Against All Odds - Prequel to Affirmation Part 5
Sorry for not posting this in such a while, I've been busy. As you've seen in my previous posts, I had been working on my Paul Music Video and i'd like to thank everyone who's commented on it. I really did a lot of work on it.
So here's Part 5 in Against All Odds: In which Tony awakens, Paul and Tony talk, and true confessions are made, but not to each other.
This maybe a tissue-needer, so just be on your guard.
Title: Against All Odds
Author: Shinigami518
Rating: PG-13, but with some bits of R in it.
Main Character(s) and/or pairings: Tony/Paul (starts as friendship, turns to "?", and ends with solid love), Josie/Richard, Paul/Caroline (kinda rocky, but established), Josie/Greg friendship, Stephen/Tony Friendship, Richard/Paul Friendship, Ryan/Colin at end
Summary: In late 1996, after a taping of HIGNFY, Paul is told by Greg and Josie about Tony's downward spiral into darkness. This is what happened to Tony and Paul before Affirmation with some angst, some fluff, some H/C, some horror, and a happy ending that'll lead to the sequel to Affirmation.
View the last parts here:
prologue
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
View Affirmation here:
Epilogue, but with all parts linked
Part 5 - I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry
6:12 P.M.
St. Thomas Hospital
Room 27
The first thing Tony noticed, when he opened his eyes, was that the ceiling of where he was at the moment was egg-shell white, the same colour of hospital rooms.
Second thing he noted was that his wrists stung in soft pain. Searching his aching head, he tried to figure what caused the pain.
Trying to lift his hands to see the cause, he realized the third sign that something was weird. He had trouble lifting his left arm. Weakly looking over to his side, he saw what was pinning his arm down.
Paul laid slumped over the bed, his head, arms, and chest resting against the clean white sheets of the bed. His hair was messy, he had soft shadows under his eyes, along with tear trails marking his cheeks, and he had a barely visible five o’clock shadow. His right hand was gripping Tony’s left, both of Pauls hands still stained with dried blood. The sweatshirt sleeves were rolled back, and the front of his shirt, from what little Tony could see, was also stained slightly with dried blood as well.
Weakly and slowly, Tony raised his free hand and gently lifted Paul’s hand off his own. Once free, Tony lifted his left hand and gently stroked back Paul’s bangs, tucking a few strands behind Paul’s ear. In doing so, Tony saw the gauze around his wrists and a memory flashed into his mind.
Paul. So close. Gently brushing back his bangs. His eyes so soft, so sad, so full of concern. His voice so warm and soothing, and yet, why does he seem to be trembling. “Oh, Tony…, what the bloody hell happened to you?”
“Paul.” Tony whispered, slightly surprised by how rough his voice sounded, moving his hand on to the top of Paul’s clenched right hand.
A soft ‘mmm’ came from Paul’s lips as he moved slightly in response to Tony’s touch and to hearing his name. Tired blue eyes blinked open, unfocused at first, but after a few seconds, they were open completely. Paul let out a groan as he sat up, removing his hand from Tony’s grasp, mentally kicking himself for sleeping in such a uncomfortable position. He stretched and arched his back, getting all the kinks out of his neck and back, before noticing that the other person in the room was awake. His tired eyes widen as he stared at Tony, who was staring back at him, a weary smile on his face.
“T-Tony?” Paul gasped softly, almost terrified over what Tony’s reaction was in seeing him awaken next to him. Noticing that Tony didn’t look angry at all, just tired and confused, Paul relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.
“Hello, Paul.” Tony smiled tiredly. Paul was fighting back tears of joy when he heard Tony speak. He sounded tired, but almost like how he used to be years before. In the back of his mind, however, Paul knew that he wasn’t ok yet. He probably didn’t know about his condition and the tough road ahead of him. He frowned, remembering the conversation with the doctor. How was he supposed to tell Tony that he’s suffering from practically the same thing his best friend was already going through?
Tony noticed Paul’s change immediately and frowned as well. “Paul, what’s wrong?” Tony questioned, cocking an eyebrow. Paul looked down, staring at Tony’s bandaged wrists, trying to block out once more the memories of earlier that day.
“Do… do you know where you are, Tony?” Paul asked softly, avoiding eye contact with Tony. Tony pursed his lips together, momentary noting how dry they were and looked around. The stark white walls, the curtained window, the heart monitor, the IV drip, and the bandages around his wrists; he had a good idea where he was. He looked back up at Paul.
“Paul, why am I at the hospital? I… I remember being at home… you were there. You looked worried. And… upset, sad. I remember that. And…” Tony frown deepened, staring back down at his bandaged wrists. He gently touched the area where there was blood slowly seeping through the bandages of his left wrist with his right fingers, gently tracing where the cut was. “What… why did I… Did I do this?” Tony asked, slowly growing worried. What did he do and why couldn’t he remember? Paul took a deep breath and answered him.
“You were… trying to kill yourself.” Paul replied, voice slightly above a whisper. Tony’s brown eyes widen in surprise, and then soften in sadness as the memories came back. Pain. Anger. Sorrow. Depression. Rage. Tiredness. The blades from his shaver pressing against his wrists. Cocaine. Scotch. Paul telling him to talk. To hang on.
“You… saved me.” Tony whispered, trembling in shock and realization, looking back up at Paul, who nodded.
“I did.” Paul stated. Tony blinked several times, a few tears escaping his brown eyes. “I was scared, Tony.” Paul whispered truthfully, making Tony stare at him in shock.
“You? Scared?” Tony questioned, surprised by Paul’s revelation. For as long as he had known Paul, Tony had never seen him scared.
“Scared shitless. I thought you were going to… I thought we were going to lose you.” Paul replied, still not staring at Tony. Tony bit his lip, raising his hands slightly to look back at his bandaged wrists.
“What… what’s wrong with me?” Tony asked, troubled and afraid, a few more small tears rolling down his face.
“Aside from the fact you’ve been taking Cocaine and downing scotch and God knows what, apparently, you’re suffering from Bi-polar disorder. The same thing Stephen has.” Paul told him. Tony inhaled audibly, not expecting to hear that as the reason why he was behaving this way. His face fell as he lowered his head, his bangs shadowing his eyes.
“You sure?” Tony asked softly.
“That’s what the doc said.” Paul nodded.
“Who else knows?”
“Aside from you, me and the doc? Greg, Richard, Josie, Caroline, and Stephen. In fact, Stephen was the first who thought that might be what was wrong with you. Richard’s letting your family know what’s going on,” Paul let out a soft sigh, still looking away. “I… I’m sorry, Tony. If I had gotten to you sooner, then maybe you wouldn’t…” Paul paused, looking back up at Tony. He licked his lips, bit his lower lip for a second, then clicked his tongue before going on. It was time to ask him about that. The question that Stephen asked him still playing back through his mind.
“Tony?” Paul asked.
“Hmm?” Tony responded, not looking back at him. Paul took a deep breath. He had to know. Greg’s four words from the other day still confused him, what were Tony’s real feelings for him. Paul then spoke.
“Do you… love me?”
Tony looked back up at him, a pained look on his face as if he had been struck.
“Whu-What?” Tony gasped, rubbing his tired, tear-filled eyes. Paul took a second deep breath, mentally yelling at himself for being so blunt.
“I know it’s forward and, after all, you just came to after blood loss and you’re also on de-tox for the cocaine. It’s just that Greg told me that you loved me or something along those lines. So, uh, how do you feel… about me?” Paul asked, rubbing his left arm in apprehension.
“You-you shouldn’t worry too much about it. It’s… it’s just a silly boy-crush, Paul. Nothing too big for you to be afraid of.” Tony answered, a crooked smile on his face. Paul apprehension started to fade as he dropped his arms to his side, a look of relief crossing his face.
“Oh, oh, thank God. I-I mean it’s ok if you like guys; I’ve got no problem with that. Hell, look at Stephen, he’s gay, but that doesn’t change the fact he’s still our friend” Paul smiled back, now rubbing the back of his neck.
“Y-yeah, he is.” Tony nodded, his smile turning slightly wistful. Paul stood up and stretched, cracking his back slightly.
“I’ll let the doctor and the others know your ok.” Paul told Tony, patting the raven haired man’s hand, a somewhat forced smile on his face. He turned and made his way to the door.
“Paul!” Tony shouted suddenly, making Paul stop in his tracks. Turning slightly, Paul looked at Tony, a bit worried.
“Yeah?” Paul asked, his heart pounding faster slightly. Tony took a deep breath and blinked, shedding a few more tears. Paul could see that Tony wanted to say more, but was holding it back. Tony sighed and spoke.
“Thank you… for, you know, saving me.” Tony thanked the brunet, smiling. Paul sighed, and turned away to open the door of the room.
“It’s the least I could’ve done, Tony. You’d probably do the same for me.” Paul stated, lowering his head as he exited the room, closing the door softly behind him.
Stephen was making his way down the hall towards the room when he saw Paul exiting Tony’s room. Stephen hurried his pace when he spotted the brunet. Paul had been missing for many hours and he and the others had begun to worry. He was relieved to see him.
“Paul!” Stephen exclaimed, rushing over to the man in question. “How is he?” Stephen asked, wondering about the condition of his friend.
“Tell the doc Tony’s awake and aware of what’s going on. I told him what was wrong with him and he’s handling it the best he can right now.” Paul stated almost emotionlessly. Stephen furrowed his eyebrows in apprehension. Something had happened in that room, something that’s got Paul acting like this.
“Paul, is everything alright?” Stephen asked, concerned. Paul refused to look at the tall man.
“It’s nothing. I’m heading out.” Paul whispered, about to move past Stephen.
“Paul, what happened in there?” Stephen asked forcefully, grabbing Paul by his arms, spinning him around to face him. Paul looked away, eyes shadowed by his bangs.
“Paul, talk to me. What’s going on?” Stephen asked, now getting worried. What happened in there?
“I can’t see him again… not after all this.” Paul whispered, trembling slightly.
“What are you talking about?” Stephen raised an eyebrow, lessening his grip on Paul’s arms.
“I… I just can’t. I… it’s that… I don’t know… how I feel about him. I don’t know if I… if I love him as a friend or as a brother or… as something else,” Paul voice wavered slightly as he finally looked up at Stephen, fighting back tears. “I… I don’t know what to think, Stephen. I-I mean, I love Caroline. She’s my wife for crying out loud, but… but Tony… I’m… it’s just too much for me to deal with, Stephen, I’m sorry. I- I can’t see him again.” Paul broke down, tears threatening to fall once again for that day. He pushed pass Stephen, and ran back down the hall, away from him and away from Tony. Stephen soon lost sight of him as he disappeared through the metal doors and vanished into the distance.
Stephen shook his head before making his way to Tony’s room. The second he got to the room, he heard something that surprised him greatly.
Sobbing.
Stephen practically slammed open the door, new, fearful worries forming in his mind. He gasped softly once he saw what was inside.
Tony was lying on his side, back facing the door, trembling. He was almost completely curled up in a ball on the hospital bed, clutching his pillow as if it was the only thing keeping him alive. What was the worst of all were the wretched sobs escaping his lips as salty tears poured down his pale face.
Stephen couldn’t believe how small Tony looked, how lost, how afraid, how… broken. He slowly made his way over to his friend until he reached the bed, stopping a few inches from it.
“Tony…?” Stephen whispered.
“I… I couldn’t tell him…” Tony whispered. Stephen raised an eyebrow. “I wanted… wanted so badly to… to tell him ho-how I felt… how I-I felt about him… that I-…,” Tony curled up even more if humanly possible, “That I loved him… More than a friend, more than a brother… I really loved him. ”
“Tony…” Stephen gasped.
“I… I just… I couldn’t tell him. He- he wouldn’t have… not after what happened… I couldn’t…. He loves Caroline…. I- I don’t want to… to ruin his marriage…. I love him…. But I can’t…” Tony sobbed into the pillow, his tears staining the cover with each sob.
Stephen didn’t know what to do, how to comfort his old friend. His friend’s heart is breaking, his life is screwed up, and he couldn’t tell the man he loved how he felt. How do you heal that?
Stephen finally sat down next to Tony on the bed and placed a hand on Tony’s arm, trying to send a sign to him that he wasn’t alone. His eyes softened when he felt Tony shift and Tony’s right hand covered Stephen’s own hand. Then Stephen found himself staring into Tony’s tired, sad, brown eyes.
“I know it hurts, but there are just some things we can’t control. Things we can’t change right now, but we have to keep going, no matter what. Just remember this, Tony: I’m here for you. You’re never alone...little brother.” Stephen told the crying man, his blue eyes filled with compassion as he called Tony a nickname he hadn’t called him in many years, not since the filming of “Peter’s Friends” ended.
That was when Tony sat up and wrapped his bandaged arms around Stephen, pulling the man into an embrace. Stephen felt awkward, but decided to put his arms around him, pulling Tony close. He lowered his head until his face was buried in Tony’s black hair.
“Stephen…” Tony whispered into Stephen’s chest.
“Hmm?” Stephen tilted his head to look down at Tony.
“You’re my best friend.” Tony whispered, trying to get as close as possible to Stephen without damaging organs or breaking bones.
“I know…” Stephen nodded, burying his face into Tony’s hair, planting a small comforting kiss on his head, never breaking the embrace.
Two men. Two old friends. A similar illness, different pains. A bond of trust, friendship, and love that cannot be shattered.
Two weeks later…
Paul sat alone in the bedroom, drying his hair, which was still damp from the shower. He sat on the bed in just a t-shirt and a pair of charcoal grey sweatpants. He shivered slightly, his skin still covered in small wet droplets. Caroline was already out, doing some shopping with Josie, so he had the house all to himself.
Paul lowered the towel and stared at his hands. It had taken quite a lot of soap and water to get all the dried blood off of them and yet there was still some redness on his hands from all the washing, even after two weeks.
He shook his head, trying to blank out the memories of those two days. He didn’t want to think about it again. He just wanted to go on with his life.
“Never again.” Paul whispered to himself. He stood up and walked over to the bathroom to toss the towel into the hamper. He paused as the small radio in the room finished the latest song on the radio station.
“And that’s the big hit from that rocking new girl band Spice Girls, entitled “Wannabe.” Now to change moods and bring back an oldie from 1984, I think you might remember this, music fans. Here’s “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins.”
Paul mentally wondered if the world was against him as the familiar piano theme played over the speakers, signalling the start of the song. He groaned as Phil Collins’ words began playing
“How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace.”
Paul stared at the radio, wondering if he should just shut off the radio or chuck it out the window. Doing the latter might make people think something was wrong with him, like….
“When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all.”
“Why… why can’t I stop thinking about it? About... him?” Paul asked out loud. ‘And why is my heart aching so much?’ he thought to himself.
“How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave?"
“I had to leave! I couldn’t face him!” Paul practically shouted at the radio. ‘But why does it feel like the wrong choice?’ the little voice in the back of his mind asked him.
“Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all.”
Paul remembered everything he and Tony did on and off the show: The tapings, the bars they hit, the after-show parties, and the performances at the Comedy Store… So much joy in those moments, laughter and innocence. The memories faded to what happened that morning two weeks before. The sight of Tony propped against the wall, almost dead from blood loss. Hardly breathing, hardly responding to physical contact.
“So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face”
Paul remembered that look Tony gave him in his apartment, the look of someone who lost his way. The same look appeared on his face back at the hospital when he asked him why he was there. It haunted him, frightened him…
“Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face”
Paul walked out of the bathroom, trying to ignore the weakness in his legs until it claimed Paul, making him fall to his knees. As if on cue, the drums came in during the song as his knees and hands made contact with the wood floor. Paul was now shaking, tears reforming in his blue eyes.
“I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry”
Paul saw with bleary vision a few small tears hitting the backs of his hands as the droplets escaped from his eyes. He didn’t understand why he was feeling like this. Why his heart felt like it was shattered.
“There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all”
“I… I can’t be… no, no I’m… I’m married. How can I…” Paul whispered, blinking out more tears, his hands becoming tight fists. Tony had been trying to tell him something, but he changed his mind. Did Tony really… love him like that? No, it couldn’t be…
“So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face.”
The memories came back once more, flooding his mind. Tony, all those moments with him, all that happened that day, the question Stephen asked him…
“How do you feel about him?” He had asked Paul. He didn’t know the answer then, and he still wasn’t sure what the answer was.
“Do I…,” Paul whispered, “Do I… love Tony?”
“Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face”
‘What does your heart tell you?’ the voice asked him. Paul lifted his head up as realization hit him like a bolt of lightning.
“Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take”
“I… love him…” He gasped softly, more tears joining the ones he had just shed as the song over the radio ended and the radio announcer started talking about the next song that was coming up. Much to his chagrin, it was “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler.
That was it. The world was pissed off at him for leaving Tony, for not pressing further about the crush, for denying how he felt about the man and this was its revenge.
He finally gave in, not denying his feelings as sobs escaped his mouth. Bonnie Tyler and Meatloaf’s haunting music and lyrics racked through his mind as sobs began to rack through his body. How could he have been such a fool? How could he have been so blind?
How could he have just walked away from Tony, to leave him during his moment of need, his moment of weakness?
His questions were left unanswered as he lay on the floor, holding himself as tears trailed down his face, pooling onto the floor.
Now he knew what it was like for a heart to break.
For his was breaking at that moment.
Yeah, I was in a dark and sad mood when I wrote this part, but a little angst doesn't hurt, does it? Besides, this is a bit of a tough subject to talk about when you don't know much about it.
Next part will be posted in a while and then the epilogue. Almost done and then, once I'm done typing it up, I'll post "Truly, Madly, Deeply", which is already prooving to be a bit hard to revise.