Mind The Business That Minds You...
"There's nothing wrong with being single for a little while. If you can't be alone with you, why are you expecting that from someone else?"
- From my “I Don't Know Who Needs To Hear This” series
First, an update: At first, I was under the impression that Jimmy was at fault for what happened to Krampus’ dog. Welp, I was wrong. Come to find out, it was an outside dog in the first place and now Krampus is threatening them over the vet bill all over Obama’s internet
Not in front of my Black History Month! 😫😫😫
And now…
To add to this weekend…
First, I found out that Player 456 is still getting high. Apparently last weekend whole everyone was gone, he went to his mom's room and was going through her stuff looking for either money or *shrugs in confusion* I wasn't there. All I know is allegedly he passed out in her bed and guess what else he had in tow? A girl. Apparently the two of them have something going on cuz the shed that Player 456's mom secluded him in is right by Kai's room.
And I…
I was stunned by the news but not at the same time. Do I want Player 456 back? If I'm honest with myself, no. I definitely don't deserve to be with someone who is still pretending to be a model of sobriety while passing out all over the place. What I can do is admit that this still bothers me for two reasons.
*** For Mo. I remember how the kids responded when they found out about Methany and how hurt they were that Player 456 had time for his personal life but he didn't have time for them. I remember how hard Mo cried and I remember how angry Zyi’ was over the situation. Because of this, with a little help from Caleb, I've decided not to tell Mo. If she finds out, I'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now tho’, my lips shall remain closed.
*** For myself. You would think this news wouldn't bother me and yet, here I am: Freakishly bothered. But why? Probably because I have given Player 456 every chance to be a better parent. I've given not only patience and time, I've listened to every version of busy that he has put on the table… Only to not be too busy for a lady friend. I want him to win. I want him to have a great life. I sincerely do. My problem is, I don't feel as if a person who abandons their family deserves to find happiness and yes, I am aware that this is my own personal hang up. Am I wrong tho’? Why do so many people just up and abandon their families only to find happiness like that's perfectly fine? Do I want Player 456 back? I did. I really did. I wanted him to get out and get his shit together. I actually had hopes (They weren't high but they were there) that he was truly listening to me this time and I now see he wasn't and I wish I could lie and say it doesn't bother me but what good would that do me? Lying to myself is how I ended up in that hell loop where he and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Because of my denial over things changing, our relationship went on longer than it should have and that's a fact that I've been living with for a few years now.
According to Kai, this one just left an abusive relationship with her ex husband. I told Kai not to tell me anything else cuz guess what? This, yet again, is none of my business. I'm not seeking out information nor should I be. It always seems to just fall in my lap.
Ya know what? This is a manifestation year. My lap is full! I'm tired of people just plopping information at my feet then I have to deal with the fallout. Honestly, I know I don't have a right to be hurt over any of this ESPECIALLY when I literally know that he's still getting high. I can't be near any of that. It's not for me and that's the truth. It's just, I'm not hurting for just myself. My hurt is a small blip in time. If I wanted, I too could be intertwined with someone. The problem is, my maturity levels dictate that I'm still sporting residual feelings over this situation and no man/woman/vegetable/mineral/animal deserves to waltz into the life of another person whose heart still aches for a past that literally didn’t exist! Player 456 and I didn't have some sort of storybook, fantasy romance. It was extremely toxic on both our parts. He was never gonna change. If he was, he would have done it already.
What he was trying to do was hobosexual me. He wanted me to put my guard down long enough to allow him to slither back into my life knowing damn well that nothing has changed and when I didn't fall for the flowery words of change, he moved on to the next. (I wonder if he cleared up his Hepatitis C first 🤔🤔🤔) I shouldn't be sitting here figuring out how I feel. I should be feeling grateful that no matter how small I feel as if it is, I've grown enough to hurt in my own personal space. When I found out about Methany, I was sobbing, shaking my fists at the heavens, when in all actuality, I shouldn't have been. If he wanted to be with us, he would be. The cold, hard truth that I need to drill into my head is that he doesn't want us and on a larger, less me adjacent scale, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent.
I'm starting to think that's what my real problem with dating is. Yes, I'm still on my healing journey but on that same note, a part of me is still in that toxic mindset of hoping that Player 456 will get it together. That's on me, not on him. I think that first me is still that lovesick teen/young adult, waiting for him to see that I'm here and is afraid that if I get in a relationship, I will lose him even tho’ obviously he's been lost this whole time.
BAM! And there it is. Now I need a good cry. I've thrown so much energy into healing/growing into this me that I forgot all about first me. My inner child is still aching over how often she has been left behind and these feelings existed way before Player 456 darkened my door. That's why our relationship made so much since. It all started back then. Toxic mindset going in, broken mindset coming out.
*sighs* I will not allow this revelation to mess with all my progress. Truth is, it's time my inner child accepts this L. If he wanted to be home, as I've been saying this entire time, he would have done the steps to do so. It's a hard pill to swallow but it's mine and mine alone.
I'm supposed to be working on my novel right now. Instead I'm out here all blurry eyed over something that has already happened. I'm starting to think that this is something that I'll never truly be over, ya know? It took me so long to accept that this happened. What I've never actually accepted is the fact that too much has happened. If Player 456 were to return, it would be an unhealthy decision because I already hear the stories. I already know he hasn't given up that druggie mindset which means we'd be hopping on yet another hamster wheel of toxicity. I'm alot of things but stupid has never made the cut. Allowing him to return after what I know, it would not only be stupid, it would be a danger to my mental health and I'm just not willing to throw this me under the bus to feed into first me's nostalgia. That's all it is really. Nostalgia, I mean. Hearing about yet another boo feels like yet another lost because first me has never accepted what she never had. Even when Player 456 and I were together, he never wanted to be home. It's like sometimes I get into these nostalgic moods and I'll forget that the version I once knew has been gone way longer than this breakup and This Me has been craving a peaceful, non toxic environment for YEARS. That's not what Player 456 had to offer me. He never did. If he decides to offer the better parts of himself to someone else, it's not for me to care nor grow investee in. He didn't want me when he had me unless things were good. A healthy relationship isn't just based on good times. It needs to be strong enough to make it through the bad and unfortunately, when I'm feeling my feelings that don't need to be felt, I tend to warp my own perception of what it was truly like being with Player 456.
Let's be real and let's be honest: Our relationship was dead long before be abandoned us. It's hard to accept this, but facts are facts.
David is dead and has been dead for YEARS.
The only thing left is Player 456.
Now I feel as if I need to speak my peace then block him on everything. Mo's about to turn 18. It's no longer my job to protect her image of him and the image I had needs to be snuffed out so that this manifestation year can get back on track. Right now it's at a curve over things that can't be changed. I can't change this.
I can only change me
Later
PS: You know what's the craziest part of this whole thing? I literally know I'm going to miss him cuz I already do
PS2: Player 456 FINALLY showed up the other day and from the looks of it, he wasn't high as a kite. It's crazy how I say he's gotta go but I still made time. Nah, it's not crazy. I wanted answers. Allegedly, both Kai and his mom are lying (ESPECIALLY about a lady friend cuz he doesn't want a woman in his life right now) but eh. You know addicts. Everybody is always lying. Never them. As he was going on and on about the situation, it sunk in that LITERALLY none of the situation was any of my business. I'm not owed an explanation. This year is for arriving where I'm meant to be. Not eyeballing where I was. My official decision is to allow things to happen as they are meant to. Mo is about to turn 18. No longer will I throw myself into the fire over this. I've gotta do me now and you know what? That's okay
- From my “I Don't Know Who Needs To Hear This” series
First, an update: At first, I was under the impression that Jimmy was at fault for what happened to Krampus’ dog. Welp, I was wrong. Come to find out, it was an outside dog in the first place and now Krampus is threatening them over the vet bill all over Obama’s internet
Not in front of my Black History Month! 😫😫😫
And now…
To add to this weekend…
First, I found out that Player 456 is still getting high. Apparently last weekend whole everyone was gone, he went to his mom's room and was going through her stuff looking for either money or *shrugs in confusion* I wasn't there. All I know is allegedly he passed out in her bed and guess what else he had in tow? A girl. Apparently the two of them have something going on cuz the shed that Player 456's mom secluded him in is right by Kai's room.
And I…
I was stunned by the news but not at the same time. Do I want Player 456 back? If I'm honest with myself, no. I definitely don't deserve to be with someone who is still pretending to be a model of sobriety while passing out all over the place. What I can do is admit that this still bothers me for two reasons.
*** For Mo. I remember how the kids responded when they found out about Methany and how hurt they were that Player 456 had time for his personal life but he didn't have time for them. I remember how hard Mo cried and I remember how angry Zyi’ was over the situation. Because of this, with a little help from Caleb, I've decided not to tell Mo. If she finds out, I'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now tho’, my lips shall remain closed.
*** For myself. You would think this news wouldn't bother me and yet, here I am: Freakishly bothered. But why? Probably because I have given Player 456 every chance to be a better parent. I've given not only patience and time, I've listened to every version of busy that he has put on the table… Only to not be too busy for a lady friend. I want him to win. I want him to have a great life. I sincerely do. My problem is, I don't feel as if a person who abandons their family deserves to find happiness and yes, I am aware that this is my own personal hang up. Am I wrong tho’? Why do so many people just up and abandon their families only to find happiness like that's perfectly fine? Do I want Player 456 back? I did. I really did. I wanted him to get out and get his shit together. I actually had hopes (They weren't high but they were there) that he was truly listening to me this time and I now see he wasn't and I wish I could lie and say it doesn't bother me but what good would that do me? Lying to myself is how I ended up in that hell loop where he and I were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Because of my denial over things changing, our relationship went on longer than it should have and that's a fact that I've been living with for a few years now.
According to Kai, this one just left an abusive relationship with her ex husband. I told Kai not to tell me anything else cuz guess what? This, yet again, is none of my business. I'm not seeking out information nor should I be. It always seems to just fall in my lap.
Ya know what? This is a manifestation year. My lap is full! I'm tired of people just plopping information at my feet then I have to deal with the fallout. Honestly, I know I don't have a right to be hurt over any of this ESPECIALLY when I literally know that he's still getting high. I can't be near any of that. It's not for me and that's the truth. It's just, I'm not hurting for just myself. My hurt is a small blip in time. If I wanted, I too could be intertwined with someone. The problem is, my maturity levels dictate that I'm still sporting residual feelings over this situation and no man/woman/vegetable/mineral/animal deserves to waltz into the life of another person whose heart still aches for a past that literally didn’t exist! Player 456 and I didn't have some sort of storybook, fantasy romance. It was extremely toxic on both our parts. He was never gonna change. If he was, he would have done it already.
What he was trying to do was hobosexual me. He wanted me to put my guard down long enough to allow him to slither back into my life knowing damn well that nothing has changed and when I didn't fall for the flowery words of change, he moved on to the next. (I wonder if he cleared up his Hepatitis C first 🤔🤔🤔) I shouldn't be sitting here figuring out how I feel. I should be feeling grateful that no matter how small I feel as if it is, I've grown enough to hurt in my own personal space. When I found out about Methany, I was sobbing, shaking my fists at the heavens, when in all actuality, I shouldn't have been. If he wanted to be with us, he would be. The cold, hard truth that I need to drill into my head is that he doesn't want us and on a larger, less me adjacent scale, he doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent.
I'm starting to think that's what my real problem with dating is. Yes, I'm still on my healing journey but on that same note, a part of me is still in that toxic mindset of hoping that Player 456 will get it together. That's on me, not on him. I think that first me is still that lovesick teen/young adult, waiting for him to see that I'm here and is afraid that if I get in a relationship, I will lose him even tho’ obviously he's been lost this whole time.
BAM! And there it is. Now I need a good cry. I've thrown so much energy into healing/growing into this me that I forgot all about first me. My inner child is still aching over how often she has been left behind and these feelings existed way before Player 456 darkened my door. That's why our relationship made so much since. It all started back then. Toxic mindset going in, broken mindset coming out.
*sighs* I will not allow this revelation to mess with all my progress. Truth is, it's time my inner child accepts this L. If he wanted to be home, as I've been saying this entire time, he would have done the steps to do so. It's a hard pill to swallow but it's mine and mine alone.
I'm supposed to be working on my novel right now. Instead I'm out here all blurry eyed over something that has already happened. I'm starting to think that this is something that I'll never truly be over, ya know? It took me so long to accept that this happened. What I've never actually accepted is the fact that too much has happened. If Player 456 were to return, it would be an unhealthy decision because I already hear the stories. I already know he hasn't given up that druggie mindset which means we'd be hopping on yet another hamster wheel of toxicity. I'm alot of things but stupid has never made the cut. Allowing him to return after what I know, it would not only be stupid, it would be a danger to my mental health and I'm just not willing to throw this me under the bus to feed into first me's nostalgia. That's all it is really. Nostalgia, I mean. Hearing about yet another boo feels like yet another lost because first me has never accepted what she never had. Even when Player 456 and I were together, he never wanted to be home. It's like sometimes I get into these nostalgic moods and I'll forget that the version I once knew has been gone way longer than this breakup and This Me has been craving a peaceful, non toxic environment for YEARS. That's not what Player 456 had to offer me. He never did. If he decides to offer the better parts of himself to someone else, it's not for me to care nor grow investee in. He didn't want me when he had me unless things were good. A healthy relationship isn't just based on good times. It needs to be strong enough to make it through the bad and unfortunately, when I'm feeling my feelings that don't need to be felt, I tend to warp my own perception of what it was truly like being with Player 456.
Let's be real and let's be honest: Our relationship was dead long before be abandoned us. It's hard to accept this, but facts are facts.
David is dead and has been dead for YEARS.
The only thing left is Player 456.
Now I feel as if I need to speak my peace then block him on everything. Mo's about to turn 18. It's no longer my job to protect her image of him and the image I had needs to be snuffed out so that this manifestation year can get back on track. Right now it's at a curve over things that can't be changed. I can't change this.
I can only change me
Later
PS: You know what's the craziest part of this whole thing? I literally know I'm going to miss him cuz I already do
PS2: Player 456 FINALLY showed up the other day and from the looks of it, he wasn't high as a kite. It's crazy how I say he's gotta go but I still made time. Nah, it's not crazy. I wanted answers. Allegedly, both Kai and his mom are lying (ESPECIALLY about a lady friend cuz he doesn't want a woman in his life right now) but eh. You know addicts. Everybody is always lying. Never them. As he was going on and on about the situation, it sunk in that LITERALLY none of the situation was any of my business. I'm not owed an explanation. This year is for arriving where I'm meant to be. Not eyeballing where I was. My official decision is to allow things to happen as they are meant to. Mo is about to turn 18. No longer will I throw myself into the fire over this. I've gotta do me now and you know what? That's okay