Funerals... (Positive Points Number 90, 91 & 92)
"You... No, I'm including myself in this... We... We need to get lives of our own past being caretakers. It may be what we know, but it isn't all there is."
- Aunt Carroll (She's right, ya know?)
Yesterday was the funeral.
I think I'm in the denial phase cuz I keep imagining that this hasn't happened. That it's some blur that'll be back to normal soon.
Somehow I managed to pull three positive points from this situation. I'm still shocked I managed to get something outta this. The day was hard and it started negatively cuz when I got there, this man tried to block me from going inside. He was like: "You can't go in there." I was like: "He's my brother." He was like: "There's no space. You can't." I was like: "He's literally my brother." then I walked past him. (Know how I feel about "can't") When I got inside, again, I was told there was no space on the inside and again, I told them he was my brother, I had no problem standing. So we stood (Zyi', Mo and I) the entire funeral...
1) I spoke at the funeral yesterday. I wasn't going to but Danielle kinda forced it outta me cuz I told her I'd written something. I made her stand there while I read the entire entry. It was hard but I got through it. People kept congratulating me but I think sometimes people fail to realize that it isn't that I'm afraid to speak. (Some of them were treating me like I was Rain Man or some shit 😂😂😂) It's more like, I knew the majority of people's memories are from their older versions. Mine are from the younger versions. So it felt out of place to me. I would have been fine without uttering a peep cuz it doesn't bother me not to speak. Buuuuuuuut I ended up speaking and made it through because every time I would start to cry, I would look at Aunt Carroll's face and she would just be dabbing her eyes, nodding like: "You can do this." Can't lie tho', because I didn't even wanna be speaking in that kind of setting, I kept having to stop myself from crying. I just wanted to cry, but I made it through and you know what? That's okay
2) After this happened, comes our 2nd positive point. I was standing at the back with tears welling up in my eyes when this girl walks past me. (Later she told me that the reason why she wasn’t inside in the first place was because he wouldn’t be still/quiet during the service) She takes the empty piece of floor beside me and she’s carrying this adorable baby boy. He’s squirming around, being ya know, a baby. Suddenly, he reaches for me. At first, I act like I didn’t notice, but he was very adamant so I put my hands out to him. He all but dove into my arms! It was so weird. She kept going: “Are you sure?” “I’m so sorry.” “He doesn’t usually do this.” I kept assuring her that yes, it was fine… That he was bothering me. So I started to bounce. I bounced him like I used to bounce all four of the kids when they were babies. Within seconds, he was out like a light. I just kept bouncing. Holding/bouncing him gave me time to get my head on straight. By the time she got him back from me, I was in a clearer headspace… Only for it to happen again at the gravesite! This kid, a little girl, walked up beside me and she got scared because they were about to release the dove. I assured her that it was just a bird and when he opened his hands, it was just gonna fly away. (Now that I have time to think on it, I wonder what happens after they release doves. I mean, you basically take them from one place then release them in another. Do they thrive after that or are we sentencing these birds to death cuz they’re in a new location and we don’t even realize it? Food for thought) He releases the bird and I show her that it, indeed, was flying away. Then I ask her would she like to sit. I’m not exactly a big person so I moved over on my seat. She opted to sit in my lap and that was fine too. Suddenly, she reaches up and grabs my cheek and turns my face. She goes “Look!” She’s pointing at the dove and I am stunned. Then she asks what the other thing in the sky was and it’s a drone. I explain what it is then we finish the rest of the service, just sitting there
^Honestly, this marks the first time I've seen a casket with the name engraved on it. I didn't even know they do this. I couldn't stop staring at the fact that they left the apostrophe off of "Kh'Majee", but that doesn't really matter at the end of the day, I guess. I mean, does anything really matter after we pass away? Truth is, after we pass away, we are reduced to our stories and those who knew us/knew of us pass them on. Be it for good or bad, we are all destined to become a memory. (If you die famous, that's an entirely different dragon)
3) Okay, so after this, we head to eat at none other than Wilson High School. In all my life, I never thought I would see that gah-awful building EVER AGAIN and yet, there I was. *sighs* The lady who drove the family vehicle to the gravesite goes: “You’re such a pretty girl, why don’t you speak?” (I volunteered to help her get the stuff out of the back of the car only for them to decide to drive the funeral items to Aunt Carroll’s and you know what? That was so nice of them.) I explained about my social anxiety and my disbelief that we were at Cin’que’s funeral in the first place. She talked to me about her own struggles then told me that the most important thing we can give ourselves is the ability to push through and seeing as how I say this all the time, I readily agreed with her. It was so weird. People just kept walking up to me and talking about their own struggles. I think like 3 people stopped me. You know what the hardest part of being an empath is? People can feel your emotions and you can feel theirs.
It was hard. There was a lot of family tension wafting through just about every interaction, but I waited to speak on it. Luckily, Danielle and Joi had me cuz things were weird. Apparently, this has been going on. Our family is the black version of passive aggressive. It has always been that way and it has always been gross. BUT I managed to focus on the positives cuz we were there to celebrate and mourn not bitch and moan. It didn’t matter what was happening with those people. Who cares in that moment really? Exactly! That’s why I’m not even gonna write about it. At the end of the day, that part doesn’t matter so it won’t get to take center stage in this place.
Instead, it’s now 11/8/2022 and I’m talking to Aunt Carroll about Depends of all things.
My family is weird. You know what? I have similar attributes to my Aunt Carroll. I love finding this out cuz she’s my mommy BUT the similarities aren’t good ones. We both hate leaving the house. We both hate being around crowds. We both hate a lot of things. We gotta do better. She’s right. She’s telling me I’ve gotta get outta my comfort zones and bruh, she’s so right. I’m getting better, but I would be lying to myself if I said I was all better. My bed and I have such a good relationship, it’s sad. Yeah, she’s right. That’s gotta change
Later
PS: This is Zyi', Mo and I with alot of my/their cousins...
- Aunt Carroll (She's right, ya know?)
Yesterday was the funeral.
I think I'm in the denial phase cuz I keep imagining that this hasn't happened. That it's some blur that'll be back to normal soon.
Somehow I managed to pull three positive points from this situation. I'm still shocked I managed to get something outta this. The day was hard and it started negatively cuz when I got there, this man tried to block me from going inside. He was like: "You can't go in there." I was like: "He's my brother." He was like: "There's no space. You can't." I was like: "He's literally my brother." then I walked past him. (Know how I feel about "can't") When I got inside, again, I was told there was no space on the inside and again, I told them he was my brother, I had no problem standing. So we stood (Zyi', Mo and I) the entire funeral...
1) I spoke at the funeral yesterday. I wasn't going to but Danielle kinda forced it outta me cuz I told her I'd written something. I made her stand there while I read the entire entry. It was hard but I got through it. People kept congratulating me but I think sometimes people fail to realize that it isn't that I'm afraid to speak. (Some of them were treating me like I was Rain Man or some shit 😂😂😂) It's more like, I knew the majority of people's memories are from their older versions. Mine are from the younger versions. So it felt out of place to me. I would have been fine without uttering a peep cuz it doesn't bother me not to speak. Buuuuuuuut I ended up speaking and made it through because every time I would start to cry, I would look at Aunt Carroll's face and she would just be dabbing her eyes, nodding like: "You can do this." Can't lie tho', because I didn't even wanna be speaking in that kind of setting, I kept having to stop myself from crying. I just wanted to cry, but I made it through and you know what? That's okay
2) After this happened, comes our 2nd positive point. I was standing at the back with tears welling up in my eyes when this girl walks past me. (Later she told me that the reason why she wasn’t inside in the first place was because he wouldn’t be still/quiet during the service) She takes the empty piece of floor beside me and she’s carrying this adorable baby boy. He’s squirming around, being ya know, a baby. Suddenly, he reaches for me. At first, I act like I didn’t notice, but he was very adamant so I put my hands out to him. He all but dove into my arms! It was so weird. She kept going: “Are you sure?” “I’m so sorry.” “He doesn’t usually do this.” I kept assuring her that yes, it was fine… That he was bothering me. So I started to bounce. I bounced him like I used to bounce all four of the kids when they were babies. Within seconds, he was out like a light. I just kept bouncing. Holding/bouncing him gave me time to get my head on straight. By the time she got him back from me, I was in a clearer headspace… Only for it to happen again at the gravesite! This kid, a little girl, walked up beside me and she got scared because they were about to release the dove. I assured her that it was just a bird and when he opened his hands, it was just gonna fly away. (Now that I have time to think on it, I wonder what happens after they release doves. I mean, you basically take them from one place then release them in another. Do they thrive after that or are we sentencing these birds to death cuz they’re in a new location and we don’t even realize it? Food for thought) He releases the bird and I show her that it, indeed, was flying away. Then I ask her would she like to sit. I’m not exactly a big person so I moved over on my seat. She opted to sit in my lap and that was fine too. Suddenly, she reaches up and grabs my cheek and turns my face. She goes “Look!” She’s pointing at the dove and I am stunned. Then she asks what the other thing in the sky was and it’s a drone. I explain what it is then we finish the rest of the service, just sitting there
^Honestly, this marks the first time I've seen a casket with the name engraved on it. I didn't even know they do this. I couldn't stop staring at the fact that they left the apostrophe off of "Kh'Majee", but that doesn't really matter at the end of the day, I guess. I mean, does anything really matter after we pass away? Truth is, after we pass away, we are reduced to our stories and those who knew us/knew of us pass them on. Be it for good or bad, we are all destined to become a memory. (If you die famous, that's an entirely different dragon)
3) Okay, so after this, we head to eat at none other than Wilson High School. In all my life, I never thought I would see that gah-awful building EVER AGAIN and yet, there I was. *sighs* The lady who drove the family vehicle to the gravesite goes: “You’re such a pretty girl, why don’t you speak?” (I volunteered to help her get the stuff out of the back of the car only for them to decide to drive the funeral items to Aunt Carroll’s and you know what? That was so nice of them.) I explained about my social anxiety and my disbelief that we were at Cin’que’s funeral in the first place. She talked to me about her own struggles then told me that the most important thing we can give ourselves is the ability to push through and seeing as how I say this all the time, I readily agreed with her. It was so weird. People just kept walking up to me and talking about their own struggles. I think like 3 people stopped me. You know what the hardest part of being an empath is? People can feel your emotions and you can feel theirs.
It was hard. There was a lot of family tension wafting through just about every interaction, but I waited to speak on it. Luckily, Danielle and Joi had me cuz things were weird. Apparently, this has been going on. Our family is the black version of passive aggressive. It has always been that way and it has always been gross. BUT I managed to focus on the positives cuz we were there to celebrate and mourn not bitch and moan. It didn’t matter what was happening with those people. Who cares in that moment really? Exactly! That’s why I’m not even gonna write about it. At the end of the day, that part doesn’t matter so it won’t get to take center stage in this place.
Instead, it’s now 11/8/2022 and I’m talking to Aunt Carroll about Depends of all things.
My family is weird. You know what? I have similar attributes to my Aunt Carroll. I love finding this out cuz she’s my mommy BUT the similarities aren’t good ones. We both hate leaving the house. We both hate being around crowds. We both hate a lot of things. We gotta do better. She’s right. She’s telling me I’ve gotta get outta my comfort zones and bruh, she’s so right. I’m getting better, but I would be lying to myself if I said I was all better. My bed and I have such a good relationship, it’s sad. Yeah, she’s right. That’s gotta change
Later
PS: This is Zyi', Mo and I with alot of my/their cousins...