question. The good news is that its right, but a part of it.
Paul: So what are the other parts or do I have to guess? Bad enough to guess the answer when you don’t know the question.
Ian: Michael Howard is married to a model…
Ian M: Michael Howard is MARRIED?
Paul: (after Angus said the model bit is the second part) What do you mean “That’s the second part”?!
Ian: You’re changing the rules of this round without mentioning it.
Angus: Ian, as in Hislop.
Michael is in Ian’s group.
Paul: (Thor) throws lighting bolts and the other three have been struck by lighting.
Angus: ….Bugger.
Guest Publication: WEATHER MAGAZINE
“Lawyers and plumbers *what*” Paul: Lawyers and plumbers and pelicans can all stick their bills up their asses.
This is Paul’s 89th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-03 7 Nov 1998 Jackie Mason Michael Crick
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You'. As you may have heard, the BBC has issued a ban on mentioning certain aspects of Peter Mandelson's life. We, however, refuse to submit to any form of censorship and... (Interrupted by interference and the Test card) ...for a meal in Clapham.
Angus’s joke about the Peter Mandelson scandal and being censored was on the Very best of special.
According to Ian, Jackie Mason never watched the show, so when he appeared backstage, he thought Ian was a runner and took his tea.
Paul’s attire: gray suit jacket over rose pink button up and tie.
Paul and Ian both exclaimed OMG when they first saw how Paul looked in this episode on the Very best of commentary, mostly because Paul had kept trying to find shots of himself looking thin throughout the special. Paul also notes that his tie was “an old Eutonian(?)” and wore it to see if anyone noticed. No one did.
Ian: (on John Burt and the Mandelson crackdown) And if John wants to gag the worlds largest news broadcasting information of the grounds that he’s a friend of (Mandelson), why shouldn’t he?!
Paul: This is a strange show. First of all, you show a clip with no sound, and then you show (pause for laughter) you play a sound clip with no pictures. Is it not possible to marry the two things together?
Angus: (after reading out the memo about not talking about Mandelson) Whoops.
All the talk about Mandelson was on the Very best of special. After the note about Mandelson’s life not being aired, Ian, on the commentary, noted that the director made them put that in.
Paul: (a woman is complaining on an airplane) Oh it’s that time of the month again.
Angus: Do you what’s the most common cause of “air rage” is?
Paul: Crashing.
Ian: (Clinton appears) Who’s that?
Jackie: That’s a man desperate for attention.
Jackie: (On Clinton's womanising) The amazing thing is that he's gotten more popular every time he does it. When he got the first girl he was 59 percent in the polls. Then he played around with another - 62 percent. Everyone said it’s disgusting, so he fooled around with another girl - 65 percent. He catches one more girl he'll become the Emperor of Japan.
Jackie: (to Angus, pointing to Ian) Why is it that he’s got all the answers and you don’t seem to know what’s going on?
Paul: Has the Queen been accused of being a ‘queen’?
Angus: (after Ian talks about James Bond) I think you might find that he is a fictional character.
Ian: (pause) I don't believe it!
Paul: I don't know where we'd be without you Angus. BBC1 perhaps?
THE IRONY!!!
Jackie’s in his own Odd One Out.
Mandelson is in all Four Odd One Out rounds.
Paul: (after Angus wondered where Cain and Able’s wives came from) You're right, you picked out the one weakness in Christianity.
Guest Publication: SCOTTISH DENTIST
“Judges found guilty for being *what*, *what*, and *what*.” Paul: Young, gifted, and black!
Paul laughs at Ian’s win of the answer.
“Queen tells Charles *what*” Paul: Give us a kiss, I feel fruity. Michael: I’m your mum.
This is Ian’s 47th win.
The airbrushed out politics bit was on the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-04 14 Nov 1998 Alan Titchmarsh Stephen Bayley
My observations and notes:
Audio’s funky, so the quotes are not entirely accurate.
Paul’s attire: Dark grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt and the Old Eutonian tie from last week.
Ian: This is the editor of the Sun… or an alien.
Paul: I’m homosexual! I have been for about 20 minutes.
Ian: That being right, I think that’s your own business.
Paul: That’s true. You have to put your back out.
Stephen: Why do people take an instant dislike to Peter Mandelson? The answer is 'to save time'.
Paul: (Alan talks about Charles talking to plants) Have you ever been to Bombay?
Ian: (about Angus’s revelations about Queen Victoria) First you tell me she’s a lesbian, now she’s a drug addict!!!
Alan: (When asked if cannabis was a weed by Angus) Well, a weed is only any plant growing out of place, so in your garden, probably not.
Paul’s ‘poshness’ returns!
Paul really does look nice in that suit. His hair isn’t all that bad, either.
Paul: (on the “what happened next” extra clip) One of the camera man spontaneously combusted.
Paul: (on why Mathew Paris was sacked from the Sun) He disagreed, they disagreed with him, um…. Well, he f*cked Peter Mandleson, but I can’t say that, can’t I?
Alan’s in his own Odd One Out.
No guest publication.
This is Paul’s 90th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-05 21 Nov 1998 Loyd Grossman Bob Marshall-Andrews
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and if it's Swiftian satire you're looking for, we recommend Jonathan Swift.
Paul’s attire: dark grey-black suit jacket over white button up shirt and the Old Eutonian tie from last week.
Loyd: (a missile being put on airplane) They're developing a huge vibrator which is being airlifted to Monica Lewinsky for testing.
Bob is kinda creepy.
Angus: What was France’s involvement?
Loyd: The French?! What do they have to do with it?
Paul: (Gadaffi is being mobbed) That’s the severed head of Colonel Gadaffi being passed… through a crowd.
Angus: (Paul had called David ‘Derrick’) So it’s Derrick- (laughs) David Shayler!
Paul: Derrick is his nickname!
Angus: And what did Derrick do this week?
Paul: I don’t know, I thought he was “David”?
Angus: I’m calling him by his nickname.
Paul looks confused.
Ian: I don’t think he’s got a clue!
Paul: (after giving a very thorough correct answer) If we done it my way, we could’ve avoided all that boring bit.
Angus: Suddenly, it felt like I was on Question Time for a moment.
Paul: You’ve got no chance.
Ian: (on the Lewinsky/Clinton deal) This story’s been going on for so long, I can’t remember if I was born when it started.
Image of Paul in a Sooty hat = <3
I didn’t know Paul appeared on the Sooty show.
Paul notes that the hat he wore in the pic was his, one that he bought.
Angus gives Paul a Sooty hat. Paul will now wears the Sooty hat at random moments for the rest of this season.
Paul: (about the hat Angus gives him) That’s not the same one.
Angus: W-ell, they gave it to us. (Hands it to Paul)
Paul: Well I got one at home. (Holds up the hat) Look, that’s not the same object at all, look. (puts it on) So I should wear it for the rest of the show. If I take it out quickly, they’ll have a hellova job editing the program (yanks it off, cuddles it)
Angus: Fantastic. So how do we-. (Paul puts the hat back on, yanks it back off)
Sooty hat back on Paul’s head while Loyd talks about Springer, then it is removed.
Bob’s in his own Odd One out and IS the Odd One Out.
Bob: (on the House of Commons pigeons) We're permanently trying to get rid of the pigeons. We put de-stabilizing ointment on the ledges, sort of similar to what we're doing to the Liberal Democrats.
Paul puts back on the Sooty hat.
Ian: (on learning that the bunker is where Bob lives) Your pretty paranoid about Mandelson, are you?!
Angus: (to Paul) Were you beaten when you went to Eaton to buy the tide?
Paul: That’s the beginning of a limerick, isn’t it?
The hat is back.
Paul: Snow White’s never been alive.
Ian: Neither’s Sooty, but I didn’t tell YOU!
Paul: (insulted) Wash your mouth out!
Ian keeps getting Cinderella and Snow White confused.
No guest publication.
Hat is off for Missing Words.
“Queen beats Spice Girls in *what*” Paul: Lesbian mud bath.
Angus: This is a new computerized fridge-
Paul: (wearing the Sooty hat) Ah, we don’t care, keep going.
This is Paul’s 91st win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-06 28 Nov 1998 Linda Smith Gavin Esler
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and it's time once again to sit back on your sofa, pour a glass of wine, and realise you're half an hour early for 'Newsnight'.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over pale reddish button up shirt
Ian: (on the new parliament wardrobe) They’re wearing slacks now.
Linda: Underneath the silk stockings, though.
Angus: (on how the Queen reacted to people interrupting her speech) She paused briefly.
Ian: She’s a pro, you see.
Paul: (surprised) Is she? (laughter) That’s a bit risky in her position, isn’t it? Is she?
Angus: I think Paul misunderstands.
Angus: And who has come out the support General Pinochet?
Paul: Margaret Thatcher, the mad old bat!
Ian’s impression of a cow passport photo - LOL!
Paul: (after Angus messes up) Are you eating British Beef? You seem to have lost the ability to read out loud! Which is worrying to a TV presenter, don’t you think?
Angus: It’s all I have to do, after all.
Paul: I think someone's working him with a foot!
Angus: I wish it were true...
Gavin: (on porn that was interrupting the BBC's digital news service) The only complaint we've had is that, apparently the news occasionally interrupts the pornography.
Angus: (to Gavin) You know you got something in common with John Burke?
Paul: You both had sex with a donkey?
Paul: This has to deal with sperm, isn’t it?
Angus: In what way?
Paul: What way?
Angus: (his hint) It has to deal with something William Hague can’t do.
Ian: They’re all colour blind. They’re all colour blind.
Angus: In what way?
Paul: Does it have anything to do with sexual organs. (Angus stares at him. Mimicking Angus) ‘In what way?’
Guest Publication: BELGIAN BRIEF
“Ron Davies' Rasta will not *what*” Linda: Go all the way on a first date. Paul: Is it suck a peach up a vacuum cleaner?
Paul, in a spur of randomness, puts on his Sooty cap.
Paul: (after removing the hat) I said it’d get a laugh, no one would believe me. (fluffs his hair out) Could become my catchphrase- could become my catch’hat’.
Angus: Yes. We look forward to that.
Paul: You’ll have to, it’s the future.
This is Paul’s 92nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-07 4 Dec 1998 Charles Kennedy George Melly
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', a brand new concept for the BBC - a show which isn't a repeat, unless you're watching the repeat in which case it's business as usual.
This is Charles’ fourth appearance on the show.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over grey button up shirt and pale red and green stripped old Garret Club tie, which got complaints according to Paul on the Very Best of DVD commentary and on Room 101.
Angus: Round one acts as the point of departure… for most viewers.
Angus; How long have the Crambell family been in the House of Lords?
Ian: Three thousand years.
George: (about Ian and Charles) They’re very cozy, those two.
Ian: What are you suggesting, Mr. Melly?
Charles; Just because we’re both wearing green…
Ian: Hunting green. It’s a Spaniel thing.
Charles: Down, boy.
George: (about the dung-laden exhibit which won the Turner Prize) He comes from Manchester, where apparently there's quite a shortage of elephant shit.
Paul: (about the dung exhibit) How’d he get it on the pallet?
<3 Paul’s reaction after George noted that he was 15% gay and inactive.
George: I don’t know any man - straight or gay - who actually likes shopping. (Angus makes a startled face and points to himself)
Paul: You like shopping, do you? Are you straight or gay? Can you see the face?
Ian: You can if you’re looking in the mirror. (grins)
Paul does a call-back to Angus’s “in what way” bit from last episode, and mimics Angus.
Paul: Is this about Scottish television and BBC news?
Angus: In what way?
Paul: (mimicking) In what way. (Covers face with hand) I’m in a loop of time, aren’t I?
Ian: This is a school question.
George: The link between me, Peregrine Worsthorne and Stowe.
Ian: Michael Jackson has put his son down for Stowe, Worsthorne was at Stowe, and so was Branson and I suppose Christopher Robin, who was real. He was AA Milne's son. So they all went there except Michael Jackson, who is sending his son there.
Angus: It's a perfect answer...
Charles: Well done.
Ian: Thank you.
Angus: ...but George's is rather more interesting. So George...so what exactly happened?
George: Nothing!
Angus: Right. He claims, of course...
George: HE claims...
Angus: ...that you seduced him.
George: ...in the book on public schools in which he wrote a chapter in which he said he had a perfectly miserable time at Stowe - I had rather a good time - he said I seduced him expertly - expertly I like - on the art school couch. Eventually a review came out, I think by Robert Morley, saying 'I shall never speak to George Melly again - seducing poor little Peregrine'. So I wrote, pointing out he was three years older than me. Now this didn't rule me out seducing him, but I wouldn't have had the nerve, really. Although I would plead guilty to congress of many Stoics at the time, but Peregrine? No!
Angus: Stoic - is that the word for someone who goes to Stowe?
George: Yes.
Angus: And what's the school motto?
George: 'Per Stowe et Pri Stowe'.
Angus: Which is?
Paul: 'Don't tie your shoelaces up in the playground'!
OH! Angus uncensored Fuck alert! He got away with quoting someone, so it’s ok.
Charles: (about his group) Oh, this is Mission Impossible.
Ian: What, have they all been on it?
Paul once again takes the piss out of Angus’s “In what way” comment.
Angus: So would you like me to carry on?
Charles: Yes, yes please.
Angus: …. So are you gonna challenge him for the…. Ok.
Charles: (reading the autocue) Which display of ungentlemenly conduct...
Angus: Which display of ungentlemenly conduct brings Round 3 to a close-.
Paul: How did you do that!? That’s magic! That’s magic! How did you- how did you know Angus was going top say that?!
Angus: He’s prophetic.
Guest Publication: LAUNDRY & CLEANING TODAY
“*What* flies off without warning” Ian: Clintons. Paul: Superman. Spider scares! Spiders scares flies off without warning!
“The importance of *what*” Ian: Selecting the right program. (Paul cracks up, then covers his mouth)
Angus pulled a face as if George was actually dangling a pair of pants with skid marks in front of him :)
This is Paul’s 93rd win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-08 11 Dec 1998 Tom Baker Muriel Gray
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to “Have I Got News For You”, or if your watching this on Wide Screen: (spreads arms out) Hi. (This was on the Very Best of Special)
Paul’s attire: brown suede jacket over black button up shirt
Ian: (on Pinochet) He might be immortal. He might be a Time Lord!
Muriel: (Discussing fraudulent space travel, to Tom) But 'Doctor Who' was real. That was real. It was. It WAS real.... (Fakes a sob)
Paul: Well, whoever owns that dog has got to feed it three times a day - look at it! Has it just got one arse? (laughter) Three heads, one arse, that's going to create a build-up isn't it?
Angus: According to Greek legend, it has only one arse, yes.
Paul: Really? Well, we trust the Greeks on this?
Angus: I wouldn't trust a Greek anywhere near a dog's arse, no. This is Cerberus.
Paul: Does he bark in unison, like the Beverley Sisters?
Angus: I've never met him, I don't know! He guards the entrance to Hades.
Paul: Well, why would anyone want to go into Hades? Why do you have to guard the entrance? It's a terrible place. Everyone knows Hell's a terrible place - "Oh, I've got to go on there, there's a three-headed dog, I won't bother"! What's the point? If he was guarding the entrance to Waitrose, I'd understand! That's a supermarket, it's good. No-one wants to break into Hades. Why would he be guarding the entrance?
Ian: In the entrance there's the worst bit of Hades and then there's the fields of the blessed, which is quite a good place to go.
Tom: Yeah, there are seven levels of Hell!
Paul: Are there?
Tom: Yeah, the lowest one is called Malabolge! (laughter)
Ian: Who’s in there?
Muriel: Is it true?
Tom: Yes, absolutely! I am terribly pleased about that.
Muriel: Are you?
Tom: I've been wanting to say that for 60 years!
Angus: Glad we gave you the opportunity.
Paul: I don't know what it is, but when I see a shot of Ian and Tom sitting together, Ian looks about twelve! (laughter)
Ian: I keep getting letters from people saying I'm in an advert for BBC childrens' television!
Paul: Is the odd one out Clark Gable?
Angus: Oh, the odd one out, yes, I'd almost forgotten. No it isn't.
Muriel: What about the deodorant thing, is that a clue? He's got a great bit wet patch, you're just ignoring it!
Paul: He’d got more than sweaty armpits if that dog comes after him.
Angus: It's not a million miles away from the answer.
Muriel: Oh, the deodorant, right.
Angus: It's about something Zoë Ball said about Tony Blair.
Paul: Ah, now is it something to do with vests?
Angus: What am I going to say next Paul?
(Paul mouths 'in what way')
Ian: No?
Paul: Something to do with vests, no? Nothing to do with vests?
Angus: In what way?
Muriel: Bad breath?
Paul: Did you enjoy that moment of glory? Was it like being in showbiz for a moment?
Angus: It concerns a certain feature of the mayfly.
Ian: The mayfly only lives for 24 hours.
Angus: Yes, that's one of the interesting features.
Ian: Is it the other one that the question concerns?
Angus: Yes.
Ian: I thought it would be because you had that smug look on your face.
Angus: But well done for saying it only lives for 24 hours.
Muriel: Cerberus had bad breath, didn't he?
Paul: Cerberus had very bad breath, yeah.
Muriel: And Clark Gable might have bad breath as well.
Ian: So they've all been accused of having bad breath except Cerberus, who had charming breath!
Angus: Three dog-heads - it'd be liable to have dog breath three times over! So given that, who would be the odd one out do you think?
Paul: The dog.
Ian: The mayfly.
Paul: Who cares? Who cares?!
Ian: Tony! Tony!
Paul: I'm 6-1 up with one programme to go - who cares? (laughter, applause) I know, I know, it's toffee apple! I can say what I like!
Angus: It is in fact the mayfly.
Paul: Really? Why?
Angus: Because it has no mouth.
Muriel: And you're saying Blair has bad breath?
Angus: According to Zoë Ball, yes. Weren't you worried about body odour at one stage?
Tom: Who, me?
Angus: Yes. You asked the Body Shop, I think.
Tom: Well, I went into the Body Shop, and they're all so terribly humourless, and so this boring girl and I said: "I'm really tired, I've tried Pears soap, I've tried carbolic soap, and I'd really like to smell of new bread. Do you do new bread?" And she said: "No sir, we don't do new bread." I said: "Well, surely you can synthesise anything. Well, what about fresh coffee?" "No, we don't do fresh coffee." "Christ love," I said, "I live in the country - I'd really like to smell like a bonfire." For sentimental reasons - I once went out with a girl who smelt like a bonfire!
Ian: She was a witch was she?!
Tom: She may have been a witch, but ooh, she was a goer!
Tom is hysterical.
Tom: (after Angus said the clue is in the pictures) Oh, they’re all Jews!
Tom: Those lecherous old bags that I often meet in Waitrose try to pull me…
Paul: Do they?
Tom: They do.
Paul: What, across the counter?
ROUND THREE - CHRISTMAS CRACKERS:
Each team pulled a cracker, with the toy giving a clue to a film clip on a news story.
Paul: (after he and Muriel pull their large cracker, but no noise) Bang!
Paul: (about the Christmas hat from the cracker) That’s not a hat, is it. (Tries to put it on, it doesn’t fit) Look, how- that’s not a hat! (Chucks the hat, leans over to the side) This is a bloody hat! I’ll show you a hat! (Pulls out the Sooty hat) Look, that’s a hat! (Puts it on, points at it) That’s a hat! That’s a hat! (Pulls it over his face, then yanks it off) And that’s the last time I’m ever doing that! (laughter) Except for money.
Angus: I wish.
Paul: (playing with the pack of cards) Anyone want a game of cards?
Ian: There’s a hamster.
Angus: Good.
Ian: Rubbish. (Throws it into the audience)
Guest Publication: GUT - THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL FOR GASTRO-ENTEROLOGY & HEPATOLOGY
“Swallowing is *what*” Paul: Alright on the first date.
Tom: (on the results of a pointless survey claiming that a large percentage of young people drink too much at Christmas) They don't miss anything do they?
Ian: I’ll do a Dalak in a minute.
Tom: No, don’t.
“*What* maybe bad for your health” Paul: Dying.
This is Ian’s 48th win.
Paul requests another caption, resulting in an Angus related one.
Paul: Didn’t know that was happening, did you? General Pinochet’s right hand man arrested at last. Ian: New chapter opens of Hell’s Charters Accountants. Angus: This is a Christmas surprise everyone. Tom: How do you like your blue eyed boy, Mr. Death? Ian: Angus takes his stabilizers off. (laughing) This is a great moment. Paul: Your toupee will be here in a moment, Mr. Deayton.
The Angus Caption was on the Very Best of Special for the sheer stupidity of it!
Next post will be the picspam of this season.
Have I Got News For You
Season 16: Sooty hats, M*************n, and ties
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-01 23 Oct 1998 John Simpson Magnús Magnússon
My observations and notes:
This episode is notable both for the spoof Mastermind round in it, and the focus on the Blue Peter cocaine scandal - including the almost now ironic question from Angus "What's your take on TV presenters taking drugs then?".
The show is now being presented in wide screen.
Angus: Good evening and welcome to a brand new series of 'Have I Got News For You'. A new set, new rounds, new ideas - all utterly rejected.
Paul’s attire: brown jacket over red button up shirt. His hair has also began to grow out around the same length it was in season 14.
Ian: Is it 'Pinochet' or 'Peenochet'? Like the drink - Pina Colada-chet?
John: It's 'Peenochet', yes. Of course, I think somebody pointed out he was Irish and it's O'Shea.
Ian: I'm always worried about your foreign reports!
Angus: Why are they particularly friendly?
Ian: Because they're lunatics!
Paul: (after seeing the footage of Thatcher fainting) Amazing how it gets a spontaneous round of applause!
Ian: She's maintained her popularity over the years!
Paul: (after his and Magnus’s clips were played) I missed this one, didn't you? This is poor old Richard Bacon, is that his name?
Angus: That was his name.
Paul: He got caught, or - I don't know - did someone grass him up?
Magnus: I think he just happened to have some trouble with his nose.
Paul: Yes, and tried to cure it by taking loads of cocaine!
Angus: What's your take on television presenters taking drugs?
John: Why do you ask me?
Angus: I seem to recall the last time you were on this programme you admitted to taking hallucinogenic drugs in South America.
John: Er, well...that really...that really was in the course of duty. There were 14 people of restricted size with pieces of string tied round their willies...
Paul: No, you only THOUGHT there were!
Angus: Thousands of copies of this year's 'Blue Peter' annual have been hastily withdrawn to ensure that certain embarrassing headlines would never reach they viewing public. So here they are - first, on page 46, we have "STONE ME". Then it's Richard's smiling face under the words "POT IT!", and on page eight, the almost prophetic "BLUE PETER IN THE SNOW".
The talk about Blue Peter and TV presenters taking drugs was on the Very Best of special - Three guesses why ^_~ Even Ian and Paul couldn’t believe that the producers put it in and Paul jokingly says “What Angus does before a show is entirely a matter for him”.
Angus: That’s Germany the country and Jordan the topless model.
Paul: (the model is wearing a bra) Certainly not living up to her reputation.
Magnus: (after Paul thoroughly answered Ian’s Odd One Out) Where do you get all this?
Paul: Any French people here?
Guy: Yea!
Angus: Thank you, that’s actually my brother back there.
Paul: How come your brother’s French?
Angus: … He was pretending, Paul. Right, the answer is-
Paul: Is he pretending to be your brother or pretending to be French?
Ian: Angus was acting, a rare treat. (laughter)
Angus: I’m going to give you this answer if it’s the last thing I do! The answer is-
Paul: Well there’s always hope.
Third Round - MASTERBRAIN
Paul ("a former civil servant from Tooting") - specialist subject: the Starr report
Paul: (when asked how Monica greeted Clinton) She kissed him on both cheeks. He was tying his shoelaces at the time.
Paul: (when asked what Kenneth Starr does everyday at 4PM) He fucks a goat. (laughter, applause) Sorry, sorry, a horse.
Ian - ("a magazine salesman from Clapham") - specialist subject: the life of Rupert Murdoch
Magnus - ("a quiz show host from Rekjavik") - specialist subject: Mastermind
Magnus: (when asked which playwright married Marilyn Monroe - a question he has notoriously got wrong before) I had a problem with that, because all I could remember was the name of the surgeon who operated on my mother's kidneys.
John - ("John Cody Fiddler-Simpson, the BBC World Affairs Editor") - specialist subject: Christmas cracker jokes
John: Listen, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. Whatever it is, I confess. Colonel Gadaffi wasn’t farting at all!
The Mastermind Parody and John and Magnus’s questions were on the Very Best of Special.
Guest Publication: CIGAR OFFICIANADO
“Woman bit into chocolate bar and found *what*” Ian: Cliff Richard.
This is Paul’s 88th win
The Anne Widdecomb pic was on the Very best of DVD.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-02 30 Oct 1998 Ian McCaskill Michael Mansfield
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket, light turquoise button up shirt, and black and silver stripped tie. It appears that his tie was “an old Eutonian(?)”.
Ian: I would say no one has gotten to the bottom of it, but that isn’t true.
Angus: Someone’s sexuality has been called into question this week.
Ian M.: Not mine.
Ian: (on the Newsnight clip) You’re just waiting for him to say “I had him”.
Michael: (on General Pinochet) He has secretly gone to another address at RAF Lyneham.
Ian: “Sex it up a bit”. Is that a meteorological term?
The Diana book talk was on the Very Best of Special. The headline, however, was called “Did Chaz OK Di book”.
Paul: (on Willie Rushdan and celebrity cooks) There was another one he did on “I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue”, complete the phrase “Your knickers” and he completed it with “at a car boot sale”.
Angus: Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Paul: Give us the bad news.
Angus: The bad news is that there are three parts to this question. The good news is that its right, but a part of it.
Paul: So what are the other parts or do I have to guess? Bad enough to guess the answer when you don’t know the question.
Ian: Michael Howard is married to a model…
Ian M: Michael Howard is MARRIED?
Paul: (after Angus said the model bit is the second part) What do you mean “That’s the second part”?!
Ian: You’re changing the rules of this round without mentioning it.
Angus: Ian, as in Hislop.
Michael is in Ian’s group.
Paul: (Thor) throws lighting bolts and the other three have been struck by lighting.
Angus: ….Bugger.
Guest Publication: WEATHER MAGAZINE
“Lawyers and plumbers *what*” Paul: Lawyers and plumbers and pelicans can all stick their bills up their asses.
This is Paul’s 89th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-03 7 Nov 1998 Jackie Mason Michael Crick
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You'. As you may have heard, the BBC has issued a ban on mentioning certain aspects of Peter Mandelson's life. We, however, refuse to submit to any form of censorship and... (Interrupted by interference and the Test card) ...for a meal in Clapham.
Angus’s joke about the Peter Mandelson scandal and being censored was on the Very best of special.
According to Ian, Jackie Mason never watched the show, so when he appeared backstage, he thought Ian was a runner and took his tea.
Paul’s attire: gray suit jacket over rose pink button up and tie.
Paul and Ian both exclaimed OMG when they first saw how Paul looked in this episode on the Very best of commentary, mostly because Paul had kept trying to find shots of himself looking thin throughout the special. Paul also notes that his tie was “an old Eutonian(?)” and wore it to see if anyone noticed. No one did.
Ian: (on John Burt and the Mandelson crackdown) And if John wants to gag the worlds largest news broadcasting information of the grounds that he’s a friend of (Mandelson), why shouldn’t he?!
Paul: This is a strange show. First of all, you show a clip with no sound, and then you show (pause for laughter) you play a sound clip with no pictures. Is it not possible to marry the two things together?
Angus: (after reading out the memo about not talking about Mandelson) Whoops.
All the talk about Mandelson was on the Very best of special. After the note about Mandelson’s life not being aired, Ian, on the commentary, noted that the director made them put that in.
Paul: (a woman is complaining on an airplane) Oh it’s that time of the month again.
Angus: Do you what’s the most common cause of “air rage” is?
Paul: Crashing.
Ian: (Clinton appears) Who’s that?
Jackie: That’s a man desperate for attention.
Jackie: (On Clinton's womanising) The amazing thing is that he's gotten more popular every time he does it. When he got the first girl he was 59 percent in the polls. Then he played around with another - 62 percent. Everyone said it’s disgusting, so he fooled around with another girl - 65 percent. He catches one more girl he'll become the Emperor of Japan.
Jackie: (to Angus, pointing to Ian) Why is it that he’s got all the answers and you don’t seem to know what’s going on?
Paul: Has the Queen been accused of being a ‘queen’?
Angus: (after Ian talks about James Bond) I think you might find that he is a fictional character.
Ian: (pause) I don't believe it!
Paul: I don't know where we'd be without you Angus. BBC1 perhaps?
THE IRONY!!!
Jackie’s in his own Odd One Out.
Mandelson is in all Four Odd One Out rounds.
Paul: (after Angus wondered where Cain and Able’s wives came from) You're right, you picked out the one weakness in Christianity.
Guest Publication: SCOTTISH DENTIST
“Judges found guilty for being *what*, *what*, and *what*.” Paul: Young, gifted, and black!
Paul laughs at Ian’s win of the answer.
“Queen tells Charles *what*” Paul: Give us a kiss, I feel fruity. Michael: I’m your mum.
This is Ian’s 47th win.
The airbrushed out politics bit was on the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-04 14 Nov 1998 Alan Titchmarsh Stephen Bayley
My observations and notes:
Audio’s funky, so the quotes are not entirely accurate.
Paul’s attire: Dark grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt and the Old Eutonian tie from last week.
Ian: This is the editor of the Sun… or an alien.
Paul: I’m homosexual! I have been for about 20 minutes.
Ian: That being right, I think that’s your own business.
Paul: That’s true. You have to put your back out.
Stephen: Why do people take an instant dislike to Peter Mandelson? The answer is 'to save time'.
Paul: (Alan talks about Charles talking to plants) Have you ever been to Bombay?
Ian: (about Angus’s revelations about Queen Victoria) First you tell me she’s a lesbian, now she’s a drug addict!!!
Alan: (When asked if cannabis was a weed by Angus) Well, a weed is only any plant growing out of place, so in your garden, probably not.
Paul’s ‘poshness’ returns!
Paul really does look nice in that suit. His hair isn’t all that bad, either.
Paul: (on the “what happened next” extra clip) One of the camera man spontaneously combusted.
Paul: (on why Mathew Paris was sacked from the Sun) He disagreed, they disagreed with him, um…. Well, he f*cked Peter Mandleson, but I can’t say that, can’t I?
Alan’s in his own Odd One Out.
No guest publication.
This is Paul’s 90th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-05 21 Nov 1998 Loyd Grossman Bob Marshall-Andrews
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and if it's Swiftian satire you're looking for, we recommend Jonathan Swift.
Paul’s attire: dark grey-black suit jacket over white button up shirt and the Old Eutonian tie from last week.
Loyd: (a missile being put on airplane) They're developing a huge vibrator which is being airlifted to Monica Lewinsky for testing.
Bob is kinda creepy.
Angus: What was France’s involvement?
Loyd: The French?! What do they have to do with it?
Paul: (Gadaffi is being mobbed) That’s the severed head of Colonel Gadaffi being passed… through a crowd.
Angus: (Paul had called David ‘Derrick’) So it’s Derrick- (laughs) David Shayler!
Paul: Derrick is his nickname!
Angus: And what did Derrick do this week?
Paul: I don’t know, I thought he was “David”?
Angus: I’m calling him by his nickname.
Paul looks confused.
Ian: I don’t think he’s got a clue!
Paul: (after giving a very thorough correct answer) If we done it my way, we could’ve avoided all that boring bit.
Angus: Suddenly, it felt like I was on Question Time for a moment.
Paul: You’ve got no chance.
Ian: (on the Lewinsky/Clinton deal) This story’s been going on for so long, I can’t remember if I was born when it started.
Image of Paul in a Sooty hat = <3
I didn’t know Paul appeared on the Sooty show.
Paul notes that the hat he wore in the pic was his, one that he bought.
Angus gives Paul a Sooty hat. Paul will now wears the Sooty hat at random moments for the rest of this season.
Paul: (about the hat Angus gives him) That’s not the same one.
Angus: W-ell, they gave it to us. (Hands it to Paul)
Paul: Well I got one at home. (Holds up the hat) Look, that’s not the same object at all, look. (puts it on) So I should wear it for the rest of the show. If I take it out quickly, they’ll have a hellova job editing the program (yanks it off, cuddles it)
Angus: Fantastic. So how do we-. (Paul puts the hat back on, yanks it back off)
Sooty hat back on Paul’s head while Loyd talks about Springer, then it is removed.
Bob’s in his own Odd One out and IS the Odd One Out.
Bob: (on the House of Commons pigeons) We're permanently trying to get rid of the pigeons. We put de-stabilizing ointment on the ledges, sort of similar to what we're doing to the Liberal Democrats.
Paul puts back on the Sooty hat.
Ian: (on learning that the bunker is where Bob lives) Your pretty paranoid about Mandelson, are you?!
Angus: (to Paul) Were you beaten when you went to Eaton to buy the tide?
Paul: That’s the beginning of a limerick, isn’t it?
The hat is back.
Paul: Snow White’s never been alive.
Ian: Neither’s Sooty, but I didn’t tell YOU!
Paul: (insulted) Wash your mouth out!
Ian keeps getting Cinderella and Snow White confused.
No guest publication.
Hat is off for Missing Words.
“Queen beats Spice Girls in *what*” Paul: Lesbian mud bath.
Angus: This is a new computerized fridge-
Paul: (wearing the Sooty hat) Ah, we don’t care, keep going.
This is Paul’s 91st win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-06 28 Nov 1998 Linda Smith Gavin Esler
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and it's time once again to sit back on your sofa, pour a glass of wine, and realise you're half an hour early for 'Newsnight'.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over pale reddish button up shirt
Ian: (on the new parliament wardrobe) They’re wearing slacks now.
Linda: Underneath the silk stockings, though.
Angus: (on how the Queen reacted to people interrupting her speech) She paused briefly.
Ian: She’s a pro, you see.
Paul: (surprised) Is she? (laughter) That’s a bit risky in her position, isn’t it? Is she?
Angus: I think Paul misunderstands.
Angus: And who has come out the support General Pinochet?
Paul: Margaret Thatcher, the mad old bat!
Ian’s impression of a cow passport photo - LOL!
Paul: (after Angus messes up) Are you eating British Beef? You seem to have lost the ability to read out loud! Which is worrying to a TV presenter, don’t you think?
Angus: It’s all I have to do, after all.
Paul: I think someone's working him with a foot!
Angus: I wish it were true...
Gavin: (on porn that was interrupting the BBC's digital news service) The only complaint we've had is that, apparently the news occasionally interrupts the pornography.
Angus: (to Gavin) You know you got something in common with John Burke?
Paul: You both had sex with a donkey?
Paul: This has to deal with sperm, isn’t it?
Angus: In what way?
Paul: What way?
Angus: (his hint) It has to deal with something William Hague can’t do.
Ian: They’re all colour blind. They’re all colour blind.
Angus: In what way?
Paul: Does it have anything to do with sexual organs. (Angus stares at him. Mimicking Angus) ‘In what way?’
Guest Publication: BELGIAN BRIEF
“Ron Davies' Rasta will not *what*” Linda: Go all the way on a first date. Paul: Is it suck a peach up a vacuum cleaner?
Paul, in a spur of randomness, puts on his Sooty cap.
Paul: (after removing the hat) I said it’d get a laugh, no one would believe me. (fluffs his hair out) Could become my catchphrase- could become my catch’hat’.
Angus: Yes. We look forward to that.
Paul: You’ll have to, it’s the future.
This is Paul’s 92nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-07 4 Dec 1998 Charles Kennedy George Melly
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', a brand new concept for the BBC - a show which isn't a repeat, unless you're watching the repeat in which case it's business as usual.
This is Charles’ fourth appearance on the show.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over grey button up shirt and pale red and green stripped old Garret Club tie, which got complaints according to Paul on the Very Best of DVD commentary and on Room 101.
Angus: Round one acts as the point of departure… for most viewers.
Angus; How long have the Crambell family been in the House of Lords?
Ian: Three thousand years.
George: (about Ian and Charles) They’re very cozy, those two.
Ian: What are you suggesting, Mr. Melly?
Charles; Just because we’re both wearing green…
Ian: Hunting green. It’s a Spaniel thing.
Charles: Down, boy.
George: (about the dung-laden exhibit which won the Turner Prize) He comes from Manchester, where apparently there's quite a shortage of elephant shit.
Paul: (about the dung exhibit) How’d he get it on the pallet?
<3 Paul’s reaction after George noted that he was 15% gay and inactive.
George: I don’t know any man - straight or gay - who actually likes shopping. (Angus makes a startled face and points to himself)
Paul: You like shopping, do you? Are you straight or gay? Can you see the face?
Ian: You can if you’re looking in the mirror. (grins)
Paul does a call-back to Angus’s “in what way” bit from last episode, and mimics Angus.
Paul: Is this about Scottish television and BBC news?
Angus: In what way?
Paul: (mimicking) In what way. (Covers face with hand) I’m in a loop of time, aren’t I?
Ian: This is a school question.
George: The link between me, Peregrine Worsthorne and Stowe.
Ian: Michael Jackson has put his son down for Stowe, Worsthorne was at Stowe, and so was Branson and I suppose Christopher Robin, who was real. He was AA Milne's son. So they all went there except Michael Jackson, who is sending his son there.
Angus: It's a perfect answer...
Charles: Well done.
Ian: Thank you.
Angus: ...but George's is rather more interesting. So George...so what exactly happened?
George: Nothing!
Angus: Right. He claims, of course...
George: HE claims...
Angus: ...that you seduced him.
George: ...in the book on public schools in which he wrote a chapter in which he said he had a perfectly miserable time at Stowe - I had rather a good time - he said I seduced him expertly - expertly I like - on the art school couch. Eventually a review came out, I think by Robert Morley, saying 'I shall never speak to George Melly again - seducing poor little Peregrine'. So I wrote, pointing out he was three years older than me. Now this didn't rule me out seducing him, but I wouldn't have had the nerve, really. Although I would plead guilty to congress of many Stoics at the time, but Peregrine? No!
Angus: Stoic - is that the word for someone who goes to Stowe?
George: Yes.
Angus: And what's the school motto?
George: 'Per Stowe et Pri Stowe'.
Angus: Which is?
Paul: 'Don't tie your shoelaces up in the playground'!
OH! Angus uncensored Fuck alert! He got away with quoting someone, so it’s ok.
Charles: (about his group) Oh, this is Mission Impossible.
Ian: What, have they all been on it?
Paul once again takes the piss out of Angus’s “In what way” comment.
Angus: So would you like me to carry on?
Charles: Yes, yes please.
Angus: …. So are you gonna challenge him for the…. Ok.
Charles: (reading the autocue) Which display of ungentlemenly conduct...
Angus: Which display of ungentlemenly conduct brings Round 3 to a close-.
Paul: How did you do that!? That’s magic! That’s magic! How did you- how did you know Angus was going top say that?!
Angus: He’s prophetic.
Guest Publication: LAUNDRY & CLEANING TODAY
“*What* flies off without warning” Ian: Clintons. Paul: Superman. Spider scares! Spiders scares flies off without warning!
“The importance of *what*” Ian: Selecting the right program. (Paul cracks up, then covers his mouth)
Angus pulled a face as if George was actually dangling a pair of pants with skid marks in front of him :)
This is Paul’s 93rd win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s16-08 11 Dec 1998 Tom Baker Muriel Gray
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to “Have I Got News For You”, or if your watching this on Wide Screen: (spreads arms out) Hi. (This was on the Very Best of Special)
Paul’s attire: brown suede jacket over black button up shirt
Ian: (on Pinochet) He might be immortal. He might be a Time Lord!
Muriel: (Discussing fraudulent space travel, to Tom) But 'Doctor Who' was real. That was real. It was. It WAS real.... (Fakes a sob)
Paul: Well, whoever owns that dog has got to feed it three times a day - look at it! Has it just got one arse? (laughter) Three heads, one arse, that's going to create a build-up isn't it?
Angus: According to Greek legend, it has only one arse, yes.
Paul: Really? Well, we trust the Greeks on this?
Angus: I wouldn't trust a Greek anywhere near a dog's arse, no. This is Cerberus.
Paul: Does he bark in unison, like the Beverley Sisters?
Angus: I've never met him, I don't know! He guards the entrance to Hades.
Paul: Well, why would anyone want to go into Hades? Why do you have to guard the entrance? It's a terrible place. Everyone knows Hell's a terrible place - "Oh, I've got to go on there, there's a three-headed dog, I won't bother"! What's the point? If he was guarding the entrance to Waitrose, I'd understand! That's a supermarket, it's good. No-one wants to break into Hades. Why would he be guarding the entrance?
Ian: In the entrance there's the worst bit of Hades and then there's the fields of the blessed, which is quite a good place to go.
Tom: Yeah, there are seven levels of Hell!
Paul: Are there?
Tom: Yeah, the lowest one is called Malabolge! (laughter)
Ian: Who’s in there?
Muriel: Is it true?
Tom: Yes, absolutely! I am terribly pleased about that.
Muriel: Are you?
Tom: I've been wanting to say that for 60 years!
Angus: Glad we gave you the opportunity.
Paul: I don't know what it is, but when I see a shot of Ian and Tom sitting together, Ian looks about twelve! (laughter)
Ian: I keep getting letters from people saying I'm in an advert for BBC childrens' television!
Paul: Is the odd one out Clark Gable?
Angus: Oh, the odd one out, yes, I'd almost forgotten. No it isn't.
Muriel: What about the deodorant thing, is that a clue? He's got a great bit wet patch, you're just ignoring it!
Paul: He’d got more than sweaty armpits if that dog comes after him.
Angus: It's not a million miles away from the answer.
Muriel: Oh, the deodorant, right.
Angus: It's about something Zoë Ball said about Tony Blair.
Paul: Ah, now is it something to do with vests?
Angus: What am I going to say next Paul?
(Paul mouths 'in what way')
Ian: No?
Paul: Something to do with vests, no? Nothing to do with vests?
Angus: In what way?
Muriel: Bad breath?
Paul: Did you enjoy that moment of glory? Was it like being in showbiz for a moment?
Angus: It concerns a certain feature of the mayfly.
Ian: The mayfly only lives for 24 hours.
Angus: Yes, that's one of the interesting features.
Ian: Is it the other one that the question concerns?
Angus: Yes.
Ian: I thought it would be because you had that smug look on your face.
Angus: But well done for saying it only lives for 24 hours.
Muriel: Cerberus had bad breath, didn't he?
Paul: Cerberus had very bad breath, yeah.
Muriel: And Clark Gable might have bad breath as well.
Ian: So they've all been accused of having bad breath except Cerberus, who had charming breath!
Angus: Three dog-heads - it'd be liable to have dog breath three times over! So given that, who would be the odd one out do you think?
Paul: The dog.
Ian: The mayfly.
Paul: Who cares? Who cares?!
Ian: Tony! Tony!
Paul: I'm 6-1 up with one programme to go - who cares? (laughter, applause) I know, I know, it's toffee apple! I can say what I like!
Angus: It is in fact the mayfly.
Paul: Really? Why?
Angus: Because it has no mouth.
Muriel: And you're saying Blair has bad breath?
Angus: According to Zoë Ball, yes. Weren't you worried about body odour at one stage?
Tom: Who, me?
Angus: Yes. You asked the Body Shop, I think.
Tom: Well, I went into the Body Shop, and they're all so terribly humourless, and so this boring girl and I said: "I'm really tired, I've tried Pears soap, I've tried carbolic soap, and I'd really like to smell of new bread. Do you do new bread?" And she said: "No sir, we don't do new bread." I said: "Well, surely you can synthesise anything. Well, what about fresh coffee?" "No, we don't do fresh coffee." "Christ love," I said, "I live in the country - I'd really like to smell like a bonfire." For sentimental reasons - I once went out with a girl who smelt like a bonfire!
Ian: She was a witch was she?!
Tom: She may have been a witch, but ooh, she was a goer!
Tom is hysterical.
Tom: (after Angus said the clue is in the pictures) Oh, they’re all Jews!
Tom: Those lecherous old bags that I often meet in Waitrose try to pull me…
Paul: Do they?
Tom: They do.
Paul: What, across the counter?
ROUND THREE - CHRISTMAS CRACKERS:
Each team pulled a cracker, with the toy giving a clue to a film clip on a news story.
Paul: (after he and Muriel pull their large cracker, but no noise) Bang!
Paul: (about the Christmas hat from the cracker) That’s not a hat, is it. (Tries to put it on, it doesn’t fit) Look, how- that’s not a hat! (Chucks the hat, leans over to the side) This is a bloody hat! I’ll show you a hat! (Pulls out the Sooty hat) Look, that’s a hat! (Puts it on, points at it) That’s a hat! That’s a hat! (Pulls it over his face, then yanks it off) And that’s the last time I’m ever doing that! (laughter) Except for money.
Angus: I wish.
Paul: (playing with the pack of cards) Anyone want a game of cards?
Ian: There’s a hamster.
Angus: Good.
Ian: Rubbish. (Throws it into the audience)
Guest Publication: GUT - THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL FOR GASTRO-ENTEROLOGY & HEPATOLOGY
“Swallowing is *what*” Paul: Alright on the first date.
Tom: (on the results of a pointless survey claiming that a large percentage of young people drink too much at Christmas) They don't miss anything do they?
Ian: I’ll do a Dalak in a minute.
Tom: No, don’t.
“*What* maybe bad for your health” Paul: Dying.
This is Ian’s 48th win.
Paul requests another caption, resulting in an Angus related one.
Paul: Didn’t know that was happening, did you? General Pinochet’s right hand man arrested at last. Ian: New chapter opens of Hell’s Charters Accountants. Angus: This is a Christmas surprise everyone. Tom: How do you like your blue eyed boy, Mr. Death? Ian: Angus takes his stabilizers off. (laughing) This is a great moment. Paul: Your toupee will be here in a moment, Mr. Deayton.
The Angus Caption was on the Very Best of Special for the sheer stupidity of it!
Next post will be the picspam of this season.