Positive Points... (Number 40) ... And More Time With Growing Up...
"1… 2… 1… 2… Put your muthafucking hands up!"
- Namjoon (And some of the other members, but I'm not sure which)
Saturday evening was spent with BTS. I know these concerts are like, $50 a head, but it makes me feel good to spend time with them.
As usual, I made videos and took pictures of them. (So much that now my phone needs cleaning up cuz those videos are kinda large) They're what brings me peace. I like learning about them and guess what BTS is getting me for my birthday this year?!
^I know it's not really for my birthday, but come on… That's awesome, is it not?! I say it's for my birthday cuz if it drops on the 10th in Korea, I won't see it 'til the 11th in America. I don't care what language it's in, I'm excited as hell!
*sighs*
And now…
I upset my Uber driver, Steven, this morning. It was an honest mistake, but instead of getting defensive, I absorbed his perspective. See, Player 456 told me he was gonna take me to work this morning and I should have IMMEDIATELY texted Steven and said something, but I didn't and as I was about to explain what happened this morning, I decided not to because in my head, it sounded as if I was trying to shift the blame to Player 456 so instead I accepted full responsibility and of course, since he was upset, he said he would hafta stop picking me up in the morning and by then, I'd had enough time to realize that without meaning to, I'd assumed Steven's time, therefore taking advantage of his kindness so instead of pleading my case, I told him I understood it was my fault so if he didn't wanna take me anymore, I would only have myself to blame. (Which is true) I guess my response was mature enough that he has decided to give me another chance as long as I don't let it happen again…
And it won't.
I fully plan on writing myself a reminder card when I get home to put up on my mirror cuz tho' it was a simple error, Steven's wife is very, very sick and he still makes time to pick me up. I'm part of his morning routine. With that knowledge, I believe he handled it better than I would have cuz I don't like when people assume my time. To do so to others would make me a hypocrite and as we all know, there are some things I'm just not willing to do.
That's another reason why I was willing to accept my fate… I knew/understood if it were me, I wouldn't have been as calm… Wait… Correction: Past me wouldn't have anyway. This me is less likely to overreact and more likely to listen now.
Which brings to…
Over the weekend, Caleb and I talked it out and decided it would be best for us to just be friends (He's still struggling mentally and the more I thought on it, the more I realized there's a good chance he needs me as his friend more than whatever else we could be AND I don't wanna be in another situation where I convinced myself that I'm responsible for someone else's mental health. *shrugs* I have an easier time with it when it's one of my friends and that's just the truth) and I didn't get irritated in the slightest. I don't feel as if our time was time wasted because it taught me what I'm really looking for in a relationship… And it's not another me. I'm not looking for a mirror image of myself. I'm looking for something greater than myself that has goals for US as a WE. Annnnnnnnnd I'm looking for a spark! See, Caleb and I started with a spark that was so strong, I decided I didn't care about something that I normally care about big time and because it was a superficial/preference thing and not a character flaw, I was able to overcome it and focus on him as him. Which tells me that despite what I tell myself at times, I really am growing up.
Due to this, I'm going to go on a date with my friend Tyler. Tyler lives in town so he wouldn't hafta drive an hour to see me like Caleb did, BUT Tyler isn't only interested in how hot I am either and I'm attracted to that cuz looks fade over time and if you're only in it for "hotness", you're in for a rude awakening once age starts to set in.
The last 3days have given me alot of perspective when it comes to where this me is in life. I feel pretty calm about myself lately. Do I feel like I'm doing it right all the time? Fuck no! Just this morning I had to apologize to Player 456 cuz I cut him off twice and it made him feel as if I wasn't listening to him and seeing as how that's a quality I've been working on, I immediately apologized cuz my thoughts/feelings/opinions aren't more important than anyone else's and yes…
This assessment does include him
Later
PS: Sunday Kai told me that tho' he comes from alot of bad parenting, he hopes he will mirror his parenting after mine and I instantly corrected him because I don't want these kids thinking I'm the blueprint cuz I'm not. I'm not the best at this. Nope. Nah. No. I do the best I can, but sometimes I mess up. So he said that in his eyes, my best piece of parenting was the feelings wall and you know what? I'm glad cuz it helps them communicate the feelings in the house and I am able to communicate with them. So honestly, I think it's one of my better parental choices too
PS2: Since I brought up mess ups, I also need to explain to Kai that the them starting back going to church thing was about Zyi'and Mo, not him and Laurynn cuz they don't see me enough already. It would be pretty shitty of me to only see them the little bit that I do then send them away. Which is why I agreed to every other weekend (It's Zyi's suggestion, but I told him he needs to get a job so that he can be included in adult decisions and no longer treated as a child... Which is why I am currently carrying a job application to him) So yeah, I definitely need to clear that up.
PS3: Dear Universe, whatever you hafta do for my son to get his life right (Outside of causing me any harm) and stand on his own two feet, make it happen cuz I'm mad worried he won't be able to take care of himself... He sees me telling him to get a job as me "forcing" him to get a job and that's a huge red flag
He's lazy and just wants to coast through life, but in the same breath wants to get married and start a family. You can't do that off air *sighs*
Help me out, Universe
PS4: Starting to think I shoulda just started a new entry... *shrugs* Ah well
Mo's 1st date with Tyler outside the home without me was last night so she took Zyi' with her. I'm working on not being so territorial cuz I don't want her to always be looking to me for validation and with how I've been doing things, without realizing it, that's exactly what I was doing... Letting go is an uphill battle with me, but I'm getting better at it. Yes, it's at a snail's pace but progress is progess. I made sure I told her I was proud/impressed with her that she stuck to the rules because I didn't have alot of positive reinforcement growing up. It was few and far in between. Too much of our lives was about control and it took me far too long to realize I don't wanna control my kids...
I wanna raise/teach so they have a better chance at a good life that doesn't involve me cuz I wasn't kidding when I said I wanna travel when I'm an empty nester... I mean that shit
- Namjoon (And some of the other members, but I'm not sure which)
Saturday evening was spent with BTS. I know these concerts are like, $50 a head, but it makes me feel good to spend time with them.
As usual, I made videos and took pictures of them. (So much that now my phone needs cleaning up cuz those videos are kinda large) They're what brings me peace. I like learning about them and guess what BTS is getting me for my birthday this year?!
^I know it's not really for my birthday, but come on… That's awesome, is it not?! I say it's for my birthday cuz if it drops on the 10th in Korea, I won't see it 'til the 11th in America. I don't care what language it's in, I'm excited as hell!
*sighs*
And now…
I upset my Uber driver, Steven, this morning. It was an honest mistake, but instead of getting defensive, I absorbed his perspective. See, Player 456 told me he was gonna take me to work this morning and I should have IMMEDIATELY texted Steven and said something, but I didn't and as I was about to explain what happened this morning, I decided not to because in my head, it sounded as if I was trying to shift the blame to Player 456 so instead I accepted full responsibility and of course, since he was upset, he said he would hafta stop picking me up in the morning and by then, I'd had enough time to realize that without meaning to, I'd assumed Steven's time, therefore taking advantage of his kindness so instead of pleading my case, I told him I understood it was my fault so if he didn't wanna take me anymore, I would only have myself to blame. (Which is true) I guess my response was mature enough that he has decided to give me another chance as long as I don't let it happen again…
And it won't.
I fully plan on writing myself a reminder card when I get home to put up on my mirror cuz tho' it was a simple error, Steven's wife is very, very sick and he still makes time to pick me up. I'm part of his morning routine. With that knowledge, I believe he handled it better than I would have cuz I don't like when people assume my time. To do so to others would make me a hypocrite and as we all know, there are some things I'm just not willing to do.
That's another reason why I was willing to accept my fate… I knew/understood if it were me, I wouldn't have been as calm… Wait… Correction: Past me wouldn't have anyway. This me is less likely to overreact and more likely to listen now.
Which brings to…
Over the weekend, Caleb and I talked it out and decided it would be best for us to just be friends (He's still struggling mentally and the more I thought on it, the more I realized there's a good chance he needs me as his friend more than whatever else we could be AND I don't wanna be in another situation where I convinced myself that I'm responsible for someone else's mental health. *shrugs* I have an easier time with it when it's one of my friends and that's just the truth) and I didn't get irritated in the slightest. I don't feel as if our time was time wasted because it taught me what I'm really looking for in a relationship… And it's not another me. I'm not looking for a mirror image of myself. I'm looking for something greater than myself that has goals for US as a WE. Annnnnnnnnd I'm looking for a spark! See, Caleb and I started with a spark that was so strong, I decided I didn't care about something that I normally care about big time and because it was a superficial/preference thing and not a character flaw, I was able to overcome it and focus on him as him. Which tells me that despite what I tell myself at times, I really am growing up.
Due to this, I'm going to go on a date with my friend Tyler. Tyler lives in town so he wouldn't hafta drive an hour to see me like Caleb did, BUT Tyler isn't only interested in how hot I am either and I'm attracted to that cuz looks fade over time and if you're only in it for "hotness", you're in for a rude awakening once age starts to set in.
The last 3days have given me alot of perspective when it comes to where this me is in life. I feel pretty calm about myself lately. Do I feel like I'm doing it right all the time? Fuck no! Just this morning I had to apologize to Player 456 cuz I cut him off twice and it made him feel as if I wasn't listening to him and seeing as how that's a quality I've been working on, I immediately apologized cuz my thoughts/feelings/opinions aren't more important than anyone else's and yes…
This assessment does include him
Later
PS: Sunday Kai told me that tho' he comes from alot of bad parenting, he hopes he will mirror his parenting after mine and I instantly corrected him because I don't want these kids thinking I'm the blueprint cuz I'm not. I'm not the best at this. Nope. Nah. No. I do the best I can, but sometimes I mess up. So he said that in his eyes, my best piece of parenting was the feelings wall and you know what? I'm glad cuz it helps them communicate the feelings in the house and I am able to communicate with them. So honestly, I think it's one of my better parental choices too
PS2: Since I brought up mess ups, I also need to explain to Kai that the them starting back going to church thing was about Zyi'and Mo, not him and Laurynn cuz they don't see me enough already. It would be pretty shitty of me to only see them the little bit that I do then send them away. Which is why I agreed to every other weekend (It's Zyi's suggestion, but I told him he needs to get a job so that he can be included in adult decisions and no longer treated as a child... Which is why I am currently carrying a job application to him) So yeah, I definitely need to clear that up.
PS3: Dear Universe, whatever you hafta do for my son to get his life right (Outside of causing me any harm) and stand on his own two feet, make it happen cuz I'm mad worried he won't be able to take care of himself... He sees me telling him to get a job as me "forcing" him to get a job and that's a huge red flag
He's lazy and just wants to coast through life, but in the same breath wants to get married and start a family. You can't do that off air *sighs*
Help me out, Universe
PS4: Starting to think I shoulda just started a new entry... *shrugs* Ah well
Mo's 1st date with Tyler outside the home without me was last night so she took Zyi' with her. I'm working on not being so territorial cuz I don't want her to always be looking to me for validation and with how I've been doing things, without realizing it, that's exactly what I was doing... Letting go is an uphill battle with me, but I'm getting better at it. Yes, it's at a snail's pace but progress is progess. I made sure I told her I was proud/impressed with her that she stuck to the rules because I didn't have alot of positive reinforcement growing up. It was few and far in between. Too much of our lives was about control and it took me far too long to realize I don't wanna control my kids...
I wanna raise/teach so they have a better chance at a good life that doesn't involve me cuz I wasn't kidding when I said I wanna travel when I'm an empty nester... I mean that shit