More "Funtime With Therapy"...
"It's easy to say that but why say sorry if you don't plan to change the narrative?"
- Me
Before I start this, I finally caught Deadpool 2 yesterday. It was... a movie. It was funny and I wasn't bored but uh... yeah. It was a movie. My favorite part of the whole thing was the end credits where Deadpool was "fixing the timelines." Shit, he even shot Ryan Reynolds (Who actually played Deadpool in Wolverine: Origins and that shit was trash. I was glad when Deadpool put a bullet through that head and I'm also glad Ryan Reynolds fought to do justice to the character) while he was reading the script to Green Lantern. Now that, dear reader, waz movie GOLD. After that, I watched Interview With A Vampire and to say that movie came out in '94 and I've seen it countless times, I was way more invested in that storyline. Shame.
Now, as to why I'm here... Here's the thing: In therapy, we do a alot of discussions on why I do the things I do and how they brought me to the me I am today. Remember when I said I'd unearthed something that I wasn't ready to talk about just yet?
Well, today I got time, cuz... *laughs*
I realized exactly where the beginning of the end was when it came to not only me as a whole but me in a relationship i.e. "What brought my relationship down to its knees." What's that? 🤔
Everything literally started unraveling the day I had to take up rank as the head of the family. Now, for a power hungry tyrant acting nutter butter, it took alot for me to bow down and admit that. Why? 🤔
Well, for one, I am not a fan of supposed gender roles so at 1st, I thought in admitting this I was saying that I didn't belong at the head of the family. Now I realize that is not the case. I did the right thing by stepping up but mentally, I started building a wall comprised of anger, resentments and hurt because at the end of the day, David never caught up with me. He would just hide behind me and my choices like a cowering cow awaiting the slaughter. I had to be the choice box for not only the family, but for him. He gave me the adage: "All parents have things about themselves they hide from their children." Which is true. Oh so ubber true... But is that always a good thing? Which is why when they turn 18, I'm giving the keys to this place to the them. If you wanna know about your mother, swing through. *laughs* I mean, truth be told, we should always strive to leave this world better than we found it. What is the point if our only goals are to hide behind the wrongdoings of the people before us? That's just awful.
Anyway, back to therapy...
At the end of the day, I chose to hide David's addictions and my walls of resentments started to show glimmers of disgust, rage and jealousy because for one, no one stopped to think what this was doing to me mentally. Jealousy? 🤔 Uh, yeah. I wanted to sit back and do the absolute worst while someone worked their sanity to the bone to make me look good. As I told my therapist, drug shit was the root of my childhood. I didn't want my kids to grow up with those stories so I hid it and David sat back and reveled in my hard work because he did nothing to change these facts. He wanted to live a life as the awesome Dad to his kids, meanwhile was happily robbing the family blind and just being an all around douche and these things, the kids don't know. Because I hid the meth, the crack, the pills, the whatever the fuck I had to do to protect them from growing up like I did. I took on alot cuz truth be told, every time David bolted, his focal point was not on the kids. That was always left up to me and it dragged me. It dragged me from Bullshit Street to Bullshit Avenue and I hafta live with the fact that I didn't just give up and walk away when I should have.
If at one point, David had cut the bullshit and maybe not take over as head but at least join me in the responsibilities, I probably wouldn't have become the bitter person I became.
Yup, I admit it: For lack of a better term, I was bitter. I'm doing so much better now but yeah, that's what was driving me for a long time. I'm not bitter anymore and that's mostly in part because I realized that I chose to hide the crap instead of packing the kids and bailing. That's on me. I chose to cope (And we all know that was a no no) instead of dealing with my truth. That's on me. I ignored to screaming signs that I was coming unhinged until there was nothing that could be done and again... That's on me.
I stopped being bitter the day I accepted my part in all of it.
Even writing this, I don't feel negative or anything. I feel fine quite frankly. This is what digivolving is all about: You change and grow... and you learn as much as you can along the way...
Even if you don't like what you see
As always, I hate therapy but I do the steps
Later