Uplift... (Positive Points Number 88 & 89)
"The streets should never lift you higher than your family… We have got to start doing better with our own…"
- Me (Talking to Aunt Carroll this morning and I included myself in that cuz out of everybody, I probably have the hardest time communicating. I mean, I'm getting better but I'm not all there with it, ya know?)
Honestly, I didn't expect to see a positive point this week, I really didn't. And yet, here we are.
Ya see, I called Aunt Carroll just now to check on her and see if she needed anything and instead of uplifting her, she ended up uplifting me. She told me it's time I stop taking myself for granted and that I needed to affirm myself more… Now, I know she's right, but this really did come out of nowhere.
She told me that my entire life has been spent being there for others and I take on my own issues in silence and she wanted me to know that she sees it. She wanted me to know that I am a great mom/friend/daughter/sister/person who has loved so many children over the years, alot of which, not my own. She said that no matter how I have been treated, I don't allow that to stop me from loving Kai and Laurynn and that's something that should be celebrated because most people would have given up by now but I love them all the same. She also told me that I should be celebrating everything that makes me, me. She told me that this entire week has been spent with an outpour of love and support from people she didn't know whose lives Cin'que had touched in his time on this Earth. At 25, he touched so many people and they were made better just by crossing paths with him and for that, I should be smiling the hardest because I know where he came from.
She called him my brother son and I laughed cuz you know what? I didn't know what else to say. She really did catch me off guard. She told me that this family could never be done by people outside of us and I should never forget that. She says she knows right now I'm telling myself things that aren't true, but I need to stop that now and celebrate not only myself, but my baby brother.
She told me that Cin'que struggled with feeling unappreciated and she wishes he had known the mark he left on people because it would have helped a lot so in that moment, she wanted to take the time to tell me to feel celebrated right now. And I… I'm stunned.
I didn't call for selfish reasons. I really did call to check on her. She told me that I handle my losses on my own, it's never out loud. It's never me calling for help. She said she knows I've got me, but I've gotta do right by me now. She also said I should always remember my shadow, which is funny in itself because when I was a kid, I would talk to my shadow. (I know that isn't what she meant. She was actually talking about me joking that I could always do wrong by my middle name and she was like: "No, cuz that's your shadow. When there's nobody else, you're always right there" which she's right. I just got caught up on the shadow comment cuz it sparked memory) I've always had me and just now, my Aunt Carroll took time from her own pain to ask me how I'm treating myself right now. That's a mother right there.
Sometimes I feel so alone out here and to have her check on me meant so much to me. I mean, I've been staying outta the way because of my tendency to internalize things but she actually acknowledged that. Most people don't catch that about me and basically reduce it down to selfishness and I never argue against people's version of me cuz everyone has their own version of us. For so many people, it depends on which era they met me in.
I think, as a me, because I get so caught up in where I am in life right now, I tend to forget that my Aunt Carroll did the best she could with us. I also forget that she didn't have access to alot of the tools that are now readily available. She did her best and that should not only be recognized, it should be applauded… Like, everyday. There is no perfection in parenting. You basically just do your best and hope/pray that you were able to stick the landing. All of my frustrations with her come from what I know as a parent NOW and at times, I get in these headspaces where I forget that I wasn't always the mother that I am now. One look around this place reveals this to be true.
^And then... I received this from Sherry. Ya know, I appreciate Sherry, Teri, Damian, Andy, Mike, Caleb and Ol' Whatshisface (And in her own weird little way, my older sister Joi, Danielle and some random dudes from FB dating. One of which, Austin, just sent me him playing guitar because I told him I find peace in music and my eyes teared up cuz these people don't know me from a can of paint, but I made their list of priorities. I've made quite a few friends from that place. More friends than people actually trying to date me actually) for keeping up with me this week. It's hard to explain that I'm not ready to really have a full conversation about it, but just knowing I have the kind of support system in place that if I am spiraling, they will do things as simple as sending me pictures, memes or jokes as a way to be there for me means the world because Aunt Carroll is right. My mind has been 🤥 to me this week.
And I will always love her for knowing in advance to catch me before I hit the ground. She has her own pain, but in that moment, she chose to be there for me.
That's the type of mother I want to always be when I grow up.
So you know what my job is? It's my job to stop hiding in my bed and resume my life. I'm not a fan of people saying what they think people would/wouldn't want when they pass away, but I will say I have a feeling that he wouldn't wanna know that people gave up on life because of him...
Call it a hunch.
Later
PS: I almost had a selfish moment today. Danielle texted me about her and Tati (My cousin) getting to work on Cin'que's program for the funeral Sunday. (The wake is Sunday) My brain was like: "And why wasn't I asked if I wanted to help or had any input?" I mean, I'm literally a writer. Not only that, I do design not only for myself, but others. Selfish, right? I realized I was doing quite a bit of I, I, I, me, me, me to say the majority of my memories of him come from the very beginning of his life. I mean, who really cares who did what at this point? It kinda reminded me of how I had to wrangle myself in back in 2011 because they left "Xavier" off the headstone. Then it was like: "They never call to ask me if I wanna do anything." Truth is, people tend to leave me alone and I get that, but this is different. It's death and not just any death. In my opinion, everybody should have been asked if they wanted to be involved. (Cuz were it up to me, his program would have been almost as thick as a magazine because I would have wanted every family member to write their favorite memory or just share a few words, ya know? Now that I just reread that sentence, perhaps it's a good thing it wasn't up to me)
Then I went into a full spiral. Why this? Why that? Blah, blah, blah... FINALLY I got myself to remember that none of this is about me, try as my mania might to convince me otherwise. Basically, I need to sit this one out and realize I was on the verge of acting like a selfish brat. So instead I sent Danielle thanks/appreciation for keeping the family up to date on family stuff cuz Danielle really does go outta her way to make sure everybody is up to date when shit happens. I chose to focus on that instead of being a dipshit because truth be told, everybody is doing the best they can right now. Know what else I understand? Yes, I am a writer, but I cannot write on cue. I need a relaxed deadline so what if I was given the assignment and couldn't follow through? Now they've got a blank sheet of paper in the program cuz I was thinking about myself.
See? The fact that I came to that realization of my own is pretty good, I think.*sighs* I guess I really am just growing up
PS2: Last night while I was talking to Tasha, (She came to check on me) it hit me that it has always been this way. Alot of the time, I wasn't there for things not because I didn't wanna be, but because I had no idea they were happening. (It's well documented around here) I remember so many years my Aunt Carroll would ask why I didn't participate in some sort of thing that was planned for mother's day and more times than not, the answer was that I had no idea cuz nobody had said anything to me. I have go where you are celebrated not tolerated rules. (Because of the way manic depression effects my thought process… Which is also well documented around here) I also only go where I am asked because I don't like people who invite themselves to things that nobody asked them to show up to. See, these types of things are when perception comes into play. Luckily, I'm not a professional victim so instead of getting mad/hurt and unpacking a feelings box, I started celebrating my Aunt Carroll myself, in my own way. With this in mind, I've decided to start a project of my own instead. I mean, listening to Aunt Carroll talk about how he helped so many people made me think of Into The Spiderverse for some reason. Then this hit me: "Stop waiting for a savior and become the hero in your life story." I've downsized it to "Be the hero in your life story."
I started the concept art for it this morning and now I've gotta contact Turned Ninja cuz yeah, I want to be involved in some way, even if it involves moving in silence…
Like I always do
PS3: Entry update 11/5/2022...
Went to the Cin'que's wake today and guess what I found out? I was wrong, is what I found out. The reason why everybody wasn't included in the production of the program was basically because the program was highjacked by the other side of the family. Nobody was asked and eventually, Danielle was pushed outta it. She's very upset about it. Whoo! Glad I didn't act a fool now. That woulda been so embarrassing to go through all that then find out Danielle didn't even get to be a part of it like she wanted
- Me (Talking to Aunt Carroll this morning and I included myself in that cuz out of everybody, I probably have the hardest time communicating. I mean, I'm getting better but I'm not all there with it, ya know?)
Honestly, I didn't expect to see a positive point this week, I really didn't. And yet, here we are.
Ya see, I called Aunt Carroll just now to check on her and see if she needed anything and instead of uplifting her, she ended up uplifting me. She told me it's time I stop taking myself for granted and that I needed to affirm myself more… Now, I know she's right, but this really did come out of nowhere.
She told me that my entire life has been spent being there for others and I take on my own issues in silence and she wanted me to know that she sees it. She wanted me to know that I am a great mom/friend/daughter/sister/person who has loved so many children over the years, alot of which, not my own. She said that no matter how I have been treated, I don't allow that to stop me from loving Kai and Laurynn and that's something that should be celebrated because most people would have given up by now but I love them all the same. She also told me that I should be celebrating everything that makes me, me. She told me that this entire week has been spent with an outpour of love and support from people she didn't know whose lives Cin'que had touched in his time on this Earth. At 25, he touched so many people and they were made better just by crossing paths with him and for that, I should be smiling the hardest because I know where he came from.
She called him my brother son and I laughed cuz you know what? I didn't know what else to say. She really did catch me off guard. She told me that this family could never be done by people outside of us and I should never forget that. She says she knows right now I'm telling myself things that aren't true, but I need to stop that now and celebrate not only myself, but my baby brother.
She told me that Cin'que struggled with feeling unappreciated and she wishes he had known the mark he left on people because it would have helped a lot so in that moment, she wanted to take the time to tell me to feel celebrated right now. And I… I'm stunned.
I didn't call for selfish reasons. I really did call to check on her. She told me that I handle my losses on my own, it's never out loud. It's never me calling for help. She said she knows I've got me, but I've gotta do right by me now. She also said I should always remember my shadow, which is funny in itself because when I was a kid, I would talk to my shadow. (I know that isn't what she meant. She was actually talking about me joking that I could always do wrong by my middle name and she was like: "No, cuz that's your shadow. When there's nobody else, you're always right there" which she's right. I just got caught up on the shadow comment cuz it sparked memory) I've always had me and just now, my Aunt Carroll took time from her own pain to ask me how I'm treating myself right now. That's a mother right there.
Sometimes I feel so alone out here and to have her check on me meant so much to me. I mean, I've been staying outta the way because of my tendency to internalize things but she actually acknowledged that. Most people don't catch that about me and basically reduce it down to selfishness and I never argue against people's version of me cuz everyone has their own version of us. For so many people, it depends on which era they met me in.
I think, as a me, because I get so caught up in where I am in life right now, I tend to forget that my Aunt Carroll did the best she could with us. I also forget that she didn't have access to alot of the tools that are now readily available. She did her best and that should not only be recognized, it should be applauded… Like, everyday. There is no perfection in parenting. You basically just do your best and hope/pray that you were able to stick the landing. All of my frustrations with her come from what I know as a parent NOW and at times, I get in these headspaces where I forget that I wasn't always the mother that I am now. One look around this place reveals this to be true.
^And then... I received this from Sherry. Ya know, I appreciate Sherry, Teri, Damian, Andy, Mike, Caleb and Ol' Whatshisface (And in her own weird little way, my older sister Joi, Danielle and some random dudes from FB dating. One of which, Austin, just sent me him playing guitar because I told him I find peace in music and my eyes teared up cuz these people don't know me from a can of paint, but I made their list of priorities. I've made quite a few friends from that place. More friends than people actually trying to date me actually) for keeping up with me this week. It's hard to explain that I'm not ready to really have a full conversation about it, but just knowing I have the kind of support system in place that if I am spiraling, they will do things as simple as sending me pictures, memes or jokes as a way to be there for me means the world because Aunt Carroll is right. My mind has been 🤥 to me this week.
And I will always love her for knowing in advance to catch me before I hit the ground. She has her own pain, but in that moment, she chose to be there for me.
That's the type of mother I want to always be when I grow up.
So you know what my job is? It's my job to stop hiding in my bed and resume my life. I'm not a fan of people saying what they think people would/wouldn't want when they pass away, but I will say I have a feeling that he wouldn't wanna know that people gave up on life because of him...
Call it a hunch.
Later
PS: I almost had a selfish moment today. Danielle texted me about her and Tati (My cousin) getting to work on Cin'que's program for the funeral Sunday. (The wake is Sunday) My brain was like: "And why wasn't I asked if I wanted to help or had any input?" I mean, I'm literally a writer. Not only that, I do design not only for myself, but others. Selfish, right? I realized I was doing quite a bit of I, I, I, me, me, me to say the majority of my memories of him come from the very beginning of his life. I mean, who really cares who did what at this point? It kinda reminded me of how I had to wrangle myself in back in 2011 because they left "Xavier" off the headstone. Then it was like: "They never call to ask me if I wanna do anything." Truth is, people tend to leave me alone and I get that, but this is different. It's death and not just any death. In my opinion, everybody should have been asked if they wanted to be involved. (Cuz were it up to me, his program would have been almost as thick as a magazine because I would have wanted every family member to write their favorite memory or just share a few words, ya know? Now that I just reread that sentence, perhaps it's a good thing it wasn't up to me)
Then I went into a full spiral. Why this? Why that? Blah, blah, blah... FINALLY I got myself to remember that none of this is about me, try as my mania might to convince me otherwise. Basically, I need to sit this one out and realize I was on the verge of acting like a selfish brat. So instead I sent Danielle thanks/appreciation for keeping the family up to date on family stuff cuz Danielle really does go outta her way to make sure everybody is up to date when shit happens. I chose to focus on that instead of being a dipshit because truth be told, everybody is doing the best they can right now. Know what else I understand? Yes, I am a writer, but I cannot write on cue. I need a relaxed deadline so what if I was given the assignment and couldn't follow through? Now they've got a blank sheet of paper in the program cuz I was thinking about myself.
See? The fact that I came to that realization of my own is pretty good, I think.*sighs* I guess I really am just growing up
PS2: Last night while I was talking to Tasha, (She came to check on me) it hit me that it has always been this way. Alot of the time, I wasn't there for things not because I didn't wanna be, but because I had no idea they were happening. (It's well documented around here) I remember so many years my Aunt Carroll would ask why I didn't participate in some sort of thing that was planned for mother's day and more times than not, the answer was that I had no idea cuz nobody had said anything to me. I have go where you are celebrated not tolerated rules. (Because of the way manic depression effects my thought process… Which is also well documented around here) I also only go where I am asked because I don't like people who invite themselves to things that nobody asked them to show up to. See, these types of things are when perception comes into play. Luckily, I'm not a professional victim so instead of getting mad/hurt and unpacking a feelings box, I started celebrating my Aunt Carroll myself, in my own way. With this in mind, I've decided to start a project of my own instead. I mean, listening to Aunt Carroll talk about how he helped so many people made me think of Into The Spiderverse for some reason. Then this hit me: "Stop waiting for a savior and become the hero in your life story." I've downsized it to "Be the hero in your life story."
I started the concept art for it this morning and now I've gotta contact Turned Ninja cuz yeah, I want to be involved in some way, even if it involves moving in silence…
Like I always do
PS3: Entry update 11/5/2022...
Went to the Cin'que's wake today and guess what I found out? I was wrong, is what I found out. The reason why everybody wasn't included in the production of the program was basically because the program was highjacked by the other side of the family. Nobody was asked and eventually, Danielle was pushed outta it. She's very upset about it. Whoo! Glad I didn't act a fool now. That woulda been so embarrassing to go through all that then find out Danielle didn't even get to be a part of it like she wanted