Paul Project: HIGNFY Season 13 observation, quotes, and pic spam part 1
Happy New Year, everyone. Hope everyone's having a wonderful time.
So here's a present for everyone: The return on the Paul Project!
Have I Got News For You
Season 13: Wll Self, Swampy, The Hamiltons, and what Paul does when he doesn't want to hear something.
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-01 18 Apr 1997 Fred MacAulay Swampy
New intro, starting this year.
Angus: Good evening and a cheery welcome to the show that's guaranteed to take you half an hour nearer to your own death.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket and red-pink button up long sleeve shirt.
According to Ian on the Very best of commentary, Swampy only came on the show because he wanted to sit next to Paul. Also, Paul commented that Swampy was a sweet boy.
Ian: I hate to bring up boring legal matters, but Mr. Self, the allegeded Smack head…
Fred: Send in the whores and whorem today!
Paul: I’ve got no idea.
Angus: In fact, did you know there was an election on?
Paul: It’s not been the foremost thing on my mind, no.
(Mix laughter-aww)
Ian: What, there’s been something else in the papers I missed?
Reason why Paul said this? Around this time, according to some reports, Paul’s marriage to Caroline was on the rocks and that week, they had divorced.
Ian: (Paul joked that Thatcher was a Spice Girl) She was called “Mad Spice”.
Swampy: (after hearing Neil Hamilton is a supporter of his cause) Excellent! Who is he?
Paul and Swampy’s Clip was on the Very best of.
ROUND TWO - SOAP STARS UNDER NEW LABOUR*:
*According to the Daily Mirror
Fred: I think this might be up to me!
Ian: Yeah, who are they?
Fred: Because there are some people here who don't know about soap operas - or soap!
Fred: Well, under a new Government, if it's Labour, if he has another two offences he'll be put away for life, because it's three strikes and you're out.
Swampy: Is that true?
Ian: Yeah!
Fred: Yes!
Ian: Three offences and it's the death penalty. Particularly for tunnelling!
Swampy laughs.
Paul: You wouldn't have any trouble escaping though, would you?! The actor's name is Norman Bowler.
Angus: Yes, and he had a reverse vasectomy.
Paul: A reverse one?
Angus: (struggling to explain) Yes. It means you have it, erm, un-snipped!
Ian: I'm not sure anyone wanted to know that, Angus!
Paul: But isn't a reverse vasectomy just nothing? Just don't do anything? That must be the opposite of vasectomy, unless it's where they take a big pair of pliers and go 'whack'!
Angus: Yes, I'm aware of what happens there.
Paul: Why are you aware? You're not having one done now are you?!
Angus checks that a vasectomy isn't currently underway...
Angus: Erm, no. Don't think so. I am aware... (struggling again) No, the reverse vasectomy occurs after you...
Paul: What are you doing with your hand?!
Angus quickly removes his hand from beneath the desk
Angus: But it hasn't got anything to do with what Labour would do with his life.
Paul: Melinda Messenger, is she the one who is really busy?
Paul: Does Michael Heseltine cover for Batman when he’s busy.
Guest Publication: WATER & EFFLUENT TREATMENT NEWS
Paul: He’s got a puma in his lower colon. Every time he has a shit, a baboon flies out.
“Butt welding for *what*” Fred: Pleasure. Paul: Is it for Diarrhoea sufferers?
This is Ian’s 38th win.
The “Tortoise stomping” pic was on the Very Best of Special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-02 25 Apr 1997 Hugh Dennis Will Self
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' which is going out at a different time this week, so if you've switched on trying to avoid us, we can only apologise.
Paul’s attire: dark blue jacket over light blue button up shirt
Will: I think the first person there, the man getting out of the car was Jacques Santer, the man who would be King of a united Europe, but he has to marry the Queen Mother, and she's already married to Phil Collins.
Ian: (to audience) Can someone check the toilet?!
Paul: It's probably all gone by now! No, the Queen Mother is married to Phil Collins!
Will: Yeah, and they're going to have a baby!
Paul: Yeah!
Will: Using a very artificial technique.
Angus: Right.
Will: And then you've got Peter Snow with his virtual reality penis.
Angus: I always thought it was called a swing-o-meter!
Will: It depends which way you hang, which way you hang.
Angus: Right, I'm beginning to understand.
Ian: Do you have the feeling that tonight we're the straight team, Hugh?
Hugh: I had some beer once!
Ian: Well, that's you sacked then!
Paul: The Tories, in a couple of polls, have suddenly closed the gap on Labour; it seems, because of people's worry about what is going to happen under Labour in Europe.
Angus: Yes, suddenly in at the death with the right answer!
Ian: (on the terrorist being caught while playing football) I think there’s a moral there…
Will: Eat football, drink football, die football.
Chocolate flavoured veggies?
Warning: subliminal messaging when Angus gives scores.
Will: (on a surgeon that’s Diana’s supposed to be banging) No, I think he’s a bit of a dish.
Paul: He’s lovely.
Will: He looks a bit like you, Ian.
Ian: (after making a face) You really have been taking something, have you?!
Paul: This moustache bypass, is this the one Swampy’s digging underneath?
Now Paul’s flirting with Angus!?
Leave it to Paul to combine Mike Tyson with a sex aid.
Angus: So am I to take it that you go no idea.
Will: We haven’t got a clue.
Ian: 38 bathrooms, Will would love that!
Will: One for every day of the month!
Dennis revealed that he and fellow guest Will Self were at school in Barnet together, and played in the rugby team, meaning that Dennis regularly had to stick his head next to Self's bottom.
Paul: They’ve all gone bonkers in the nut.
Damn, Will looks taller than Paul in some shots.
That lady cutting off her guy’s penis and string it up on a balloon? That’s what I call ‘getting revenge on your cheating hubby’.
Will: (after Ian says that Arnold got his heart valve from a pig) Not from Babe, I hope.
Ian: Yes. They killed it.
Will: (covers face) Oh no!
Paul accidentally repeats Ian’s answer, causing Ian to facepalm and Will to comfort him.
Guest Publication: ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN
The Hale-bopp comet Missing word was on the Very Best of Special.
Will: Hale-bopp!
Paul: Hale-bopp!
Will: Hale-bopp!
Paul: Hale-bopp!
“Old Lady kept *what* in handbag” Ian: John Major. Will: Hale-bopp!
This is Ian’s 39th win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-03 1 May 1997[2] Richard Wilson Nick Ross
Angus: Good evening and welcome to this Election Special and if you are one of the hundreds of people who rang up to complain about last week's flashing caption joke, we would like to express our sincere apologies. (Caption 'HUMOURLESS BASTARDS' flashes up)
The set’s altered for the Election special. Running the length of the set behind the panellists were three zig-zag lines in blue, red and yellow, indicating the colours of the three main political parties, while the symbols of each party were also used, with the Conservative Party torch placed on the desk in front of Ian and guest Richard Wilson, and the Labour Party rose in front of Paul and guest Nick Ross. In front of Angus was the wide-winged bird used as a symbol by the Liberal Democrats.
The John Major/conservatives in the news was on the Very Best of DVD
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over green button up shirt
ROUND ONE - ELECTION ANIMALS
Richard: I thought everyone was a Labour voter.
Ian: Could we get Nick to do an appeal? (Deep voice) Has anyone seen a chicken out there? Serious voice.
Richard: Does this have to do with the election?
Angus: Yes it is.
Angus: (King) is the only domestically trained lion in the UK.
Paul: What, he does the cleaning?
Ian: That’s a pretty useful lion!
Paul: Yeah, don’t bother doing the dishes, darling, Barry will do ‘em.
ROUND TWO - ON THE STUMP:
Ian & Richard - Kenneth Clarke and his huge shoes; John Major's volunteer street clearers for walkabouts; Margaret Thatcher states Labour would 'surrender' over fishing rights
Ian: That was Lady Thatcher.
Guy in audience: yea
Paul: And she’s here tonight!
Angus: What does Gordon Brown have one of that Clark has two of?
Richard tries not to laugh.
Ian: One spare tire around his waste?
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Thatcher pays for groceries with cheque but has no guarantee card
Ian: (After the answer bit was shown) That’s the free market for you! (cracks up, slams fist on table several times)
Paul & Nick - Paddy Ashdown plays a nurse, a car sprayer and a fishmonger
Richards comment about old people being called “Older People” was on the Very Best of special.
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Ashdown gets name of young wall climber wrong
Ian & Richard - free Labour video for younger voters featuring Tony Blair in denim shirt
Angus: Where was it taken from?
Ian: New Spice Girls video.
Paul & Nick - fringe candidates Trevor the Toe and Miss Moneypenny
Nick: These geneticists who come up with the idea that one day, men could breastfeed and I just thought of whether David Mellor and toe-sucking was one of the early experiments that had gone wrong.
Angus: What a horrible image.
Guest Publication: Party slogans, with the 'headlines' taken from backdrops during speeches
“Currie: After May 1st there will be *what*” Nick: Bloodshed.
The talk about the Cash slogan and Richard stating he’s an actor was on the Very Best of Special.
This is Ian’s 40th win.
Ian holds up 3 fingers to Paul in reference to the fact he’s won the three shows they’ve already played.
The Newsnight guy giving the bird bit was on the Very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-04 9 May 1997 Maureen Lipman Neil & Christine Hamilton[9]
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the dawning of a bold new era, as Ian Hislop is leading 3-0.
The Cherie Blair clip was in the Very Best of special.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over red-violet button up shirt
Paul, according to the commentary, did not like working with two people because it looked too crowded. Originally, only Christine had been due to appear, but she requested an extra seat be reserved for husband Neil (only a week after Martin Bell had famously ousted him from Parliament in the previous week's general election). This marks the only time where there have been more than five (human) panellists.
Angus: Round One involves identifying one or two major news stories of the week, beginning with Paul and the Hamiltons...
Paul: Ha!
Angus: ... with this slight event.
Paul: Sounds like it should be a film shouldn't it? Big Foot and the Hendersons!
Angus: Country and western band!
Paul: Yeah!
Ian: That was a cardboard cut-out, but it's terribly difficult to tell with Major!
Ian: It was one of the most brilliant evenings of television...
Maureen: Great night!
Ian: ... I've ever seen in my whole life! Every time you thought you could go to bed - no, there's another one going!
Neil and Christine enjoy the joke.
Ian: Everyone I know now measures that evening in terms of "so how late did you stay up? Did you stay up for Tatton?" "Yeah, obviously!" "Did you stay up for Portillo?" "Yeah!"
Angus: There was one other thing I was going to ask you - did you know what Mrs Thatcher's words of comfort to you all was?
Christine: Well, what did she say to the nation? I don't know.
Angus: She said she was very sorry for those who lost "an experience I never had."
Maureen: She's all heart isn't she?
Paul: But the Tories kicked her out. That's sort of losing isn't it?
Christine: No, she was never defeated at an election, that's what she means.
Paul: No. It was just the people she worked with that hated her!
The first clip about the Election was on the Very best of special.
Angus: And Tony Banks, of course, made three wishes, do you remember? Around Christmas time, what were they?
Ian: World peace and to travel. I've no idea.
Angus: He wanted to become Minister for Sport...
Ian: Right.
Angus: ... for Michael Howard to be abducted by aliens...
Maureen: Well that happened some years ago!
Neil: But they didn't like him and brought him back!
Angus: What was Redwood's pledge if he were to be elected?
Paul: Erm...
Ian: To boldly go where no man has been before!
Paul: Sorry, just suddenly I got confused by what you said. It sounded like a furniture polish - Redwood Pledge!
Maureen: Yep!
Neil: I think I could successfully unite the party because they would all be against me!
Maureen: That's the Proms. And the organiser of the Proms, Mr Kenyon I believe, has decided that it's time to put Beatles' numbers in the Proms. Very rightly.
Ian: There was Frank Zappa as well.
Maureen: Oh, Frank Zappa?
Angus: Yeah.
Ian: So you're going to have a bit of Marla, a bit of Chopin, and then the great album 'Titties and Beer'!
Paul makes a face.
Angus: It was a great album that, wasn't it?
Ian: Terrific album but not necessarily what you want to hear at the Royal Albert Hall during the Proms.
Angus: Are you familiar with Mr Zappa's work?
Christine: I'm not familiar with that whole story. We haven't read the papers this week so I didn't know what that was all about.
Angus: Did you not know you were coming on this programme?!
Paul: Have you actually heard the election result?!
Ian: Shall we do a replay? 'I, the returning officer for Tatton...'
Christine: No, no!
Ian: Oh, all right!
Neil: Last Thursday was the last time I saw a man in a white suit.
Christine: Oh yes, there's another one!
Angus: Yes, the lucky white suit.
Christine: Angus's is a smart white suit. It's got creases in the right place. He obviously hasn't slept in it.
Maureen: He's got loads of them Christine, those suits, those white suits. All from the old 'Randall and Hopkirk' videos!
After hearing Paul explain a bizarre tabloid story, Christine brilliantly took the mickey out of Ian's famous post-libel case quote when she said: "If you expect me to believe that I'm a banana."
Neil: How do you screw a toothpaste tube anyway?
Paul: Nononono.
Ian: Ask David Mellor!
EEEE, Ian’s in his own Odd one Out. And Neil’s in it as well.
Maureen: Cute picture, Ian.
Neil: What are you doing with that other hand?
Maureen: What are you doing with that dog?!
Guest Publication: RITZ MAGAZINE
“*What* is possible at the Ritz” Paul: Anything. Christine: Anything. Ian: Raiding the mini-bar.
This was on the very best of special.
Neil: It’s much better telling Political jokes than being one.
This is Ian’s 41st win.
The end bit with the handing of the brown envelops filled with money was on the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-05 16 May 1997 Jack Docherty Greg Dyke
Paul’s attire: grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt
Angus: There were many breaks in tradition.
Paul: Yeah, (the Queen) did balloon tricks. (mimes it)
Paul: Why should I tell you what you already know? What would be the point in that?
Angus: It’s the idea of the ‘quiz’, Paul.
Jack: (a conveyor belt of chocolates) Anne Widdecombes’s breakfast.
And there’s the first joke-reference to Michael Howard being a vampire.
The Jeremy Paxon TV bit was on the very best of special.
Jack: This is the first instance of a machine outwitting a human being, other than my dad and the video recorder.
Angus: Mine, too.
Ian: Is that what he says when your on!?
Greg’s little comments about TV-the chess playing computer was on the Very best of.
Ian: I’m pretty up on this internet stuff!
Angus: (about a computer chess player) It can consider 2 hundred million positions at a time.
Ian makes a “REALLY?” face.
Ian: Sounds like David Mellor. (lots of laughter)
Paul: I didn’t know there were 200 million positions. I can think of 4. And one of them involves a horse.
ROUND TWO - SPECIAL OFFERS:
The House of 1,000 Arseholes is local slang for a Hong Kong building named the House of 1,000 Portholes.
Ian: Does it have anything to do with “feng Shui”?
Paul: You dirty sod!
Ian: (After hearing that Paul could’ve been in Greg’s Odd One Out) Oh, they’re all Assholes!!
Guest Publication: CHANNEL 5 MAGAZINE
This is Ian’s 42nd win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-06 23 May 1997 Sue Perkins Eve Pollard
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you've just turned over from Channel 5, I don't blame you.
Paul’s attire: blue suit jacket over blue-green plaid button up shirt
Eve: Women might have a sex life if they don’t have a sponsor, wouldn’t it?
Paul: That’s right. I’ve got no idea what that means, but I agree with you.
Eve: I’ll draw you a diagram later.
Paul: Thank you.
Sue: (On being shown a clip of a dried-out reservoir) That's a close-up of Peter Mandelson's tongue the night after Labour won.
Paul: (after Angus asked if Ian watched Teletubbies) He’s actually auditioned for them!
Paul’s reaction to learning that there was a poet named Rambo was priceless.
Eve: You can always tell when someone is going to leave a newspaper because they get 'What Car?', because they know their car is going to be improved.
Angus: Round seven - doesn’t exist.
Paul: Bill Clinton had syphilis, but he didn’t inhale.
Angus: Symptoms of syphilis include violent mood swings, a tendency to repeat yourself, and violent mood swings. (Laughter) SHIT, I already said that!
Guest Publication: IN BED WITH EVE (from the SUNDAY MIRROR)
“Queen may share *what* with Blair” Paul: Needle.
This is Paul’s 72nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-07 30 May 1997 Martin Clunes Michael Parkinson
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you are watching the Saturday night repeat of this show, don't worry, the incident with the sheep has been edited out.
Paul’s attire: cream coloured jacket over black button up shirt
Little musical cue when Michael is introduced. The music is, I’m guessing, from his chat show.
Paul: (on Paula Jones being able to identify Clinton by his genitalia) Is that in a blindfold test?
Martin: It’s a doorstep challenge.
Paul: He does use it as a doorstep apparently.
Martin: (on women going to North Pole) Good news for lady… explorers.
Paul: (after saying Tomato Plants are what Polar Bears fear) You show me a tomato plant and I’ll show you a polar bear who shitting himself!
Michael: (On how he and a co-presenter of a radio show were interrupted by a naked Oliver Reed in the studio) Elaine Strich was in the middle of an anecdote and she turned round and with perfect timing said 'My dear Oliver - and friend!'
Ian is so absolutely cute! His discussion of potatoes and polar bears and sexual conquests was utterly Ian. Plus it utterly confused Paul.
Angus: Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdala Bucaram?
Paul: Nope.
Angus: Well I’m gonna tell you anyway.
Paul: Well I don’t wanna know!
Angus: Well then I’m gonna tell you
Paul: We’ll when this bit comes up, I’ll turn the telly off. And I’m gonna go (fingers in ears) “La la la la, I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!” (Laughter abound) You can’t make me know this!
Ian: Is this what you were like in school? I could imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn’t…
Paul: CSE, CSE un-graded!
Angus: Excellent work. Right, well, you better start shouting now, ‘cause here we go. Mr. A-
Paul: DADADADADADA!! (Lots of laughter)
Angus: -Bucar-
Paul: DADADA!
Angus: -Return-
Paul: RADEDADA! (Makes a face)
Ian: This is like being at home with my two-year-old!
Martin: (to Angus) Why don’t you let me say it, I dunno-
Paul: No, I’d like to hear Martin say it!
Martin: (takes the card) Right-o. Mr. Abda-
Paul: (bopping his head back and forth) DADADADADADA! (Smiles, Martin gives Angus back the card)
Ian: What about Michael? What about someone on your side?
Martin: Ah!
Paul: Yes, I’d like to hear Michael say it!
Michael: (given the card, puts on glasses) Mr. Abda-
Paul: (bopping his head back and forth) BADADADADADA!!! (More laughter)
Michael: You read it then! (Hands the card to Paul)
Paul: Yes, I’ll read it.
Ian: Everybody… (Paul does a double-take as he reads the card)
Martin: Let’s throw water at him, out of our glasses…
Paul: THAT NEVER HAPPENED! (Reads it again) I think that’s funny, you should read that out! (Hands it back over to Angus)
Angus: And guess what would happen if I did?
Paul’s total sillyness during Odd One Out, where he keeps interrupting Angus when he’s trying to say something about the president of Ecuador was on the Very best of Special. Paul repeats his actions on the commentary, minus the “Lalala” sounds effects.
Ian: Barbara Cartland originally came from the moon.
Guest Publication: HOT DIP GALVANIZING
“‘Big is Beautiful’ sums up *what*” Martin: Fat people politely.
Angus: You seem to know a lot about this!
Paul: Well, I did Metal Work!!
This is Paul’s 73rd win
Ian and Martin are given “Best of Parkinson” for losing. Martin notes that the book is a library book!
Episode cuts off here.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-08 6 Jun 1997 Dominic Holland Germaine Greer
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and a message for anyone watching at home - get out of my house.
Paul’s attire: brown suede jacket over light blue button up shirt
Ian: That’s Blair trying out his ears in a wind tunnel.
Paul: “How many quarters in 5” what? (laughter) Is that 5 oranges or 5 Volkswagens, I mean what- hap- you know?
Ian: It’s the same number, doesn’t matter if it’s an orange or a Volkswagen.
Paul: Oh, try telling that to the Automobile Association! (Ian laughs) Suddenly get a phone call that there’s an orange broken down on the M-1. Ian Hislop said there wasn’t a difference between an orange or a Volkswagen.
Angus: Well it could’ve been an orange or a Polkswagon, I suppose…
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Angus: (confused) I can’t- I don’t hear what I said.
Angus: (to Germaine) Did you ever talk about the sterilization of men on your program?
Paul does a double take.
Germaine: I cannot remember.
Paul: YOU CAN’T REMEMBER?!
Germaine: I don’t think-
Paul: I remember!
There’s an extended bit here on the Pirate video about New Zealander accents and how some words sound dirty when they’re not.
Ian: (After Germaine said that the sperm count is dropping as Ian sits there) As I look at you, Germaine, it’s down to zero! (loud laughter)
Germaine: Are you sure?
Dominic: (on Robin Cook's beard) If you've got red hair, you don't grow more hair than you need, do you?
Angus: (reading out what a tour book said to bring when visiting England) …Thongs…?
Germaine: It’s so you won’t get Verruca’s.
Angus looks startled.
Paul: (while Germaine and Ian debate about past Kings) What is everybody talking about!?!
Dominic: George Bush was decorated during the war… for marrying Barbara.
Guest Publication: BATTERIES INTERNATIONAL
“*What* gives you back your life” Germaine: Divorce. Paul: Reincarnation
Paul’s rant about teaching a squid how to drive is hysterical!
This is Paul’s 74th win
Next post will be the picspam of this season.
So here's a present for everyone: The return on the Paul Project!
Have I Got News For You
Season 13: Wll Self, Swampy, The Hamiltons, and what Paul does when he doesn't want to hear something.
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-01 18 Apr 1997 Fred MacAulay Swampy
New intro, starting this year.
Angus: Good evening and a cheery welcome to the show that's guaranteed to take you half an hour nearer to your own death.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket and red-pink button up long sleeve shirt.
According to Ian on the Very best of commentary, Swampy only came on the show because he wanted to sit next to Paul. Also, Paul commented that Swampy was a sweet boy.
Ian: I hate to bring up boring legal matters, but Mr. Self, the allegeded Smack head…
Fred: Send in the whores and whorem today!
Paul: I’ve got no idea.
Angus: In fact, did you know there was an election on?
Paul: It’s not been the foremost thing on my mind, no.
(Mix laughter-aww)
Ian: What, there’s been something else in the papers I missed?
Reason why Paul said this? Around this time, according to some reports, Paul’s marriage to Caroline was on the rocks and that week, they had divorced.
Ian: (Paul joked that Thatcher was a Spice Girl) She was called “Mad Spice”.
Swampy: (after hearing Neil Hamilton is a supporter of his cause) Excellent! Who is he?
Paul and Swampy’s Clip was on the Very best of.
ROUND TWO - SOAP STARS UNDER NEW LABOUR*:
*According to the Daily Mirror
Fred: I think this might be up to me!
Ian: Yeah, who are they?
Fred: Because there are some people here who don't know about soap operas - or soap!
Fred: Well, under a new Government, if it's Labour, if he has another two offences he'll be put away for life, because it's three strikes and you're out.
Swampy: Is that true?
Ian: Yeah!
Fred: Yes!
Ian: Three offences and it's the death penalty. Particularly for tunnelling!
Swampy laughs.
Paul: You wouldn't have any trouble escaping though, would you?! The actor's name is Norman Bowler.
Angus: Yes, and he had a reverse vasectomy.
Paul: A reverse one?
Angus: (struggling to explain) Yes. It means you have it, erm, un-snipped!
Ian: I'm not sure anyone wanted to know that, Angus!
Paul: But isn't a reverse vasectomy just nothing? Just don't do anything? That must be the opposite of vasectomy, unless it's where they take a big pair of pliers and go 'whack'!
Angus: Yes, I'm aware of what happens there.
Paul: Why are you aware? You're not having one done now are you?!
Angus checks that a vasectomy isn't currently underway...
Angus: Erm, no. Don't think so. I am aware... (struggling again) No, the reverse vasectomy occurs after you...
Paul: What are you doing with your hand?!
Angus quickly removes his hand from beneath the desk
Angus: But it hasn't got anything to do with what Labour would do with his life.
Paul: Melinda Messenger, is she the one who is really busy?
Paul: Does Michael Heseltine cover for Batman when he’s busy.
Guest Publication: WATER & EFFLUENT TREATMENT NEWS
Paul: He’s got a puma in his lower colon. Every time he has a shit, a baboon flies out.
“Butt welding for *what*” Fred: Pleasure. Paul: Is it for Diarrhoea sufferers?
This is Ian’s 38th win.
The “Tortoise stomping” pic was on the Very Best of Special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-02 25 Apr 1997 Hugh Dennis Will Self
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' which is going out at a different time this week, so if you've switched on trying to avoid us, we can only apologise.
Paul’s attire: dark blue jacket over light blue button up shirt
Will: I think the first person there, the man getting out of the car was Jacques Santer, the man who would be King of a united Europe, but he has to marry the Queen Mother, and she's already married to Phil Collins.
Ian: (to audience) Can someone check the toilet?!
Paul: It's probably all gone by now! No, the Queen Mother is married to Phil Collins!
Will: Yeah, and they're going to have a baby!
Paul: Yeah!
Will: Using a very artificial technique.
Angus: Right.
Will: And then you've got Peter Snow with his virtual reality penis.
Angus: I always thought it was called a swing-o-meter!
Will: It depends which way you hang, which way you hang.
Angus: Right, I'm beginning to understand.
Ian: Do you have the feeling that tonight we're the straight team, Hugh?
Hugh: I had some beer once!
Ian: Well, that's you sacked then!
Paul: The Tories, in a couple of polls, have suddenly closed the gap on Labour; it seems, because of people's worry about what is going to happen under Labour in Europe.
Angus: Yes, suddenly in at the death with the right answer!
Ian: (on the terrorist being caught while playing football) I think there’s a moral there…
Will: Eat football, drink football, die football.
Chocolate flavoured veggies?
Warning: subliminal messaging when Angus gives scores.
Will: (on a surgeon that’s Diana’s supposed to be banging) No, I think he’s a bit of a dish.
Paul: He’s lovely.
Will: He looks a bit like you, Ian.
Ian: (after making a face) You really have been taking something, have you?!
Paul: This moustache bypass, is this the one Swampy’s digging underneath?
Now Paul’s flirting with Angus!?
Leave it to Paul to combine Mike Tyson with a sex aid.
Angus: So am I to take it that you go no idea.
Will: We haven’t got a clue.
Ian: 38 bathrooms, Will would love that!
Will: One for every day of the month!
Dennis revealed that he and fellow guest Will Self were at school in Barnet together, and played in the rugby team, meaning that Dennis regularly had to stick his head next to Self's bottom.
Paul: They’ve all gone bonkers in the nut.
Damn, Will looks taller than Paul in some shots.
That lady cutting off her guy’s penis and string it up on a balloon? That’s what I call ‘getting revenge on your cheating hubby’.
Will: (after Ian says that Arnold got his heart valve from a pig) Not from Babe, I hope.
Ian: Yes. They killed it.
Will: (covers face) Oh no!
Paul accidentally repeats Ian’s answer, causing Ian to facepalm and Will to comfort him.
Guest Publication: ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN
The Hale-bopp comet Missing word was on the Very Best of Special.
Will: Hale-bopp!
Paul: Hale-bopp!
Will: Hale-bopp!
Paul: Hale-bopp!
“Old Lady kept *what* in handbag” Ian: John Major. Will: Hale-bopp!
This is Ian’s 39th win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-03 1 May 1997[2] Richard Wilson Nick Ross
Angus: Good evening and welcome to this Election Special and if you are one of the hundreds of people who rang up to complain about last week's flashing caption joke, we would like to express our sincere apologies. (Caption 'HUMOURLESS BASTARDS' flashes up)
The set’s altered for the Election special. Running the length of the set behind the panellists were three zig-zag lines in blue, red and yellow, indicating the colours of the three main political parties, while the symbols of each party were also used, with the Conservative Party torch placed on the desk in front of Ian and guest Richard Wilson, and the Labour Party rose in front of Paul and guest Nick Ross. In front of Angus was the wide-winged bird used as a symbol by the Liberal Democrats.
The John Major/conservatives in the news was on the Very Best of DVD
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over green button up shirt
ROUND ONE - ELECTION ANIMALS
Richard: I thought everyone was a Labour voter.
Ian: Could we get Nick to do an appeal? (Deep voice) Has anyone seen a chicken out there? Serious voice.
Richard: Does this have to do with the election?
Angus: Yes it is.
Angus: (King) is the only domestically trained lion in the UK.
Paul: What, he does the cleaning?
Ian: That’s a pretty useful lion!
Paul: Yeah, don’t bother doing the dishes, darling, Barry will do ‘em.
ROUND TWO - ON THE STUMP:
Ian & Richard - Kenneth Clarke and his huge shoes; John Major's volunteer street clearers for walkabouts; Margaret Thatcher states Labour would 'surrender' over fishing rights
Ian: That was Lady Thatcher.
Guy in audience: yea
Paul: And she’s here tonight!
Angus: What does Gordon Brown have one of that Clark has two of?
Richard tries not to laugh.
Ian: One spare tire around his waste?
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Thatcher pays for groceries with cheque but has no guarantee card
Ian: (After the answer bit was shown) That’s the free market for you! (cracks up, slams fist on table several times)
Paul & Nick - Paddy Ashdown plays a nurse, a car sprayer and a fishmonger
Richards comment about old people being called “Older People” was on the Very Best of special.
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Ashdown gets name of young wall climber wrong
Ian & Richard - free Labour video for younger voters featuring Tony Blair in denim shirt
Angus: Where was it taken from?
Ian: New Spice Girls video.
Paul & Nick - fringe candidates Trevor the Toe and Miss Moneypenny
Nick: These geneticists who come up with the idea that one day, men could breastfeed and I just thought of whether David Mellor and toe-sucking was one of the early experiments that had gone wrong.
Angus: What a horrible image.
Guest Publication: Party slogans, with the 'headlines' taken from backdrops during speeches
“Currie: After May 1st there will be *what*” Nick: Bloodshed.
The talk about the Cash slogan and Richard stating he’s an actor was on the Very Best of Special.
This is Ian’s 40th win.
Ian holds up 3 fingers to Paul in reference to the fact he’s won the three shows they’ve already played.
The Newsnight guy giving the bird bit was on the Very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-04 9 May 1997 Maureen Lipman Neil & Christine Hamilton[9]
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the dawning of a bold new era, as Ian Hislop is leading 3-0.
The Cherie Blair clip was in the Very Best of special.
Paul’s attire: black suit jacket over red-violet button up shirt
Paul, according to the commentary, did not like working with two people because it looked too crowded. Originally, only Christine had been due to appear, but she requested an extra seat be reserved for husband Neil (only a week after Martin Bell had famously ousted him from Parliament in the previous week's general election). This marks the only time where there have been more than five (human) panellists.
Angus: Round One involves identifying one or two major news stories of the week, beginning with Paul and the Hamiltons...
Paul: Ha!
Angus: ... with this slight event.
Paul: Sounds like it should be a film shouldn't it? Big Foot and the Hendersons!
Angus: Country and western band!
Paul: Yeah!
Ian: That was a cardboard cut-out, but it's terribly difficult to tell with Major!
Ian: It was one of the most brilliant evenings of television...
Maureen: Great night!
Ian: ... I've ever seen in my whole life! Every time you thought you could go to bed - no, there's another one going!
Neil and Christine enjoy the joke.
Ian: Everyone I know now measures that evening in terms of "so how late did you stay up? Did you stay up for Tatton?" "Yeah, obviously!" "Did you stay up for Portillo?" "Yeah!"
Angus: There was one other thing I was going to ask you - did you know what Mrs Thatcher's words of comfort to you all was?
Christine: Well, what did she say to the nation? I don't know.
Angus: She said she was very sorry for those who lost "an experience I never had."
Maureen: She's all heart isn't she?
Paul: But the Tories kicked her out. That's sort of losing isn't it?
Christine: No, she was never defeated at an election, that's what she means.
Paul: No. It was just the people she worked with that hated her!
The first clip about the Election was on the Very best of special.
Angus: And Tony Banks, of course, made three wishes, do you remember? Around Christmas time, what were they?
Ian: World peace and to travel. I've no idea.
Angus: He wanted to become Minister for Sport...
Ian: Right.
Angus: ... for Michael Howard to be abducted by aliens...
Maureen: Well that happened some years ago!
Neil: But they didn't like him and brought him back!
Angus: What was Redwood's pledge if he were to be elected?
Paul: Erm...
Ian: To boldly go where no man has been before!
Paul: Sorry, just suddenly I got confused by what you said. It sounded like a furniture polish - Redwood Pledge!
Maureen: Yep!
Neil: I think I could successfully unite the party because they would all be against me!
Maureen: That's the Proms. And the organiser of the Proms, Mr Kenyon I believe, has decided that it's time to put Beatles' numbers in the Proms. Very rightly.
Ian: There was Frank Zappa as well.
Maureen: Oh, Frank Zappa?
Angus: Yeah.
Ian: So you're going to have a bit of Marla, a bit of Chopin, and then the great album 'Titties and Beer'!
Paul makes a face.
Angus: It was a great album that, wasn't it?
Ian: Terrific album but not necessarily what you want to hear at the Royal Albert Hall during the Proms.
Angus: Are you familiar with Mr Zappa's work?
Christine: I'm not familiar with that whole story. We haven't read the papers this week so I didn't know what that was all about.
Angus: Did you not know you were coming on this programme?!
Paul: Have you actually heard the election result?!
Ian: Shall we do a replay? 'I, the returning officer for Tatton...'
Christine: No, no!
Ian: Oh, all right!
Neil: Last Thursday was the last time I saw a man in a white suit.
Christine: Oh yes, there's another one!
Angus: Yes, the lucky white suit.
Christine: Angus's is a smart white suit. It's got creases in the right place. He obviously hasn't slept in it.
Maureen: He's got loads of them Christine, those suits, those white suits. All from the old 'Randall and Hopkirk' videos!
After hearing Paul explain a bizarre tabloid story, Christine brilliantly took the mickey out of Ian's famous post-libel case quote when she said: "If you expect me to believe that I'm a banana."
Neil: How do you screw a toothpaste tube anyway?
Paul: Nononono.
Ian: Ask David Mellor!
EEEE, Ian’s in his own Odd one Out. And Neil’s in it as well.
Maureen: Cute picture, Ian.
Neil: What are you doing with that other hand?
Maureen: What are you doing with that dog?!
Guest Publication: RITZ MAGAZINE
“*What* is possible at the Ritz” Paul: Anything. Christine: Anything. Ian: Raiding the mini-bar.
This was on the very best of special.
Neil: It’s much better telling Political jokes than being one.
This is Ian’s 41st win.
The end bit with the handing of the brown envelops filled with money was on the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-05 16 May 1997 Jack Docherty Greg Dyke
Paul’s attire: grey suit jacket over light blue button up shirt
Angus: There were many breaks in tradition.
Paul: Yeah, (the Queen) did balloon tricks. (mimes it)
Paul: Why should I tell you what you already know? What would be the point in that?
Angus: It’s the idea of the ‘quiz’, Paul.
Jack: (a conveyor belt of chocolates) Anne Widdecombes’s breakfast.
And there’s the first joke-reference to Michael Howard being a vampire.
The Jeremy Paxon TV bit was on the very best of special.
Jack: This is the first instance of a machine outwitting a human being, other than my dad and the video recorder.
Angus: Mine, too.
Ian: Is that what he says when your on!?
Greg’s little comments about TV-the chess playing computer was on the Very best of.
Ian: I’m pretty up on this internet stuff!
Angus: (about a computer chess player) It can consider 2 hundred million positions at a time.
Ian makes a “REALLY?” face.
Ian: Sounds like David Mellor. (lots of laughter)
Paul: I didn’t know there were 200 million positions. I can think of 4. And one of them involves a horse.
ROUND TWO - SPECIAL OFFERS:
The House of 1,000 Arseholes is local slang for a Hong Kong building named the House of 1,000 Portholes.
Ian: Does it have anything to do with “feng Shui”?
Paul: You dirty sod!
Ian: (After hearing that Paul could’ve been in Greg’s Odd One Out) Oh, they’re all Assholes!!
Guest Publication: CHANNEL 5 MAGAZINE
This is Ian’s 42nd win.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-06 23 May 1997 Sue Perkins Eve Pollard
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you've just turned over from Channel 5, I don't blame you.
Paul’s attire: blue suit jacket over blue-green plaid button up shirt
Eve: Women might have a sex life if they don’t have a sponsor, wouldn’t it?
Paul: That’s right. I’ve got no idea what that means, but I agree with you.
Eve: I’ll draw you a diagram later.
Paul: Thank you.
Sue: (On being shown a clip of a dried-out reservoir) That's a close-up of Peter Mandelson's tongue the night after Labour won.
Paul: (after Angus asked if Ian watched Teletubbies) He’s actually auditioned for them!
Paul’s reaction to learning that there was a poet named Rambo was priceless.
Eve: You can always tell when someone is going to leave a newspaper because they get 'What Car?', because they know their car is going to be improved.
Angus: Round seven - doesn’t exist.
Paul: Bill Clinton had syphilis, but he didn’t inhale.
Angus: Symptoms of syphilis include violent mood swings, a tendency to repeat yourself, and violent mood swings. (Laughter) SHIT, I already said that!
Guest Publication: IN BED WITH EVE (from the SUNDAY MIRROR)
“Queen may share *what* with Blair” Paul: Needle.
This is Paul’s 72nd win
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-07 30 May 1997 Martin Clunes Michael Parkinson
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you are watching the Saturday night repeat of this show, don't worry, the incident with the sheep has been edited out.
Paul’s attire: cream coloured jacket over black button up shirt
Little musical cue when Michael is introduced. The music is, I’m guessing, from his chat show.
Paul: (on Paula Jones being able to identify Clinton by his genitalia) Is that in a blindfold test?
Martin: It’s a doorstep challenge.
Paul: He does use it as a doorstep apparently.
Martin: (on women going to North Pole) Good news for lady… explorers.
Paul: (after saying Tomato Plants are what Polar Bears fear) You show me a tomato plant and I’ll show you a polar bear who shitting himself!
Michael: (On how he and a co-presenter of a radio show were interrupted by a naked Oliver Reed in the studio) Elaine Strich was in the middle of an anecdote and she turned round and with perfect timing said 'My dear Oliver - and friend!'
Ian is so absolutely cute! His discussion of potatoes and polar bears and sexual conquests was utterly Ian. Plus it utterly confused Paul.
Angus: Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdala Bucaram?
Paul: Nope.
Angus: Well I’m gonna tell you anyway.
Paul: Well I don’t wanna know!
Angus: Well then I’m gonna tell you
Paul: We’ll when this bit comes up, I’ll turn the telly off. And I’m gonna go (fingers in ears) “La la la la, I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you!” (Laughter abound) You can’t make me know this!
Ian: Is this what you were like in school? I could imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn’t…
Paul: CSE, CSE un-graded!
Angus: Excellent work. Right, well, you better start shouting now, ‘cause here we go. Mr. A-
Paul: DADADADADADA!! (Lots of laughter)
Angus: -Bucar-
Paul: DADADA!
Angus: -Return-
Paul: RADEDADA! (Makes a face)
Ian: This is like being at home with my two-year-old!
Martin: (to Angus) Why don’t you let me say it, I dunno-
Paul: No, I’d like to hear Martin say it!
Martin: (takes the card) Right-o. Mr. Abda-
Paul: (bopping his head back and forth) DADADADADADA! (Smiles, Martin gives Angus back the card)
Ian: What about Michael? What about someone on your side?
Martin: Ah!
Paul: Yes, I’d like to hear Michael say it!
Michael: (given the card, puts on glasses) Mr. Abda-
Paul: (bopping his head back and forth) BADADADADADA!!! (More laughter)
Michael: You read it then! (Hands the card to Paul)
Paul: Yes, I’ll read it.
Ian: Everybody… (Paul does a double-take as he reads the card)
Martin: Let’s throw water at him, out of our glasses…
Paul: THAT NEVER HAPPENED! (Reads it again) I think that’s funny, you should read that out! (Hands it back over to Angus)
Angus: And guess what would happen if I did?
Paul’s total sillyness during Odd One Out, where he keeps interrupting Angus when he’s trying to say something about the president of Ecuador was on the Very best of Special. Paul repeats his actions on the commentary, minus the “Lalala” sounds effects.
Ian: Barbara Cartland originally came from the moon.
Guest Publication: HOT DIP GALVANIZING
“‘Big is Beautiful’ sums up *what*” Martin: Fat people politely.
Angus: You seem to know a lot about this!
Paul: Well, I did Metal Work!!
This is Paul’s 73rd win
Ian and Martin are given “Best of Parkinson” for losing. Martin notes that the book is a library book!
Episode cuts off here.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s13-08 6 Jun 1997 Dominic Holland Germaine Greer
Angus: Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and a message for anyone watching at home - get out of my house.
Paul’s attire: brown suede jacket over light blue button up shirt
Ian: That’s Blair trying out his ears in a wind tunnel.
Paul: “How many quarters in 5” what? (laughter) Is that 5 oranges or 5 Volkswagens, I mean what- hap- you know?
Ian: It’s the same number, doesn’t matter if it’s an orange or a Volkswagen.
Paul: Oh, try telling that to the Automobile Association! (Ian laughs) Suddenly get a phone call that there’s an orange broken down on the M-1. Ian Hislop said there wasn’t a difference between an orange or a Volkswagen.
Angus: Well it could’ve been an orange or a Polkswagon, I suppose…
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Angus: (confused) I can’t- I don’t hear what I said.
Angus: (to Germaine) Did you ever talk about the sterilization of men on your program?
Paul does a double take.
Germaine: I cannot remember.
Paul: YOU CAN’T REMEMBER?!
Germaine: I don’t think-
Paul: I remember!
There’s an extended bit here on the Pirate video about New Zealander accents and how some words sound dirty when they’re not.
Ian: (After Germaine said that the sperm count is dropping as Ian sits there) As I look at you, Germaine, it’s down to zero! (loud laughter)
Germaine: Are you sure?
Dominic: (on Robin Cook's beard) If you've got red hair, you don't grow more hair than you need, do you?
Angus: (reading out what a tour book said to bring when visiting England) …Thongs…?
Germaine: It’s so you won’t get Verruca’s.
Angus looks startled.
Paul: (while Germaine and Ian debate about past Kings) What is everybody talking about!?!
Dominic: George Bush was decorated during the war… for marrying Barbara.
Guest Publication: BATTERIES INTERNATIONAL
“*What* gives you back your life” Germaine: Divorce. Paul: Reincarnation
Paul’s rant about teaching a squid how to drive is hysterical!
This is Paul’s 74th win
Next post will be the picspam of this season.