Little Rays Of Light...
"You look like you're having a bad day so I decided to make it worse."
- Ty (I believe this to be his first Livejournal quote)
"*smiles despite myself* Well gee, thanks..."
- Me
Mmkay, so it's day three of being triggered, but last night something happened that made me look at how I'm feeling a little differently so I wanna talk about it.
First, some context: Due to the fact that I'm not a misery loves company type person and I'm not, nor have I ever been into that type of attention, (You know the kind... The kind where people are obviously fishing for attention just so that people will ask "What's wrong?", WHICH I HATE and start sending their thoughts and prayers, WHICH I LOATHE... That kind of attention... Cuz let's be real and let's be honest: No amount of attention/thoughts/prayers has ever been able to stop one of these fucking episodes so yeah, I don't want it) whenever I can't control my triggers, I immediately delete all my social media. More times than not, this is done without so much as a warning. (This is in an effort to control my impulses and even tho' several times I've found myself scolded about this particular maneuver, it really can't be helped at this point. Plus that, I am no longer a fan of venting so anything that might tempt me into shouting my woes to the rooftops has to go. Immediately.)
Anyway, last night I received a text from Ol' Whatshisface. We usually communicate through Snapchat, but we do have one another's physical numbers.
^I'm not gonna drag the entire discussion here cuz this entry isn't about all that. It's about one particular piece that caused me to make an observation...
After checking for signs of life, he immediately asked if I had been harmed in any way. I assured him that if something like that had happened, I would have said so, but before all this, it started to click into place what was happening… You see, the last time he cut 15 lanes of traffic to find me, (On his break, no less) seeing as how it was my fault it happened, I told him he could have saved himself the trip had he texted my physical phone cuz I always answer it no matter what… Yesterday made me realize he does listen when I talk. For anyone else, this would be a small detail, but for him, the man with the memory of dying goldfish, this resonated with me greatly. Why? Because every once in a while, he'll show me that he does listen/learn when it comes to me. I mean, I do it for damn near EVERYBODY, but when it's done for me, I can't help but notice. I mean, I've long since noticed that he stretches his memory far and wide when it comes to me (And I literally do not care if he does the same for others cuz I'm talking about ME), but when I'm struggling mentally, as previously mentioned, I need to be reminded that no matter what my depression is saying, I am important enough for effort. *sighs* Honestly, it made what's going on with me not feel so bad. As a matter of fact, I slept with my phone on my pillow last night. (A fact that I will shrivel into nothingness before I admit to him aloud)
Going through our messages just now, I noticed something that I didn't see last night cuz I was too upset to think clearly (Apparently my autocorrect is also triggered cuz it was just fucking me over left and right 🙄🙄🙄) and I was doing everything I could not to just give in and start crying…
From my perspective, first, it was are you alive, just checking. Once assured, it was are you in danger, just checking. Once assured, it was "Have you been harmed in any way, shape or form? I've got guns, plenty of bullets and SWAT on speed dial… Just tell me where you want me!" (Okay, okay… You caught me! I exaggerated that last part greatly. None of that happened… What really happened was he then asked if I had been harmed in any way, but reading through, it felt like he was thinking it as he was typing it. I could be wrong though. 85% correctness rating, remember? That's just what I felt as I was rereading and as we all know, feelings aren't facts)
That's what I hate the most about triggers. Once I become triggered, it becomes a constant, uphill battle between what I know to be true versus what depression wants me to believe. That's why I work so hard to manage my moods. It's a battle that I sometimes feel as if I'm not equipped for even tho' I LITERALLY KNOW I AM.
Luckily, I have therapy in like, 45mins. Hopefully my therapist will be able to help me shake this off. I need the push cuz pushing myself just isn't in the cards right now
*sighs*
Later
- Ty (I believe this to be his first Livejournal quote)
"*smiles despite myself* Well gee, thanks..."
- Me
Mmkay, so it's day three of being triggered, but last night something happened that made me look at how I'm feeling a little differently so I wanna talk about it.
First, some context: Due to the fact that I'm not a misery loves company type person and I'm not, nor have I ever been into that type of attention, (You know the kind... The kind where people are obviously fishing for attention just so that people will ask "What's wrong?", WHICH I HATE and start sending their thoughts and prayers, WHICH I LOATHE... That kind of attention... Cuz let's be real and let's be honest: No amount of attention/thoughts/prayers has ever been able to stop one of these fucking episodes so yeah, I don't want it) whenever I can't control my triggers, I immediately delete all my social media. More times than not, this is done without so much as a warning. (This is in an effort to control my impulses and even tho' several times I've found myself scolded about this particular maneuver, it really can't be helped at this point. Plus that, I am no longer a fan of venting so anything that might tempt me into shouting my woes to the rooftops has to go. Immediately.)
Anyway, last night I received a text from Ol' Whatshisface. We usually communicate through Snapchat, but we do have one another's physical numbers.
^I'm not gonna drag the entire discussion here cuz this entry isn't about all that. It's about one particular piece that caused me to make an observation...
After checking for signs of life, he immediately asked if I had been harmed in any way. I assured him that if something like that had happened, I would have said so, but before all this, it started to click into place what was happening… You see, the last time he cut 15 lanes of traffic to find me, (On his break, no less) seeing as how it was my fault it happened, I told him he could have saved himself the trip had he texted my physical phone cuz I always answer it no matter what… Yesterday made me realize he does listen when I talk. For anyone else, this would be a small detail, but for him, the man with the memory of dying goldfish, this resonated with me greatly. Why? Because every once in a while, he'll show me that he does listen/learn when it comes to me. I mean, I do it for damn near EVERYBODY, but when it's done for me, I can't help but notice. I mean, I've long since noticed that he stretches his memory far and wide when it comes to me (And I literally do not care if he does the same for others cuz I'm talking about ME), but when I'm struggling mentally, as previously mentioned, I need to be reminded that no matter what my depression is saying, I am important enough for effort. *sighs* Honestly, it made what's going on with me not feel so bad. As a matter of fact, I slept with my phone on my pillow last night. (A fact that I will shrivel into nothingness before I admit to him aloud)
Going through our messages just now, I noticed something that I didn't see last night cuz I was too upset to think clearly (Apparently my autocorrect is also triggered cuz it was just fucking me over left and right 🙄🙄🙄) and I was doing everything I could not to just give in and start crying…
From my perspective, first, it was are you alive, just checking. Once assured, it was are you in danger, just checking. Once assured, it was "Have you been harmed in any way, shape or form? I've got guns, plenty of bullets and SWAT on speed dial… Just tell me where you want me!" (Okay, okay… You caught me! I exaggerated that last part greatly. None of that happened… What really happened was he then asked if I had been harmed in any way, but reading through, it felt like he was thinking it as he was typing it. I could be wrong though. 85% correctness rating, remember? That's just what I felt as I was rereading and as we all know, feelings aren't facts)
That's what I hate the most about triggers. Once I become triggered, it becomes a constant, uphill battle between what I know to be true versus what depression wants me to believe. That's why I work so hard to manage my moods. It's a battle that I sometimes feel as if I'm not equipped for even tho' I LITERALLY KNOW I AM.
Luckily, I have therapy in like, 45mins. Hopefully my therapist will be able to help me shake this off. I need the push cuz pushing myself just isn't in the cards right now
*sighs*
Later