Paul Project: HIGNFY Season 9 observation, quotes, and pic spam part 1
Sorry for the long delay in posting this. I've been spelunking around in other areas (Been looknig at a lot of Michael Jackson stuff) and dealnig with a bit of stress with my dad's OTHER foot geting messed up (his left one was already messed up and now his other foot's messed up)
So, while I have a small moment of relaxation, here's series 9 of the Paul Project/HIGNFY pic spam/review
Have I Got News For You
Season 9: Julian Clary, Spike Milligan, Ian sings, "Fuck-me shoes", and Paul's odd Odd One Out image.
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-01 21 Apr 1995 Diane Abbott Julian Clary
Angus: Good evening and welcome to another series of satirical news-based panel games which two teams contest and Paul Merton wins.
The joke at the beginning about Robin Cook and Stephen Fry maybe related to Stephen's now infamous "disappearance" from London when his bipolar disorder struck and he tried to commit suicide and ended up running away to Belgium. How weird to be laughing at it now we know what was up with poor Stephen.
Paul’s Attire: cream coloured jacket over black shirt.
Ian: (on the bit where the guy hits the camera with a kid) Now that’s what I call a balanced bit of BBC programming!
Paul: (a bunch of kids on ice-skates in the clip) Torvel and Dean had kids.
Julian: (to Paul) Well I was going to say something. It’s every man for himself, right?
Paul: Absolutely. (laughter) You find that an unusual position for you to be in? (Julian puts a hand on Paul’s lap, then removes it)
Julian: (to Angus, after the laughter’s died down) Can I answer, then?
Angus: Please. Yes, I can feel it’s going to get terribly camp around here. (to Julian) Yes, by all means.
Julian: What was that you said under your breath? (Angus laughs)
Angus: Any form of answer will be welcome.
Julian: (to Paul) Not much up there is there?
Paul: Yeah.
Paul: (on Eric Cantona) He got arrested for attacking a bloke in the cheep seats.
Julian: (about Angus, to Paul) Do people really like him?
Paul: Well, women like him.
Julian: Women like him?
Paul: They do, yeah.
Julian: I can’t see the appeal. (Angus laughs)
Paul: You see, people appear different on television; we know he looks like that.
Julian leans in for a closer look at Angus.
Julian’s so handsome.
Ian: (on the fact someone disguised themselves as a Lawyer to break into jail) Really, well he should be inside there already.
Angus: It is painful to say that you are right.
Julian: (on Princess Di) She has slept with Prince Charles.
Angus: That’s not a scandal.
Paul: Yes, but it’s a rarity.
Ian: Only one of them was in ZZTop.
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS *('GOING DOWN'):
*All the Missing Words questions concerned sentences handed down for a variety of offences.
After Angus introduces the round as “Going Down” and the basis of it, there is laughter and Julian checks under Angus’s desk to see it anything was going on underneath.
Ian: Master of the single-entondre.
Julian: Don’t you start on me.
Ian: No worries here, Julian.
Julian: I'll try to hide my disappointment.
Laughter, applause.
Paul: Would be a challenge, though, wouldn’t it?
Julian: I’ll refer to character. (laughter)
Paul: You can do it on “You Bet”. In three minutes. You’d have to tie him up against the wall.
Ian: I’d have to be.
Angus: Where were we? Oh yes.
Angus: Just imagine that you’re wearing a wig and stockings. Just imagination Julian.
Diane: (On the OJ Simpson trial, which was ongoing) He's obviously guilty.
Ian looks horrified.
“2 YEARS FOR WHITEHALL CHARWOMAN WHO __________ WITH TOP SECRET MILITARY DOCUMENTS” Julian: Climaxed.
The “Oi Dickhead” comment news was on the Very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-02 28 Apr 1995 Eddie Izzard Michael Winner
Paul’s attire: light blue jacket over dark blue button up shirt.
Angus: (after Michael gave him a pair of signed briefs) They’re absolutely gorgeous, what can I say.
Ian: And very large obviously.
Michael: Paul, I was a great admirer of Winston Churchill and I saw him in the House.
Paul: What - your house?
Ian: Your house, yeah!
Michael: I was patriotic, not in the Army, but patriotic.
Paul: Yeah. An alcoholic though.
Michael: Yes he was. Pissed as a newt.
Paul: You know, with the VE Day fiftieth anniversary coming up and stuff, I'm sick of all these adverts for these records "Songs That Won The War.” Why did we bother having an Army, if these songs won the war? Send Vera Lynn out to Africa to sing a couple of choruses of "Roll Out The Barrel" and the German Army say "We can't compete with these lyrics"!
Angus: Yes, it's the use of 13 million pounds of National Lottery funds...
Ian: To go the Churchills. I know, it is a disgrace.
Paul: (laughs) Why is he just repeating the answer two minutes later in the vain hope that somebody's already forgotten I have already said it?
Ian: Winston Churchill's papers, which should have been given free to the nation anyway by this rather greedy family, have actually been sold off on the threat that "oh by the way, we've got some interest from American academics and we might flog it off to them". So the National Lottery, instead of giving twelve million quid to, I don't know, researching into cancer or saving small children who are dying, said "Oh let's give Winston Churchill and his family twelve million quid". Strikes me as rather revolting.
(huge applause)
Ian: Their grandfather would have had a fit. And that's patriotism.
Paul: No, he would have had a drink!
Paul: Even if you are a plastic dinosaur, put a 40 watt bulb in instead of a 60 watt.
Eddie: Do I know what I’m talking about, no.
Angus: They ban anything that isn’t square or too red enough.
Paul: What about buses?
Angus: Yeah, they’ll ban them as well. What about Tony Blair?
Paul: The Turbot is the only one with twin engines.
Paul: Is Mr. Blobby the only one who’s been dumped for Drunk Driving.
Eddie: He said “Smile, and I’ll paint this groovy photo…”
Ian: “Photo”? I knew he invented the helicopter, but I didn’t know he was ahead of his time.
Eddie: What does Teresa Gorman have on top of her face?
Paul: Two trained caterpillars.
Paul: You’re saying she’s got tattooed eyebrows?! How do we know that she’s got a tattooed face?
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING DOWN'):
“Three months for growing potatoes *where*” Paul: In Michael Winner’s underpants.
*The winners received a copy of John Gummer's 'Energy Tips' while the losers received a copy of John Gummer's 'Beauty Tips'.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-03 5 May 1995 John Fortune John Bird
Crappy quality screenshots alert. Quality’s a bit dark, so I’ve tried to brighten the screens a bit.
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the week's news in capsule form - that's cyanide capsule, of course.
The video problem/Tab of LSD joke was on the Very Best of special.
Paul’s attire: dark blue, almost black jacket over khaki button up shirt.
Angus: Nothing gets past you, Ian.
Ian: Nope. Except for points.
Fortune: (On the BBC's missing money) They mislaid about £20 million, and people in the accounts department were saying, 'You had it last'!
LOL! Mario and Donkey Kong joke from Angus!
Fortune: Apparently, the worst thing you can take if you’re a spider is not heroin, which makes you go a bit loopy, but coffee.
Ian: Except marijuana, ‘cause when they gave that to the spiders, they made about half a web and then they just… gave up. (laughter) Sat around, talked absolute rubbish for an hour.
Angus: And then went and bought some chocolate from a late night petrole- petrol (laughs)
Ian: They started talking like that!
Paul suggests that Ian hosts his own show about the ‘supernatural’ and that he’d watch it.
Angus: Why are they giving all these spiders these drugs?
Ian: For a laugh.
Bird: Anyone can get on a QUANGO providing they are intimate with a Tory MP, so that rules out Norma Major.
Guest Publication: AUSTRALIAN GOAT WORLD
“Mrs T was *what* admits Blair” Paul: Married to member of A-Team.
Caption Contest:
Fortune: Is that a gravel path, or are you just pleased to see me?
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-04 12 May 1995 Steve Wright Alan Cumming
EEE! KERMIT in the In the News!
Paul’s attire: Black suit jacket over light green button up jacket
Alan: (Talking about a celebrity party he attended) Prince Edward walked in and I got really excited, because behind him was Bianca from 'EastEnders'.
Ian: I bet she was really excited to see TV’s Angus Deayton there.
Steve: (When shown footage of himself with three other Radio 1 DJs) There's Saddam Hussein at the back.
Paul: (a nude butt) That’s where a hand grenade shouldn’t go.
*Each team was given an illustrative photo posed by models and asked to identify the story to which it was connected.
Alan brings up a Queen mother puppet after Angus threatens to take points from him and Paul.
Paul: (after Ian implied that Paul wore a wig) Would anyone by a wig like this?
Paul: Axel Rose is the only one whose name is an anagram of Oral sex.
Ian: Tony Blair’s name is an anagram of Tory Blan B.
Angus: It’s also an anagram of Oral Binty.
Guest Publications: The Times & The Observer, VE Day 1945
(all headlines were taken from those newspapers)
“*What* in enemy’s rear” Angus: (after laughter) Not hand grenade this time.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-05 19 May 1995 Fred MacAulay Germaine Greer
New credits starting here
Paul’s attire: Tan jacket, matching vest, and white and black chequered shirt
LOL! Piers Morgan in Paul and Germaine’s clip ^0^
Angus: But you have been in the news this week haven't you?
Germaine: Moi?
Angus: Mmm. Resigning from newspapers and that sort of thing.
Germaine: How can you resign from a newspaper that never employed you? I was just writing a column for them, I just won't be writing any more. I haven't even written the letter. I haven't had time to write the letter. I've been too busy trying to avoid any further sleaze.
Ian: I should explain that Germaine has had a terrific spat with another writer on the Guardian, and she ended up calling a fellow feminist "a woman who had bird's nest hair, three fat inches of cleavage, and wore 'fuck me' shoes!" (laughter)
Germaine: You know, that's actually incorrect! What I actually said was that women who are self-destructive, in particular those women whose self-image is so low that they cannot appear in public without their hair bird's nested all over the place, three inches of exposed cleavage and 'fuck me' shoes. I didn't actually name anybody!
Ian: This was in a piece about Suzanne Moore though, wasn't it?
Germaine: She had been named...
Ian: I mean, I hate to put two and two together.
Germaine: She had been...look, what really happened was...
Paul: Why would shoes want to be fucked anyway?
Germaine: It's not the shoes! The shoes are a signal.
Ian: What sort of shoes are you wearing, Germaine?
Germaine: Er, 'DON'T fuck me' shoes! 'Leave me alone’ shoes ‘or I'll kick you in the face' shoes.
Ian: Just checking!
Germaine: But the oddest thing about all that was that column was a negotiating document. There were twelve hefty insults and I thought I could trade it down and get away with three or four. Instead, somebody gave the piece that would never ever be printed to the Evening Standard. Now why would somebody working for the Guardian give a Guardian column that had never been printed to the Evening Standard?
Angus: We may never care. Er, know!
Germaine: I care! It's to do with standards in public life for Heaven's sake!
Angus: And you have challenged her to a mud-wrestling match as well.
Germaine: No! I said that the column was mud-wrestling and they should just sit back and enjoy it, that it was a sport!
Paul: Can you get 'fuck me' socks?
Germaine’s “Fuck-me Shoes” comments, which lead to Paul’s “Fuck-me socks” add on, was on the Very best of, with a little extra stuff to it. On the commentary, Paul & Ian say they were allowed to get away with a certain number of un-bleeped 'fucks' because the word was key to an actual news story. Interestingly the funniest line is cut here when Paul, referring to the sock concept, says "You open them at Christmas and say 'fuck me, socks!'" One frivolous 'fuck' too many, I guess.
Fred: (On Sinn Fein's wooing of the United States) They only let Gerry Adams into America because they thought he was Grizzly's little cousin.
Ian: Who is Dave Letterman? Sort of an American version Postman Pat?
Angus: Launched by, amongst others, Bishop of Wakefield. (Paul laughs)
Ian: Is that a private joke?
Paul: It is unless I tell someone else.
ROUND TWO - *THROUGH THE KEYHOLE:
*Each team was given a look at two celebrity homes and asked to identify the owner.
Ian: (about converting to Muslim) You try to convert back, it’s Fatwa time!
Paul: And you’ll end up with a pair of Fatwa shoes.
Ian: (on the pubic hair) That’s the Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Germaine: Baywatch, the implant show.
Ian: (after Germaine called Ken gay) Is this an outing show?
Paul: Where are we going? Should’ve brought sandwiches.
Ian: UB40 is a lot of them.
Angus: That’s one of the most pathetic answers I’ve ever heard.
Paul: Well then… no, I won’t give the answer until they’ve exhausted every possibility.
Ian: No, don’t let stop you, Mr. Swat!
Fred: Ian, I know why Paul always wins. He’s rather good in the game.
Paul: (after Fred made Pig noises) What have you got under that desk?
Fred: Lord Lucan.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-06 26 May 1995 Frank Skinner Raoul Heertje
Cruddy quality footage alert! I attempted to brighten the footage the best I could.
Angus: Good welcome and evening to the first mistake of the programme.
Paul’s attire: light blue jacket over lighter blue shirt.
Frank: The audience looks rather blue here, you can’t tell when you watch it on the tele. It looks like a bloody Smurf convention.
Frank: I went to (a pensioner’s party) once.
Ian: Did you get off with someone?
Raoul: (On a permanently unsettled Dutch political party for pensioners) The problem is they are really old so the leadership changes all the time.
Paul: That white line on the floor, does it mean that a square has been murdered?
ROUND TWO - *OPINION POLLS:
*Each contestant was given a percentage category and six possibilities within that category. Using the rules of pontoon as a rough guideline, they were not allowed to exceed 21.
Paul: (to Raoul, who already got 0 points) Stick, stick!
Ian’s “impressions” come back.
Paul: I can do Peter Loore.
And he does a really good one, too.
Ian doing his Jimmy Sommerville impression and sings “Lets Twist Again”! LOL!
Paul: (After Angus introduced “Uranus”) How did you get that photograph? Oh, the planet, sorry!
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING DOWN'):
Merton tantrum!
Paul: You may have never won a libel case, but you certainly know what a libel victor looks like.
Ian: (laughs, pauses) Big fat eyebrows, two sons- Oops! (Covers mouth, laughter, to someone off-stage) You can edit that, luv.
Paul: “Edit that, luv”?! (laughter) Who’s this, Lionel Blair?! (Ian laughs) You can edit that, luv!
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-07 2 Jun 1995 Tim Rice Terry Major-Ball
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show and for those of you watching on video, congratulations for having something better to do on a Friday night.
Paul’s shirt: Green-blue button up shirt
Ian: And then… looks like a…
Tim: It’s a tank, Ian.
Ian: Oh. (laughs) Thanks.
(On the visit to Bosnia of 62HH glamour model Pandora Peaks)
Paul: She’ll never drown.
Angus: No, that’s true.
Terry: She'll do a lot of damage if she explodes, though.
Paul and Terry’s Clip about the Thatchers and the talk about Private Eye was on the very best of.
Ian: (after footage of peep shows are shown) This isn’t another program your presenting, is it Angus?
Paul: There’s a sign there for “Naughty Drinks”, what’s a “Naughty Drinks”? Split-crotch Pepsi or something? Peep-hole cure all? I guess it all depends on where you put the straw.
While Ian talks at length about a massage parlour close to his office.
Tim: (looks at him, points at his chest) Is that the club tie?
Ian: (after Tim noted that Clinton forgot to remove the caps off his binoculars) And then he said “Who’s that amazing looking broad over there on the beach”?
Angus: Time now for, uh… (to a laughing Paul) Sorry to interrupt.
Paul: No, he just saying “I wished you’d just speed it up a bit, the pub shuts at ten.”
Angus: (checking watch) That’ll work well at Quarter past ten. (laughter) When it goes out.
The hostility between Angus and Paul is very evident in this episode...
Paul: (about Terry) He's thick as pig shit, that one.
Paul: Is it Chubby Checker?
Angus: I have a strange feeling of Deja-vu.
Paul: I thought you’d say that.
Paul is in Ian’s Odd One Out and IS the Odd One Out.
Paul: (on his very odd image in Ian’s Odd One Out) That’s not fair, I was very ill that day!!
Angus: It’s actually taken from the Sunday Mirror.
Ian: I think this is actually a Body Building question. The Odd One Out is obvious. (Paul glares at him) Unless you count Body Building the Pavarotti way!
Paul: This is a bit difficult to take from a bald headed short-ass! (laughter)
Ian: Good to see that legendary repartee in action!
Paul: He started it!
Ian: Cleverest Man in England! “Bald headed short-ass”.
Paul: Know your name!
Terry laughs and then coughs really loudly.
Angus: Are you all right?
Ian: This is about people who go to the gym to build up their body. Princess Di goes-
Paul: Where’d you think I got that neck?!
Paul: Man with very large penis stands in the back of the room. (laughter) It could happen, that’s my theory. And the bloke who’s got the little blue book to the right is going “There’s no need for that, Brian”. And the bloke with the glasses and the little lapel thing is saying “I could rest me beer on that!”
The Penis joke from Ian and Tim’s caption was in the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-08 9 Jun 1995 Spike Milligan Andrew Neil
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the present series and as we enter the final contest, nothing could be more exciting than having Ian trailing by just one game, but unfortunately he is trailing by three, so excitement doesn't really come into it.
On the commentary, they state that Spike had tried to come on the show many times before, but the producers were afraid he’d say something stupid.
Paul’s attire: Dark blue jacket over white floral Hawaiian shirt
Ian: Oh that’s William Waldergrave, pronounced “Liar”.
Spike: (On a man who has planted landmines in his garden to deter intruders) He hasn't caught a burglar yet, but he has lost his left arm.
Who the hell would bread a gay fruit fly?!
Spike: I don’t like it. And I’m not gay.
Ian: Well, good. Thank goodness for that.
Spike: Yes, thank you goodness!
(laughter)
Angus: Welcome back.
Andrew: (On his Odd One Out) Sooty is the only one in a TV show presented by a human.
Angus: (laughs) Oh, hello, yes, it’s started, right.
Paul: It’s been going on for quite some time, you just hadn’t noticed yet.
Angus: Hadn’t noticed, yes.
Spike: I think Sooty there is the only one whose got crabs.
When talking about advertising and that HIGNFY never does that, Angus flashes the HIGNFY video tape and book.
Spike: The sheep did it.
Angus: It’s not a “Who dunnit”, Spike, it’s an Odd One Out.
Ian: Now, Jeffrey Archer…
Spike: He’s a *Beep*
Spike’s Talk about Jeffrey Archer was on the Very best of special.
The picspam will come shortly
So, while I have a small moment of relaxation, here's series 9 of the Paul Project/HIGNFY pic spam/review
Have I Got News For You
Season 9: Julian Clary, Spike Milligan, Ian sings, "Fuck-me shoes", and Paul's odd Odd One Out image.
Names in Bold denote the winner of that episode
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-01 21 Apr 1995 Diane Abbott Julian Clary
Angus: Good evening and welcome to another series of satirical news-based panel games which two teams contest and Paul Merton wins.
The joke at the beginning about Robin Cook and Stephen Fry maybe related to Stephen's now infamous "disappearance" from London when his bipolar disorder struck and he tried to commit suicide and ended up running away to Belgium. How weird to be laughing at it now we know what was up with poor Stephen.
Paul’s Attire: cream coloured jacket over black shirt.
Ian: (on the bit where the guy hits the camera with a kid) Now that’s what I call a balanced bit of BBC programming!
Paul: (a bunch of kids on ice-skates in the clip) Torvel and Dean had kids.
Julian: (to Paul) Well I was going to say something. It’s every man for himself, right?
Paul: Absolutely. (laughter) You find that an unusual position for you to be in? (Julian puts a hand on Paul’s lap, then removes it)
Julian: (to Angus, after the laughter’s died down) Can I answer, then?
Angus: Please. Yes, I can feel it’s going to get terribly camp around here. (to Julian) Yes, by all means.
Julian: What was that you said under your breath? (Angus laughs)
Angus: Any form of answer will be welcome.
Julian: (to Paul) Not much up there is there?
Paul: Yeah.
Paul: (on Eric Cantona) He got arrested for attacking a bloke in the cheep seats.
Julian: (about Angus, to Paul) Do people really like him?
Paul: Well, women like him.
Julian: Women like him?
Paul: They do, yeah.
Julian: I can’t see the appeal. (Angus laughs)
Paul: You see, people appear different on television; we know he looks like that.
Julian leans in for a closer look at Angus.
Julian’s so handsome.
Ian: (on the fact someone disguised themselves as a Lawyer to break into jail) Really, well he should be inside there already.
Angus: It is painful to say that you are right.
Julian: (on Princess Di) She has slept with Prince Charles.
Angus: That’s not a scandal.
Paul: Yes, but it’s a rarity.
Ian: Only one of them was in ZZTop.
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS *('GOING DOWN'):
*All the Missing Words questions concerned sentences handed down for a variety of offences.
After Angus introduces the round as “Going Down” and the basis of it, there is laughter and Julian checks under Angus’s desk to see it anything was going on underneath.
Ian: Master of the single-entondre.
Julian: Don’t you start on me.
Ian: No worries here, Julian.
Julian: I'll try to hide my disappointment.
Laughter, applause.
Paul: Would be a challenge, though, wouldn’t it?
Julian: I’ll refer to character. (laughter)
Paul: You can do it on “You Bet”. In three minutes. You’d have to tie him up against the wall.
Ian: I’d have to be.
Angus: Where were we? Oh yes.
Angus: Just imagine that you’re wearing a wig and stockings. Just imagination Julian.
Diane: (On the OJ Simpson trial, which was ongoing) He's obviously guilty.
Ian looks horrified.
“2 YEARS FOR WHITEHALL CHARWOMAN WHO __________ WITH TOP SECRET MILITARY DOCUMENTS” Julian: Climaxed.
The “Oi Dickhead” comment news was on the Very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-02 28 Apr 1995 Eddie Izzard Michael Winner
Paul’s attire: light blue jacket over dark blue button up shirt.
Angus: (after Michael gave him a pair of signed briefs) They’re absolutely gorgeous, what can I say.
Ian: And very large obviously.
Michael: Paul, I was a great admirer of Winston Churchill and I saw him in the House.
Paul: What - your house?
Ian: Your house, yeah!
Michael: I was patriotic, not in the Army, but patriotic.
Paul: Yeah. An alcoholic though.
Michael: Yes he was. Pissed as a newt.
Paul: You know, with the VE Day fiftieth anniversary coming up and stuff, I'm sick of all these adverts for these records "Songs That Won The War.” Why did we bother having an Army, if these songs won the war? Send Vera Lynn out to Africa to sing a couple of choruses of "Roll Out The Barrel" and the German Army say "We can't compete with these lyrics"!
Angus: Yes, it's the use of 13 million pounds of National Lottery funds...
Ian: To go the Churchills. I know, it is a disgrace.
Paul: (laughs) Why is he just repeating the answer two minutes later in the vain hope that somebody's already forgotten I have already said it?
Ian: Winston Churchill's papers, which should have been given free to the nation anyway by this rather greedy family, have actually been sold off on the threat that "oh by the way, we've got some interest from American academics and we might flog it off to them". So the National Lottery, instead of giving twelve million quid to, I don't know, researching into cancer or saving small children who are dying, said "Oh let's give Winston Churchill and his family twelve million quid". Strikes me as rather revolting.
(huge applause)
Ian: Their grandfather would have had a fit. And that's patriotism.
Paul: No, he would have had a drink!
Paul: Even if you are a plastic dinosaur, put a 40 watt bulb in instead of a 60 watt.
Eddie: Do I know what I’m talking about, no.
Angus: They ban anything that isn’t square or too red enough.
Paul: What about buses?
Angus: Yeah, they’ll ban them as well. What about Tony Blair?
Paul: The Turbot is the only one with twin engines.
Paul: Is Mr. Blobby the only one who’s been dumped for Drunk Driving.
Eddie: He said “Smile, and I’ll paint this groovy photo…”
Ian: “Photo”? I knew he invented the helicopter, but I didn’t know he was ahead of his time.
Eddie: What does Teresa Gorman have on top of her face?
Paul: Two trained caterpillars.
Paul: You’re saying she’s got tattooed eyebrows?! How do we know that she’s got a tattooed face?
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING DOWN'):
“Three months for growing potatoes *where*” Paul: In Michael Winner’s underpants.
*The winners received a copy of John Gummer's 'Energy Tips' while the losers received a copy of John Gummer's 'Beauty Tips'.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-03 5 May 1995 John Fortune John Bird
Crappy quality screenshots alert. Quality’s a bit dark, so I’ve tried to brighten the screens a bit.
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the week's news in capsule form - that's cyanide capsule, of course.
The video problem/Tab of LSD joke was on the Very Best of special.
Paul’s attire: dark blue, almost black jacket over khaki button up shirt.
Angus: Nothing gets past you, Ian.
Ian: Nope. Except for points.
Fortune: (On the BBC's missing money) They mislaid about £20 million, and people in the accounts department were saying, 'You had it last'!
LOL! Mario and Donkey Kong joke from Angus!
Fortune: Apparently, the worst thing you can take if you’re a spider is not heroin, which makes you go a bit loopy, but coffee.
Ian: Except marijuana, ‘cause when they gave that to the spiders, they made about half a web and then they just… gave up. (laughter) Sat around, talked absolute rubbish for an hour.
Angus: And then went and bought some chocolate from a late night petrole- petrol (laughs)
Ian: They started talking like that!
Paul suggests that Ian hosts his own show about the ‘supernatural’ and that he’d watch it.
Angus: Why are they giving all these spiders these drugs?
Ian: For a laugh.
Bird: Anyone can get on a QUANGO providing they are intimate with a Tory MP, so that rules out Norma Major.
Guest Publication: AUSTRALIAN GOAT WORLD
“Mrs T was *what* admits Blair” Paul: Married to member of A-Team.
Caption Contest:
Fortune: Is that a gravel path, or are you just pleased to see me?
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-04 12 May 1995 Steve Wright Alan Cumming
EEE! KERMIT in the In the News!
Paul’s attire: Black suit jacket over light green button up jacket
Alan: (Talking about a celebrity party he attended) Prince Edward walked in and I got really excited, because behind him was Bianca from 'EastEnders'.
Ian: I bet she was really excited to see TV’s Angus Deayton there.
Steve: (When shown footage of himself with three other Radio 1 DJs) There's Saddam Hussein at the back.
Paul: (a nude butt) That’s where a hand grenade shouldn’t go.
*Each team was given an illustrative photo posed by models and asked to identify the story to which it was connected.
Alan brings up a Queen mother puppet after Angus threatens to take points from him and Paul.
Paul: (after Ian implied that Paul wore a wig) Would anyone by a wig like this?
Paul: Axel Rose is the only one whose name is an anagram of Oral sex.
Ian: Tony Blair’s name is an anagram of Tory Blan B.
Angus: It’s also an anagram of Oral Binty.
Guest Publications: The Times & The Observer, VE Day 1945
(all headlines were taken from those newspapers)
“*What* in enemy’s rear” Angus: (after laughter) Not hand grenade this time.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-05 19 May 1995 Fred MacAulay Germaine Greer
New credits starting here
Paul’s attire: Tan jacket, matching vest, and white and black chequered shirt
LOL! Piers Morgan in Paul and Germaine’s clip ^0^
Angus: But you have been in the news this week haven't you?
Germaine: Moi?
Angus: Mmm. Resigning from newspapers and that sort of thing.
Germaine: How can you resign from a newspaper that never employed you? I was just writing a column for them, I just won't be writing any more. I haven't even written the letter. I haven't had time to write the letter. I've been too busy trying to avoid any further sleaze.
Ian: I should explain that Germaine has had a terrific spat with another writer on the Guardian, and she ended up calling a fellow feminist "a woman who had bird's nest hair, three fat inches of cleavage, and wore 'fuck me' shoes!" (laughter)
Germaine: You know, that's actually incorrect! What I actually said was that women who are self-destructive, in particular those women whose self-image is so low that they cannot appear in public without their hair bird's nested all over the place, three inches of exposed cleavage and 'fuck me' shoes. I didn't actually name anybody!
Ian: This was in a piece about Suzanne Moore though, wasn't it?
Germaine: She had been named...
Ian: I mean, I hate to put two and two together.
Germaine: She had been...look, what really happened was...
Paul: Why would shoes want to be fucked anyway?
Germaine: It's not the shoes! The shoes are a signal.
Ian: What sort of shoes are you wearing, Germaine?
Germaine: Er, 'DON'T fuck me' shoes! 'Leave me alone’ shoes ‘or I'll kick you in the face' shoes.
Ian: Just checking!
Germaine: But the oddest thing about all that was that column was a negotiating document. There were twelve hefty insults and I thought I could trade it down and get away with three or four. Instead, somebody gave the piece that would never ever be printed to the Evening Standard. Now why would somebody working for the Guardian give a Guardian column that had never been printed to the Evening Standard?
Angus: We may never care. Er, know!
Germaine: I care! It's to do with standards in public life for Heaven's sake!
Angus: And you have challenged her to a mud-wrestling match as well.
Germaine: No! I said that the column was mud-wrestling and they should just sit back and enjoy it, that it was a sport!
Paul: Can you get 'fuck me' socks?
Germaine’s “Fuck-me Shoes” comments, which lead to Paul’s “Fuck-me socks” add on, was on the Very best of, with a little extra stuff to it. On the commentary, Paul & Ian say they were allowed to get away with a certain number of un-bleeped 'fucks' because the word was key to an actual news story. Interestingly the funniest line is cut here when Paul, referring to the sock concept, says "You open them at Christmas and say 'fuck me, socks!'" One frivolous 'fuck' too many, I guess.
Fred: (On Sinn Fein's wooing of the United States) They only let Gerry Adams into America because they thought he was Grizzly's little cousin.
Ian: Who is Dave Letterman? Sort of an American version Postman Pat?
Angus: Launched by, amongst others, Bishop of Wakefield. (Paul laughs)
Ian: Is that a private joke?
Paul: It is unless I tell someone else.
ROUND TWO - *THROUGH THE KEYHOLE:
*Each team was given a look at two celebrity homes and asked to identify the owner.
Ian: (about converting to Muslim) You try to convert back, it’s Fatwa time!
Paul: And you’ll end up with a pair of Fatwa shoes.
Ian: (on the pubic hair) That’s the Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Germaine: Baywatch, the implant show.
Ian: (after Germaine called Ken gay) Is this an outing show?
Paul: Where are we going? Should’ve brought sandwiches.
Ian: UB40 is a lot of them.
Angus: That’s one of the most pathetic answers I’ve ever heard.
Paul: Well then… no, I won’t give the answer until they’ve exhausted every possibility.
Ian: No, don’t let stop you, Mr. Swat!
Fred: Ian, I know why Paul always wins. He’s rather good in the game.
Paul: (after Fred made Pig noises) What have you got under that desk?
Fred: Lord Lucan.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-06 26 May 1995 Frank Skinner Raoul Heertje
Cruddy quality footage alert! I attempted to brighten the footage the best I could.
Angus: Good welcome and evening to the first mistake of the programme.
Paul’s attire: light blue jacket over lighter blue shirt.
Frank: The audience looks rather blue here, you can’t tell when you watch it on the tele. It looks like a bloody Smurf convention.
Frank: I went to (a pensioner’s party) once.
Ian: Did you get off with someone?
Raoul: (On a permanently unsettled Dutch political party for pensioners) The problem is they are really old so the leadership changes all the time.
Paul: That white line on the floor, does it mean that a square has been murdered?
ROUND TWO - *OPINION POLLS:
*Each contestant was given a percentage category and six possibilities within that category. Using the rules of pontoon as a rough guideline, they were not allowed to exceed 21.
Paul: (to Raoul, who already got 0 points) Stick, stick!
Ian’s “impressions” come back.
Paul: I can do Peter Loore.
And he does a really good one, too.
Ian doing his Jimmy Sommerville impression and sings “Lets Twist Again”! LOL!
Paul: (After Angus introduced “Uranus”) How did you get that photograph? Oh, the planet, sorry!
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING DOWN'):
Merton tantrum!
Paul: You may have never won a libel case, but you certainly know what a libel victor looks like.
Ian: (laughs, pauses) Big fat eyebrows, two sons- Oops! (Covers mouth, laughter, to someone off-stage) You can edit that, luv.
Paul: “Edit that, luv”?! (laughter) Who’s this, Lionel Blair?! (Ian laughs) You can edit that, luv!
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-07 2 Jun 1995 Tim Rice Terry Major-Ball
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the show and for those of you watching on video, congratulations for having something better to do on a Friday night.
Paul’s shirt: Green-blue button up shirt
Ian: And then… looks like a…
Tim: It’s a tank, Ian.
Ian: Oh. (laughs) Thanks.
(On the visit to Bosnia of 62HH glamour model Pandora Peaks)
Paul: She’ll never drown.
Angus: No, that’s true.
Terry: She'll do a lot of damage if she explodes, though.
Paul and Terry’s Clip about the Thatchers and the talk about Private Eye was on the very best of.
Ian: (after footage of peep shows are shown) This isn’t another program your presenting, is it Angus?
Paul: There’s a sign there for “Naughty Drinks”, what’s a “Naughty Drinks”? Split-crotch Pepsi or something? Peep-hole cure all? I guess it all depends on where you put the straw.
While Ian talks at length about a massage parlour close to his office.
Tim: (looks at him, points at his chest) Is that the club tie?
Ian: (after Tim noted that Clinton forgot to remove the caps off his binoculars) And then he said “Who’s that amazing looking broad over there on the beach”?
Angus: Time now for, uh… (to a laughing Paul) Sorry to interrupt.
Paul: No, he just saying “I wished you’d just speed it up a bit, the pub shuts at ten.”
Angus: (checking watch) That’ll work well at Quarter past ten. (laughter) When it goes out.
The hostility between Angus and Paul is very evident in this episode...
Paul: (about Terry) He's thick as pig shit, that one.
Paul: Is it Chubby Checker?
Angus: I have a strange feeling of Deja-vu.
Paul: I thought you’d say that.
Paul is in Ian’s Odd One Out and IS the Odd One Out.
Paul: (on his very odd image in Ian’s Odd One Out) That’s not fair, I was very ill that day!!
Angus: It’s actually taken from the Sunday Mirror.
Ian: I think this is actually a Body Building question. The Odd One Out is obvious. (Paul glares at him) Unless you count Body Building the Pavarotti way!
Paul: This is a bit difficult to take from a bald headed short-ass! (laughter)
Ian: Good to see that legendary repartee in action!
Paul: He started it!
Ian: Cleverest Man in England! “Bald headed short-ass”.
Paul: Know your name!
Terry laughs and then coughs really loudly.
Angus: Are you all right?
Ian: This is about people who go to the gym to build up their body. Princess Di goes-
Paul: Where’d you think I got that neck?!
Paul: Man with very large penis stands in the back of the room. (laughter) It could happen, that’s my theory. And the bloke who’s got the little blue book to the right is going “There’s no need for that, Brian”. And the bloke with the glasses and the little lapel thing is saying “I could rest me beer on that!”
The Penis joke from Ian and Tim’s caption was in the very best of special.
Index Air date Ian's guest Paul's guest
s09-08 9 Jun 1995 Spike Milligan Andrew Neil
Angus: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the present series and as we enter the final contest, nothing could be more exciting than having Ian trailing by just one game, but unfortunately he is trailing by three, so excitement doesn't really come into it.
On the commentary, they state that Spike had tried to come on the show many times before, but the producers were afraid he’d say something stupid.
Paul’s attire: Dark blue jacket over white floral Hawaiian shirt
Ian: Oh that’s William Waldergrave, pronounced “Liar”.
Spike: (On a man who has planted landmines in his garden to deter intruders) He hasn't caught a burglar yet, but he has lost his left arm.
Who the hell would bread a gay fruit fly?!
Spike: I don’t like it. And I’m not gay.
Ian: Well, good. Thank goodness for that.
Spike: Yes, thank you goodness!
(laughter)
Angus: Welcome back.
Andrew: (On his Odd One Out) Sooty is the only one in a TV show presented by a human.
Angus: (laughs) Oh, hello, yes, it’s started, right.
Paul: It’s been going on for quite some time, you just hadn’t noticed yet.
Angus: Hadn’t noticed, yes.
Spike: I think Sooty there is the only one whose got crabs.
When talking about advertising and that HIGNFY never does that, Angus flashes the HIGNFY video tape and book.
Spike: The sheep did it.
Angus: It’s not a “Who dunnit”, Spike, it’s an Odd One Out.
Ian: Now, Jeffrey Archer…
Spike: He’s a *Beep*
Spike’s Talk about Jeffrey Archer was on the Very best of special.
The picspam will come shortly