Paul Project: HIGNFY Season 15 observation, quotes, and pic spam
Yes, I haven't posted one of these in a long time. To tell you the truth, I've lost interest in donig these. Mostly due to other things in my life conflicting with continuing this.
But I'm back again and here to post the next part of the Paul Project!
Have I Got News For You
Season 15: Boris!!! Plus lol's and Mr. Sergeant
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-01 17 Apr 1998 Patrick Kielty Stephen Bayley
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and at the beginning of a new series, our thanks go out to the new Australian version of this show which will differ from ours, apparently because according to its presenter Paul McDermott: 'The English have an established class system and their show's humour relies more on in-breeding, lisps and landed gentry.' Absolute rubbish, of course, as this cover of the 'Radio Times' will testify. (picture of the trio in dinner suits and sporting stern expressions)
HOLY SHIT! That exploding boat in the “In the News” bit scared the bejesus out of me.
Paul’s attire: grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt.
Patrick: (On the Northern Ireland peace process) Bill Clinton is going to tie the whole thing up and he’ going to come over and sort it out because he's got a lot in common with the people of Northern Ireland, because 69 was the start of our troubles as well.
Ian: Does the word ‘yes’ appear…
Patrick: NO!!!
Angus: (after Stephen said his stubble is to conceal his true identity) And your true identity being?
Paul: Anita Harris!
Paul: They’ve all been on “Give us a clue”.
Paul notes that Rupert Allison sued HIGNFY and lost. It is then explained by Angus that Rupert sued them due to them referring to him as a “Conniving little shit” in one of their HIGNFY books.
The Rupert Allison/”Conniving little shit” talk was on the Very best of Special.
Stephen: Which one’s Carol Smillie?
Ian: She’s the one smiling.
(Smillie is posed in bra and panties in the pic)
Ian: (She) presents a program about interior decorating - Changing Rooms, it’s called - but what does she do like that? (laughter)
Paul: And how much is it?
Angus: I’ve never asked her. Um…
Paul: Don’t you think you should?
Hey, the Return of Randy Brown - last mentioned in 5x08 (The Tub of Lard/Tony Slattery episode) and briefly in the Unbroadcastable video.
Third Round - Cool-O-Meter
Our favourite trio rag on Stephen for his participation in the Millennium Project.
Angus: (on Naomi saying that the crew needed a body and it didn’t matter if it was male or female) Well, we’ve all been that pissed once or twice.
Stephen’s accused by Ian of using the show as a 'dating service' after he announced he would like to meet the member of pop group Chumbawamba who threw a bucket of ice over John Prescott.
Stephen: (on the Cow Orthopaedic shoe) You should’ve seen what we rejected.
Angus: The words “Final Round” have never sounded so welcoming.
Guest Publication: PEA & BEAN PRODUCTS
Angus: (on Arsonists) They always get blamed for fires, don’t they?
“Enormous *what* in pants”. Paul: PEA! Pea! Patrick: Is this another George Michael story?
This is Paul’s 82nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-02 24 Apr 1998 Janet Street-Porter Boris Johnson
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the end of National TV Turn-Off Week, and for those viewers taking part in that, congratulations on your willpower.
Paul’s attire: tan jacket over black shirt
Boris. God, what CAN you NOT say about him?! Editor of the Spectator, Donald Trump look-a-like (but more enjoyable), mayor of London, and a loveable buffoon, this man will make you cringe or laugh due to what he says and does. This is Boris’s first appearance on HIGNFY and we’ve never looked back.
Angus: How did (the nuclear waste) get here?
Ian: By bus.
Ian: (after Boris first speaks) Oh, I forgot that Boris is the Last Conservative on Earth!
Boris: I suppose I must be batting- batting for an ideology that’s been- been burgled by someone else, I suppose that’s being quite fundamental.
Paul is stupefied.
Angus: I think we’re all with you, Boris.
Boris: On the subject of education An- Angus, I-I may call you Angus.
Angus is confused.
Boris: Since you brought- since you brought up the subject of education, you- I-I noticed you loitering in my-
Angus gets shifty-eyed while Paul crosses his arms, looking interested.
Boris: In my- In my daughter’s playground (laughter) the day before yesterday morning, and my daughter is only 4-.
Angus: Mm.
Boris: I-I only don- quite don’t know what motive you might have had in being there, I invite you to come clean. Wh-what was your purpose down there?
Angus responses with saying he was doing a documentary, but Ian and Paul don’t look like they believe him.
Paul: What was the subject of your documentary?
Angus: Um, oh, I forget now, it seemed so long ago. (laughter) It was about temptation.
Paul looks disbelieving at him.
Ian: George Michael has got nothing on you, has he?
Angus: I do promise it was just a documentary. I have the footage to prove it.
Janet: There’s no need to be unpleasant toward me, Paul.
Paul: Is there, ok, then I won’t then.
Boris: There is a large piece of ice missing from Antarctica.
Paul: And it’s in Dennis Thatcher’s Gin and Tonic.
Janet: Come on Boris, there’s no need to correct my grammar!
Boris: (mumbling) Yes, you’re right, sorry.
(Audio quality changes from semi-cruddy to semi-clear)
Janet: (Boris is correcting Paul’s grammar) Don’t pick on your own side, Boris!!
Paul: This is the man who invented a, erm, an invention.
Angus looked cute when he checked his suit after Janet mentioned men who sweat in suits in the armpit area.
Boris gets confused, not for the last time on this show, about his and Paul’s story.
Boris: One chap seems to be picking his nose…
Paul: So he’s the odd One Out.
Paul: (after speaking some jiberish while trying to say Leonardo DiCaprio’s name) I’m turning into Eddie Izzard now! Wish I had his money.
Ian: And his frocks.
It’s official, I love Boris!
(Audio goes wonky and mono here, but goes back to normal)
Ian: I think this is a taping question, about being taped. Monica Lewinsky was taped by Linda Tripp. She pretended to be her friend and said 'tell us about the President, what did you get up to?' and Monica did. Camilla Parker-Bowles was taped talking to Charles, the Prince of Wales. Tiny Rowland was taped talking to Al Fayed, by Al Fayed, in which Fayed talks about the size of his genitals. So they were all...they were all taped, except Linda Tripp who did the taping.
Angus: It's a perfect answer, well done.
Janet: Well done.
Ian: I'm surprised you gave me this one.
Angus: Why?
Ian: Because Boris was caught on tape as well.
Boris: Ha ha ha, (somewhat inaudible) richly comic, yes!
Angus: Sorry, what was that?
Boris: I just said, you know, er, good point!
Ian: Yeah! He said 'ha ha ha, richly comic', which it jolly well was!
Angus: What were you recorded saying?
Boris: Do you know, honestly, I don't remember...
Ian: I do! (grins) Boris was on tape talking to Darius Guppy!
Boris: A very great man - look, I don't want to be completely stitched up here!
Paul: What you want and what you don't want!
Ian: No, he was a school friend wasn't he?
Boris: Great chap.
Ian: And a great chap, despite being a convicted fraudster.
Boris: Convicted fraudster, convicted fraudster, went very sadly wrong for him...
Ian: Yep!
Boris: ...major goof.
Ian: And one of the ways it went wrong was ringing you up on tape and suggesting that you help him beat up a journalist who was looking into him.
Boris: That did come up! I won't deny that did come up. I don't think I've ever commented on this before, so I'd better watch my words very carefully. That did come up. It's perfectly true that Darius and I had a long and rambling conversation which took in many heroes - many military heroes - that Darius admired - Rommel, er...
Paul: Hence 'Major Goof' that you mentioned just now!
Boris: And since you choose to bring up this unhappy episode, I won't deny a word of it. I'm not ashamed of it. I did discuss...
Ian: You sound like George Michael - you're not ashamed of it?
Angus: What are you not ashamed of though Boris?
Boris: Er...whatever there is not to be ashamed of!
Angus: He was trying to get the address of this journalist out of you, wasn't he?
Boris: Yes, and owing to my great incompetence as a journalist I was unable to provide it.
Ian: So the journalist didn't get beaten up, but no thanks to you.
Boris: I suppose you could say it was thanks to me that he didn't get beaten up.
Ian: Because you didn't do what you told your mate you'd do.
Paul: Well, that seems perfectly reasonable! That seems perfectly reasonable!
Boris: I suppose there's an element of that.
Paul: Didn't you go to university with him?
Ian: I did. He was at my college.
Paul: Well what are you talking about then?
Ian: I wasn't a friend of his.
Paul: Oooh! (Mimics plumy accent) 'I'm sorry, I never made his acquaintance, don't you know! Oh, how posh! More tea vicar?'.
Ian: What a lovely impression you have of university!
Paul: That's you! That's you! 'Oh, I went to Oxford, don't you know! Let's all walk through the quadrangle with our mortarboards on!'.
Angus: So where is Darius now?
Boris: Darry? Er...
Janet: Darry?!
Angus: Where does he live now?
Boris: I don't know where he is now.
Angus: I thought he lived in Althorp House, doesn't he?
Boris: Look, I don't know old bean, you'll have to ring him up. I'm way out of my depth here, I've been totally stitched up. I want it on the record that I've walked into a massive elephant trap. I should have spotted it.
Paul: You mustn't think...
Boris: This man...
Paul: You mustn't think...
Boris: This man Hislop is quoting verbatim a conversation I had on the phone, sort of ten years ago!
Ian: Yeah, because it's a terribly funny transcript which I have a copy of! And I reprint it in my magazine whenever humanly possible - usually when you've just made some right-wing speech about law and order and I try to remind you that you were involved in a conspiracy!
Boris: I've never made a right wing speech about law and order!
Paul: Hit him!
Ian: Well you should have done! You're a Tory candidate!
Paul: Hit him!
Boris: I might! Anyway, no harm came of it, all's well that ends well.
Ian: Exactly!
Boris: That's my view and I'm sticking to it.
Ian: It had a happy ending.
Angus: You're okay, the journalist was all right, and Darius ended up in prison. Did Darius pronounce it 'Bryexton' Prison?
Boris: I think he was at Ford.
Angus: No, he started off at Brixton...
Boris: Did he?
Angus: ...I believe. I did a documentary about it.
Boris: Is that really...you made a documentary about it? Did he?
(Paul sympathetically shakes his head to Boris)
Boris: Well, you seem jolly well briefed on the whole thing.
Angus: Yes. The answer is...
Boris: What a nightmare!
Angus: ...they have all had their private telephone conversations recorded...
Paul: Let's go home! This has nothing to do with us!
Boris: Shall we just pack it in?
Paul: Yeah. We don't care any more!
Ian’s Odd One out and all the Boris related talk from that was on the Very Best of Special.
Guest Publication: RAMBLING TODAY
Janet: My people’s magazine.
“Flooding is caused by *What*” Paul: Lots of water. Boris: Water.
“Children are not *what* says Teachers” Paul: Allowed to talk to Angus Deayton. Angus: On the contrary, I’ve talked to many of them. Boris: I know.
This is Ian’s 45th win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-03 1 May 1998 Will Self John Humphrys
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show which TV viewers have unanimously voted the one they most like to record while watching 'Frasier'.
Paul’s attire: Blue suit jacket over magenta button up shirt
Angus: The sooner we start, the sooner we can congratulate Paul on a well-earned victory.
Paul: (after Angus asked who offered Diana’s butler a house) Grateful Dead.
Will: (on a nearly rolled up cigarette) That’s a copy of the Independent.
Ian: (as Will goes one) Can someone call Keith Helliwell, please?
Ian: (about Tony Blair) I think he says Groovy, because he’s about as cool as I am.
Will: No, no, he’s cooler than you.
Paul: (on his headline) Or it could be the House of Lords looking at their underpants.
Angus: (after Paul goes on about Australian Anteaters) Echidna, they’re called
Paul: No, I mean it.
(on questions they could ask the Gorilla who types)
Ian: Would you like a Banana?
Paul: Who was the best Doctor Who?
John: Why is there one Monopoly Commission?
Angus: This is Coco the gorilla, who logged onto the internet-.
Paul: (recoiling) Eew! (laughter) I tell you, those Zoo keepers earn their money.
What the HELL is Paul doing when it cuts back to him and John after Angus introduces the Odd One Out round?! Looks like he’s picking the back of his teeth.
John’s in his and Paul’s Odd One Out.
Ian: Ah yeah, Simply Red, a fine combo.
John: (after Ian said that John was his fag at school) I polished his head. (laughter, applause)
Paul: You should- you should be aware that there’s more than one way of taking that phrase.
John laughs, covers face.
Ian: Particularly at my school. (laughter) No, that was very unfair…
Paul: Head Boy had a different meaning altogether. It was more of an order.
Watch for Paul adjusting his pants while he and John note that they get the point.
Muzac starts playing, making Ian and John groan, Will to do some dancing in his seat, and Paul to bop his head to the music.
Angus announces that it’s been a year since Ian first won a series.
ROUND THREE - THE ROCK 'N' ROLL YEAR:
(All questions relate to the year of New Labour in power)
Paul - Robin Cook leaves his wife and marries his mistress
(music: "You Sexy Thing" - Hot Chocolate)
John - reduction in single parent benefits
(music: "Mama" - Spice Girls)
Ian - Formula One exempt from tobacco advertising ban
(music: "Road Rage" - Catatonia)
Will - Jack Straw's son caught dealing cannabis
(music: "The Drugs Don't Work" - The Verve)
Ian: This is the wonderful example of the Daily Mirror accusing someone else of selling shit.
Guest Publication: FISHMEAL UPDATE
Will: I used to write for that. No, it was the Observer, excuse me.
“Bee’s called up to fight *What*” Paul: Killer Ants. (after Angus said no to three of Paul’s ideas) WASPS - White Anglo-Saxton Protestants!
“Radio 4 may stop *what*” Paul/Will: FISHMEAL!!!
This is Paul’s 83rd win
Caption Contest: Ian: Irish swimming team deny being on steroids! Paul: Flash flood kills Father Christmas.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-04 8 May 1998 Dr. Phil Hammond Patrick Moore
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: light tan jacket over light blue button up shirt
Paul: I don’t think the fiddle is a good name for a coin, because you’d say “I got a handful of fiddle in me pocket”. (makes a face) Mind you, fudge isn’t any better.
Ian’s waistcoat is pretty and blue and sparkly.
Phil: Is this all pre-scripted?
Paul: (after Phil asked Angus some medical ‘related’ questions) I thought he was getting larger, but in actually, his head is getting smaller. (laughter) That’s an adlib, by the way.
Paul pulls out an article about HIGNFY which was by Norman Tebbit. He then rants about Tebbit saying he can’t improvise.
Angus looks good in black
Angus: (after listing off a bunch of things Archer did) But apart from that, he’s a complete ass.
Paul: Norman Tebbit said I can’t improvise! I’m at a lot for words.
Angus: You’re on the wrong page.
Paul: …Sorry, I haven’t gotten to that page. (Frantically searches his papers)
Angus: Many of us read a tabloid newspaper without stopping to think, which is probably just as well.
Patrick: Ah yes, I know what that is. So-called planetary conjunction of May 2000, where the planets are line up and they're forecasting tidal waves and storms. Utter and complete bunk! Nothing will happen at all. And now we're approaching the Millennium (puts monocle on) every crackpot is coming out of the woodwork! (laughter, applause) The whole lot - astrologers, flying saucerers, creationists, conspiracy theorists, the whole lot. The planets do line up - we won't even see it - and the effect is absolutely nil.
Paul: Do you think there is life on another planet somewhere?
Patrick: I'm sure there is, but nowhere near us.
Paul: No.
Patrick: A hundred thousand million stars in our galaxy, there must be one. There's probably another show going on just like this somewhere!
Paul: One where Ian constantly wins!
Patrick: Someone made a prediction of tidal waves and earthquakes 20 years ago but they obviously hadn't done their homework. Nothing at all.
Angus: But there was an earthquake in Iran, wasn't there? In 1962.
Patrick: Nothing to do with the planets, I can assure you.
Phil: That's association - you're not a scientist, are you Angus?
Angus: No.
Phil: There's cause and effect, and there's association. That's an association, you wouldn't understand that.
Paul: You come along here with your bowl of fruit, and you think you're Isaac Newton!
Angus: I'll take them back then!
Paul: And how many times has that sentence been uttered in anger?
Angus: Once!
Patrick: I don't believe him!
Ian: I'd drop the subject!
Angus: Yes, just about to. This is the prediction that Jupiter and Saturn will align with Mars, Venus and Mercury in the year 2000, which will cause earthquakes and tidal waves. The planetary alignments will cause the gravitational forces from the sun to...
Paul: No it won't! Patrick says it won't!
Ian: There's not a lot of point getting an astronomer on if you're going to read out a load of balls!
Paul: Ian, the correct term is 'spheres'!
Ian: Spheres? Ah!
Angus: Good, well that'll deal with that then.
Angus: Ian, you had an appendicitis, didn't you? On one show that we did.
Ian: I did. I was sitting here next to Mariella Frostrup and I felt this terrific pain, and then I got appendicitis. No, I did, I went off and lay on a trolley in a corridor.
Phil: Did they give you a rectal? Because the interesting thing that a lot of...
Ian: I beg your pardon?!
Phil: In my days as a doctor, it was routine. Anyone who might have appendicitis, they used to give you a rectal examination to see if you had an awkward lying appendix because they could feel the end of it. But they only do it now to patients they particularly dislike! So you have Hislop lying on a trolley and they're finding who's got the biggest finger, and they'd line up and the South African registrar with the biggest would go right up to the spleen!
Ian: (after Paul and Patrick note who claimed to see a UFO) Michael Howard came out of one originally.
Ian: (guessing Phil’s group) They’ve all had dreams of corn.
Paul cracks up.
Phil: Ghandi had a tapeworm.
Paul: What, as a pet?
Guest Publication: RAF WIVES
“*what* in quiz victory” Ian: Paul Merton.
Paul: (after Patrick said we all came from a super nova) It’s funny you said that, because I always figured (Ian) came from a white dwarf!
Ian: You’re more of a black hole man.
This is Paul’s 84th win
Patrick was given the honour of accompanying the theme tune on his xylophone, which he did quite brilliantly.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-05 15 May 1998 Jonathan King John Sergeant
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show which we are proud to say this week the Daily Mail was kind enough to describe as 'our wittiest quiz show'. (Photo of headline shown, with words 'is a scam' scribbled out)
Ian, on the commentary, remarked his disdain about sitting next to a convicted Paedophile.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over yellow button up shirt
Angus: So, being the show that picks up from where others leave off, we begin with round five.
John: And that's Robin Cook again, I think!
Paul: Yeah.
John: Oh no, there he is and he's got all the documents inside his box, and they've been put there by officials.
Paul: Yeah.
John: To incriminate him.
Paul: Best answer we've ever had for any question!
Jonathan: Why do they call it 'sandline'?
John: Why do they call it 'sandline'? Because it was a line in the sand, they went as far as they could. And this is coming out in the weeks ahead - I'm giving you that for free!
Paul laughs.
John: I'm looking forward to the film. You know, you've heard of a film called 'Out Of Africa', this is going to be called 'Into Africa'.
Ian: I gather Tom Cruise is going to play Robin Cook!
John: Well, I think when you think of Robin Cook, you think of Kenneth Branagh. But would he get the laughs?!
Paul: Ha!
Ian: Were you disappointed?
Jonathan: Not really, no. I put twenty quid on the Israeli one at 20-1! And I'm really glad Paul obviously loved every minute of it.
Angus: I was interested... (laughter as Paul stares emotionless at Jonathan) I was interested in whether you had anything to do with the organisation...
Paul: How did Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson do?!
Angus: …because I noticed that the winner didn't seem to...what continent would you describe Israel as being in?
Jonathan: Well, I believe that it is in the EBU, which is the European Broadcasting Union. This contest is now 43 years old so a long time ago it was quite hard to get anyone to enter and I think they were quite grateful for anything they could get!
John: But what about Switzerland? They had 'nul points', right in the middle of Europe, nothing! That's a warning, isn't it? That's a warning! Did you notice that Paul?
Paul: No. I would have done had I been watching!
Angus; Have you ever been approached by “Hello! Magazine”?
Ian: All the time.
Paul: (after hearing that John went to Magdalen College) Cor Blimey, not another one!
Ian: (during all the talk about universities) This is turning into a chat show!
The talk about “Hello magazine’s birthday”, along with the commentary about pronunciations and who went where in college, was on the Very best of special. On the DVD, the headline is called “Happy Birthday Hello!”.
Paul randomly brings back the pronunciation of “Magdalen” during the nuclear bomb talk and makes Ian crack up with a funny way of saying “ventriloquist”.
Ian: (Angus stumbles over some words) Have we got a ventriloquist here?
Paul ‘dancing’ in his seat - lolcute
Paul: (about one of the puppets in the clip) That jackal’s miming!
Paul: (After given his group) I haven’t got a clue.
Angus: Thesius is famed for-
Paul: He’s not famed to me, I haven’t heard of him!
Jonathan’s in his own Odd One Out.
Angus: (Thatcher)’s been a big mate of yours, isn’t she?
John: Yes, we’ve always been close.
Paul cracks up.
After being shown the infamous 'ambush' by Margaret Thatcher in which Sergeant was bumped out of the way by the ex-PM so she could make a statement about the leadership of the Conservative Party.
John: It's a very badly edited version of that. (Paul laughs) I discussed with her what the position was and she then explained at length - 'John', she said - all that.
Paul: It’s been cruelly distorted.
John: Yes. I came over looking silly there!
The talk about John Sergeant’s feelings about Thatcher was on the very best of special.
This is Ian’s 46th win.
Angus: And I leave you with news that following weeks of emotional turmoil, Anthia Turner finally finds Ms. Right-. Mr. Right. (makes a “oops” face)
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-06 22 May 1998 Germaine Greer Chris Donald
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: moss green suit jacket over cream coloured button up shirt.
Ian: (Bono was in the clips, Tony Blair appears) And that’s Tono.
(Chris had said his dad called Ian Paisley “Ian ‘I’ll have a banana’ Paisley”)
Germaine: Are we implying that Paisley looks a bit like a gorilla, maybe?
Chris: You’d have to ask my dad.
Paul: (Blair, Clinton, and men walking) Oh this is the remake of Reservoir Dogs, is it?
Paul: (Hilary Clinton was given the costume of a “As You Like it” character named Hyman) She’ll end up breaking it.
Ian is hysterical.
Paul pulls out an old magazine and reads an interesting letter from it.
Paul: "My mother always says there's a time and a place for everything. If that's true, what I want to know is when do I get to shove a green pineapple up Angus Deayton's smug bumhole, and where."
Germaine: Well, it's got to be about women dressed in clingfilm or whatever it was that they were wearing to the BAFTA awards. Emma Noble, probably, who was flaunting her new nose cones in a strange dress that seemed to have one shoulder strap being constructed at a right angle to the other...
Ian: It's a new range from 'Slappers R Us'!
Germaine: ... and you could see her underwear. But then there was more in the papers about how a certain kind of flashlight makes certain kinds of fabrics transparent...
Paul: How much are they?!
(On the transparent frock worn by Emma Noble to the BAFTA awards)
Germaine: Everybody goes out with what mum thinks you should wear and then changes in the toilet!
Chris: Her mum should have said "Chuck yourself on a lace curtain so everyone can see your tits" and then she'd have gone out and bought a sensible dress from Marks and Spencers!
Germaine: Well, they're not really tits are they? They're a very strange shape. They're the kind that are still pointing skywards when you’re lying on your back!
LOL! Ian’s in Paul’s Odd One Out.
Chris: That looks like the fish off of Stingray.
Paul: No, that’s Ian, what’s he standing next to?
Germaine: (to Paul) Oi, oi, oi, careful now.
Paul: “Oi, oi, oi”? Is that the voice of new feminism, “Oi, oi, oi”?
Ian: (on the Harpo Marx picture) That’s Teresa Gorman!
Guest Publication: DRAIN TRADER
Ian cracks up after Chris explains about the Diamond in the Sky.
Angus: (referring to the college, not the man) Almost 300 students a year enter Merton. (Laughter)
Paul: Well, strictly speaking, it’s the other way around, but I’ll let it go. (laughter) I’m having car park facilities put in.
Ian: Is that art?
Paul: It’s the way I do it, chubb.
This is Paul’s 85th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-07 29 May 1998 Antony Worrall Thompson Oona King
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the penultimate show of the series with Paul Merton 4-2 in the lead, and if you're interested in the overall score since the first show of Series One, you should get out more.
Paul’s attire: navy blue suit jacket over blue shirt
Angus: Round one and why not.
Paul: (on the Emperor of Japan) First name Bob.
Ian: Mr. Aikens is being charged with perjury (starts laughing) which is obviously a very sad thing (calmly) for everybody.
Oona: This show isn’t rigged; I just… want to complain. I’ve got no idea.
Ian: It’s a good thing Question Time isn’t run like this.
Angus: (to Antony about the swimmer who reported the “pool rage”) He’s done something that you’ve done in fact.
Antony: What?
Paul: Kissed a goat?
(About the dish which involved cooking a placenta with shallots and garlic, blended then put on toast, which got sickened gasps from the audience)
Antony: I would have added a little red wine myself.
Angus: (on Ian and Antony’s clip) What, where, and more importantly, why?
Paul: I don’t know, there was a certain Spanish air, there was something… there was a certain, sorta insouciance which I would normally associate with Barcelona.
Angus: Hmm.
Paul: (laughs) I surprised you, didn’t I?
Angus: It was slightly surprising-
Ian: The word “insouciance”! (laughs)
Paul: Yeah, exactly
Angus: Also surprised me ‘cause your right!
Paul is so cute when he got the clip right. He let out a little laugh and covers his face.
Paul’s got a very cute laugh.
Oona: (When Angus mentioned she had ambitions to be an air-hostess and Prime Minister too) Now I just want to be an air-hostess.
Antony: (on his group) They’re all gay icons, are they?
Guest Publication: PARASITOLOGY TODAY
Ian: House magazines for lawyers.
This is Paul’s 86th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-08 5 Jun 1998 Danny Baker Richard Wilson
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and to anyone watching us on pay-per-view television, that'll be £2.79.
Paul’s attire: Black suit jacket over green button up shirt
Ian: Are you pas de pris here?
Danny: You what?
Ian: I mean, you're showbiz mates though, aren't you?
Danny: Showbiz mates? That's very nice of you to say so Ian, me being in showbiz and all that.
Angus: And being friendly with him.
Danny: Well, look, look. The papers say...
Paul: It's turning into a kangaroo court all of a sudden!
Danny: It is! Thank you! The papers say, right, that we used, Chris Evans and I used Paul Gascoigne for showbusiness ends. Well, I've known Paul...
Paul: I heard it was for sexual purposes!
Danny: No, no! We use him to further our careers. I've known him ten years - it's failed, hasn't it? So that's that. And Chris Evans uses him for publicity purposes. That's like saying the Queen needs Prince Philip for air miles!
Paul: Or sex!
Danny: Or sex, yes!
Paul: She's trained a corgi to do all that for her, where they stand on each other's shoulders! You can picture it. Intelligent breed
Danny: He quotes from Latin and Greek! Seriously, no-one knows! If you've ever seen Paul say 'I love you' it'll break your heart. True, he tries to squeeze into a single belch but otherwise...! But leave him alone! Seriously, he's suffered enough and now it's all borne through and he ain't going to the World Cup. And when we're playing Spain with ten minutes to go and they say "ooh, Rob Lee's getting ready to come on" - so what? "Ooh, Darren Anderton's getting ready to come on" - so what? If they'd said "ooh, Paul Gascoigne's getting ready to come on", everybody...
Ian: I'd have said "so what?"!
Danny: Yeah, all right!
Paul: We don't know. It's a sporting decision, like in the 66 World Cup - that's the one we won, Ian, I don't know if you were aware of that - when Jimmy Greaves was fit, people said "ooh, you must play Greaves in the final", there was this big thing and of course, he didn't pick Greaves and his replacement Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick so we don't know.
Danny: You do know! This time we do know.
Paul: How do we know?
Danny: Because it's a class thing. I think Glenn Hoddle is actually a bourgeois fool. I think he is!
Paul: He's only picking posh people to play for England?!
Danny: Yes! Yes! Yes, he is! He is! It's a fact! David...
Paul: Like D'Arcy Shearer?!
Danny: David Beckham was wearing a dress!
Angus: A dress?!
Danny: He goes out with Posh Spice for a start - there's your conspiracy theory! David Beckham was wearing a dress and he's going!
Ian: Yeah, but Posh Spice is a sort of comparative isn't it?
Danny: Yeah, it's a class war. I'm sure it is! You remember class war?
Ian: Erm...
Danny: We got football, you got the BBC!
Ian: Oh, we got a good deal!
Paul: (to Angus) Could you show some interest when we give the answer?
Ian demonstrating Judo is lol.
Ian: (on Edward Heath) Did he explode?
Paul: He sneezes. He coughs, and an alien suddenly goes (makes garbling noises)
An audience member twice sneezed very loudly, which prompted comments from Danny most notably the first time as he was answering a question on the late Princess Diana, when his reaction was, "Oh my God, she's in!"
The Diana talk about remembering her was on the Very Best of DVD.
Ian: (Paul and Danny had been joking about relatives who were “Pulled off”) My Aunt was let in.
Paul: No, no, you mean “Le-nin!”
Angus: It has to do with something Robin Cook passed onto Salmond.
Paul: Herpies?
Paul: My sister had Donny Osmond on the wall - not a poster actually, Donny Osmond.
Richard: I saw the Spice Girls. They misrepresent entertainment.
This is Paul’s 87th win
Next post will be the picspam of this season.
But I'm back again and here to post the next part of the Paul Project!
Have I Got News For You
Season 15: Boris!!! Plus lol's and Mr. Sergeant
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-01 17 Apr 1998 Patrick Kielty Stephen Bayley
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and at the beginning of a new series, our thanks go out to the new Australian version of this show which will differ from ours, apparently because according to its presenter Paul McDermott: 'The English have an established class system and their show's humour relies more on in-breeding, lisps and landed gentry.' Absolute rubbish, of course, as this cover of the 'Radio Times' will testify. (picture of the trio in dinner suits and sporting stern expressions)
HOLY SHIT! That exploding boat in the “In the News” bit scared the bejesus out of me.
Paul’s attire: grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt.
Patrick: (On the Northern Ireland peace process) Bill Clinton is going to tie the whole thing up and he’ going to come over and sort it out because he's got a lot in common with the people of Northern Ireland, because 69 was the start of our troubles as well.
Ian: Does the word ‘yes’ appear…
Patrick: NO!!!
Angus: (after Stephen said his stubble is to conceal his true identity) And your true identity being?
Paul: Anita Harris!
Paul: They’ve all been on “Give us a clue”.
Paul notes that Rupert Allison sued HIGNFY and lost. It is then explained by Angus that Rupert sued them due to them referring to him as a “Conniving little shit” in one of their HIGNFY books.
The Rupert Allison/”Conniving little shit” talk was on the Very best of Special.
Stephen: Which one’s Carol Smillie?
Ian: She’s the one smiling.
(Smillie is posed in bra and panties in the pic)
Ian: (She) presents a program about interior decorating - Changing Rooms, it’s called - but what does she do like that? (laughter)
Paul: And how much is it?
Angus: I’ve never asked her. Um…
Paul: Don’t you think you should?
Hey, the Return of Randy Brown - last mentioned in 5x08 (The Tub of Lard/Tony Slattery episode) and briefly in the Unbroadcastable video.
Third Round - Cool-O-Meter
Our favourite trio rag on Stephen for his participation in the Millennium Project.
Angus: (on Naomi saying that the crew needed a body and it didn’t matter if it was male or female) Well, we’ve all been that pissed once or twice.
Stephen’s accused by Ian of using the show as a 'dating service' after he announced he would like to meet the member of pop group Chumbawamba who threw a bucket of ice over John Prescott.
Stephen: (on the Cow Orthopaedic shoe) You should’ve seen what we rejected.
Angus: The words “Final Round” have never sounded so welcoming.
Guest Publication: PEA & BEAN PRODUCTS
Angus: (on Arsonists) They always get blamed for fires, don’t they?
“Enormous *what* in pants”. Paul: PEA! Pea! Patrick: Is this another George Michael story?
This is Paul’s 82nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-02 24 Apr 1998 Janet Street-Porter Boris Johnson
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the end of National TV Turn-Off Week, and for those viewers taking part in that, congratulations on your willpower.
Paul’s attire: tan jacket over black shirt
Boris. God, what CAN you NOT say about him?! Editor of the Spectator, Donald Trump look-a-like (but more enjoyable), mayor of London, and a loveable buffoon, this man will make you cringe or laugh due to what he says and does. This is Boris’s first appearance on HIGNFY and we’ve never looked back.
Angus: How did (the nuclear waste) get here?
Ian: By bus.
Ian: (after Boris first speaks) Oh, I forgot that Boris is the Last Conservative on Earth!
Boris: I suppose I must be batting- batting for an ideology that’s been- been burgled by someone else, I suppose that’s being quite fundamental.
Paul is stupefied.
Angus: I think we’re all with you, Boris.
Boris: On the subject of education An- Angus, I-I may call you Angus.
Angus is confused.
Boris: Since you brought- since you brought up the subject of education, you- I-I noticed you loitering in my-
Angus gets shifty-eyed while Paul crosses his arms, looking interested.
Boris: In my- In my daughter’s playground (laughter) the day before yesterday morning, and my daughter is only 4-.
Angus: Mm.
Boris: I-I only don- quite don’t know what motive you might have had in being there, I invite you to come clean. Wh-what was your purpose down there?
Angus responses with saying he was doing a documentary, but Ian and Paul don’t look like they believe him.
Paul: What was the subject of your documentary?
Angus: Um, oh, I forget now, it seemed so long ago. (laughter) It was about temptation.
Paul looks disbelieving at him.
Ian: George Michael has got nothing on you, has he?
Angus: I do promise it was just a documentary. I have the footage to prove it.
Janet: There’s no need to be unpleasant toward me, Paul.
Paul: Is there, ok, then I won’t then.
Boris: There is a large piece of ice missing from Antarctica.
Paul: And it’s in Dennis Thatcher’s Gin and Tonic.
Janet: Come on Boris, there’s no need to correct my grammar!
Boris: (mumbling) Yes, you’re right, sorry.
(Audio quality changes from semi-cruddy to semi-clear)
Janet: (Boris is correcting Paul’s grammar) Don’t pick on your own side, Boris!!
Paul: This is the man who invented a, erm, an invention.
Angus looked cute when he checked his suit after Janet mentioned men who sweat in suits in the armpit area.
Boris gets confused, not for the last time on this show, about his and Paul’s story.
Boris: One chap seems to be picking his nose…
Paul: So he’s the odd One Out.
Paul: (after speaking some jiberish while trying to say Leonardo DiCaprio’s name) I’m turning into Eddie Izzard now! Wish I had his money.
Ian: And his frocks.
It’s official, I love Boris!
(Audio goes wonky and mono here, but goes back to normal)
Ian: I think this is a taping question, about being taped. Monica Lewinsky was taped by Linda Tripp. She pretended to be her friend and said 'tell us about the President, what did you get up to?' and Monica did. Camilla Parker-Bowles was taped talking to Charles, the Prince of Wales. Tiny Rowland was taped talking to Al Fayed, by Al Fayed, in which Fayed talks about the size of his genitals. So they were all...they were all taped, except Linda Tripp who did the taping.
Angus: It's a perfect answer, well done.
Janet: Well done.
Ian: I'm surprised you gave me this one.
Angus: Why?
Ian: Because Boris was caught on tape as well.
Boris: Ha ha ha, (somewhat inaudible) richly comic, yes!
Angus: Sorry, what was that?
Boris: I just said, you know, er, good point!
Ian: Yeah! He said 'ha ha ha, richly comic', which it jolly well was!
Angus: What were you recorded saying?
Boris: Do you know, honestly, I don't remember...
Ian: I do! (grins) Boris was on tape talking to Darius Guppy!
Boris: A very great man - look, I don't want to be completely stitched up here!
Paul: What you want and what you don't want!
Ian: No, he was a school friend wasn't he?
Boris: Great chap.
Ian: And a great chap, despite being a convicted fraudster.
Boris: Convicted fraudster, convicted fraudster, went very sadly wrong for him...
Ian: Yep!
Boris: ...major goof.
Ian: And one of the ways it went wrong was ringing you up on tape and suggesting that you help him beat up a journalist who was looking into him.
Boris: That did come up! I won't deny that did come up. I don't think I've ever commented on this before, so I'd better watch my words very carefully. That did come up. It's perfectly true that Darius and I had a long and rambling conversation which took in many heroes - many military heroes - that Darius admired - Rommel, er...
Paul: Hence 'Major Goof' that you mentioned just now!
Boris: And since you choose to bring up this unhappy episode, I won't deny a word of it. I'm not ashamed of it. I did discuss...
Ian: You sound like George Michael - you're not ashamed of it?
Angus: What are you not ashamed of though Boris?
Boris: Er...whatever there is not to be ashamed of!
Angus: He was trying to get the address of this journalist out of you, wasn't he?
Boris: Yes, and owing to my great incompetence as a journalist I was unable to provide it.
Ian: So the journalist didn't get beaten up, but no thanks to you.
Boris: I suppose you could say it was thanks to me that he didn't get beaten up.
Ian: Because you didn't do what you told your mate you'd do.
Paul: Well, that seems perfectly reasonable! That seems perfectly reasonable!
Boris: I suppose there's an element of that.
Paul: Didn't you go to university with him?
Ian: I did. He was at my college.
Paul: Well what are you talking about then?
Ian: I wasn't a friend of his.
Paul: Oooh! (Mimics plumy accent) 'I'm sorry, I never made his acquaintance, don't you know! Oh, how posh! More tea vicar?'.
Ian: What a lovely impression you have of university!
Paul: That's you! That's you! 'Oh, I went to Oxford, don't you know! Let's all walk through the quadrangle with our mortarboards on!'.
Angus: So where is Darius now?
Boris: Darry? Er...
Janet: Darry?!
Angus: Where does he live now?
Boris: I don't know where he is now.
Angus: I thought he lived in Althorp House, doesn't he?
Boris: Look, I don't know old bean, you'll have to ring him up. I'm way out of my depth here, I've been totally stitched up. I want it on the record that I've walked into a massive elephant trap. I should have spotted it.
Paul: You mustn't think...
Boris: This man...
Paul: You mustn't think...
Boris: This man Hislop is quoting verbatim a conversation I had on the phone, sort of ten years ago!
Ian: Yeah, because it's a terribly funny transcript which I have a copy of! And I reprint it in my magazine whenever humanly possible - usually when you've just made some right-wing speech about law and order and I try to remind you that you were involved in a conspiracy!
Boris: I've never made a right wing speech about law and order!
Paul: Hit him!
Ian: Well you should have done! You're a Tory candidate!
Paul: Hit him!
Boris: I might! Anyway, no harm came of it, all's well that ends well.
Ian: Exactly!
Boris: That's my view and I'm sticking to it.
Ian: It had a happy ending.
Angus: You're okay, the journalist was all right, and Darius ended up in prison. Did Darius pronounce it 'Bryexton' Prison?
Boris: I think he was at Ford.
Angus: No, he started off at Brixton...
Boris: Did he?
Angus: ...I believe. I did a documentary about it.
Boris: Is that really...you made a documentary about it? Did he?
(Paul sympathetically shakes his head to Boris)
Boris: Well, you seem jolly well briefed on the whole thing.
Angus: Yes. The answer is...
Boris: What a nightmare!
Angus: ...they have all had their private telephone conversations recorded...
Paul: Let's go home! This has nothing to do with us!
Boris: Shall we just pack it in?
Paul: Yeah. We don't care any more!
Ian’s Odd One out and all the Boris related talk from that was on the Very Best of Special.
Guest Publication: RAMBLING TODAY
Janet: My people’s magazine.
“Flooding is caused by *What*” Paul: Lots of water. Boris: Water.
“Children are not *what* says Teachers” Paul: Allowed to talk to Angus Deayton. Angus: On the contrary, I’ve talked to many of them. Boris: I know.
This is Ian’s 45th win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-03 1 May 1998 Will Self John Humphrys
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show which TV viewers have unanimously voted the one they most like to record while watching 'Frasier'.
Paul’s attire: Blue suit jacket over magenta button up shirt
Angus: The sooner we start, the sooner we can congratulate Paul on a well-earned victory.
Paul: (after Angus asked who offered Diana’s butler a house) Grateful Dead.
Will: (on a nearly rolled up cigarette) That’s a copy of the Independent.
Ian: (as Will goes one) Can someone call Keith Helliwell, please?
Ian: (about Tony Blair) I think he says Groovy, because he’s about as cool as I am.
Will: No, no, he’s cooler than you.
Paul: (on his headline) Or it could be the House of Lords looking at their underpants.
Angus: (after Paul goes on about Australian Anteaters) Echidna, they’re called
Paul: No, I mean it.
(on questions they could ask the Gorilla who types)
Ian: Would you like a Banana?
Paul: Who was the best Doctor Who?
John: Why is there one Monopoly Commission?
Angus: This is Coco the gorilla, who logged onto the internet-.
Paul: (recoiling) Eew! (laughter) I tell you, those Zoo keepers earn their money.
What the HELL is Paul doing when it cuts back to him and John after Angus introduces the Odd One Out round?! Looks like he’s picking the back of his teeth.
John’s in his and Paul’s Odd One Out.
Ian: Ah yeah, Simply Red, a fine combo.
John: (after Ian said that John was his fag at school) I polished his head. (laughter, applause)
Paul: You should- you should be aware that there’s more than one way of taking that phrase.
John laughs, covers face.
Ian: Particularly at my school. (laughter) No, that was very unfair…
Paul: Head Boy had a different meaning altogether. It was more of an order.
Watch for Paul adjusting his pants while he and John note that they get the point.
Muzac starts playing, making Ian and John groan, Will to do some dancing in his seat, and Paul to bop his head to the music.
Angus announces that it’s been a year since Ian first won a series.
ROUND THREE - THE ROCK 'N' ROLL YEAR:
(All questions relate to the year of New Labour in power)
Paul - Robin Cook leaves his wife and marries his mistress
(music: "You Sexy Thing" - Hot Chocolate)
John - reduction in single parent benefits
(music: "Mama" - Spice Girls)
Ian - Formula One exempt from tobacco advertising ban
(music: "Road Rage" - Catatonia)
Will - Jack Straw's son caught dealing cannabis
(music: "The Drugs Don't Work" - The Verve)
Ian: This is the wonderful example of the Daily Mirror accusing someone else of selling shit.
Guest Publication: FISHMEAL UPDATE
Will: I used to write for that. No, it was the Observer, excuse me.
“Bee’s called up to fight *What*” Paul: Killer Ants. (after Angus said no to three of Paul’s ideas) WASPS - White Anglo-Saxton Protestants!
“Radio 4 may stop *what*” Paul/Will: FISHMEAL!!!
This is Paul’s 83rd win
Caption Contest: Ian: Irish swimming team deny being on steroids! Paul: Flash flood kills Father Christmas.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-04 8 May 1998 Dr. Phil Hammond Patrick Moore
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: light tan jacket over light blue button up shirt
Paul: I don’t think the fiddle is a good name for a coin, because you’d say “I got a handful of fiddle in me pocket”. (makes a face) Mind you, fudge isn’t any better.
Ian’s waistcoat is pretty and blue and sparkly.
Phil: Is this all pre-scripted?
Paul: (after Phil asked Angus some medical ‘related’ questions) I thought he was getting larger, but in actually, his head is getting smaller. (laughter) That’s an adlib, by the way.
Paul pulls out an article about HIGNFY which was by Norman Tebbit. He then rants about Tebbit saying he can’t improvise.
Angus looks good in black
Angus: (after listing off a bunch of things Archer did) But apart from that, he’s a complete ass.
Paul: Norman Tebbit said I can’t improvise! I’m at a lot for words.
Angus: You’re on the wrong page.
Paul: …Sorry, I haven’t gotten to that page. (Frantically searches his papers)
Angus: Many of us read a tabloid newspaper without stopping to think, which is probably just as well.
Patrick: Ah yes, I know what that is. So-called planetary conjunction of May 2000, where the planets are line up and they're forecasting tidal waves and storms. Utter and complete bunk! Nothing will happen at all. And now we're approaching the Millennium (puts monocle on) every crackpot is coming out of the woodwork! (laughter, applause) The whole lot - astrologers, flying saucerers, creationists, conspiracy theorists, the whole lot. The planets do line up - we won't even see it - and the effect is absolutely nil.
Paul: Do you think there is life on another planet somewhere?
Patrick: I'm sure there is, but nowhere near us.
Paul: No.
Patrick: A hundred thousand million stars in our galaxy, there must be one. There's probably another show going on just like this somewhere!
Paul: One where Ian constantly wins!
Patrick: Someone made a prediction of tidal waves and earthquakes 20 years ago but they obviously hadn't done their homework. Nothing at all.
Angus: But there was an earthquake in Iran, wasn't there? In 1962.
Patrick: Nothing to do with the planets, I can assure you.
Phil: That's association - you're not a scientist, are you Angus?
Angus: No.
Phil: There's cause and effect, and there's association. That's an association, you wouldn't understand that.
Paul: You come along here with your bowl of fruit, and you think you're Isaac Newton!
Angus: I'll take them back then!
Paul: And how many times has that sentence been uttered in anger?
Angus: Once!
Patrick: I don't believe him!
Ian: I'd drop the subject!
Angus: Yes, just about to. This is the prediction that Jupiter and Saturn will align with Mars, Venus and Mercury in the year 2000, which will cause earthquakes and tidal waves. The planetary alignments will cause the gravitational forces from the sun to...
Paul: No it won't! Patrick says it won't!
Ian: There's not a lot of point getting an astronomer on if you're going to read out a load of balls!
Paul: Ian, the correct term is 'spheres'!
Ian: Spheres? Ah!
Angus: Good, well that'll deal with that then.
Angus: Ian, you had an appendicitis, didn't you? On one show that we did.
Ian: I did. I was sitting here next to Mariella Frostrup and I felt this terrific pain, and then I got appendicitis. No, I did, I went off and lay on a trolley in a corridor.
Phil: Did they give you a rectal? Because the interesting thing that a lot of...
Ian: I beg your pardon?!
Phil: In my days as a doctor, it was routine. Anyone who might have appendicitis, they used to give you a rectal examination to see if you had an awkward lying appendix because they could feel the end of it. But they only do it now to patients they particularly dislike! So you have Hislop lying on a trolley and they're finding who's got the biggest finger, and they'd line up and the South African registrar with the biggest would go right up to the spleen!
Ian: (after Paul and Patrick note who claimed to see a UFO) Michael Howard came out of one originally.
Ian: (guessing Phil’s group) They’ve all had dreams of corn.
Paul cracks up.
Phil: Ghandi had a tapeworm.
Paul: What, as a pet?
Guest Publication: RAF WIVES
“*what* in quiz victory” Ian: Paul Merton.
Paul: (after Patrick said we all came from a super nova) It’s funny you said that, because I always figured (Ian) came from a white dwarf!
Ian: You’re more of a black hole man.
This is Paul’s 84th win
Patrick was given the honour of accompanying the theme tune on his xylophone, which he did quite brilliantly.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-05 15 May 1998 Jonathan King John Sergeant
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show which we are proud to say this week the Daily Mail was kind enough to describe as 'our wittiest quiz show'. (Photo of headline shown, with words 'is a scam' scribbled out)
Ian, on the commentary, remarked his disdain about sitting next to a convicted Paedophile.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over yellow button up shirt
Angus: So, being the show that picks up from where others leave off, we begin with round five.
John: And that's Robin Cook again, I think!
Paul: Yeah.
John: Oh no, there he is and he's got all the documents inside his box, and they've been put there by officials.
Paul: Yeah.
John: To incriminate him.
Paul: Best answer we've ever had for any question!
Jonathan: Why do they call it 'sandline'?
John: Why do they call it 'sandline'? Because it was a line in the sand, they went as far as they could. And this is coming out in the weeks ahead - I'm giving you that for free!
Paul laughs.
John: I'm looking forward to the film. You know, you've heard of a film called 'Out Of Africa', this is going to be called 'Into Africa'.
Ian: I gather Tom Cruise is going to play Robin Cook!
John: Well, I think when you think of Robin Cook, you think of Kenneth Branagh. But would he get the laughs?!
Paul: Ha!
Ian: Were you disappointed?
Jonathan: Not really, no. I put twenty quid on the Israeli one at 20-1! And I'm really glad Paul obviously loved every minute of it.
Angus: I was interested... (laughter as Paul stares emotionless at Jonathan) I was interested in whether you had anything to do with the organisation...
Paul: How did Pearl Carr and Teddy Johnson do?!
Angus: …because I noticed that the winner didn't seem to...what continent would you describe Israel as being in?
Jonathan: Well, I believe that it is in the EBU, which is the European Broadcasting Union. This contest is now 43 years old so a long time ago it was quite hard to get anyone to enter and I think they were quite grateful for anything they could get!
John: But what about Switzerland? They had 'nul points', right in the middle of Europe, nothing! That's a warning, isn't it? That's a warning! Did you notice that Paul?
Paul: No. I would have done had I been watching!
Angus; Have you ever been approached by “Hello! Magazine”?
Ian: All the time.
Paul: (after hearing that John went to Magdalen College) Cor Blimey, not another one!
Ian: (during all the talk about universities) This is turning into a chat show!
The talk about “Hello magazine’s birthday”, along with the commentary about pronunciations and who went where in college, was on the Very best of special. On the DVD, the headline is called “Happy Birthday Hello!”.
Paul randomly brings back the pronunciation of “Magdalen” during the nuclear bomb talk and makes Ian crack up with a funny way of saying “ventriloquist”.
Ian: (Angus stumbles over some words) Have we got a ventriloquist here?
Paul ‘dancing’ in his seat - lolcute
Paul: (about one of the puppets in the clip) That jackal’s miming!
Paul: (After given his group) I haven’t got a clue.
Angus: Thesius is famed for-
Paul: He’s not famed to me, I haven’t heard of him!
Jonathan’s in his own Odd One Out.
Angus: (Thatcher)’s been a big mate of yours, isn’t she?
John: Yes, we’ve always been close.
Paul cracks up.
After being shown the infamous 'ambush' by Margaret Thatcher in which Sergeant was bumped out of the way by the ex-PM so she could make a statement about the leadership of the Conservative Party.
John: It's a very badly edited version of that. (Paul laughs) I discussed with her what the position was and she then explained at length - 'John', she said - all that.
Paul: It’s been cruelly distorted.
John: Yes. I came over looking silly there!
The talk about John Sergeant’s feelings about Thatcher was on the very best of special.
This is Ian’s 46th win.
Angus: And I leave you with news that following weeks of emotional turmoil, Anthia Turner finally finds Ms. Right-. Mr. Right. (makes a “oops” face)
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-06 22 May 1998 Germaine Greer Chris Donald
My observations and notes:
Paul’s attire: moss green suit jacket over cream coloured button up shirt.
Ian: (Bono was in the clips, Tony Blair appears) And that’s Tono.
(Chris had said his dad called Ian Paisley “Ian ‘I’ll have a banana’ Paisley”)
Germaine: Are we implying that Paisley looks a bit like a gorilla, maybe?
Chris: You’d have to ask my dad.
Paul: (Blair, Clinton, and men walking) Oh this is the remake of Reservoir Dogs, is it?
Paul: (Hilary Clinton was given the costume of a “As You Like it” character named Hyman) She’ll end up breaking it.
Ian is hysterical.
Paul pulls out an old magazine and reads an interesting letter from it.
Paul: "My mother always says there's a time and a place for everything. If that's true, what I want to know is when do I get to shove a green pineapple up Angus Deayton's smug bumhole, and where."
Germaine: Well, it's got to be about women dressed in clingfilm or whatever it was that they were wearing to the BAFTA awards. Emma Noble, probably, who was flaunting her new nose cones in a strange dress that seemed to have one shoulder strap being constructed at a right angle to the other...
Ian: It's a new range from 'Slappers R Us'!
Germaine: ... and you could see her underwear. But then there was more in the papers about how a certain kind of flashlight makes certain kinds of fabrics transparent...
Paul: How much are they?!
(On the transparent frock worn by Emma Noble to the BAFTA awards)
Germaine: Everybody goes out with what mum thinks you should wear and then changes in the toilet!
Chris: Her mum should have said "Chuck yourself on a lace curtain so everyone can see your tits" and then she'd have gone out and bought a sensible dress from Marks and Spencers!
Germaine: Well, they're not really tits are they? They're a very strange shape. They're the kind that are still pointing skywards when you’re lying on your back!
LOL! Ian’s in Paul’s Odd One Out.
Chris: That looks like the fish off of Stingray.
Paul: No, that’s Ian, what’s he standing next to?
Germaine: (to Paul) Oi, oi, oi, careful now.
Paul: “Oi, oi, oi”? Is that the voice of new feminism, “Oi, oi, oi”?
Ian: (on the Harpo Marx picture) That’s Teresa Gorman!
Guest Publication: DRAIN TRADER
Ian cracks up after Chris explains about the Diamond in the Sky.
Angus: (referring to the college, not the man) Almost 300 students a year enter Merton. (Laughter)
Paul: Well, strictly speaking, it’s the other way around, but I’ll let it go. (laughter) I’m having car park facilities put in.
Ian: Is that art?
Paul: It’s the way I do it, chubb.
This is Paul’s 85th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-07 29 May 1998 Antony Worrall Thompson Oona King
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the penultimate show of the series with Paul Merton 4-2 in the lead, and if you're interested in the overall score since the first show of Series One, you should get out more.
Paul’s attire: navy blue suit jacket over blue shirt
Angus: Round one and why not.
Paul: (on the Emperor of Japan) First name Bob.
Ian: Mr. Aikens is being charged with perjury (starts laughing) which is obviously a very sad thing (calmly) for everybody.
Oona: This show isn’t rigged; I just… want to complain. I’ve got no idea.
Ian: It’s a good thing Question Time isn’t run like this.
Angus: (to Antony about the swimmer who reported the “pool rage”) He’s done something that you’ve done in fact.
Antony: What?
Paul: Kissed a goat?
(About the dish which involved cooking a placenta with shallots and garlic, blended then put on toast, which got sickened gasps from the audience)
Antony: I would have added a little red wine myself.
Angus: (on Ian and Antony’s clip) What, where, and more importantly, why?
Paul: I don’t know, there was a certain Spanish air, there was something… there was a certain, sorta insouciance which I would normally associate with Barcelona.
Angus: Hmm.
Paul: (laughs) I surprised you, didn’t I?
Angus: It was slightly surprising-
Ian: The word “insouciance”! (laughs)
Paul: Yeah, exactly
Angus: Also surprised me ‘cause your right!
Paul is so cute when he got the clip right. He let out a little laugh and covers his face.
Paul’s got a very cute laugh.
Oona: (When Angus mentioned she had ambitions to be an air-hostess and Prime Minister too) Now I just want to be an air-hostess.
Antony: (on his group) They’re all gay icons, are they?
Guest Publication: PARASITOLOGY TODAY
Ian: House magazines for lawyers.
This is Paul’s 86th win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s15-08 5 Jun 1998 Danny Baker Richard Wilson
My observations and notes:
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and to anyone watching us on pay-per-view television, that'll be £2.79.
Paul’s attire: Black suit jacket over green button up shirt
Ian: Are you pas de pris here?
Danny: You what?
Ian: I mean, you're showbiz mates though, aren't you?
Danny: Showbiz mates? That's very nice of you to say so Ian, me being in showbiz and all that.
Angus: And being friendly with him.
Danny: Well, look, look. The papers say...
Paul: It's turning into a kangaroo court all of a sudden!
Danny: It is! Thank you! The papers say, right, that we used, Chris Evans and I used Paul Gascoigne for showbusiness ends. Well, I've known Paul...
Paul: I heard it was for sexual purposes!
Danny: No, no! We use him to further our careers. I've known him ten years - it's failed, hasn't it? So that's that. And Chris Evans uses him for publicity purposes. That's like saying the Queen needs Prince Philip for air miles!
Paul: Or sex!
Danny: Or sex, yes!
Paul: She's trained a corgi to do all that for her, where they stand on each other's shoulders! You can picture it. Intelligent breed
Danny: He quotes from Latin and Greek! Seriously, no-one knows! If you've ever seen Paul say 'I love you' it'll break your heart. True, he tries to squeeze into a single belch but otherwise...! But leave him alone! Seriously, he's suffered enough and now it's all borne through and he ain't going to the World Cup. And when we're playing Spain with ten minutes to go and they say "ooh, Rob Lee's getting ready to come on" - so what? "Ooh, Darren Anderton's getting ready to come on" - so what? If they'd said "ooh, Paul Gascoigne's getting ready to come on", everybody...
Ian: I'd have said "so what?"!
Danny: Yeah, all right!
Paul: We don't know. It's a sporting decision, like in the 66 World Cup - that's the one we won, Ian, I don't know if you were aware of that - when Jimmy Greaves was fit, people said "ooh, you must play Greaves in the final", there was this big thing and of course, he didn't pick Greaves and his replacement Geoff Hurst scored a hat-trick so we don't know.
Danny: You do know! This time we do know.
Paul: How do we know?
Danny: Because it's a class thing. I think Glenn Hoddle is actually a bourgeois fool. I think he is!
Paul: He's only picking posh people to play for England?!
Danny: Yes! Yes! Yes, he is! He is! It's a fact! David...
Paul: Like D'Arcy Shearer?!
Danny: David Beckham was wearing a dress!
Angus: A dress?!
Danny: He goes out with Posh Spice for a start - there's your conspiracy theory! David Beckham was wearing a dress and he's going!
Ian: Yeah, but Posh Spice is a sort of comparative isn't it?
Danny: Yeah, it's a class war. I'm sure it is! You remember class war?
Ian: Erm...
Danny: We got football, you got the BBC!
Ian: Oh, we got a good deal!
Paul: (to Angus) Could you show some interest when we give the answer?
Ian demonstrating Judo is lol.
Ian: (on Edward Heath) Did he explode?
Paul: He sneezes. He coughs, and an alien suddenly goes (makes garbling noises)
An audience member twice sneezed very loudly, which prompted comments from Danny most notably the first time as he was answering a question on the late Princess Diana, when his reaction was, "Oh my God, she's in!"
The Diana talk about remembering her was on the Very Best of DVD.
Ian: (Paul and Danny had been joking about relatives who were “Pulled off”) My Aunt was let in.
Paul: No, no, you mean “Le-nin!”
Angus: It has to do with something Robin Cook passed onto Salmond.
Paul: Herpies?
Paul: My sister had Donny Osmond on the wall - not a poster actually, Donny Osmond.
Richard: I saw the Spice Girls. They misrepresent entertainment.
This is Paul’s 87th win
Next post will be the picspam of this season.